Caught AW in a lie
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 91
Caught AW in a lie
First time this has happened. Had proof of the lie...she couldn't deny. She swears it's the first time she's lied to me...but now I'm questioning everything in the past and present. I know from reading posts here it's only going to get worse. I've told her that when and if I catch another lie I will be out of the relationship. I expect to catch another one in a day or two. I can't do this much longer. The breaking point is about to be reached.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
If you can understand the concept that it is the alcohol talking and not the person it will be much easier for you. The lies become automatic and not intentional to hurt you.
You may wish to urge she enter treatment to get sober and save the "out of the relationship" stuff for the "bottom line" if she refuses treatment.
Believe me I know first hand exactly what you are going through. Sorry
You may wish to urge she enter treatment to get sober and save the "out of the relationship" stuff for the "bottom line" if she refuses treatment.
Believe me I know first hand exactly what you are going through. Sorry
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 91
She wont have to worry about me backing up the threat. I will not be lied to. Fool me once shame on you...fool me twice shame on me.
I do think she meant to hurt me...and she did a damn good job of it too.
I do think she meant to hurt me...and she did a damn good job of it too.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,031
Originally Posted by AskingWhy 
I do think she meant to hurt me...and she did a damn good job of it too.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
It really sucks when you have to second guess everything because you can not trust....
Hurting people hurt other people and Im not saying its acceptable but it happens. Have you ever told her you can not continue to live under these conditions and if she does not get treatment/help for her disease that you will terminate the relationship?
I know my ex-AH was out to hurt me... toward the end of the relationship he acted like I was the enemy and to be quite honest I probably was his worst nightmare then... I was the one that was going to attack his drinking career... A change was going to be made and in his mind it was a lose/lose choice for him.... He was being forced to make a choice... Alcohol or his Wife and Daughter... He was losing his enabler (and I have to admitt I was a heck of a good enabler) but in the end.... Alcohol won.
Hurting people hurt other people and Im not saying its acceptable but it happens. Have you ever told her you can not continue to live under these conditions and if she does not get treatment/help for her disease that you will terminate the relationship?
I know my ex-AH was out to hurt me... toward the end of the relationship he acted like I was the enemy and to be quite honest I probably was his worst nightmare then... I was the one that was going to attack his drinking career... A change was going to be made and in his mind it was a lose/lose choice for him.... He was being forced to make a choice... Alcohol or his Wife and Daughter... He was losing his enabler (and I have to admitt I was a heck of a good enabler) but in the end.... Alcohol won.
Recovering Nicely
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
A's do lie, all the time, some big lies, some small lies, but lies. My RAH is a great guy, even when drunk, but I couldn't believe a word that came out of his mouth. Example:
Me: Why aren't you eating dinner?
Him: I ate alot today.
Me: What did you eat?
Him: Bagel w/2 eggs for breakfast, and a donut, italian hero for lunch, plus potatoe salad and now this.
About 20 minutes (and 2 beers) later:
Me: Why aren't you eating dnner?
Him: I ate alot today.
Me: What did you eat?
Him: Hungry man hero for breakfast, bagel with cream cheese for a snack, lasagna and garlic knots for lunch and now this.
Even something so trivial as food they lie about. It's the alcohol talking. I do believe it does become automatic. Try asking when she's sober, you may have a better shot.
QT
Me: Why aren't you eating dinner?
Him: I ate alot today.
Me: What did you eat?
Him: Bagel w/2 eggs for breakfast, and a donut, italian hero for lunch, plus potatoe salad and now this.
About 20 minutes (and 2 beers) later:
Me: Why aren't you eating dnner?
Him: I ate alot today.
Me: What did you eat?
Him: Hungry man hero for breakfast, bagel with cream cheese for a snack, lasagna and garlic knots for lunch and now this.
Even something so trivial as food they lie about. It's the alcohol talking. I do believe it does become automatic. Try asking when she's sober, you may have a better shot.
QT
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Hi Asking,
You already received some great replies. I'm a mom of an addict and I agree that it's very important to be prepared to follow through. I'm not questioning whether or if you really intend to follow through or not, but my point is that I had to learn to avoid reacting to much of what went on, and instead come up with some well thought out responses and a plan of action. I learned in Alanon and by coming here to SR that I am not compelled to do anything until I am ready to.
Exactly what does that mean to you? No more contact? Separation? Divorce. When I make a boundary and am not specific...it becomes meaningless.
Perhaps part of you sharing here is to look at what others have done? You know she is going to lie again (she will if she's still active) and you plan to end it right there. If so, why are you here and what is it that you would like to hear from us?
This forum is for 'you' and to support you in your struggle living with an alcoholic. I can share my experience with you, but it's up to you to decide what you want.
You are not alone, we are here.
You already received some great replies. I'm a mom of an addict and I agree that it's very important to be prepared to follow through. I'm not questioning whether or if you really intend to follow through or not, but my point is that I had to learn to avoid reacting to much of what went on, and instead come up with some well thought out responses and a plan of action. I learned in Alanon and by coming here to SR that I am not compelled to do anything until I am ready to.
if I catch another lie I will be out of the relationship. I expect to catch another one in a day or two. I can't do this much longer. The breaking point is about to be reached
Perhaps part of you sharing here is to look at what others have done? You know she is going to lie again (she will if she's still active) and you plan to end it right there. If so, why are you here and what is it that you would like to hear from us?
This forum is for 'you' and to support you in your struggle living with an alcoholic. I can share my experience with you, but it's up to you to decide what you want.
You are not alone, we are here.
up and out
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 185
Alcoholics lie. Even when there is nothing to lie about they will find something. I'm not saying that you absolutely cannot trust anything they say but when your whole life is a lie then really there's nothing else to do but deceive.
Don't take it personally, alcoholics lie mostly to get what they want. Weather or not she is intending to hurt you is not the issue. It all depends on what YOU are willing to take. She's only going to get help when she's ready. You will leave when you are ready. But no matter what you do, stand behind what you say. Stick to your guns because if you slide once (saying you're gonna leave then you don't) they will never take you seriously.
Oh, and remember.....nothing YOU say or do will make her quit. She's gotta come to that conclusion on her own. Hugs to you. Stay strong.
Don't take it personally, alcoholics lie mostly to get what they want. Weather or not she is intending to hurt you is not the issue. It all depends on what YOU are willing to take. She's only going to get help when she's ready. You will leave when you are ready. But no matter what you do, stand behind what you say. Stick to your guns because if you slide once (saying you're gonna leave then you don't) they will never take you seriously.
Oh, and remember.....nothing YOU say or do will make her quit. She's gotta come to that conclusion on her own. Hugs to you. Stay strong.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
I think you have every right to be upset and unwilling to live with a liar. You only have to have one mate on this earth, you shouldn't be settling for any less than someone capable and willing to meet you as an equal partner. I think you are bien more than reasonable.
People too often mention alcohol first and lying second. I would mention lying first and alcohol added to it. Two negatives and no postives makes for a bad life partner. It's OK to simply make this unacceptable. Sorry does nothing to unplant the seeds of doubt.
People too often mention alcohol first and lying second. I would mention lying first and alcohol added to it. Two negatives and no postives makes for a bad life partner. It's OK to simply make this unacceptable. Sorry does nothing to unplant the seeds of doubt.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 157
Lies...yes that is a tough one. You can't trust anything they say. Than they get on a high horse when caught in a lie. They throw a hissy fit to take the focus off the lie and something else. So strange...but becoming so clear.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Midwest
Posts: 112
Lies, lies, lies
I think the lying is the absolute worst part of being with an alcoholic. I am convinced my boyfriend doesn't even know when he's lying. And you would think the lying would stop when they stop drinking, but old habits die hard. And some of the lies are so ridiculous and pointless...
Example: me: where did you get those shorts? him: at the Council for the Blind Thrift Store (ok, random??? like he's ever been in there!). Later, I find out he got them at Wal Mart. I just don't get it......
To me though, what's a hundred times more crazy than the lying, are the ridiculous things we codies are willing to believe!!!
Example: me: where did you get those shorts? him: at the Council for the Blind Thrift Store (ok, random??? like he's ever been in there!). Later, I find out he got them at Wal Mart. I just don't get it......
To me though, what's a hundred times more crazy than the lying, are the ridiculous things we codies are willing to believe!!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by QU31
Later, I find out he got them at Wal Mart. I just don't get it......
I resemble that remark 
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 82
Asking, I know how you feel. I have busted my AW so many times in lies it isnt even funny.
I have turned from getting upset about it to being fascinated by it. Why do they feel that they have to lie about so many things? stupid little stuff that there wouldnt be any reason for me to get upset about.
I have turned from getting upset about it to being fascinated by it. Why do they feel that they have to lie about so many things? stupid little stuff that there wouldnt be any reason for me to get upset about.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Nowhere TX
Posts: 60
"To me though, what's a hundred times more crazy than the lying, are the ridiculous things we codies are willing to believe!!!"--If that isn't the truth QU31. Brought a smile to my face that one did, rather sad though truth be known.
Lying. I finally gave up wondering 'why'. It doesn't matter anymore--the why my XAH always lied or what he lied about. He just lied. But Lord I remember how angry I could become over catching him at lies, big, little. Important about bills or work to stupid immaterial things like food/clothing, didn't matter he could lie about it. And then I felt justified in getting angry at him. Thank God it's all over--at least from my stand point. Chaos free is a wonderous place to be for me.
Looking back, some are even humorous now. Granted it really isn't, but I figure if I can find humor in some of the past now, then I'm a heck of a lot better off than where I was even a year ago.
Lying. I finally gave up wondering 'why'. It doesn't matter anymore--the why my XAH always lied or what he lied about. He just lied. But Lord I remember how angry I could become over catching him at lies, big, little. Important about bills or work to stupid immaterial things like food/clothing, didn't matter he could lie about it. And then I felt justified in getting angry at him. Thank God it's all over--at least from my stand point. Chaos free is a wonderous place to be for me.
Looking back, some are even humorous now. Granted it really isn't, but I figure if I can find humor in some of the past now, then I'm a heck of a lot better off than where I was even a year ago.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
