Where's the anger
 

I am wondering where the anger is??

I still feel fear- mixed feelings of sorts that I cannot really pinpoint- insecurity, emptiness, etc.?

ABF has been in rehab for a little over a week and we have not spoken. He wrote me a letter that I received on Monday that did not say much.

I been doing okay- attempting to weed out the irrational thoughts, trying to move forward. I feel so much resistance, so much fear holding me back and just wish the anger would come. He has done so many things to me and hurt me so deeply- I WISH I could tap into the anger as it makes me feel safer and less vulnerable. Not sure if this makes sense.

I even feel angry at myself for NOT being so engraged at all the lies and distrust. I don't know where it is...

All i can say is i know what you are feeling, i should be angry myself but i'm not and don't know as i'll get there. Granted i don't think i've been lied too, just hurt by my abf who happens to now be sober and pushing me away. That's why i feel i should be angry because he's pushing me away after all the love and support...hang in there, I find Al Anon has helped me.

I know what you mean.

It took quite awhile to allow myself to feel the anger. I felt the fear first, then the sadness. They flipped flopped for awhile too. Those two emotions kept me quite busy much longer than I'm willing to admit. But as I worked through those, eventually the anger came along. That's the emotion that I'm least comfortable feeling as I had to deal with other people taking their anger out on me for so long, I thought that made me just as out of control and destructive as they obviously were. But I wasn't out of control or destructive....it just felt that way sometimes because anger was very new to me.

Don't worry, I'm sure your anger will surface when you are ready to deal with it.

Maybe I am not angry because I somehow believe that I deserve to be mistreated? Not sure.

Perhaps all you anger has been now directed inward...which becomes "depression". That's where I was for a looooooooong time (not sure if I'm out of that really). After my first split with an exAbf I was rigid with rage 24/7 for months...so long I couldn't stand it and WENT BACK cuz I couldn't lose the anger..if that makes any sense. I was still drinking back then so booze made it all the easier to stuff it down and carry on with him. When we split the second time..my anger was gone...remarkably so. When I lost the anger, I was in profound sadness...and I was able to get help cuz I deperately needed it. But I wandered around a long time wondering where my anger went as I still had plenty to be angry about. It was in there waiting to be dealt with at a later date.

But I know what you mean about feeling vulnerable without it. In truth, being vulnerable is an excellent place to rebuild yourself....cuz you're open.

Nu...delete some old emails so i can respond to you lol!! your mailbox is full!!!

thanks!!

i'm not really angry either, although i wish i was. you're right, not being angry allows you to be vulernable... and for me, it means i keep getting sucked back in, and it sucks. i just want to be angry because i think it would allow me to move on.

maybe you don't really think you deserve to be mistreated, but you've just gotten used to it... without it, you're left wondering what exactly you DO deserve... even though it's far different from what you've gotten in the past. if that makes sense :)

Maybe you're past the anger stage. I was past that stage even before RAH entered rehab. I believe, and I could be wrong, that we actually start healing and recovering once we are past the anger. Anger is a response to fear, hurt, insecurity, etc. and most times doesn't solve anything. It will all work out fine.
QT

I found I was slow to anger. I took on too much responsibility, let myself believe I was being loving and caring by ignoring things. Now, after 18 months of reall difficulties, now I feel the anger. I finally have figured out that my husband is showing total lack of caring and respect for me and the anger is there.

Sounds like a lot of us have faced this. :)

I, too, was never really angry. I kind of wished I could be because it sounded like it was what I was supposed to do. If anger was part of the "grieving" process, then why wasn't I ever angry? I went through a lot of crying, hurt, and feelings of devastation, but that was it. After I made it through that not-so-fun time, I went to basically okay. Perhaps it's a bad thing to never feel angry about it. I don't know what it's rooted in, but I never got there personally.

Take care. :)