SenoritaC

Hello all! I'm new here, so i guess i'll give you a run down before i ask my questions.....sorry its long, and drama-filled

My boyfriend of 7 months is a recovering alcoholic, most of the time. He's 21, and has been in and out of recovery since he was 15, his longest run being 9 months. He was 3 months sober when we started dating, one month when we met. He is also on supplemented income for some mental illnesses: Anxiety, depression and schizophrenic tendencies/drug induced psychosis. Despite all of this, he generally portrays a normal loving amazing man, who I share a very very close relationship with. I know we've moved quickly, but I'm not sure that's such a bad thing....

When I first met him, he was living in the local YMCA. I had found him a decent basement suite at a decent price, and fronted him the funds for the damage deposit which he quickly paid back. Unfortunately, there was a crazy old bat that lived upstairs and was also the landlord, that caused him mega grief mentally. So, trying to do the best thing for him, i found him yet another awesome basement suite and again fronted the funds. Things have been good for him there for the most part (no crazy old bag with cameras) except with his sobriety.

Last month, he was experiencing many many cravings, and would call me in the middle of the night as he couldnt sleep. I did the best i could, told him how strong he was, how much i loved him, and that maaaybe he should hit up a meeting, because i couldn't exactly relate to him. He hadn't gone to a meeting since he left the YMCA in Feb, and then it was a weekly thing. Then payday came. He lied to me and told me he was going to his grandparents place, and we would do something afterwards. So I call him when I'm done work, and his phone is off. Kind of weird in my mind as he is only at his grandparents. So then i start to freak out, thinking he's cheating on me. I happen to have access to his call logs as his phone is under my name. I see that the last number he called was a number he had said he'd called because he was trying to find his friend Nathan, but it was a wrong number. So I called the number, and once a guy picked up, i immediately knew he relapsed. My boyfriend finally called me at 3 am to pick him up from a ravine in which he had been drinking. I got him because he had no one else, and the buses weren't running.

Since then he has been really down, except lately which boggled my mind. I havent seen him this happy in a very long long long time. Except for one thing. He's relapsing tonight. As much as everyone tells me to not jump to conclusions, i know he is. Especially now.

He didnt even last a month....before he went 9. I'm not really familiar with the recovery process, but the scares me. I know i don't want to do this anymore, and i keep hoping that this is the last one, or the last was the last....for at least a long while. But this quickly??? And i had even told him i couldnt do it again within the next 3 months....but im awful for sticking to my guns. I do love this boy something fierce, and it tears me up inside to think of him doing this again.

I'm not a selfish person by any means, so my question would be this....should i be strong for myself, or strong for him. He needs someone there for him, due to his mental illnesses, but i know that this is not fun at all. If i stay with him, what can i say/do to encourage recovery??? or, how do i walk away from someone i love so dearly??

dollydo

Welcome,

You are young, why in the world tie yourself up with someone who has so many issues? There are many nice, sober men out there.

You are enabling him, finding him rooms, picking him up and so on.If he drinks himself into a stupor, let him sit there the rest of the night. He gave no thought to you, calling you at 3 am is selfish and not acceptable to me. You are a soft place for him to land, he is using you.

He has him family to be there for him, if they choose to be. It is not your responsibility.

You have you whole life ahead of you, why waste it, days turn into weeks, weeks into months, and months into years, and if nothing changes, nothing changes.

Do yourself a favor, let him go, he's not worth it. You deserve better.

Rella927

First of all Welcome! Glad that you found us! Keep posting and read some stickies at the top of the forum!

I'm not a selfish person by any means, so my question would be this....should i be strong for myself, or strong for him. He needs someone there for him, due to his mental illnesses, but i know that this is not fun at all. If i stay with him, what can i say/do to encourage recovery??? or, how do i walk away from someone i love so dearly??

Answer to your question IMHO: You need to stay strong for yourself at all times if you stay or LEAVE!

You hit it right on the nose you are not a selfish person and do not feel that you are if you leave this man! I believe IMHO it is the A who is the selfish person but it is because of mostly the alcohol!
DollyDo said it perfect this is selfish:"You are enabling him, finding him rooms, picking him up and so on.If he drinks himself into a stupor, let him sit there the rest of the night. He gave no thought to you, calling you at 3 am is selfish and not acceptable to me. You are a soft place for him to land, he is using you."

If you wish to stay which I personally agree with DollyDo you are young and have a whole life ahead of you but, if you wish to stay that is your choice 100% you must set boundaries and not enable him by finding him places to live-and forget about trying to encourage him to go to recovery! It will not work! I have found when I worry about me and things I need to do for ME then the worry of them becomes just that their worry not my own. Easier said than done because you love this man but, IMHO you are fighting a loosing battle when it comes to the bottle it always wins! The extended energy trying to go through phone records etc....it is not worth the sacrifice of your own life and well being!

I would run the other direction but, you need to do what is right for you! If you decide to stay maybe try an Al-Anon meeting and even an AA meeting or two! It could help guide YOU! It is about YOU not him and that is how life should be! You are not married to this man and your so young and have a long wonderful life ahead of you make it a peaceful and joyous one!

((((HUGS))))

parentrecovers

nice to meet you, senoritac - glad you found us. you going to alanon or getting any counseling? both help me deal with my daughter's addiction.

you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you cannot control it. you do have many choices though - how you allow to affect your life.

blessings, and keep posting - k

SenoritaC

Thanks so much!! Its nice to find people that i can relate to better. My father is a boozehound/alcoholic, though he refuses to admit he has a problem and continues. So, it's harder to relate to my mom, or ask her to relate to me, because although a similar substance is involved, it's not the same situation.

Maybe i should talk a little more of the situation to maybe give a better understanding of my actions. Up until a month ago, he was completely in recovery, i had minor fears, but i had strooong faith that he was strong. It was never an issue with us during that time, which is why i did find him some suitable housing. He was just my amazing boyfriend that had some mental problems that made the relationship a little more difficult at time. Yes, he was an alcoholic, but a recovering one. So i helped him out, just like i would have helped out anyone that i love. I'm a giver..

He says that in the past, when he relapsed, it would be like a week binge. Now it's just a night. He doesnt go out and stop at the bar everyday for a week. He gets SMASHED, for the night, and calls me when he knows he's sober enough to talk to me and not let the booze speak for him.

Last night he finally called me about 12 hours after i had last spoken to him (Yes, we are ridiculous, and speak like 16 times a day when we dont see each other) Or rather, finally replied to my million texts with an "I'm sorry". I went to go get him from about the same place at the ravine as last time. I told him straight up, that this was the last time. That if/when this happened again, i wouldnt be there to come get him, i could no longer be his girlfriend, because it causes me a lot of grief. I told him that at the next relapse, he could call me to talk, and vent and whatnot....but as much as i love and care for him, i'd need to care about myself a little more. I told him that if i was going to stay in this relationship, and possibly set myself up for more hurt, that he would have to prove to me how serious he was about his recovery, because i couldnt stay if he wasn't. He gave me his debit card, and told me that he would be going to like 3 meetings a week, but wanted to make sure that was ok, since we wouldnt get to see each other much.

Last time, i did a lot of lecturing, crying and yelling....this time though, there was just a lot of bitterness. And i hate that. Some of the comments out of my mouth last night made me cry. I apologized for it though, because you dont talk to someone you love like that, and he said he deserved it.

I know i'm probably pretty useless because i hold so much hope, that this will be the last relapse in a long time, or even ever...This is the hardest relationship i've ever been in, and the booze is only a small part of it. And yet, i must be a hopeless romantic because i still think enough love can fix most problems :P Boy, am i naive!

an'ka

You're young and in love, your feelings are completely understandable. What I found out for myself, when I still lived with my AH, is that when they sober up, you can have the most wonderful conversation and hear the most heartfelt apologies and intentions, but they only last until the next drinking round. There is no reasoning with an A, this is what makes alcoholism so baffling. He will, in fact, call you from the same place when he binges--again and again. You can yell, cry, preach, reason, or whatever--you might as well be talking to a wall. Follow through is notoriously lacking when it comes to addicts; they will promise you the world until the next binge.

If I were you, I'd return his debit card, stop setting up housing arrangements for him, stop picking him up during/after binges, and stop cutting him slack because of his mental problems. He needs ongoing counseling and meds, given the nature of the problems you described in your original post. If I was your mother, I'd tell you to run for the hills, because this relationship is going to waste months or years of your life and make you bitter and resentful.

My final question is, in your first post you said that you started freaking out when he didn't pick up his cell while at his grandparents'. Why did you so readily jump to the conclusion that he was cheating???

Tazman53

You say he is in recovery? What program? If he is not working a program of some sort he is not in recovery.

ARealLady

First of all, THANK YOU, an'ka, for spelling it out to me....I needed to read your words.

SenoritaC....welcome to the beginning of your new life. Get yourself to Al-Anon and read Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie. Her second volume, Beyond Co-dependency, will explain very clearly why you should not attempt to be in a relationship with a recovering A for at least a year of HIS sobriety. Right now you are setting yourself up for years of grief. Just because your mother hung in with your A father does not mean that you have to be a martyr to this young man.

ARL

SenoritaC

My apologies for taking awhile to reply. I faced up to some things, and realized many, and took awhile to come to terms with who I am.

Yes, I have enabled the man I love in the past, and that's the most hurtful thing to acknowledge. I still don't agree that me assisting in house hunting, and fronting a damage deposit is enabling in that sense though. Yes, i knew he was in recovery from day one, but somehow i guess, I didn't acknowledge that an alcoholic was really part of that. If I were dating a sober guy, and had the same actions, would i be labeled the same, and feel guilt?? I highly doubt it.

I also realize straight up and down (the most part) that I am a co-dependent. And that I have been for the majority of my life. I'm not sure where it came from, but perhaps my mother, as now that i look at it, she has similar tendencies. It's kind of nice in a sense though now, to finally realize why i would freak out and bawl my eyes out over something slightly insignificant, if i took a step back and looked at it.

I am still with my boyfriend,i still have hope. Maybe i rationalize it by saying "Yes, I am only 20 years old. But I've only been with him 7 months....things could change, and either way, I have a lot to live and learn" All i know is that i love him, that we're both young, and many things could change. I'm not marrying him, im just being his woman.

Perhaps what gives me this hope is what i see on the board here. I can count on one hand how many times he has lied to me (my intuition does not lie) but unfortunately, those few do relate to his drinking. Maybe i'm lucky in the sense that he's not "active" alkie....i've only seen glimpes of this part of him....he won't let me see him when he is drinking, and maybe thats a good thing....it's slightly reassuring to see the shame he has for it. He is working on it, i told him he had been a dry drunk for the past few months, and he admitted to it, and will now be going to meetings. For himself, which is all i ask for.

As far as immediately assuming he was cheating. I blame that on insecurities, past relationships, my father, and society. In our selfish selfish world, it seems as though that commitment is only celebrated in cheeseball romance movies, and books. Infidelity is all around. And yes, this is my own issue, that i've dealt with. I realize now that i won't lose him to another woman, i'd lose him to a bottle.

hope2bhappy

No... you're a codependent. Uno momento, Senorita... Why do you love someone who is (at the moment) incapable of loving you back? THAT is the question, here.

I have been in and out of relationships throughout my life where my whole reason for living was to fix and take care of someone else... always convinced that if I did this or that, he would love me more and we would live happily ever after... always terrified that he would cheat or leave me for someone else. What a miserable existence this was. I actually thought I was doing everything right. It took years before I finally discovered that all of my pathetic, needy, futile actions had nothing to do with my being "a giver," but rather everything to do with my having looooooow self-esteem and self-worth.

You may not realize this, but you are a good example of how alcoholism (your father) hurts and adversely affects the children living under the same roof... for the rest of their lives... all of their relationships from childhood to adulthood. I don't mean this as an insult, but rather an insight into why you do the things you do.

I agree with everything everyone else has pointed out, above. Leave him to himself, and focus more on repairing the damage in your own life -- which happened long before you ever met him. You have no idea how great you are. Focus on finding and fixing yourself. You are SO worth it.

denny57

When the time is right, it might be helpful to read some of the posts about the progression of the disease. I met AH when he was 27 and I would have said then what you say now. He is 46 now and I literally don't recognize him.

Good luck to you and keep reading and posting - the more you know, the better equipped you will be for the rollercoaster ride of a life with an alcoholic.

prodigal

Greetings - glad you found us. I could tell you to head for the door and not look back, but you are going to do what you want. And for now it sounds like you want to hang around waiting for this guy to get his act together. It's your call.

I would, however, suggest you obtain a copy of "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. She is a recovering addict and codependent. I didn't understand her book the first time I read it 12 years ago. I kept underlining the parts that pertained to my exAH. Fast-forward to July 2007: I now read the book and see the parts that pertain to me and my codependency.

You may want to give Al-Anon a try too. Find some meetings in your area and check them out. Warning: the attendees don't discuss how to help the A's in their lives. They discuss how to help themselves. I couldn't figure out WHAT the heck was going on in the meetings for quite some time. I mean, I didn't get it at all. I'm happy that eventually I DID get it, for my own sanity.

Please give some serious consideration to Al-Anon and keep posting.

CodeMaster

You need to wait until he stabilizes in his sobriety. He wont be able to do so if your in the picture... be his friend, but hold off on the dating part. I know its impossible to do since your already in it, but I think you'll see thats what you should do someday.

fluffyflea

There is alcoholism and schizophrenia mixed in there both high maintenance illnesses.

I'll give you a statistic, if you were to have achild with this man your child would have a one in ten chance of developing schizophrenia plus have the genes of alcoholism.

You are young why be with someone who has so many problems?

Earthworm