Thought I had burned them all...then I find them all again....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Seattle, wa
Posts: 118
Thought I had burned them all...then I find them all again....
A few of you might remember that I burned the last 4 photos of my xAbf a few weeks ago. I was sure I went through my pc and deleted all the folders that contain him......until last night....I was in my backup external drive looking for some photos and behold there he was again. All 4 photos looking back at me. I opened one and peared upon it for a couple of seconds then closed it and went on about my business. Didnt give it alot of thought afterwards.
I guess I am glad they are still there now.
I guess I am glad they are still there now.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
i had to chuckle when i read this....during a particularly crazy time for me, i found a picture frame that was very different....it was a beautiful stone piece with a gorgeous blooming rose up the side....all wrapped in barbed wire. i thought it very befitting for my wedding pic with xah. so i fixed it all up and put it on my bedside table so i could look at him every night.
months went by, and i forgot all about the pic. so last night when i went to bed, with my little 7 month old grandson cuddled up beside me, i looked over and literally saw that pic for the first time in months and months.
i thought.,.....yech!!!!!.....man, i don't want to ever go there again. and then i had to laugh because of the memory of me carefully preparing that pic to go into the picture frame. tell me i wasn't ate up.
i shoved it under the bed. and me and zebbie-baby slept sweet sleep.
months went by, and i forgot all about the pic. so last night when i went to bed, with my little 7 month old grandson cuddled up beside me, i looked over and literally saw that pic for the first time in months and months.
i thought.,.....yech!!!!!.....man, i don't want to ever go there again. and then i had to laugh because of the memory of me carefully preparing that pic to go into the picture frame. tell me i wasn't ate up.
i shoved it under the bed. and me and zebbie-baby slept sweet sleep.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Seattle, wa
Posts: 118
I guess I am glad that someone oversee's my quick to react actions at times. Though I may never talk to or see him again. I do not hold the negative emotional charge as I once did. I know there was so much bad I had to go through but there were pleasant times as well. I want in the end to look at those photos and smile, know that I (at that point) am whole, healthy, and have relized he is human and frail, and subject to all the same stuff we all are. But I have made huge steps of personal recovery. ...
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
sthrnraizd, sorry i'm reading this so late, but i'm glad you found those pictures! i think one day it will show you how much you've really moved on (or maybe you've felt this already) based on how much those pictures have an effect on you down the road. i can look at pictures of former flames and feel absolutely nothing when i see them - no matter how badly it may have ended. the anger and pain are no longer there. i did recently take down pictures of my A though, and put them in a box in a drawer.
i did delete all of the emails i got though
i did delete all of the emails i got though
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
haha...makes me "confess" what I did a few weeks ago.
Without him around me daily, in my mind I "picture" exAH as he was probably years and years ago (like I think of myself!
) OK; we're 53y. We've both had a few "changes" since then in our looks.....let me just say that gravity is a strong force! A few weeks ago I was in a real funk and my mind was obsessing about him and then I remembered something that had helped me when I felt this way earlier:an old photo I found of him that had that "look" in his eyes. I had it on the fridge for awhile and helped me remember the REAL way things are.
(Back to a few weeks ago) we had to go to clear out his dad's house (long story) but anyhow, I took some pictures to send to our son of FIL at the nursing home,etc. Actually, it was a nice time; probably what made me feel so nostalgic. It was earlier in the day than "drinking time",etc and it was kinda "normal". That night -I went back and looked at the pixs, but then REALLY looked. I started having fun! He is still nice looking but NOT the "playa" I have myself believing in my mind when my self-esteem lags. The one he likes to fancy he is lately. I looked at a few pixs with balding hair,expanding waistline,reading glasses,etc.,etc......I'm not as bad as I thought nor is he is not as good; just a middle aged man (who also happens to be an alcoholic). I got the giggles and went on with my evening. (I hope that wasn't mean! )
Sometimes the pictures are good.
I like the old ones,too for many reasons. (Although of him they can be sad...I can see the progression by the look in his eyes.)
Evidently there is a reason your pictures aren't meant to be destroyed.
Without him around me daily, in my mind I "picture" exAH as he was probably years and years ago (like I think of myself!
) OK; we're 53y. We've both had a few "changes" since then in our looks.....let me just say that gravity is a strong force! A few weeks ago I was in a real funk and my mind was obsessing about him and then I remembered something that had helped me when I felt this way earlier:an old photo I found of him that had that "look" in his eyes. I had it on the fridge for awhile and helped me remember the REAL way things are. (Back to a few weeks ago) we had to go to clear out his dad's house (long story) but anyhow, I took some pictures to send to our son of FIL at the nursing home,etc. Actually, it was a nice time; probably what made me feel so nostalgic. It was earlier in the day than "drinking time",etc and it was kinda "normal". That night -I went back and looked at the pixs, but then REALLY looked. I started having fun! He is still nice looking but NOT the "playa" I have myself believing in my mind when my self-esteem lags. The one he likes to fancy he is lately. I looked at a few pixs with balding hair,expanding waistline,reading glasses,etc.,etc......I'm not as bad as I thought nor is he is not as good; just a middle aged man (who also happens to be an alcoholic). I got the giggles and went on with my evening. (I hope that wasn't mean!
)Sometimes the pictures are good.
I like the old ones,too for many reasons. (Although of him they can be sad...I can see the progression by the look in his eyes.)
Evidently there is a reason your pictures aren't meant to be destroyed.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
I recently discovered that my xah has a ***** personal ad. I signed up under a fake name so I could check out the profile. (I know, that was bad)
The picture wasn't flattering.
There were a few lies in the profile.
He no longer uses that site since he's found him a girlfriend. But I've gone in there a few times and looked at the picture on the profile. I also saw him in person a few weeks ago at a school function for one of our kids. And occassionally one of the kids will show me pictures on their cell phone which also contain a picture of him.
Sadly, I admit that sometimes I look at those pictures and I wonder what I saw that I thought he was so darn handsome!
As someone else mentioned - there are pictures and even sometimes in real life that I see that cold-dead-look and I am shocked each time because I realize that very look has been there all a long and I was just too blind to see it.
I kept all the pictures I have of my xah. I know that someday my kids will appreciate having them. But I keep them put away and I don't feel the desire to get them out or look at them.
The pictures of him from years ago used to still tug at my heartstrings a bit in a bittersweet kind of way. I have that feeling of "There he is - that's the man I fell in love with!!!!!" But it sure isn't the same man that I stayed married too or the man that he is today.
Pictures are definately big with me - pictures don't lie.
I also look at pictures of myself when I was married to him and I can see just how hurt and miserable I really was.
One day I was looking at some pictures just taken a few months ago and I was amazed at how different I look. (And no, I don't mean the age thing!!!! LOL) I really look happier!!!!!! And I am happier!!!!!
Pictures can hurt - and sometimes they are better left behind and gotten rid of. And sometimes I think they can be a very important part of someone's life. And every now and then - I remember that saying about a picture saying a thousand words.
Someday I hope that you can look at the pictures without hurting - without feeling anything negative. And someday when you find peace and recovery and all the good things out there you are on your way to finding - you'll know just where those pictures belong in your life.
Just keep on working on your recovery!
The picture wasn't flattering.
There were a few lies in the profile.
He no longer uses that site since he's found him a girlfriend. But I've gone in there a few times and looked at the picture on the profile. I also saw him in person a few weeks ago at a school function for one of our kids. And occassionally one of the kids will show me pictures on their cell phone which also contain a picture of him.
Sadly, I admit that sometimes I look at those pictures and I wonder what I saw that I thought he was so darn handsome!
As someone else mentioned - there are pictures and even sometimes in real life that I see that cold-dead-look and I am shocked each time because I realize that very look has been there all a long and I was just too blind to see it.
I kept all the pictures I have of my xah. I know that someday my kids will appreciate having them. But I keep them put away and I don't feel the desire to get them out or look at them.
The pictures of him from years ago used to still tug at my heartstrings a bit in a bittersweet kind of way. I have that feeling of "There he is - that's the man I fell in love with!!!!!" But it sure isn't the same man that I stayed married too or the man that he is today.
Pictures are definately big with me - pictures don't lie.
I also look at pictures of myself when I was married to him and I can see just how hurt and miserable I really was.
One day I was looking at some pictures just taken a few months ago and I was amazed at how different I look. (And no, I don't mean the age thing!!!! LOL) I really look happier!!!!!! And I am happier!!!!!
Pictures can hurt - and sometimes they are better left behind and gotten rid of. And sometimes I think they can be a very important part of someone's life. And every now and then - I remember that saying about a picture saying a thousand words.
Someday I hope that you can look at the pictures without hurting - without feeling anything negative. And someday when you find peace and recovery and all the good things out there you are on your way to finding - you'll know just where those pictures belong in your life.
Just keep on working on your recovery!
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I am glad I kept some photos. I wasn't crazy to love him. I still do. I like to see every once in awhile the human being rather than the addiction and issues. Our time together was crazy. His lifestyle now is crazy. But he is still a human being, who like the rest of us, has feelings and dreams and now many regrets as those crumble. I feel pity and compassion.
Once upon a time he was a brand new baby. He is an addict. Yes. But he is a human being.
It's been long enough, amends made, resentments and bitter memories left in the past.
Once upon a time he was a brand new baby. He is an addict. Yes. But he is a human being.
It's been long enough, amends made, resentments and bitter memories left in the past.
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
For me photos reveal a striking before and after. The before photos show a pre-alcoholism lovely, happy, kind, sweet and beautiful person.
The after photos are as night is to day. They show an emotionless, half dead apathetic person that is being being hammered by alcoholism. The face is puffy and imho she looks terrible.
The after photos are as night is to day. They show an emotionless, half dead apathetic person that is being being hammered by alcoholism. The face is puffy and imho she looks terrible.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Seattle, wa
Posts: 118
Thank you everyone!~ Those 4 photos are my favorite of him. He looks the most handsome and happy in them. But now I can see even behind that great handsome smile,(and he was a looker!) behind those eyes lay a hurt man. I am coming to understand mommy dearest had a lot to do with it but he is nooo where even close to understanding that issue yet.
I see the humanity of it now. I am sooo thankful I had the strength to make it forward when I thought I was truly dying.
I will save those photos and remember knowing this man forever changed me for the better even if he never gets there himself.
I am Blessed!~
I see the humanity of it now. I am sooo thankful I had the strength to make it forward when I thought I was truly dying.
I will save those photos and remember knowing this man forever changed me for the better even if he never gets there himself.
I am Blessed!~
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Murrieta, Ca
Posts: 2,683
My ex wife made a collage years ago. In the center of it is her and I in our early 20s (Long 80s hair and all, both of us) and all around it are various pics of out two daughters in various stages of development up to about 6 or 7 years.
The picture is on the wall of my room. Those were good times, we were young and raising out children, and happy. I have no anger, nor resentment, nor melonchony. The promises are true . I do not regret my past, nor wish to shut the door on it.
The picture is on the wall of my room. Those were good times, we were young and raising out children, and happy. I have no anger, nor resentment, nor melonchony. The promises are true . I do not regret my past, nor wish to shut the door on it.
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