fluffyflea

Hbb,

One thing I had to learn to do was look at actions and not words. His actions are saying he's a jack @## and his words are trying to keep you hooked. Do you want to be treated this way? If he doesn't have the guts to face it do you want to be involved with someone like that? This is all very unfair to you. Stop waiting for him to be fair to you, be fair to yourself. Start by NOT calling him because all you'll get is a pile of B.S and you'll end up feeling worse. Look at the ACTIONS.

tAKE OF YOUR LOAN, GOT TO THE BANK AND SEE HOW you can rectify this loan thing so you don't get burned.

And last but not least, I found what helped me was to sit down and write an inventory of my past relationships. That way I was able to see my patterns and make my recovery about ME rather than THEM.

earthworm

hbb

When you gals/guys put things a certain way, it seems so simple and easy and i think in my head that i can do it and then i crumble again. I think it also has alot to do with other threads on hear, like 13 stepping and ex's and all that combined has made me nuts and not knowing if i'm coming or going. I just wish i was strong, i'm not about ANYTHING ever and obviously have NO self worth and i've known that for a while single or not.

dobiediva

Now you're getting it! That "Everything is going to be ok" hope kept me hanging on for 2 years longer than I should have. I've heard the success stories, I've seen the movies. But this isn't Hollywood and the HORROR stories FAR outweigh the successes. It took him CONSTANTLY breaking my heart and lying to me for me to START to wake up. It took him going to JAIL for 90 days and the anger I felt when I found out he had possibly cheated YET AGAIN to give me the strength to REALLY see him for what he is. I STILL LOVE that man! I will probably ALWAYS love that man. But the man he IS NOW is not good enough for the woman I am becoming. I understand your pain. I'm living it too but sometimes we just need to pull ourselves back together and move forward. Living in limbo is no way to live even for what you believe is a good reason. You deserve happiness.

dollydo

Whats wrong with putting this relationship on the back burner for now? What is the rush to push the issue?

If it is mean't to be, it will be, if not, it won't...and it doesn't make any difference what you want and how much "You Love Him", if he doesn't love you and doesn't want to be with you, it will not work.

As for the loan, you made the choice to lend him the money, and, if he doesn't pay, just enforce the promissory note...I think you are using this as a reason to keep in touch with him, a red herring.

You have been with him for a very short time, how and why you got so wrapped up in him is beyond me. There are plently of good men out there, I would start circulating and leave him in my dust.

minnie

When I start blaming those around me for my situation and I am not seeing my part in it, I ask myself whether I am a victim, a volunteer or a martyr. And then I ask myself what I would say to a friend who was coming to me with the same issue.

Why do you think your self-worth is so in tatters, sweetie? Why are you giving your all to someone who is not willing to reciprocate in any way, shape or form?

splendra

Sweetie regardless of what he does or does not do if you continue obsessing over him even if he does want to get back with you if you are not in a healthy place no doubt something will knock you down again...

It is very rare that an alcoholic/addict works anything out with someone. You owe it to yourself and any relationship you may develop to get yourself mentally and emotionally in a very good place.

I don't think your b/f wants the relationship that you had maybe he knows that you are not in a healthy place and he could tell this by your giving too much and not letting the relationship find a healthy balance...

In my opinion the only chance you have of having a good relationship is to get yourself healthy!!! Then you might find that you attract healthier people. Can you see this?

hbb

I don't know, i just want to be loved back....you can all see my self esteem is in the crapper i'm sure. This is new for me, i was single for 8 years between bf's, dated here and there but nothing serious till now. I'm shy when it comes to meeting people and dating services are not for me either. When J. and i met it was natural, bumped into each other after a while again like it was fate and we were on cloud 9. We were in high school together 14 years ago.....it just all seemed to be how it should have ended up, don't get me wrong, there were other issues but nothing we said we couldn't get through..ya know? It was wrong of me to lose myself in him, i'm not denying that but at the time i was doing what i wanted to do and just love him because it felt good....as for a friend, it's easier to tell a friend what to do cause it's not their situation and it's removed, would i tell my friend to "screw him" if this was happening, absolutely. I guess it's you don't see it when your in it sort of thing.

hbb

I'm trying to see it Splendra, i don't think i'm necessarily unhealthy for being a giver and a provider. I knew he was down and out so at first was a total friend and that developed into a relationship. I know i can probably meet someone else down the road, but it is like a death and i am mourning right now but i know that this period isn't healthy either for me or anyone around me.

Live

So, let's take this one day at a time, k?

I understand what you said about not calling him, you don't want to hear the answer. That's why I didn't ask questions. I was afraid of the answers. Or the lies.

There is only one way I know of to move on and heal and that is: one day at a time.

Some other 12 step things it helps to tell yourself:

Take it easy.
Kiss....Keep it simple stupid.

minnie

I dug into my tool box and came up with these gems.

http://www.coping.org/growth/security.htm

http://www.coping.org/growth/esteem.htm

http://www.coping.org/lowesteem/rescue.htm

http://www.coping.org/relations/martyr.htm

http://www.coping.org/relations/reject.htm

http://www.coping.org/relations/boundar/intro.htm

The whole coping.org website is great - especially the questions to work through at the end of each chapter.

minnie

And some more - I just love that site

http://www.coping.org/control/caretaker.htm

http://www.coping.org/control/overdep.htm

dollydo

Boy Minnie, you sure have a fully equipped tool box, no wonder your recovery is shining!

minnie

Thanks, dolly. If I included stuff I have found on the net that has helped me, including on SR, it would fill a room. I don't think there is anything I have said or thought that had not been done before. I simply take what I like and leave the rest. Sometimes, I go back to the stuff I have left and find that it needs adding, sometimes I discard some stuff I no longer find useful.

I need to be open, though, for me to get anything out of the stuff I have read. Being defensive of my position only lead me to more of the same.

hbb

Thanks again Minnie, it is very useful. Just got back from Al Anon and stayed and talked to a sponsor. Very helpful, it was a very good meeting about letting go of control. Maybe this week i can carry me through Friday instead of just the night. Thanks again everyone for the tough and not so tough love today.

Nuudawn

I read your struggles hbb and can empathize so darn easy. I've been there..right where you are...bout a dozen or so times I think. I read something not so long ago that made a whole lotta sense to me.... when you are feeling insecure and needy in a relationship its because your needs are not being met. You are hanging on to someone who doesn't really give a good gosh darn about what you're going thru. He's in recovery and therefore actually HAS to be selfish to some degree. I know there are some here who will disagree with me..but as you know I been sober bout the same length of time. It's hard work and takes all my energy and I can BARELY keep up with friends and family let alone a relationship.

You need MORE than this fellow is able to give. When we are healthy, we are able to realize when we are not getting any return on investment... and we move on. Healthy people don't hang on waiting round for scraps. Healthy people don't obsess and overanalyze and wonder constantly about another. Healthy people care for themselves first..then the rest is easy.
I gotta ways to go before I consider myself a "healthy person". Not so long ago I was quite nuts over a colossal loser. There was good in him but the bad far outweighed it. I was too messed up to think clearly for a good long time. Letting go is a process...and I'd say....you're in it...whether you like it or not.

This is life...fun huh?

Live

hhb....I am going to put out a challenge to you....a double dog dare....start a new thread tomorrow and write at least two paragraphs about you without mentioning him. ?????

fluffyflea

Hbb,

I've been where you are now, have given my self and power away to loser after loser. When I started learning how to take care of myself my self-esteem started to grow and I began to attract a different kind of person. It's not easy and it takes time but it can be done.

Earthworm

sassysister

Can so relate also, I am getting the help that I so desperatly need. But I still have my days that hurt oh so much! Just went to my first CODA meeting and first al-anon. and have read, read everything I can. I have went back again and again and he always did the same things over and over. Just like you I was single and happy and independent financally. He came along when I wasn't even looking. He turned my world upside down. We lived together for two years have been apart two years. He lives six street away. Ans not only did I love him but his 7 year ld son. It has bee such heatache that I don't think I will ever be the same person. He tore my heart out every time and chewed it up and spit it out. But I also learned some things about myself. I once told him that good or bad I have learned something from everything that happened to us. He is still drinking everyday and destroying his family. I have let go and am trying to get on with my life. Will he let me? I know that when he is down and has no one else he calls ME! So I am getting better as so when this does happen I will be able to handle it in a way that is best for me. I have been reading post here for over a year now and finally I am able to post. I have learned so much. and I want to get better and move on. I need friends here. Only someone that has been through what we have been understands. Thanks

hbb

Nuudawn, i wrote back to you but you have to delete some messages for me to be able to send a response!!!! I'll wait a little bit and respond again in the meantime thanks!

splendra

Are you going to take ((((liveweyerd's))))) dare and start a new thread about you no mention of you know who???