How do I know if he is sober?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: california
Posts: 12
How do I know if he is sober?
Since I am not talking to my brother (since he wouln't go into treatment)...how can I tell if he is sober? I thought of calling his landlord but my husband says I shouldn't.
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Santa Barbara, CA
Posts: 31
you can carry the message but you can't carry the alcoholic
It's hard to respond to this because you don't give much detail. In my years of recovery I have found that it is fairly easy to tell if you are contact with them, because real alcoholics are going to drink at their problems, and then the drink will take over and become the problem all over again. Does he say he is trying to get sober, does he go to AA? Does he go to AA and then drink anyway? What is your suspicion? Does he look like crap and act like a jerk most of time?
I can tell you that my sister has gotten fed up with me in the past and has gone through cycles of caring, then avoiding contact with me. But she kept tabs on me through my wife, and I have to tell you that really pissed me off. I felt that if she had a question to ask she should come ask it herself. I felt it was kinda chickensh*t to walk around the perimeter and not have enough respect to simply walk up and ask me what was up. The problem there is I tended to forget that I mostly lied about my drinking to begin with, and so the respect got lost in all that mess. But she also has a severe problem with confrontation and negative vibes. So I guess I would say be direct and ask him, but don't expect the truth. If you have a decent level of discernment about his sober behavior and his drunken behavior it shouldn't be too hard to know.
If you go to Al-Anon meetings you can get a lot of feedback about this sort of thing. If you are truly new and inexperienced in this area you can do research online about typical behaviors of addiction versus recovery. Sometimes when a person is newly sober their reactions may seem a bit weird because they in fact feel very weird and are having trouble dealing with issues like shame and guilt and anger at themsleves. So the family members often get over-reactions and confusion and high emotions pouring out at them, which may lead them to think that the alcoholic is still using. So it can be a little tricky, but it depends on how well you know him to begin with. But I know Al-Anon does focus a lot on "love with detachment", meaning you can love him but not allow him to wreck your world with his addiction. I hope this has helped.
I can tell you that my sister has gotten fed up with me in the past and has gone through cycles of caring, then avoiding contact with me. But she kept tabs on me through my wife, and I have to tell you that really pissed me off. I felt that if she had a question to ask she should come ask it herself. I felt it was kinda chickensh*t to walk around the perimeter and not have enough respect to simply walk up and ask me what was up. The problem there is I tended to forget that I mostly lied about my drinking to begin with, and so the respect got lost in all that mess. But she also has a severe problem with confrontation and negative vibes. So I guess I would say be direct and ask him, but don't expect the truth. If you have a decent level of discernment about his sober behavior and his drunken behavior it shouldn't be too hard to know.
If you go to Al-Anon meetings you can get a lot of feedback about this sort of thing. If you are truly new and inexperienced in this area you can do research online about typical behaviors of addiction versus recovery. Sometimes when a person is newly sober their reactions may seem a bit weird because they in fact feel very weird and are having trouble dealing with issues like shame and guilt and anger at themsleves. So the family members often get over-reactions and confusion and high emotions pouring out at them, which may lead them to think that the alcoholic is still using. So it can be a little tricky, but it depends on how well you know him to begin with. But I know Al-Anon does focus a lot on "love with detachment", meaning you can love him but not allow him to wreck your world with his addiction. I hope this has helped.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 84
From what information you have given, I would say you won't know unless he contacts you. But if he goes into a 12 step program eventually he will be making amends and since he is such a close family member he most likely has an amends to make with you. I suggest going to al-anon in the meantime.
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