Do A's Always Cause A Crisis?

Old 06-27-2007, 06:30 PM
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GlassPrisoner, you raised a very interesting point regarding isolation. My AH isolates big time. We can't have his co-workers over because they all think he dried out for good from last year's rehab, so he can't drink around them. He doesn't appear to have interest in going anywhere, doing anything, meeting anyone, whatever .... When he's sober (which isn't often), he's awkward and ill-at-ease, when he's drunk he's just plain nuts.

In pulling a "geographic" he moved us to an alkie's heaven-on-Earth: small town, middle of nowhere, people aren't particularly friendly ... he can stagger around in the backyard with his bottle or sit starting at the t.v. and nobody, including the neighbors, ever bothers him one bit. Sad, very sad.
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Old 06-27-2007, 06:36 PM
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He doesn't appear to have interest in going anywhere, doing anything, meeting anyone, whatever ....
Yup.

When he's sober (which isn't often), he's awkward and ill-at-ease,
Yup and yup.......That's alcoholism. And why we're afraind of AA. We're not used to being around other people, interacting & stuff.

As far as a geographic, you know the old saying. "Wherever you go, there you are " or "Where ever you go, you take you with you" I.E., the problem is an inside job.
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Old 06-27-2007, 06:44 PM
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Amen to that, GP. I washed my hands of the entire mess months ago. I'm pulling a "geographic" vacation, but mine is to reconnect with a lot of friends and a strong support system. I'm also going to do some initial job-hunting. Yes, my codie-ism will go with me, but at least I won't be exposed to AH's toxicity, thank God!
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Old 06-28-2007, 07:55 AM
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Originally Posted by prodigal View Post
GlassPrisoner, you raised a very interesting point regarding isolation. My AH isolates big time. We can't have his co-workers over because they all think he dried out for good from last year's rehab, so he can't drink around them. He doesn't appear to have interest in going anywhere, doing anything, meeting anyone, whatever .... When he's sober (which isn't often), he's awkward and ill-at-ease, when he's drunk he's just plain nuts.

In pulling a "geographic" he moved us to an alkie's heaven-on-Earth: small town, middle of nowhere, people aren't particularly friendly ... he can stagger around in the backyard with his bottle or sit starting at the t.v. and nobody, including the neighbors, ever bothers him one bit. Sad, very sad.
Wow, you're married to my long-lost twin brother! And here I thought I was the only isolating home drinker. Terminally unique for sure.
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Old 06-28-2007, 07:58 AM
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My ex-AH use to undermind whatever was happening with me unless it included him... and a major that he would work on was my career. He would do any/everything to make me feel bad about my career (granted in the beginning I was a workaholic) and embarrass me ... it got to the point that I would not attend any company functions that included spouses... unless I knew he could not be there.

WOW. That's true here too. According to AW my job isn't good enough....they dont' treat me right....I don't make enough money....TO HECK with the fact I actually LIKE what I do....
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Old 06-28-2007, 11:00 AM
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my daughter does this - her addiction is very self centered. we've had to pull her aside many times at gatherings to tell her to KNOCK IT OFF!

it's part of the frustration a lot of us feel..

blessings, k
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Old 06-28-2007, 12:10 PM
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Originally Posted by GlassPrisoner View Post
Yup.



Yup and yup.......That's alcoholism. And why we're afraind of AA. We're not used to being around other people, interacting & stuff.

As far as a geographic, you know the old saying. "Wherever you go, there you are " or "Where ever you go, you take you with you" I.E., the problem is an inside job.

Wow....my A pulled a geographic to move to his own little condo. (no wife,kids,dogs,etc...) I guess he spends his other time in a very A-friendly sport: golf. Quite,controlled, you play with people (or not) but not much talking. Perfect! and a drink at the end, if you want!

Oh, and before moving, he was another "isolating home drinker",too!
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Old 06-28-2007, 12:48 PM
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Of course they cause a crisis. So does anyone who is trying to find an excuse to avoid the real issue.

I did it, too, and I would bet my car that 99% of people posting on F&F did it too. Yet again, it is something that is not unique to problem drinkers.
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Old 06-28-2007, 01:38 PM
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I don't feel I started a crisis, but I certainly contributed a great deal to one once it was set in motion. I'd escalate it by taking his bait or trying to explain him to him or begging him for answers. Yeah, as if I was gonna get a rational response from an A. But that was my role to play. Trying to make him see the light, trying to drag him into a meeting (I actually drove him to one when he was half-smashed), trying to get him to see my point of view.

I was honestly so shocked at the things he would say or do to me that I would just freak out or get into a major argument/fight with him. So I acted in collusion with him. I suppose my contribution to a crisis was to get involved in it and go along for the ride or escalate the situation once it was set in motion.
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Old 06-28-2007, 03:28 PM
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My XAH was for the most part a loner when it came to drinking too but I could tell this wasnt what he wanted at all. The kids and I got in the way of his good times that he longed for. And when we asked him to go to rehab....well then that turned out to be the beginning of the end..

He not only drank alone but the kids noticed before he left us in Jul 05 that it only took him 3 or 4 beers to become drunk...I didnt understand this until now.

And like alot of others have said we didnt go out at all and his drinking cost us the few friends that we did have...
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Old 06-28-2007, 10:33 PM
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Minnie, what kind of car is it? LOL!

I can say I never caused a crisis to ruin someone else's special day. I'd rather put a hot poker in my eye. I think that was the original question.
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Old 06-29-2007, 10:19 AM
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Wow Glass... yep, my final stage of alcoholism was isolation (or at the very least isolating away with other drunks). I just had to ask myself...did I isolate in the end cuz I had simply given up trying to be the centre of the universe? All alone...in my own mind without an audience to tell or show me otherwise...hammered.... I was a LEGEND...lol.
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Old 06-29-2007, 11:20 PM
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Only if you let them.
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Old 06-30-2007, 06:36 PM
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Originally Posted by jimhere View Post
Only if you let them.

Yup...how true. I am realizing that I am not responsible for someone else's experience - only my own.

What Denny said really hit home. I spent so much effort making what he did "ok", putting effort into believing the excuses he gave. Yet I would have found behaviour like this from myself inexcusable. In the end, he never wanted to leave the house...I did and got sick of feeling alone living with him.

Today, I spent the whole day outside, no longer have him or the crisis, and do not feel alone right now. I feel a bit sun-burned!
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Old 07-01-2007, 04:26 AM
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crisis, chaos, calamity, confusion, and cussin'.......yes, yes, yes, yes, and yes.

this was my x's m.o.

and there have been times i have done the same with him just to get revenge...i would do it when he was real vulnerable, like hungover from a two week drinking binge, or was trying to really, really be good to me after abusing me.
i learned to be very subltle with it. and i would delight in watching his mass confusion.

that was way before al-anon...and he was the only one that i have ever done it to....because i'm really not that way. well, i guess i was, if i did it.
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