This pain is unbearable will it go away?

Old 06-25-2007, 12:44 PM
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This pain is unbearable will it go away?

My husband is the love of my life,my best friend,he is my world.Today after 2 years of trying to get him off oc's and snorting coke,he confessed to using crack.He cried ,begged,yelled,did everything to get money off me to get crack.I am so lost.I would never in a million years thought this would happen.Now he is out there somewhere with my car and our last 30 dollars.I just want him home.Does it ever get easier? Will this ever stop? How can I help him?
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Old 06-25-2007, 12:55 PM
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Welcome to SR debpug, Im happy you found us...

Does it ever stop or get easier??? Yes it can get easier and you can find some peace in the middle of all this but unfortunately you have to work at it. When the addiction was at that point for my ex I had to take action for myself or get sucked down with my A. I was going crazy ... just as crazy as he was.

I started attending Al-anon, reading everything I could on addiction, open AA meetings, theraphy and here at SR.... I learned to detach with love from my A and the tools to set some serious boundries and stick to them. My ex and I did not make it but the last I heard about him he was sober.

I look forward to getting to know you... stick around, keep posting and reading. You dont have to go through this alone hon.
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Old 06-25-2007, 12:58 PM
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Welcome to SR. I'm glad you've found us. Read the stickies at the top of this forum; they offer a wealth of information.

To answer your questions (and mind you, these are my opinions only):

1. He's out with the last bit of $$ you have, driving around to score dope. No, it doesn't get easier when this is the scenario of your life with him. It can get better if he gets into a program for his addictions. It can get better if you get counseling for yourself and work a program.

2. Will this ever stop? Only if he wants it to. I think you've found out you cannot make him quit. He has to want that for himself.

3. How can I help him? Don't give him money to buy drugs. Don't enable him. Don't give into his begging. Set boundaries and hold firm to them. Right now he's spiraling down into hell and taking you with him. We often have to step aside, get out of their way, and let them hit bottom. That allows them the choice, as an adult, to reach a point where they'll seek help.

You don't mention if you have children or if you have a job. Is he currently employed?
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Old 06-25-2007, 01:02 PM
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((debpug))

This may sound crazy but the only way to help him is to get help for yourself. Attending meetings, reading recovery literature, posting here on SR and reaching out for help for others who have walked this same path can help you learn what is best for you in this situation.

I'm glad you have taken the first step to post and reach out for help. I know how scary it can be - I have several alcoholics/addicts in my life but I have learned thru Al-Anon and other recovery support tools to take care of me and let them walk their own path.

Don't give up before the miracles happen in You - You deserve them.

Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita
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Old 06-25-2007, 01:58 PM
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Katie bar the door on your joint finances, protect anything of value,. Help yourself so that you don't go down with the ship. Be strong and firm with your boundaries.
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Old 06-25-2007, 03:15 PM
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Welcome,

Believe it or not, this will get worse before it will get better. He is on a downward spiral.

Enabling him is not the answer. Let him beg for money, but, don't give it to him. Hide or lock up anything of value that he can pawn or trade for drugs...this includes hiding your car keys, before he trades it, or lets a pusher use it to make a drug run.

He must fall to his knees before he can stand back up, he must want recovery more than anything else in the world. There is nothing you can do to "save" him, it is totally up to him.

Help yourself, go to meetings, read everything you can about addiction, knowledge is power, and most important protect yourself, crack is a nasty, nasty drug anything can happen.

Keep posting, we are here for you.
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Old 06-25-2007, 03:35 PM
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Thank you all.I just can't believe this is our life now.He was such a great guy. Yes we have kids,our youngest is 11 ,he is a type one diabetic ,he has to have 7 shots a day.When we first found out ,my husband lost himself to drugs.Since then there is not one day he is sober.He had his own buisness but lost it 2 months ago.He took mortgages out on our house and I am trying to keep up on it. He has gotten violent the last few weeks.Do they ever want help,or ever want to stop using.
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Old 06-25-2007, 05:55 PM
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Nice to meet you debbug,,,welcome to SR

Bells and whistles went off for me in your last post,,,

He has gotten violent the last few weeks.
PROTECT YOURSELF and YOUR CHILDREN!!!!!!!

Sorry, for "yellin", I'm a peace loving hippie, NO ONE deerves to be hit, or verbally/mentally abused

I don't have young chilldren with my A, but I can tell you, if I did, they would not be exposed to him

When my husband of 23 years died, I still had a 10 year old at home. Two yeas later, I met a man who i though was everything I ever wanted. We moved in together. He turned out to be abusive. Physically and emotionally. As long as my daughter wasn't being affected, I figured I could take it. Go figure "codieism" back even then. My, I was the good little martyr.

I didn't realize it affected her even when it didn't affect her. Know what I mean?

She started having BIG trouble in school. Smoking pot and drinking. She was 13, I passed it off as "teenage" rebellion. Too caught up in my own disease to SEE what watching him abuse me, and me allowing it, was doing to her

One day, he tried it with my daughter,,,,not physically, but emotionally, not that it matters.

I kicked his arse to the curb. Gave him 1/2 hour to get out, or I would call the police and report him for child abuse

What woke me up?

What kind of "lessons" I wanted to teach my daughter

I did it ALONE. She is now 24, and not only finished high school but college and is a successful photographer. Getting married in 2008.

ME? welll, I'm here. Got involved with my A 2 years ago.

I guess I forgot to recover the first time

This time, I'm ALL about recovery and ME. Is it easy? Hell no. But I do what I got to do, cause fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice same on me.

For me, alanon, SR, family and friends support and the search for a good sponsor is what's helping. I'm learning its all about ME!!!

Stick around, read, read, read, and post, post post,,,we ALL have a "common thread"

Peace
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Old 06-25-2007, 08:44 PM
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Okay, debpug, this is where I cut to the chase and dispense with polite trivialities. Get yourself down to the courthouse and get a restraining order. I know, I know - you're scared, you love him and don't want to hurt him back, he may end up in jail, he may retaliate, etc., etc. He's getting VIOLENT. I am a former battered spouse. Once it starts, they don't turn it off like a switch. He's not going to stop as long as you stand there being a human punching bag or watching him put his fist through walls or listening to him go into irrational rages. You're the captive audience he needs in order to act out his sickness.

Because the abuse has been recent, you have a good chance of having a judge order your husband out of the house, and there is the possibility the court will order he get into a recovery program. That is my take on it, based on my own experience from tolerating repeated beatings. I FINALLY went to court. The abuse stopped. I never went back. I never regretted it.

However, this is NOT my life - this is your's. You have to make a very difficult decision. I made mine at 11 pm on a Sunday night with nowhere to go. But I got my stuff together in less than 1/2 hour while he was trying to beat the crap outta me and I got a restraining order. I had to make my survival number one and to heck with my exAH.

Do they ever want help? Again, just my own experience, but NO - not as long as they don't want to get help. If we get out of their way and let them hit bottom, there's a good shot they'll clean up their act. I'm sorry for being so blunt here, but I tolerated violent behavior for a lot of years, and I saw how the bully in my life crumpled like a house of cards when two police cruisers pulled up in our driveway to escort him out of our house.
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Old 06-25-2007, 09:08 PM
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((Prodigal)) I'm so glad you were able to get out and stay safe! Thank you for being here and posting your experience! It must be difficult!

((Debpug)) Please help yourself and your kids stay safe!! You are most important right now.
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