guilt is creeping in
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: phoenix arizona
Posts: 741
guilt is creeping in
It's hard for me to go about my business, detach, be at peace, etc. when I know it's not happy and healthy over at my parents'. The guilt is coming back.
I've made progress, but still feel sad and angry that my parents still are dealing with my sister. Yes, I know it's their choice. Another thing I can't control.
How do you let go of the guilt? I'm going to go look it up in my books. Something has to click.
Mentally, it's been a rough couple of days.
I've made progress, but still feel sad and angry that my parents still are dealing with my sister. Yes, I know it's their choice. Another thing I can't control.
How do you let go of the guilt? I'm going to go look it up in my books. Something has to click.
Mentally, it's been a rough couple of days.
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
I'm sorry you'r going through that.
It was a catch 22 for me..
inorder to get rid of guilt I had to detach.
But i couldn't detached,becuase i felt guity.
I think your on the right track , just keep
reaching out..and maybe go to a meeting
so you can share with people that can understand you
and support you.
for me ..I had to trun it over becuase my life
became unmanagable or i becomae very
desfunctional, wondering and worrying
or the time, No matter much i went
round and round in my head or try to
get rid of the guilt..i kept doing the samething
over and over again..that part of it finally click.
Plus i was very tired and became phisically
sick at time..being sick and tired wasn't just
a figure of speach...I guess i hit a bottom,
metally, emotionally, finacially ansd spiritaully.
i had to do it 5 mins at a time to stopped
thinking about her all the time, so i can at
least focus on taking care of myself.
It was a catch 22 for me..
inorder to get rid of guilt I had to detach.
But i couldn't detached,becuase i felt guity.
I think your on the right track , just keep
reaching out..and maybe go to a meeting
so you can share with people that can understand you
and support you.
for me ..I had to trun it over becuase my life
became unmanagable or i becomae very
desfunctional, wondering and worrying
or the time, No matter much i went
round and round in my head or try to
get rid of the guilt..i kept doing the samething
over and over again..that part of it finally click.
Plus i was very tired and became phisically
sick at time..being sick and tired wasn't just
a figure of speach...I guess i hit a bottom,
metally, emotionally, finacially ansd spiritaully.
i had to do it 5 mins at a time to stopped
thinking about her all the time, so i can at
least focus on taking care of myself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: phoenix arizona
Posts: 741
I will definitely reach out tomorrow at my meeting.
We'll be reading and sharing about this topic from Courage to Change.
I like taking care of myself now. It feels right, but I just don't want to come across as the one who thinks she knows everything and everything's just so great for me. I'm projecting their feelings which probably aren't even true onto my taking care of myself.
I don't want to discount what's going on. I don't want my family to think I'm discounting either.
I can't just sit around, though and feel so bad. 3 C's...My sister made choices, my parents did, too. The only one who didn't is my niece. I'm so happy around her and I just pray that she'll be ok. I have to stay healthy so I can be there for her.
Tomorrow's a new day, and I'm thankful I'll have a meeting to go to.
We'll be reading and sharing about this topic from Courage to Change.
I like taking care of myself now. It feels right, but I just don't want to come across as the one who thinks she knows everything and everything's just so great for me. I'm projecting their feelings which probably aren't even true onto my taking care of myself.
I don't want to discount what's going on. I don't want my family to think I'm discounting either.
I can't just sit around, though and feel so bad. 3 C's...My sister made choices, my parents did, too. The only one who didn't is my niece. I'm so happy around her and I just pray that she'll be ok. I have to stay healthy so I can be there for her.
Tomorrow's a new day, and I'm thankful I'll have a meeting to go to.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 5
I am brand new here. this i my first post. I just wanted to say that I understand your situation fully. It is my brother with the problem. I live with my gf about a half an hour away from my family's house, where my brother lives with my grandparents. I'll spare the specifics for now, as you already know them anyway. He does fine, then has an incident, etc, etc. I've gotten to the point where I just want to detach and not obsess over what hes doing at all times, but I just feel so terrible for my grandparents. It really is a Catch 22. I'm hoping that some positive thinking and time, along with some support, will help me to get passed this for ME, not for him. More later...
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
C(((((((Teach))))))))
Your doing so well. Can hear it in your posts of late. I'm happy to hear you have things in perspective.
I think its about balance. Just because we detach, doesn't mean we don't care and love the people in our lives. I understand your hesitancy of coming across as a "know it all". In recovery, everything is new and we want to "share" what we've learned. Unforrtunatly, others in our lives, are in different places at diferent times
For me, it comes to the power of example. I can support and listen, but how I respond and react is all I can control. I have to be careful to not let MY disease get in the way. Bottom line, my detachment is necessary for me.
I too, have a sister who is struggling with addiction. And I have my boundarys. But I love her and tell her often. I just can't help her at this time. She fully understands and tells me she respects and admires me.
When their ready to listen, you'll know it. Until then all you can do is ask you HP for strength and the wisdom to recognize the right thing to do.
I think the BEST thing I can do for the others in my life who I love and are stuggling, is to take care of myself.
Stay strong, your doing so well,,,
Peace
PS And WELCOME mersault to SR!!!!! Its nice your first post was to support another,,Might I suggest you read the stickys at the top of the forum and continue to post? Theres a lot of support and love on these boards/
Your doing so well. Can hear it in your posts of late. I'm happy to hear you have things in perspective.
I think its about balance. Just because we detach, doesn't mean we don't care and love the people in our lives. I understand your hesitancy of coming across as a "know it all". In recovery, everything is new and we want to "share" what we've learned. Unforrtunatly, others in our lives, are in different places at diferent times
For me, it comes to the power of example. I can support and listen, but how I respond and react is all I can control. I have to be careful to not let MY disease get in the way. Bottom line, my detachment is necessary for me.
I too, have a sister who is struggling with addiction. And I have my boundarys. But I love her and tell her often. I just can't help her at this time. She fully understands and tells me she respects and admires me.
When their ready to listen, you'll know it. Until then all you can do is ask you HP for strength and the wisdom to recognize the right thing to do.
I think the BEST thing I can do for the others in my life who I love and are stuggling, is to take care of myself.
Stay strong, your doing so well,,,
Peace
PS And WELCOME mersault to SR!!!!! Its nice your first post was to support another,,Might I suggest you read the stickys at the top of the forum and continue to post? Theres a lot of support and love on these boards/
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: St. Paul, MN
Posts: 16
Aztchr~
I am just letting you know that I am familar with the guilt you are refering to. Some days are better than others. I try to remember that taking care of myself should not cause me to feel guilty and other peoples actions and choices should not interfer with my serenity.
Just know you are not alone in this.
PaddyCake
I am just letting you know that I am familar with the guilt you are refering to. Some days are better than others. I try to remember that taking care of myself should not cause me to feel guilty and other peoples actions and choices should not interfer with my serenity.
Just know you are not alone in this.
PaddyCake
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,019
You're definitely not alone, tchr. I can practice detachment all I want, but it doesn't mean that I stop caring about or praying for the people I love.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: phoenix arizona
Posts: 741
Yes, some days are better than others.
I realize when I'm away from them physically and not calling to check on things a little bit more often, I'm better off. The less I know, the better maybe?
I realize when I'm away from them physically and not calling to check on things a little bit more often, I'm better off. The less I know, the better maybe?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: phoenix arizona
Posts: 741
Sometimes I feel guilty because I'm not in so much pain anymore. I don't know if that makes any sense. Ultimately, the goal is to be happy, healthy, and living your life how you want to. I'm doing that more so than ever now and want to keep doing that without thinking I shouldn't be.
I know...quit thinking!
I know...quit thinking!
full of hope
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Hey A, I was thinking about this earlier--the guilt. It's been bad today for me. It's hard to fathom how detaching helps with the guilt. To me it almost seems like it would be a form of denial. Of course, that is my codie self talking, I'm sure. 
I really think you are doing great, Aztchr! It's been amazing to see your progress!
I really think you are doing great, Aztchr! It's been amazing to see your progress!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: phoenix arizona
Posts: 741
I acknowledge the need in letting go. No denial here.
I've really been thinking about this today before I go to meeting tonight.
I think it goes back to a great message I received from a wise person here.
I have made a different choice and it's OK!! I can't stop living for myself and feeling guilty because someone else makes a different choice.
I give myself permission to choose differently. I was ready. It took me as long as I needed. People in my life will make choices when they are ready. I don't have to agree with them and it serves me no purpose in getting angry with their choice. I also don't have to suffer with them just because. I have nothing really to be guilty about if I lead by a peaceful example.
I'll take care of my stuff and they can do the same for themselves. I don't have to get caught up in anything unacceptable to me.
OK, enough about ME today!
I've really been thinking about this today before I go to meeting tonight.
I think it goes back to a great message I received from a wise person here.
I have made a different choice and it's OK!! I can't stop living for myself and feeling guilty because someone else makes a different choice.
I give myself permission to choose differently. I was ready. It took me as long as I needed. People in my life will make choices when they are ready. I don't have to agree with them and it serves me no purpose in getting angry with their choice. I also don't have to suffer with them just because. I have nothing really to be guilty about if I lead by a peaceful example.
I'll take care of my stuff and they can do the same for themselves. I don't have to get caught up in anything unacceptable to me.
OK, enough about ME today!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Richmond, Virginia
Posts: 26
Dear Aztchr: because I know so well where you are, having been there myself, I wanted to share with you something that someone sent to me that helped me so much in understanding what detachment is. My AS (36) is a late stage alcoholic - so heartbreaking, but have had to learn to "detach" myself when I just can take it anymore with the understanding that I am doing something good for him and for myself. Hope this helps.
To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more
Remember: The time to love is short
To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more
Remember: The time to love is short
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
I tell myself to avoid thinking that is in the area of "FEAR" "DOUBT" or "WORRY"
If you find yourself w/ this kind of thinking you know it is time to change your thinking. Put on music, go for a run, take a shower, call a friend, etc.
Practice the skills of recovery so that you can be an example.
If you find yourself w/ this kind of thinking you know it is time to change your thinking. Put on music, go for a run, take a shower, call a friend, etc.
Practice the skills of recovery so that you can be an example.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by aztchr 
Yes, some days are better than others.
I realize when I'm away from them physically and not calling to check on things a little bit more often, I'm better off. The less I know, the better maybe?
I realize when I'm away from them physically and not calling to check on things a little bit more often, I'm better off. The less I know, the better maybe?
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