Just and fyi to my friends
Live, Laugh, Love
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
Thank you Jilly, i do believe what goes around comes around and i don't wish him ill, i wish he would get better for himself but doesn't really appear he's trying hard. I was sooooo mad yesterday, surprised you all couldn't hear me yelling and it actually felt good, because i've always been the type to just take it and not react and always wish i had as time goes on. I can't worry about fighting with him and then feeling bad he might drink....screw that, he brought ALL of this on his own.
I do love him still and it's sooo hard to let go. But why should he test the waters, i told him that if i did this with my ex that i wouldn't even be given the chance to sit on his couch and explain myself and nor would i expect to be able to. Thats when he went on about "ammends" and friendship....BULLcrap. I do know i deserve better but when your heart is in a COMPLETELY different place than your brain it's all i think about.
I have al anon tonight so that should be good, if i should still continue even though we are broken up. I'll still go for now i guess.
I do love him still and it's sooo hard to let go. But why should he test the waters, i told him that if i did this with my ex that i wouldn't even be given the chance to sit on his couch and explain myself and nor would i expect to be able to. Thats when he went on about "ammends" and friendship....BULLcrap. I do know i deserve better but when your heart is in a COMPLETELY different place than your brain it's all i think about.
I have al anon tonight so that should be good, if i should still continue even though we are broken up. I'll still go for now i guess.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
(((((hbb))))))
I found this on another thread here thought it might help...
I found this on another thread here thought it might help...
Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there, to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson, or to help you figure out who you are or who you want to become.
You never know who these people may be but when you lock eyes with them; you know at that very moment they will affect your life in some profound way. Sometimes things happen to you that may seem horrible, painful, and unfair at first, but in reflection you find that without overcoming those obstacles you would have never realized your potential, strength, willpower, or heart. Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of good luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness, and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small tests, whatever they may be, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere. It would be safe and comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless.
The people you meet who affect your life, and the success and downfalls you experience, help to create who you are and who you become. Even the bad experiences can be learned from. In fact, they are probably the most touching and important ones.
If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart forgive them, for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious to whom you open your heart.
If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but because in a way, they are teaching you to love and how to open your heart and eyes to things.
Make every day count. Appreciate every moment and take from those moments everything that you possibly can for you may never be able to experience it again. Talk to people that you have never talked to before, and actually listen. Let yourself fall in love, break free, and set your sights high. Hold your head up because you have every right to. Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself, for if you don’t believe in yourself, it will be hard for others to believe in you. You can make of your life anything you wish. Create your own life and then go out and live it with absolutely no regrets."
I hope this helps...
You never know who these people may be but when you lock eyes with them; you know at that very moment they will affect your life in some profound way. Sometimes things happen to you that may seem horrible, painful, and unfair at first, but in reflection you find that without overcoming those obstacles you would have never realized your potential, strength, willpower, or heart. Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of good luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness, and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small tests, whatever they may be, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere. It would be safe and comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless.
The people you meet who affect your life, and the success and downfalls you experience, help to create who you are and who you become. Even the bad experiences can be learned from. In fact, they are probably the most touching and important ones.
If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart forgive them, for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious to whom you open your heart.
If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but because in a way, they are teaching you to love and how to open your heart and eyes to things.
Make every day count. Appreciate every moment and take from those moments everything that you possibly can for you may never be able to experience it again. Talk to people that you have never talked to before, and actually listen. Let yourself fall in love, break free, and set your sights high. Hold your head up because you have every right to. Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself, for if you don’t believe in yourself, it will be hard for others to believe in you. You can make of your life anything you wish. Create your own life and then go out and live it with absolutely no regrets."
I hope this helps...
Live, Laugh, Love
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
Splendra, you made me cry!!! That was really nice, thank you for taking the time with me like so many of you. My family and friends have a tough time because they are not involved with an alcoholic and i'm constantly giving him the benefit of the doubt. Good God, you would have thought i wouldn't have a tear left after hearing he went away with her. Why can't i get the "he's misunderstood" out of my head??
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 62
Hbb,
I can tell you that I cried tears I thought I didn't have myself when I was where you are.
I don't think this kind of hurt is confined to relationships with alcoholics. The ones I had that brought me to my knees where with people who were without conscience to the harm they do to others.
For me, the first month after a breakup was pure pain beyond words. I needed to go through it as raw as it was, to get to the other side of it. I was able to feel less pain as the days went on. But for sure, there are scars that may heal but will ever be there.
In the passage posted by Splendra that I posted on another thread. I can grasp the words but the true meanings along with the emotions of understanding them takes time. It is better spent emotional energy to put into the situation than giving it all to why they are who they are.
Please try and be gentle with yourself and know that as long as you keep moving away from all of this, it will one day be looked back on as a lesson that made you a wiser and stronger person who will not give someone who abuses you the time of day.
Like sobriety, it is a life long process that must be practiced everyday to be maintained. Empathy and kindness can be a weakness when we use those otherwise good qualities at great cost to our higher good.
BTDT and I have made progress. Quitting the class isn't an option. It's a requirement to a better me. I relapsed on my way and that is why I am in my situation today. I will not let it be the last words about my life. That's my promise to myself. Pick up and continue on no matter how many times you stumble.
With you all the way!
Jilly
I can tell you that I cried tears I thought I didn't have myself when I was where you are.
I don't think this kind of hurt is confined to relationships with alcoholics. The ones I had that brought me to my knees where with people who were without conscience to the harm they do to others.
For me, the first month after a breakup was pure pain beyond words. I needed to go through it as raw as it was, to get to the other side of it. I was able to feel less pain as the days went on. But for sure, there are scars that may heal but will ever be there.
In the passage posted by Splendra that I posted on another thread. I can grasp the words but the true meanings along with the emotions of understanding them takes time. It is better spent emotional energy to put into the situation than giving it all to why they are who they are.
Please try and be gentle with yourself and know that as long as you keep moving away from all of this, it will one day be looked back on as a lesson that made you a wiser and stronger person who will not give someone who abuses you the time of day.
Like sobriety, it is a life long process that must be practiced everyday to be maintained. Empathy and kindness can be a weakness when we use those otherwise good qualities at great cost to our higher good.
BTDT and I have made progress. Quitting the class isn't an option. It's a requirement to a better me. I relapsed on my way and that is why I am in my situation today. I will not let it be the last words about my life. That's my promise to myself. Pick up and continue on no matter how many times you stumble.
With you all the way!
Jilly
Live, Laugh, Love
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
Thanks Jilly,
Gosh, you are a strong person, i hope to be that person some day. I had a bad relationship before and did feel stronger that i would never let anyone beat me down like that again but low and behold here i am again. How do you trust again, i told my mother this is why i don't ever want to hear her tell me to do a dating service or get out and meet people. I have no trust what so ever for men at the moment. I know i can't be like that but how do i at this point, not that i'm even thinking about someone else at the moment but how do you trust again?
In a perfect world, he would turn himself around and we would have a happy life and never look back....i know that won't happen but that's where i am in my heart. I am going to my home group tonight and we are on week 3 from the beginning and i have talked to a sponsor but it is hard to seperate me from him while i'm there. I just want the independent me back...this sux
Gosh, you are a strong person, i hope to be that person some day. I had a bad relationship before and did feel stronger that i would never let anyone beat me down like that again but low and behold here i am again. How do you trust again, i told my mother this is why i don't ever want to hear her tell me to do a dating service or get out and meet people. I have no trust what so ever for men at the moment. I know i can't be like that but how do i at this point, not that i'm even thinking about someone else at the moment but how do you trust again?
In a perfect world, he would turn himself around and we would have a happy life and never look back....i know that won't happen but that's where i am in my heart. I am going to my home group tonight and we are on week 3 from the beginning and i have talked to a sponsor but it is hard to seperate me from him while i'm there. I just want the independent me back...this sux
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
((((hbb))))
As you get well you will be able to see the red flags and because you are well you will turn yourself around and run cause you trust yourself to see the writing on the wall
As you get well you will be able to see the red flags and because you are well you will turn yourself around and run cause you trust yourself to see the writing on the wall
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by hbb 
I have no trust what so ever for men at the moment. I know i can't be like that but how do i at this point, not that i'm even thinking about someone else at the moment but how do you trust again?
Originally Posted by hbb
In a perfect world, he would turn himself around and we would have a happy life and never look back....i know that won't happen but that's where i am in my heart.
Unfortunately, you must endure the pain in order to reach the other side. ((((()))))
L
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 62
hbb,
You wrote:
"I had a bad relationship before and did feel stronger that i would never let anyone beat me down like that again but low and behold here i am again. How do you trust again"
That would be me too. After years of abusive family relationships as well as romantic ones, I have a hard time trusting too. Don't know if I will ever fully trust again but at least I will not give it unless it is first earned.
I have PTSD and clinical depression as well as medical problems that in some cases are rare and have no tolerable treatments. Some days are worse than others, and I feel incredibly weak or angry or frustrated, but that is what I was given to deal with in this lifetime.
It is one of my biggest issues about my self esteem. I have to deal with the things I can not change about myself and that is why I have accepted intolerable behavior from others. It is my mindset that must change and I must accept myself before I can be totally cured of the wrong mindset. First I have to be good to me. Easier said than done when I feel overwhelmed by it all.. However, it is essential for my life to be free from abuse. If I don't honor my own boundaries, how will anyone else? It starts and ends with me.
In the days that will come, try to set aside time that is just for you to work on what you need to give yourself. As you build on that time, you will focus less and less on him as you gather the nurturing that you deserve independent of anyone else's involvment. No contact is absolutely critical to the process. That's the toughest part but I know you can do it!
I have told ABF that my presence in his life is a gift not a given. The more he stays the same and the more I give to me, the stronger my boundaries grow until one day, I will have the means to live my life on my terms not another's.
You are your number 1 prority. Keep your sights on that no matter how small a dot on the horizon it is now and it will become bigger and clearer with every passing day.
You are stronger than you know. Just look at how far you have already come. 3 weeks and counting!
Be strong,
Jilly
You wrote:
"I had a bad relationship before and did feel stronger that i would never let anyone beat me down like that again but low and behold here i am again. How do you trust again"
That would be me too. After years of abusive family relationships as well as romantic ones, I have a hard time trusting too. Don't know if I will ever fully trust again but at least I will not give it unless it is first earned.
I have PTSD and clinical depression as well as medical problems that in some cases are rare and have no tolerable treatments. Some days are worse than others, and I feel incredibly weak or angry or frustrated, but that is what I was given to deal with in this lifetime.
It is one of my biggest issues about my self esteem. I have to deal with the things I can not change about myself and that is why I have accepted intolerable behavior from others. It is my mindset that must change and I must accept myself before I can be totally cured of the wrong mindset. First I have to be good to me. Easier said than done when I feel overwhelmed by it all.. However, it is essential for my life to be free from abuse. If I don't honor my own boundaries, how will anyone else? It starts and ends with me.
In the days that will come, try to set aside time that is just for you to work on what you need to give yourself. As you build on that time, you will focus less and less on him as you gather the nurturing that you deserve independent of anyone else's involvment. No contact is absolutely critical to the process. That's the toughest part but I know you can do it!
I have told ABF that my presence in his life is a gift not a given. The more he stays the same and the more I give to me, the stronger my boundaries grow until one day, I will have the means to live my life on my terms not another's.
You are your number 1 prority. Keep your sights on that no matter how small a dot on the horizon it is now and it will become bigger and clearer with every passing day.
You are stronger than you know. Just look at how far you have already come. 3 weeks and counting!
Be strong,
Jilly
Live, Laugh, Love
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
Thank you so much for all your wisdom, i know it might appear to others that i don't want or are not willing to get better. Thats not the case, i'm just really feeling like i'm mourning him. I guess it comes down to that i would NEVER treat someone this way and would never expect to be treated like this by another person, now it's happened twice to me.
My self esteem is really hurting right about now. I do start therapy on Monday so that may help. My point in all of this is that i could handle if he went about things differently. Ya i would have probably been upset and maybe even this upset but i would have had no trust issues or reason to believe he is lieing. It amazes me that someone who was sooooooooooo wonderful to me could now feel like my worst enemy. Do they treat the ones the worst that are the best to them? why? Do A's don't think they deserve a better life or have someone in their life that truly cares about them? I feel like a dog chasing his tail, i know over time it does get better but jeezzeee just when i get mad, i get sad within the same hour! I know it's a process but i HATE IT NOW!
My self esteem is really hurting right about now. I do start therapy on Monday so that may help. My point in all of this is that i could handle if he went about things differently. Ya i would have probably been upset and maybe even this upset but i would have had no trust issues or reason to believe he is lieing. It amazes me that someone who was sooooooooooo wonderful to me could now feel like my worst enemy. Do they treat the ones the worst that are the best to them? why? Do A's don't think they deserve a better life or have someone in their life that truly cares about them? I feel like a dog chasing his tail, i know over time it does get better but jeezzeee just when i get mad, i get sad within the same hour! I know it's a process but i HATE IT NOW!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
It doesn't seem as though you don't want to get better. Heck, you wouldn't be here if you didn't want to get better, right? You are simply struggling with one of the hardest parts of all this---letting go of how you want/wish it to be and accepting how it is. Therapy can definitely help you get to that place.
L
L
Live, Laugh, Love
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
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I just hate they way things have transpired, it didn't have to be this way. I know there's no "picture perfect" ending but gosh, how could anything good have come out of this. He actually said to me that at the very very least maybe a friendship could come out of this....i can't do that, sorry......
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None of that matters now. It is what it is. You can either accept that and decide what you are going to do about YOUR life, or continue torturing yourself.................it's your choice.
L
L
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 84
Originally Posted by hbb
I just hate they way things have transpired, it didn't have to be this way. I know there's no "picture perfect" ending but gosh, how could anything good have come out of this.
Live, Laugh, Love
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
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I just got home, hoping to find my stuff in the hallway, but no of course not, drag it out a bit longer. Expectations of him that i actually thought he might drop off my keys and stuff......can't even do that for me. Instead he'll have some lame ass text saying why he couldn't come today.
Live, Laugh, Love
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
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No, i'm not the least upset, just was sure he would drop and run is all. Perfect opportunity while no one was home. I don't need any of it...just surprised is all.
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