Summer

He finally came home yesterday feeling sick and sad. Haven't seen him in three days, no phone call or nothing. Now he just walks in like everything will be o.k. I told him he has to do something about this or stay away for good. I feel like he does not take me seriously and I am serious! How come some leave and some don't? I don't feel so stressed out about it this time like I used too. Just confused like I should have done something more so he would know that I am serious! But I don't know what more I could have done besides changing the locks.

JustFedUp

I think by the time they realize the seriousness, it's far too late. Seems to be the trend with what I've read here and also from talking with friends of mine who've been through this nightmare.

It comforts me to know that you all are in the same boat as me, but it scares the hell out of me knowing that for the most part, my husband will probably never change and the life we had before he became consumed with the bottle will never return. And even if it does am I going to live forever being paranoid that he's really not stopped? When he is sober, I still live with the constant anxiety and questioning of, okay when's he going to start again. I guess I think too much.

EmotionalMeg

Hi Summer,
The A is only doing what he knows; what his body and soul TELLS him he needs to do. The sad part is that he is hurting himself physically and mentally... but he is not ready to SEE it yet. You on the other hand, sound like you ARE seeing it. You ARE ready to find a "healthier, happier" way. If you are anything like me, you have probably been repeating self-destructive behaviors for years now, never really knowing why nothing was changing; nothing was FEELING good. But here's where it happens... When you have gone thru the Denial, the Anger, the Bargining and the Depression, you will make your way to the Acceptance. You are not "giving up", and just settling for the depressing life you have... You are accepting that you are POWERLESS. You are accepting WHO you are, WHO they are... And you are ready to move forward.
(Melody Beatties' "CoDependant No More")
I have gone thru ALL of this. I have been angry for years, I have tried to help, I have tried to Manipulate, guilt and shame him into getting sober. It was only when I took my hands off, and gave him back the disease that I began to get healthy. And the ironic part is, that the less I interfere... the more rational he becomes. I can only guess that it was because he was left alone to deal with his own demons.
About a month ago I made a HUGE decision by following thru on a threat I had made many times. I kicked him out of the house after a 3 day bender. Only AFTER the fact did I realize how much of a turning point this was for me. I was always afraid that if I kicked him out, he would never come back. But, I was totally OK without him! Now, I am stronger and less afraid... I always put ME first, and things fall into place where they should be (MOST of the time). If he uses, he is GONE again... he knows it, it is an unwritten boundary. I am safe, my kids are safe... and God will take care of the rest.
It truly sounds like you are ready for some "healthy living"... I wish you the best Summer
Meg

Summer

Thanks Meg, I do feel as time goes on it seems to get easier. In Alanon they say to seperate the disease from the person and I think I am finally understanding that. How did you get yours to leave? I'm convinced mine won't even though he says he will. I guess I have to decide if I can keep on living like this and accept it or else accept that I'll have to be the one to leave. Everytime he's in his dark hole he comes out deciding to try something else. Hopefully he'll stick to one and come through but for now I'm focusing on myself and making my own plans day by day.
Summer