At your mercy,,,,
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
At your mercy,,,,
~gulp~ ok, so I'm just gonna spit it out,,let me have it,,,
I haven't seen or "talked" to my A in 3 months. Until sat. I picked up the phone when he called. Call it Karma, call it intuition, call it a sixth sense, call it nuts but I did. I "felt" he was desperate
I was right
I'll spare you the details, but MAN was he on a bender,,, And abusive as usual.
The good news is, I ended to "conversation" quickly and got my arse to 2 MEETINGS this weekend. One in my pj's I'll have you know
Figured if I put em on, I wouldn't have to go,,,But the codieism was SO BAD, I bolted out the door. Hey I looked cute. The name of my island was splayed across my butt in my pajama bottoms,,,he,he,he
Anyway, of course i "invited' the flood of voicemails and emails just ansering the phone once,,more of the same QUACKING and drinking
This morning he is "deperate". I've been flying all day. During each trip of the journey, there were a barrage of voicemails saying he had to do something, he's at his "bottom" and he needed help. Oh and mentioned he didn't drink yesterday,but instead invited a recovering A friend of hiw over to "talk adn throw around a football" Ummmmmmmm,,ok, hope you didn't risk HIS sobriety with YOUR vodka,,,
Anyway, bottom line, he says he's "checking himself in" again. Third time this year if its true. But he can't do it till Friday, as he has vaca time he can take and the detox is 5 days. With the holiday, and vaca, he'll be back to work next Thursday
Now i do know his job is in jeoporady BECAUSE of the three time this year
He's also at his "bottom" as far as losing everyhting he owns. He's now walking to work and yup he admitted it, called another A all weekend to get him to the liquor store. What a freakin mess. But HIS not MINE right?!?!?
So, why do I want to know if he actuallly DOES go in for detox on Friday?
Like I said, let me have it,,,I'm in the middle of the country with no meetings.
Peace
I haven't seen or "talked" to my A in 3 months. Until sat. I picked up the phone when he called. Call it Karma, call it intuition, call it a sixth sense, call it nuts but I did. I "felt" he was desperate
I was right
I'll spare you the details, but MAN was he on a bender,,, And abusive as usual.
The good news is, I ended to "conversation" quickly and got my arse to 2 MEETINGS this weekend. One in my pj's I'll have you know
Figured if I put em on, I wouldn't have to go,,,But the codieism was SO BAD, I bolted out the door. Hey I looked cute. The name of my island was splayed across my butt in my pajama bottoms,,,he,he,heAnyway, of course i "invited' the flood of voicemails and emails just ansering the phone once,,more of the same QUACKING and drinking
This morning he is "deperate". I've been flying all day. During each trip of the journey, there were a barrage of voicemails saying he had to do something, he's at his "bottom" and he needed help. Oh and mentioned he didn't drink yesterday,but instead invited a recovering A friend of hiw over to "talk adn throw around a football" Ummmmmmmm,,ok, hope you didn't risk HIS sobriety with YOUR vodka,,,
Anyway, bottom line, he says he's "checking himself in" again. Third time this year if its true. But he can't do it till Friday, as he has vaca time he can take and the detox is 5 days. With the holiday, and vaca, he'll be back to work next Thursday
Now i do know his job is in jeoporady BECAUSE of the three time this year
He's also at his "bottom" as far as losing everyhting he owns. He's now walking to work and yup he admitted it, called another A all weekend to get him to the liquor store. What a freakin mess. But HIS not MINE right?!?!?
So, why do I want to know if he actuallly DOES go in for detox on Friday?
Like I said, let me have it,,,I'm in the middle of the country with no meetings.
Peace
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
What difference does it make? It is HIS problem to solve, not yours, he created it, he owns it.
You had a little blip on the radar screen, that's it. Get back on tract, for you.
No Contact, when you hear his voice, hit the delete button. Don't do this to yourself, makes no logical sense.
You had a little blip on the radar screen, that's it. Get back on tract, for you.
No Contact, when you hear his voice, hit the delete button. Don't do this to yourself, makes no logical sense.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Out on a MTB trail somewhere
Posts: 202
Don't feel bad... I emailed my ex-abf today asking him to meet me at a local trail to ride. I haven't talked to him face to face or by phone in over a year...and I haven't had any contact with him by email since November when I asked him to stay away from MORC and that it was too soon for him to be trying to make an amends to me. By the way he didn't show so either didn't get email or just didn't want to show.
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Ok,
Ain’t no fool like an old fool.
Why would you call in the 1st place.
Wait, let me guess, you like feeling like crap, yeah that must it.
So, I ask, how’s that working for you?
Ain’t no fool like an old fool.
Why would you call in the 1st place.
Wait, let me guess, you like feeling like crap, yeah that must it.
So, I ask, how’s that working for you?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
Both barrells Mr C,,,go ahead, I can take it,,,,!!!!!!!
Have I told you I love you lately,,,
But I want to KNOW!!!!!!
Oh brother, MTB, what are you DOING?!?!?!?
What am I DOING?!?!?!?
Your right Dolly Do,,makes no SENSE
You know, I could FEEL it kickng in,,,
"Ok, A, you want MY advice"
"You CHOOSE to drink"
"How far down you gonna go?"
I QUACK freakin MORE than he does,,,
So, I should just let it go?
tell me how
Peace
Have I told you I love you lately,,,
But I want to KNOW!!!!!!
Oh brother, MTB, what are you DOING?!?!?!?
What am I DOING?!?!?!?
Your right Dolly Do,,makes no SENSE
You know, I could FEEL it kickng in,,,
"Ok, A, you want MY advice"
"You CHOOSE to drink"
"How far down you gonna go?"
I QUACK freakin MORE than he does,,,
So, I should just let it go?
tell me how
Peace
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Out on a MTB trail somewhere
Posts: 202
CE my ex-abf isn't still drinking to my knowledge as far as I know he is in AA and will have been sober 1 year the end of this week. Part of me felt it was time for me to make my amends to him and get closure.
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Hell,
Run far , far, far away.
You should be so happy your not part of this low life drama anymore.
Or do you watch COPS on a Saturday night and ask yourself, hey I wonder if that toothless drunk is single?
With Love & Kisses.
Mr. C
Run far , far, far away.
You should be so happy your not part of this low life drama anymore.
Or do you watch COPS on a Saturday night and ask yourself, hey I wonder if that toothless drunk is single?
With Love & Kisses.
Mr. C
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
Or do you watch COPS on a Saturday night and ask yourself, hey I wonder if that toothless drunk is single?
I'm all set with the toothless drunk however. I like my drunks with teeth
Can't I beleive one more time, he could actually DO this?
Ok, ok,
nothing changes if nothing changes
its not about him, its about me
he's didn't cause my codependancy, he can't control it, and he can't cure it
Yes, the one consolation is, I've removed myself from his "low life" Been feelin a bit "holier than thou" about that
I realized today, I need to find my humility and humbleness again
I ain't all that and still very, very vulnerable
So, i got to find the spirits here in Birmingham, Dallas is next, Atlanta, and oh my, the cess pool of sin, NY this week
Feeling homesick,,geographically AND emotionally
MTB, now that intrigues me. Maybe its cause I'm not at that "step" yet, but rather still at the "I didn't do anything wrong stage" How long did it take YOU to feel you need to make amends? I understand the concept, I know I should be sorry for "enabling" him, but truth be told. I simply don't yet. Who knows if I will.
Peace
PS, No offense to the NY Yankee fans out there,,its the Red Sox in me that made me say that,,,
Last edited by CE Girl; 06-25-2007 at 06:25 PM.
full of hope
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Originally Posted by CE Girl 
nothing changes if nothing changes
I realized tonight if I answer the phone or read his texts then that keeps the cycle going and NOTHING HAS CHANGED!
So, you'll do the right thing when you are really ready for change. When you desire it more than anything else! Until then, you do what you've got to do. Just do me one favor...don't watch COPS!!
Mr. C, you are too funny!
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
I believe that a key part of recovery, 12 Step orientated or not, is about making amends. It is done formally through the Steps, yet I have had experience of it outwith them, and believe it is a natural by-product of getting healthy.
As such, I decided a long time ago that until a person has shown remorse and made (non-manipulative) amends, it was not safe for them to be in my life. Great yardstick for knowing if they are truly on the path of recovery.
I've mentioned before about the analogy of a screaming toddler - give into one after an hour and all you have achieved is to teach them to scream for an hour before they get what they want. Next time, you'll get a minimum of an hour's tantrum. Or, another way to look at it is in terms of smoking (or drinking, actually.) It is smoking the cigarette that creates the physical craving for the next one. The longer without the cig, the more the craving dissipates. I see this kind of contact in the same way, for both parties.
As such, I decided a long time ago that until a person has shown remorse and made (non-manipulative) amends, it was not safe for them to be in my life. Great yardstick for knowing if they are truly on the path of recovery.
I've mentioned before about the analogy of a screaming toddler - give into one after an hour and all you have achieved is to teach them to scream for an hour before they get what they want. Next time, you'll get a minimum of an hour's tantrum. Or, another way to look at it is in terms of smoking (or drinking, actually.) It is smoking the cigarette that creates the physical craving for the next one. The longer without the cig, the more the craving dissipates. I see this kind of contact in the same way, for both parties.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
You had no contact for 3 months. Was that time worse than being with him or was it just long enough to forget the drama? It is a slippery slope. You want to know if he goes to detox because you obviously care about him and still have hope that he will get sober and be a better man
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
I'll say to again, no contact doesn't mean we stop caring.
Actively having no contact with someone is hard, It is not doing nothing, it is not, not caring.
The more important thing is how it effected or didn't effect you this time. He was drinking and your world didn't stop spinning, you aren't in a heap.
You still care what happens to him but his drinking is somewhat coincidental to you.
I think you took the call because you can see it all from a safe distance now. You can let the phone ring or you can pick it up whenever you want. That's the real message and measure here.
Actively having no contact with someone is hard, It is not doing nothing, it is not, not caring.
The more important thing is how it effected or didn't effect you this time. He was drinking and your world didn't stop spinning, you aren't in a heap.
You still care what happens to him but his drinking is somewhat coincidental to you.
I think you took the call because you can see it all from a safe distance now. You can let the phone ring or you can pick it up whenever you want. That's the real message and measure here.
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Join Date: May 2007
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Posts: 665
A new day,,,
And I see it in a new light,,,Thanks to my "spirits" a meeting, and my very good friends at SR,,,
I've "felt" it but think now I can put it onto words.
There is a "change" that has occured in me, and its called freedom
To choose my "involvement". That is new and I beleive one of the "levels" of my recovery.
Before I began the process, and yes it IS a process, of detachment, I felt out of control and consumed. The world revolved around my A. The boundary's put in place are only in MY control to break. He can no longer cross them unless I CHOOSE to allow it.
I'm the one that keeps testing them. Almost like trying to make sure they'll hold.
Mostly they do, but once the test is in motion, they become weaker and easier to break.
Its really not unlike picking up the first drink.
And you know what? I feel bad this morning, becuase I know, it only confuses him. And that's not fair to him or me. Its a no win.
As Minnie says, now I got to put up with the tantrums. However, I have the TOOLS to outlast the hour. I just gotta reach into the toolbox.
The "theme" on my run this morning was "self examintation" Get naked and figure out what in my life draws me to the drama. I know its definatly stress and pressure. When things are going well for me, its much easier. When I have to face life on lifes terms, I slip and fall.
Is it because it makes me feel as bad as things are for me, there not as bad as they are for him?
That is feeding off anothers misery and takes the focus off the REAL reasons I can't face and cope with things going on in MY life.
An epiphany.
I'm gonna be chewing on that all day,,,
Oh, and I don't watch cops,,lol.
Peace
And I see it in a new light,,,Thanks to my "spirits" a meeting, and my very good friends at SR,,,
I've "felt" it but think now I can put it onto words.
There is a "change" that has occured in me, and its called freedom
To choose my "involvement". That is new and I beleive one of the "levels" of my recovery.
Before I began the process, and yes it IS a process, of detachment, I felt out of control and consumed. The world revolved around my A. The boundary's put in place are only in MY control to break. He can no longer cross them unless I CHOOSE to allow it.
I'm the one that keeps testing them. Almost like trying to make sure they'll hold.
Mostly they do, but once the test is in motion, they become weaker and easier to break.
Its really not unlike picking up the first drink.
And you know what? I feel bad this morning, becuase I know, it only confuses him. And that's not fair to him or me. Its a no win.
As Minnie says, now I got to put up with the tantrums. However, I have the TOOLS to outlast the hour. I just gotta reach into the toolbox.
The "theme" on my run this morning was "self examintation" Get naked and figure out what in my life draws me to the drama. I know its definatly stress and pressure. When things are going well for me, its much easier. When I have to face life on lifes terms, I slip and fall.
Is it because it makes me feel as bad as things are for me, there not as bad as they are for him?
That is feeding off anothers misery and takes the focus off the REAL reasons I can't face and cope with things going on in MY life.
An epiphany.
I'm gonna be chewing on that all day,,,
Oh, and I don't watch cops,,lol.
Peace
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by CE Girl
I know its definatly stress and pressure. When things are going well for me, its much easier. When I have to face life on lifes terms, I slip and fall.
L
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
Yup, something in me that left me ending up with an addict,,,Thanks HockeyMom. I don't beleive we've met, but I read some of your early posts and all I ca say is WOW.
You do give hope
However, it brings up the question. I beleive the "million dollar"question most of us "newbies" want to know.
How do you "balance" the hope with detachment?
I'm so confused. While active, I can't be around my A. Can't talk to him, see him or even read mail from him. I can't seperate his disease from taking it personally. I just about resign myself to ending it, and BLAM I see a story like yours and wonder if I'm not "strong" enough to see it through?
Then I see others who a year, two years, later and there still "stuck" in the "dance"
Most of it revolves around the "reason" I wound up with him to begin with
He was/is a distractions from facing some REAL issues in MY life.
I feel like the little girl who can't have the the pop and I'm STOMPING MY FEET,,,
Can you tell I'm havig a tough time?!?!?!?
Peace
You do give hope
However, it brings up the question. I beleive the "million dollar"question most of us "newbies" want to know.
How do you "balance" the hope with detachment?
I'm so confused. While active, I can't be around my A. Can't talk to him, see him or even read mail from him. I can't seperate his disease from taking it personally. I just about resign myself to ending it, and BLAM I see a story like yours and wonder if I'm not "strong" enough to see it through?
Then I see others who a year, two years, later and there still "stuck" in the "dance"
Most of it revolves around the "reason" I wound up with him to begin with
He was/is a distractions from facing some REAL issues in MY life.
I feel like the little girl who can't have the the pop and I'm STOMPING MY FEET,,,
Can you tell I'm havig a tough time?!?!?!?
Peace
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
I have hope that anyone who wants it will be free from dysfunction in their life time.
However, is in their hands, not mine.
Is that what you mean?
As for an individual, I found this reading to be a cornerstone of my recovery
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html
However, is in their hands, not mine.
Is that what you mean?
As for an individual, I found this reading to be a cornerstone of my recovery
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
Thank you Minnie,,,didn't want to use the button, this one called for a personal virtual (((((((()))))))))
I needed to read that
And it's EXCATLY what I mean.
But of course, I have questions, but I already know the answers I think:
!. Will the ones who stay on the cliff, miss the others so much, they'll take the chance to cross the bridge?
It is out of our hands. And if we keep asking the question, we run the risk of going back to the cliff to ask them
2. Is it ok to find comfort in the fact you can hollar back and forth to each other?
AS long as it doesn't stop you from the progress. Yes its a warm and happy place, but being an injun, I'm gonna wanna explore and see what that side has to offer. Who knows, maybe grey wolves, or the promise of a rainbow
3. I know that I shouldn't feel guilty or ashamed, but is it ok if I feel pain?
Of course, that's why the spirits provide sun glasses at the begining of the bridge. So you can where them as your crossing to hide the tears. Because you are mourning those that are lost on that cliff.
I'm feeling the pain. But I'm still standing on the threshold of that bridge
Peace and (pain)
I needed to read that
And it's EXCATLY what I mean.
But of course, I have questions, but I already know the answers I think:
!. Will the ones who stay on the cliff, miss the others so much, they'll take the chance to cross the bridge?
It is out of our hands. And if we keep asking the question, we run the risk of going back to the cliff to ask them
2. Is it ok to find comfort in the fact you can hollar back and forth to each other?
AS long as it doesn't stop you from the progress. Yes its a warm and happy place, but being an injun, I'm gonna wanna explore and see what that side has to offer. Who knows, maybe grey wolves, or the promise of a rainbow
3. I know that I shouldn't feel guilty or ashamed, but is it ok if I feel pain?
Of course, that's why the spirits provide sun glasses at the begining of the bridge. So you can where them as your crossing to hide the tears. Because you are mourning those that are lost on that cliff.
I'm feeling the pain. But I'm still standing on the threshold of that bridge
Peace and (pain)
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Pain is ok if I see through it.
See through the hurt and turmoil.
See the root.
When I feel pain I ask myself.
What is this making me feel? I Use any word but pain, bc pain is derived from another emotion.
Ok, Im feeling pain bc Im sad.
Or Im feeling pain bc Im disappointed.
What am I sad about, what am I disappointed about etc.
Thats part of playing it all our or playing the tape all the way through, as its sometimes called.
If I keep asking myself questions about that pain, I usually find out why I want to cross the bridge or why I dont.
Sometimes, its too hard to keep asking the questions, so I stop for a day or so. I dont decide to cross the bridge or not to. I just wait to resume the digging until I fel up to it.
No decision, is ok. Its acceptable for me. I would rather make no decision than an unhealthy one.
See through the hurt and turmoil.
See the root.
When I feel pain I ask myself.
What is this making me feel? I Use any word but pain, bc pain is derived from another emotion.
Ok, Im feeling pain bc Im sad.
Or Im feeling pain bc Im disappointed.
What am I sad about, what am I disappointed about etc.
Thats part of playing it all our or playing the tape all the way through, as its sometimes called.
If I keep asking myself questions about that pain, I usually find out why I want to cross the bridge or why I dont.
Sometimes, its too hard to keep asking the questions, so I stop for a day or so. I dont decide to cross the bridge or not to. I just wait to resume the digging until I fel up to it.
No decision, is ok. Its acceptable for me. I would rather make no decision than an unhealthy one.
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