Where to start..

Old 05-17-2003, 11:57 AM
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Where to start..

I've been lurking a bit and am finally posting. I guess I'm just at my wit's end. I just don't know what to do anymore. I live with two men. The sober man is perfect, the drunk man is everything I loathe in a human being. The question I cannot answer is why do I stay? Why can't I bring myself to leave when I know full well that he will destroy me? I've always been a very happy, independent woman. Never in my life have I felt helpless until now. It is litterally killing me watching the most brilliant man I've ever known die a little more everyday. It's painful to watch our daughter worship him, knowing that someday he'll inflict lifelong emotional wounds. He's incredibly verbally abusive when he's drinking. It doesn't bother me so much when he goes at me, it's the nature of the disease, but he's destroyed many friendships he's had, due to what comes out of his mouth when he's drinking. How will I protect her? How do I protect my 11 year old son who he seeks out to belittle when he's drunk? I know the answer, I need to leave, but I stay. And I hate myself more and more everyday of staying. I suppose it's that small glimmer of hope (which dims more each and every day) that he will wake up and decide his family and his life is more important than the bottle.

Anyway, I'll stop rambling now. Time to fix another pot of coffee and try and work through my insanity.
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Old 05-17-2003, 12:21 PM
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Hello Justfedup.

Welcome to the recovery forum!

People have lots of reasons for staying. For some, the advantages of the relationship outweigh the problems. It's hard to see the dividing line, but it's a call that only you can make. I hope you will seek out an alanon group in your area. It helps to see that there are others going through the exact same thing and to hear their experience, strength and hope. It sounds like you are very close to your limit due to the effect he's already having on your children. I know some of the other moms will be along to tell you about their experiences. Since you can't be sure he will change, the only thing you can do is change the situation yourself.

Keep posting.
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Smoke
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Old 05-17-2003, 12:34 PM
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Justfedup

I want to welcome you too, and although I don't have many answers, I echo what Smoke said, and add that protecting your children may mean moving them out of this environment.

But you don't have to decide or do anything today. Take a read around, get your balance, and take a deep breathe. You are among friends here, and it is a wonderful place to share our problems and support each other in our recovery.

Glad you came and I hope you will stick around for a while.
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Old 05-17-2003, 01:01 PM
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Welcome Justfedup!

I've got my coffee now too! I work nights so it comes in handy.

I am so glad you found us. This is a great place and there are alot of super people here. Don't ever hate yourself for staying. It is what you need to do for YOU that counts! Read the sticky posts at the top of the boards. They have a wealth of information and help a great deal. I know it is difficult to decide what to do because of the children. If you can attend a Alanon meeting it would help you so much. Take the time to heal yourself and then you will have the strength to do what is best for you and your kids.

prayers and hugs,
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Old 05-17-2003, 01:20 PM
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Thanks for responding. I'll be sticking around. I just wish I knew how to make him stop drinking. I fully realize I have no control and can't make him stop. It just really p!sses me off. I go from angry, to sad, to just plain numb over and over again. All in a matter of a few minutes. And it just goes on and on and on.

Last night when he was loaded, I was dead set on leaving this morning and bunking up at my mom and dad's until I figured out what to do. I'm still here. Why? I have no effin idea. I'm walking around like a zombie, just picking up the house, and doing laundry. Woo Hoo, big fun for a Saturday.

He's laying on the couch "recovering", probably preparing for another go round of drinking tomorrow. What's got me stewing is that he hasn't even offered up an apology for being such an idiot last night. He probably doesn't even remember. He has the luxury of not having to deal with him when he drinks. I've come to the realization that the only thing that matters to him is the bottle.

And yes I realize I'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself and being angry and resentful over something I have no control over, but I just feel like being that way for a moment or two. I suppose I'm just trying to sort it all out.
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Old 05-17-2003, 01:32 PM
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Hi Just Fed Up,

And welcome to the board. I had similar feelings about my ex when he and I were still living together. I hated the "Jekyll/Hyde" thing and I really hated what his drinking did to my kids. It was hard when we first split up, because I had to get used to being on my own. But I can tell you in all honesty that my life is much better without him in it on a daily basis. Even when he is sober and healthy, there are things about him that just wear me out.
Sorry you are going through such a hard time right now. I will say a prayer for you and your family. I'm sure in time you will find your own way to deal with your situation. This forum is a great place for advice and support. Stick around.
Peace,
Gabe
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Old 05-17-2003, 02:56 PM
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The thing is, our lives are highly intertwined. We both work for the same company, doing the same thing. Which we both enjoy. I love going to work every morning because that's 9 hours in the day that I get the sober husband. It's a double edged sword. What happens when his drinking starts bleeding into work? What happens when they all figure out, our perfect little world is far from perfect? Everyone says an alcoholic has to hit "rock bottom". Well I don't want to be pulled under so he can hit his rock bottom.
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Old 05-17-2003, 03:36 PM
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Hi again Justfedup.

That rock bottom thing doesn't happen with every alcoholic. It didn't with my Dad. He drank more or less the same amount as long as I knew him, kept his business running and his family supported. I know people talk a lot about the progressive disease of alcoholism, but alcoholics are individuals. You don't have to conjure up a future disaster to have plenty to think about. Your life is difficult now. You just have to decide if the status quo is acceptable. But you don't have to do it today. And if you decide it's acceptable today, it's okay to decide it isn't next week, or next month. Sometimes we suggest to people that they begin devising an escape plan. That's simply putting the wheels in motion so that IF you decide at some future time that you want to conduct your life separately for awhile, you can. It means having a place to go and having funds to take care of yourself and your kids. It sounds like you may already have that worked out with your folks. That's great. There's nothing worse than feeling trapped.

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Old 05-17-2003, 04:21 PM
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Thanks everyone. I really do appreciate all the comments. I guess I'm lucky that I do have family in the area, as well a numerous friends. They must be psychic, because my phone has been ringing off the hook this evening, everyone just calling to say hello and see if I was up for doing anything. Most have no clue of the extent of his problem. I guess I put on a pretty good "happy face". His family is also very supportive. I spent several hours on the phone with his mom and step dad last night. They were down this past weekend and realized the extent of his problem. They brought it up to me in the morning, so it's not like I went running off crying to them or anything. I just kinda laid it out to them when they asked.

I just want him healthy. He's 34 years old and has high blood pressure which is caused by his excessive drinking. It goes back to normal when he sobers up for a few days. I hate going to sleep every night wondering if this is the night he's finally going to drink too much and I'm going to wake up to a dead husband.
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Old 05-17-2003, 04:29 PM
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You know, I guess I want more than for him to be healthy! A lot more! I want our life back. I could have my own life. I make enough money to support myself and my kids with no help from him. I'm not afraid to be alone. I definitely don't NEED a man. I guess I still just hold onto that perfect life we have when he's not liquored up. I don't know, so much to sort out. Do I stick around and hope for the best, or leave? Decisions decisions.
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Old 05-17-2003, 04:58 PM
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Just wanted to say hello, and to let you know that you ar not alone. I have a very similar situation to yours except that we don't have any children.

I can fully relate to your feeling like a zombie, just bearly surviving, and that's when I came here. Everyone one here feels similar feelings, because we have all been through it.

In my case it is the angry, annoying feelings that give me the strength to be my own person. You can't make him stop drinking. It is a hard thing and I can fully relate to the no appologies....I 've never got any either.

but i have learned that we put expectations on them and when they fail to live up to them we get upset and hurt... so we learn not to expect anything, except from ourselves.

Be strong.....Know that you have all the support in the world here!!!


Sending you a big hug

Steph
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Old 05-17-2003, 05:25 PM
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What's really rubbing me the wrong way, is that he's walking around in a huff and being really p!ssy, like I did something wrong! Grrrr. Resisting urge to punch him! I imagine he's probably stewing because his mom and dad called me last night. Who knows, who cares? He can bite me! ;-)

I think my mood is improving, cranky is much better than sad. LOL
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Old 05-17-2003, 06:13 PM
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((((((((HUGS)))))))))) Lots of them!!!!!

I know what you are going through right now. The father of my oldest children(10 and 11) was and still is an alcoholic and now drug user. I stayed in that relationship for 7 years. Lots of abuse and angry words all of the time. I don't remember when I hurt as bad as I did then. Everyone kept asking me why I stayed and I didn't have an answer or at least a good enough one. I kept telling myself that I was going to leave him but I always stayed hoping that things would change. They didn't and oneday out of the clear blue sky I left. I was in California with 2 small kids and my family was in NC. No money, no nothing except a few clothes and car seats we got on a Greyhound and came back to NC. I had to start over and I was scared to death. I got a job and got on my feet. I was the happiest person in the world because I didn't have to live like I was living any longer. He still to this day hasn't changed a bit. I left him in 1995. The only thing I can tell you is that you know about how much you can take and you are the only one who can decide to stay or leave. You will know when you've had enough.

Take care and keep posting.....

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Old 05-17-2003, 06:50 PM
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I just want you to know that I understand how you're feeling and I'm thinking of you. My husband and I separated three months ago. It was the most difficult decision I've ever made, but it's the only option I have to getting myself healthy.

I have no regrets about this decision. I was spending too much time trying to "fix" him and that made ME sicker by the minute. Even now....he's been sober for over 90 days, attending AA regualrly, has a sponsor and has joined a bible study group......and I still don't trust him. Too many years of alcoholic incidents.....many of these I have stuffed deep inside me for years. I have built a tolerance for living with this insanity.

I still get moments when I want to "cave," take him back and work on our relationship while we individually work on ourselves. But I know that if I do that, I'll allow myself to get sucked back into my role as co-dependent and lose the respect for myself that I have gained during the last three months.

I see a Christian counselor, who has also validated our separation.

Please take care of yourself and your children. Focus on getting healthy. A couple of excellent books are "Co-Dependent No More" and "Setting Boundaries." They have really helped me.

Thoughts and prayers go out to you....

S
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