frustration with my sister--LONG
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: phoenix arizona
Posts: 741
frustration with my sister--LONG
It is much easier for me to detach and move on from my exabf, but dealing with my sister is so much more difficult for me. She's been clean from meth for over 4 years, but now she's friends again with a few people from the past. I'm seeing tons of red flags. She's 28, but emotionally probably still in her late teens.
My dad left on Monday with a friend for a 2 day golf trip. He really needed a break from my sister and taking care of my niece. Anyway, my sister has been doing whatever she wants and letting a couple of old friends stay over at my parents' house, where she lives with my niece. My dad knows about this because he called and she told him. Then she tells me dad said it was ok. She's so defensive about anything and really evasive if you ask her anything. Her self-esteem is low and she'll help everyone who needs something to make herself feel better instead of being there for her daughter and being respectful to my dad.
She's been the taxi for these friends and taking my niece all around town while she's been off for 2 days. When my dad is here, she comes in at all hours of the night sometimes not until the next morning. So I'm concerned about my niece being out all night.
I was supposed to go over there tonight and stay the night to babysit my niece tomorrow until my dad gets home. My sister irritated me so much on the phone today, so I decided I will go over there early in the morning before she leaves for work. My dad asked me to do this, and I didn't mind. He thought my sister was going to be off, but got her schedule mixed up or he wouldn't have gone away.
If my niece wasn't involved, it would be much easier to let go. I'm taking care of myself even more so these past few days and I have 2 meetings to go to tomorrow and Thursday. I keep repeating the Serenity Prayer and saying a prayer that my sister is not headed down the same path again. I wish I could have a relationship with my sister, but it's been strained since we were growing up. I feel like her parent and my niece's while mine are away.
I hope I'm doing the right thing by not going over there tonight. I don't even know if she's there and I don't want to be worried about her coming in whenever she does. I also don't want to look at her the wrong way and have her start a fight.
Not sure what I need right now. Just angry and needed to type.
My dad left on Monday with a friend for a 2 day golf trip. He really needed a break from my sister and taking care of my niece. Anyway, my sister has been doing whatever she wants and letting a couple of old friends stay over at my parents' house, where she lives with my niece. My dad knows about this because he called and she told him. Then she tells me dad said it was ok. She's so defensive about anything and really evasive if you ask her anything. Her self-esteem is low and she'll help everyone who needs something to make herself feel better instead of being there for her daughter and being respectful to my dad.
She's been the taxi for these friends and taking my niece all around town while she's been off for 2 days. When my dad is here, she comes in at all hours of the night sometimes not until the next morning. So I'm concerned about my niece being out all night.
I was supposed to go over there tonight and stay the night to babysit my niece tomorrow until my dad gets home. My sister irritated me so much on the phone today, so I decided I will go over there early in the morning before she leaves for work. My dad asked me to do this, and I didn't mind. He thought my sister was going to be off, but got her schedule mixed up or he wouldn't have gone away.
If my niece wasn't involved, it would be much easier to let go. I'm taking care of myself even more so these past few days and I have 2 meetings to go to tomorrow and Thursday. I keep repeating the Serenity Prayer and saying a prayer that my sister is not headed down the same path again. I wish I could have a relationship with my sister, but it's been strained since we were growing up. I feel like her parent and my niece's while mine are away.
I hope I'm doing the right thing by not going over there tonight. I don't even know if she's there and I don't want to be worried about her coming in whenever she does. I also don't want to look at her the wrong way and have her start a fight.
Not sure what I need right now. Just angry and needed to type.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
I can understand your frustration. Your dad obviously enables your sister in many ways to accomodate his grandchild. It is so difficult to watch how she lives her life. But that is her life. Give up the dream that she will be someone different or that your relationship will be that of close sisters, as she is not caplable. Sometimes just accepting "what is " helps us get serenity.
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
OK I have been through this and it tormented me to the point I got sick. Obviously she has it made, living with dad and a regular babysitter and doing what she pleases. The child comes first and you and your dad are helping her to be an addict. Sorry will be blunt because I went through exactly the same thing with my sister. We looked after her children, cleaned the house, run the errands, all for the sake of the kids.
Your dad has to ask her to leave and keep the child. Tell her exactly that - you or your dad will look after the child or you will report her. That she can find somewhere else to live if this is the life she wants. Her child has to be looked after properly and protected.
I went through hell and back with my sister. She was drinking day and night and the two children were not being looked after. We went there one day and packed up the kids and their belongings. They now fortunately live with their dad and are so much happier. My sister put on the biggest tissy fit you could imagine. The who do you think you are's and your not taking my kids anywhere performance. I told her I didint care what she wanted, the kids came first. She didnt talk to me for weeks, cos I was the biggest b...ch on earth. I knew I had done the right thing so it didnt matter to me. Now she still mourns the loss of the kids and is still drinking today, so the kids would have put up with it longer and she wouldnt be any closer to not drinking either.
At the end of the day you have to put the child and father first. Dad is actually helping her addiction and behaviour so talk to him about this.
Good Luck
Your dad has to ask her to leave and keep the child. Tell her exactly that - you or your dad will look after the child or you will report her. That she can find somewhere else to live if this is the life she wants. Her child has to be looked after properly and protected.
I went through hell and back with my sister. She was drinking day and night and the two children were not being looked after. We went there one day and packed up the kids and their belongings. They now fortunately live with their dad and are so much happier. My sister put on the biggest tissy fit you could imagine. The who do you think you are's and your not taking my kids anywhere performance. I told her I didint care what she wanted, the kids came first. She didnt talk to me for weeks, cos I was the biggest b...ch on earth. I knew I had done the right thing so it didnt matter to me. Now she still mourns the loss of the kids and is still drinking today, so the kids would have put up with it longer and she wouldnt be any closer to not drinking either.
At the end of the day you have to put the child and father first. Dad is actually helping her addiction and behaviour so talk to him about this.
Good Luck
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: phoenix arizona
Posts: 741
Unfortunately, Dad is well aware of what he is doing. He says he'll deal with it.
Guess that means I shouldn't concern myself with her.
My sister does have it made with no consequence for anything, yet. That's the part that irritates me.
Guess that means I shouldn't concern myself with her.
My sister does have it made with no consequence for anything, yet. That's the part that irritates me.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by aztchr 
Unfortunately, Dad is well aware of what he is doing. He says he'll deal with it.
Guess that means I shouldn't concern myself with her.
My sister does have it made with no consequence for anything, yet. That's the part that irritates me.
Guess that means I shouldn't concern myself with her.
My sister does have it made with no consequence for anything, yet. That's the part that irritates me.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,031
The principles I practice in the programs of AA and CoDA as part of my recovery apply to everyone, not just my ex and fellows in my recovery. It's much harder to practice detachment and no contact when it's a close friend or family member, but recently it's become a survival tool for me. Serenity only comes if I'm willing to do the work and stand my ground.
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
When your dad says he is dealing with it, he probably means he is trying to cope with it. Unfortunately though he is making matters worse, especially for the child and her. he is trying to be the rescuer and from great experience this never works. She has to have consequences and she has to know that the child comes before her otherwise she will continue to do this because she knows she can.
I know you have to look after yourself but try and get dad to go to AA meetings or family meetings to help him. Then , he may see what he is really doing here. At the moment (and I dont know how old the child is, young by the sounds of it) the child does know whats going on and there will be consequences for dad and her to pay for later. The trouble is that we think because they are young they are coping and dont know any better but I can assure you that even you know that when you become an adult the memories come flooding back.
Print some of these posts here out and give to him to read. Just a suggestion.
I know you have to look after yourself but try and get dad to go to AA meetings or family meetings to help him. Then , he may see what he is really doing here. At the moment (and I dont know how old the child is, young by the sounds of it) the child does know whats going on and there will be consequences for dad and her to pay for later. The trouble is that we think because they are young they are coping and dont know any better but I can assure you that even you know that when you become an adult the memories come flooding back.
Print some of these posts here out and give to him to read. Just a suggestion.
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