daisyjen

My AH has been sober for almost 6 months. We have been married for 15 yrs and have 3 sons. I begged, pleaded, threatened, blah, blah blah, all of our married life and a little prior to that too. In January, I was absolutely ready to end the marriage. He almost instantly turned his life around, although some of the A characteristics remain. We are still in the same house and have been living as normally as possible. My question is, as a Christian, am I wrong to still want to end the marriage? I have sooo much resentment and anger built up and I don't know that I even want to try to work it out. Is that wrong to feel that way after the A does what you always wanted??? I have been seeing a counselor myself and we have an appt with a marriage counselor Monday night - his doing. I pleaded with him earlier in the marriage to seek counseling with me but he refused... now that HES ready, i should be??? I do love him, but I don't feel like I am in love any longer. Or will that come back, if I give it time?

Spiritual Seeker

Him getting sober doesn't erase the build up of the last 15 yrs. You probably would go on to soar away from him. However, your kids must all still be minors so the decision gets complicated. Best wishes as you make the hard choices.

dollydo

I really don't know if you will ever fall back in love with him, sometimes the hurt just runs too deep, forgiveness is there, but, the ability to forget is not.

With that said, it is possible to live with someone you no longer love, I did it with my ex-hubby, it was difficult, but doable...until he cheated on me...then all bets were off, after 19 years, I divorced him.

Each of us has to make our own decisions.

Take care of you and your children that must be your priorty.

Taking5

Are you going to Al-anon?

Cynay

Wow what a struggle.... My heart goes out to you... I too would suggest Al-anon hon.

Can you fall back in love.... I strongly believe the answer is yes. But there has to be a will for it on both sides... holding back nothing and giving it your all. It also takes time... his actions over time is the only thing that will help you to heal and forgive ... to come to that place where you can trust again and I dont blame you that the emotions are not there after only 6 months....

The question is ... putting everything else aside... what do you want? and how hard are you willing to work for it.... regardless if you choose your marriage or choose to leave him... each decision is going to be huge and you are going to have to work really hard at both of them.... just for different reasons is all hon.

Pencil Pusher

Please note that i have thought about so many of these things, and how they relate to my life, and I am simply reflecting on my own thoughts about them. I do not judge you, your feelings or your decisions for any of them.
These struggles are ones with no right or wrong answer. He did not take you seriously when you wanted him to sober up for all those years, now that you were about to leave, he straightens up his act immediately. At least this shows that he cares and wants to make the effort, which is more than many of us can say for our XAAH's. Does that mean you should just be able to let go of everything you've been carrying forever, NO! We all know forgiveness is not for the one who should be seeking forgiveness, but for the one who does the forgiving. When you do it, you will be lighter, happier. I understand the want to punish him for all his stuff, but that only hinders your energy, time, and creativity. (My pastor just spoke on this today!) Holding him accountable and demanding admittance is totally reasonable, I think.
I also believe that you can fall in love with him again. You chose him, and you made vows 15 years ago. There must be something there. Perhaps him changing up the game changes your response to him. Maybe as codies, we thrive on the constant conflict and want the drama. What if we move on, because we just feel done, then just seek out some other person who needs us to "keep them in check" in whatever capacity they need.
I don't know, it is all very difficult, I wish it were black and white for both our sakes, I have really been struggling with some of these questions of when something is neither right ot wrong, I can't always find the right answer. I wish there were a test we could put these issues to to determine which is the right or wrong answer.

Again, I am just pondering my own reflections on all these things, I know there is no right or wrong sometimes- I'm right there with you!

prodigal

This is just my opinion, but I believe love is oftentimes a choice and not a feeling. It's a choice to love what we find unlovable; salvage what we believe to be unsalvageable; to relent when we have been dealing with relentless insanity for far too long.

I know what you mean when it comes to wanting to throw in the towel. You swallowed a lot for many years. Naturally, you're angry after stuffing down that emotion for so long. Maybe counseling just for yourself to vent all the anger and frustration that has built up for so long would help. AH and I tried marriage counseling and I exploded like Mt. Saint Helen's several times. He just sat there passively and said to the counselor, "See what I mean ... why does she DO that?" ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!! So much for my foray into joint marriage counseling!

However, I have continued with counseling for myself and it's helped me get an understanding and handle on a ton of rage. As far as whether you stay or go, you will have to look within yourself to make that decision. When, and if, you feel ready to leave, you'll leave.

Nuudawn

Gosh Daisyjen..that's a barnful of stuff there. Your feelings should never been construed as "wrong". They are your feelings... they simply exist and are not up for judgement. You are the only one who knows what's going on in you. And I agree with Prodigal...Love is a choice...not a feeling cuz feelings come and go constantly...there are seasons of love.... and I'm thinking your in a winter. You have every right to seek right now. Although you spent years trying to get your hubby to quit....it was familiar. I'm guessing much has changed and nothing is familiar any longer. That can be a very scary place. And where there is fear...love is elusive.

daisyjen

Thank you all for your responses. Here's an update. Last night, we were supposed to go to a new bible study on forgiveness. Though I thought it too soon, our friends were pushing this on us and I thought it couldnt hurt. Anyway, he decides earlier to take the boys to a swimming hole that we call the Drunken Hole (lotsa drinking, half naked women etc). I refused to go, but our sons like it because they can play football in the water, jump off a rope into the water, swim...He's mad that I wont go and also mad that I refused him sex before he went. Anyway, they came home just before we had to leave for the class, but he says he isnt going. (He's still mad that I didnt go and also mad because he got a ticket for parking on the grass.) Eventually, he shows up to the class and the only comment he makes is that I have horns coming out of my head! I slept on the couch and this morning, he says he is done and is putting up the house for sale this afternoon - a threat he makes often. He says he is cancelling the counselor appt tonite too. sigh!!!

denny57

The great news is your thinking is on track! When I finally listened to ME, not everyone around me, life got better.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Al-Anon and working the steps really helped me with resentment.