thinkmink

My IL's have been snubbing me since I have been doing what I can to take care of myself and my 2 year old daughter. They don't know about the constant belittlement or frightening rages my AH has been doing recently and for far tooooo long. I fled to my mom's and have been staying here for a month and a half. I sent a Father's day gift and a letter to my FIL tot ell him I still loved his son very much and wasn't giving up on him. He sent a letter addressed only to my two year old in which he thanks her. He additionally carefully constructed the letter so that he almost didn't even acknowledge that I even existed, let alone anything I had written. This isn't the first snub as none of my correspondence has been returned, but this was the most reprehensible to me. I was extremely hurt and outraged that someone would be so cruel as to use correspondence with my daughter to passive/aggressively hurt me. I talked to my husband and told him about it he apologized for the poor behavior and said he would talk to his dad. I know that he did talk to his dad and even in my AH estimation his dad was indeed snubbing me and gave a thin argument that he was just thanking my daughter. What made things worse was that FIL wrote some "damage-control" letter as if he hadn't talked to my husband and just remembered on his own account to say something to me. When I pointed out all the obvious reasons why the letter and gift were from me and how my mother hasn't snubbed my AH in even the slightest way because we were still trying to work things out. My FIL had the audacity to say he couldn't understand why I would be upset or why I would mention the my mother not snubbing my AH because he felt that we both needed family support and understanding during this "trying time". I finally told him that I had noticed that no one had ever recipricated any of my correspondance, I had already been told the bad things that had been said about me by my IL's, and that it was all too obvious that I was being snubbed. I didn't say this but I would have much more respect for this man if he owned up to it and was like "Yep...I snubbed you". But it just infuriated me that someone was basically using their "love" for my daughter as a vehicle to hurt me. Normally I try to avoid conflict, but I will not tolerate someone using my daughter as a pawn.

thinkmink

got another email from FIL, but I am just going to let it go. I said my peace already I won't bother to repeat myself. I would have a better chance of talking my AH into recovery (hahahahaha) than I would getting any further with this man. He was passive/aggressive and will never admit it. I see this as a little window into why my AH has so many issues. I was duped for years as my FIL can be quite charming and plays an **excellent** victim. Oh how I have felt sorry for him. But I see now how this role he plays has been a great vehicle for hurting his ex-wife. He constantly puts his children into the position where they have to choose between him and his ex-wife. When I talked about perhaps doing an intervention for my husband, he refused to participate because his ex-wife would be there. He can't put away his hatred for her even if his son's life depended on it. How sad. He wants to hurt his ex-wife so bad that he doesn't care how it hurts his children.

Cynay

When I divorced I was kicked to the curb too. They are very loving and generous to my daughter but with me they act like I dont exist.

I got over it pretty fast though when I realized how much they contributed to the Chaos in my life. His Mother was a control freak and His Father was passive but thought the would should stop when he had something to say. We really had it out once about my daughter... they liked to fill her head with BS... thing like telling her that she was not safe being home alone before catching the bus. Good heavens she was old enough and asked if she could.. Plus I had the neighbor watching out too.

This will all pan out for the best, dont let them get to you... remember what other people think about you is none of your business.

cmc

Thinkmink,
Just remember that you can't make any sense to a person who doesn't have any sense. He is very sick. One thing that helps me with people like that is to refuse to listen to any second hand dialogues or information.
If someone wants me to know something, they can tell me themself. Passing along 'versions' of what is happening is a cowardly way to communicate. It's gossip in it's worst form.
Once I made it clear that I don't listen to that stuff or pass on their information, the ones who want to use me that way just stop trying.

Ragazza Miele

Wow, I am so glad I found this site. I thought I was so alone in all of the weird alcoholic wonderland of mine. I'm four months into a separation with my AH and going thru the same thing with the ILs. They have completely written me off, the mother is a control freak and the father worse than passive. I've had people ask me if he's even alive still, because he's never mentioned, and that would be because he's got no voice in that family, so he just keeps his trap shut. I always knew I was an outsider, no matter what they said. But what's happening now is proof positive. I won't miss them............

Good luck Thinkmink, and you're right. Don't bother trying to justify anything with the FIL, all it does is fester more emails going back & forth and there's nothing you can do to change his way of thinking or acting. Don't waste your energy, it just drains you. Try to use your energy towards more positive things, your daughter and your "working it out" with the husband if that's what you're doing. It's really between you & him anyway, not the dad. Don't make him so important in your business. I had to learn that the hard way unfortunately.