MTBChick

Ok so the past couple of weeks in therapy my therapist has mentioned/suggested that maybe I should contact my ex-abf and ask him to have coffee so that I could ask him all the questions I have and get some closure. I have been reluctant to do so until today. For what reasons I don't know but I'm sure it wasn't my HP's I contacted him asking him to meet me at the local trail to go mountain bike. He didn't show but I had a good ride anyway. So, just a minute ago I checked my email and I had a reply from him which just said "I didn't get your email until know. Hope you had a good ride" then he signed it regards. I've been moved to the formal salutations...guess thats what I get for having loved him for 5 years and for standing by his side all those times.

aztchr

So...you were expecting what?
When my expectations were high, that's when I was disappointed.

MTBChick

Your right... I did have high expectations... the first that he would show and the second that if he didn't he would have said can we go another time.

MTBChick

I'm so F'ing stupid..... I really hate myself right now his response just validates what I already think of myself.

denny57

Is your xabf still drinking? My therapist would not suggest trying to get closure with someone still under the influence. Has she made any suggestions that don't include him?

((()))

hbb

I don't think you should be so hard on yourself, i would have done the EXACT same thing as you did and i'm not sure how to seek closure either. We have big hearts. (((())))

prodigal

You might have made a small mistake, but you're certainly not stupid for giving it a shot. After all, you had your therapist advising you to contact him to get some closure. Yeah, we all have expectations that they'll have a modicum of finesse. Nope, no way, nada. As my cousin frequently says, "He has NO couth."

We stand by them, take care of them, clean up their messes, and they blow us off like dust. Been there, done that. Closure with an A? I dunno ... I've never known anyone to get it with an active A.

Red flag moment for me: HIS response validates what YOU think of yourself? I don't consider that stupid, per se, but it's not particularly smart. You don't need anyone else to give you validation; that you owe yourself. Take it from a mega-codie who looked to everyone and anyone for validation from the time I was a little kid - looking to others for it was when I got really hurt and disappointed.

I don't think you're stupid for seeking therapy and working on your issues. You may have gotten shot down, but consider the source. You are worthy of someone better than that guy.

WantsOut

I think closure is a myth. Life's not that neat.

Eh, if this is the most hurful thing that ever happens to you, you'll be blessed Thank goodness you wised up now and didn't waste 25 years.

aztchr

You took a risk! Please try to be gentle with yourself!

mallowcup

I think you got bumb advice from the therapist. The closure already exists and the questions are answered. I think you want to hear what you want to hear or you won't see that closure.
It's up to you to sum it up and chalk it up, close it on your terms.
You had a relationship for five years with someone who feels all the questions are answered. Nit picking throught the specifics isn't closure, it's opening a closed door back up again. Most people who end a relationship don't walk away from it feeling this teriffic sense of closure and understanding. It just ends and at some point your dignity enters into it. Did your therapist give a reason for suggesting this contact? I don't get that at all.

MTBChick

OK...just to be clear with everyone he is not an active A. He is in AA and working on his program. I did get another email from him which he said that he was/is more than willing to talk with me and offer his amends. And we did end up talking. What my therapist was getting at with me is I'm a rather intuitive person. When speaking with someone and being around different people I quite readily know what is going on, what is going to happen and so forth. Working with my therapist I have been trying all different types of things to get past this wondering stage I've been stuck in. Quiet honestly I think it actually has helped. I also did it b/c both he and I are very very very into mountain biking and the fact is there are not a whole lot of mountain bike trails in the area where he and I live. I wanted to be at peace with him. It would be unfair of me and not in line with what my HP would want me to act to continue to be an obstacle to the larger biking community here to him. Not intentionally but currently he goes out of his way to ride at crazy times when no one would be riding so as to respect my previous wishes to never have to see him again. Sure maybe its a justified consquence for him and his past actions but just deep down morally its not fair for me to make him feel like he can't just go out and ride whenever he wants. So now I feel more at peace and I can leave it alone and leave it to we both go about our own buisness and if my HP or his HP wish for our paths to cross then I'm sure I'll see him out on the trails sometime/day and if the HP doesn't then I'm sure and very confident that we will continue to not cross paths out on the mountain bike trails. Being that there are not very many trails you would have thought we would have alreay crossed paths...The HP knew something needed to click with me before that could ever happen and that I could go away with being OK if I saw him.

WhatAboutME

I personally don't think I could ever get closure from my AH. There is no satifactory answer/explanation for what he has done to me/himself due to his drinking, other than he is sick. Don't be so hard on yourself!

minnie

I got my "closure" when I realised that I wasn't going to get the answers to my questions directly from his mouth. I had to look at how they were being answered in other ways, including his actions (and lack of them.)

I actually had the same experience when my previous relationship, although addiction was not a factor. Perhaps it always takes some time for our brains to make sense of what has happened and that the ripple affect with addiction is just that much stronger?

cagefree

Tough place to be in MTB...

Just like Whataboutme and minnie said it - I'll never get closure from him. Even after my XABF "got serious" about his recovery, my intuition tells me, he was lying and drinking...I mean come on, out of the 50 restaurants or friend's houses in the area with TV's he chose Chili's as the game-watching place of choice? All the TVs are in the bar!

For me - no way I can get closure from him - no way I can trust anything he says. My gut feelings tell me so - and I'm paying close attention from now on.

Anything that man said, says, or will say...doesn't matter to me. I give myself the validation I need to move on. My intuition can stop the "what if's" and "why's" that I'll never get from him as a sober man or activer drinker.

MTBChick

I agree with alot of what everyone has said. My "gut" "intuition" has been talking to me all night and still now....I'm left with a stomach that churns when I think of everything especially when I say I know he hasn't changed. Its my body's way of reinforcing what my heart and mind already know to be true. Just this one conversation with him made me feel ick.

Minne you are spot on with what you said about getting your answers by looking at how the questions were answered including actions or lack of. I honestly did think that with sobriety and "working a program" that when I talked to him I would notice a change or difference in him. I didn't see that. Talking to him and listening to the explanations was no different from the million other times back when we were dating that he would try to explain his behavior. Sure he said he was sorry and that his behavior was selfish but I just didn't feel it from him if you know what I mean. I don't know I'm meeting with my therapist today so hopefully that will help. UGh...I'm now going back in my head thinking well maybe he has changed maybe he just wanted to keep the conversation strictly to the amends and to not deviate from that? I had just figured there would have been more words from him or excitment in his voice that speaks of someone who has really found recovery...you know like the way Taz posts are. Am I going nuts or is my intuition spot on that he hasn't changed?

lovemypup

Is there ever really closure? No, I dont think so. One day you think you finally have closure and the next day your back into thinking the same things you were thinking before you thought you had closure. Its a vicious circle.
The only thing you can do is take one day at a time until finally the memories get further and farther between. Finally you can go a day without thinking about them and then a couple days. It takes alot of time to heal. The only thing that works is time.

Live

I must be the rare bird here....I did re-establish contact with him, (after 2 years) but I was in a good relationship and was not looking for anything from him. Actually my motive at the time was mean. I had just heard that his gf tried to shoot him.
As a result, and he is still drinking, we do talk and with the boundaries of respect.
We both had amends to make and we have done so.
Closure...that happened naturally with time. We don't rehash our old stuff.
But we chat as friends and hubby and I have even visited and he has visited us...tho' we live states apart. 1000 miles or more.
But, the big difference here is that the emotional entanglement is over. His drinking has no effect on me, the drama he has in his life has nothing to do with me.
We have our own lives.
We talk as friends and will until the day he dies from the heart failure he is now dying of due to his alcoholism.

But, as you still have reactions and react to each other I would advise along with the others to leave it be.

minnie

I'd say go with your gut. Our intuition is trained to recognise incongruncies.

The other thing I would suggest is to look out how you define "recovery". I have made some great friends whose recovery I hugely admire and wish to emulate. I also recognise that there are other people who are certainly in recovery yet their way of living and interacting with others is not for me. (I don't differentiate between drinking and non-drinking recovery, btw, as far as outcomes are concerned. I was as focussed on other people as a drunk is on alcohol.) It is only my business in so far as how much time I choose to spend around them.

As for closure, I found that I was seeking answers to all the "why" questions. The more I answered the "Why did I.....?" questions, the less I needed answers from him. Also, I figured out his answers would be pretty much along the lines "That's who I am", "It's what I've always done", "Because you let me" and "Because I can't trust that there is a better way to deal with what's going on in my head".

minnie

Live makes a great point too. I alluded earlier to having the same need for closure with an ex who had none of the issues of my most recent ex. I still had very similar questions when we split. We didn't discuss them then and now never will. However, it's amazing how much has settled within me about that relationship whilst I have been working my recovery. I didn't even know that I still had questions, tbh, but I do know now that I have my answers.

mallowcup

I think it's a whole differnt thing when a year or two go by and our questions are more curiosities. I think going back still having an expectation is not taking your own recovery int he right direction. Recovery is learning to go on without expectations from them, not having the answers we think we need. Going to them, looking for something, anything, implies a vulnerability.