OT: Need to Vent
 

So I just got home from a group mountain bike ride.... and all I can say is that I am bordering between screaming with frustration and bawling my eyes out. I feel like I am some sort of social failure.... I go to these rides and I try making conversation with people, you know asking them how they are, what's new in there lives, how works is going, and then asking questions about bike related stuff. I get freaking no where!! I get quick responses and then they quickly race off to talk with someone else in the group. Its the same way after the rides when we are all sitting around in the parking lot relaxing and munching on cookies or chips before heading home. Then various ppl in the group start conversing with eachother and making there social plans for the weekend (typically a bunch go and do stuff together outside of biking). Or I hear them talking about the ride they went on together the day before and that kind of stuff. They talk about all there adventures out right in front of me and I'll ask oh who all went and it turns out to be almost all of the ppl that I have been riding with and have done stuff socially with on occasions went but no one thought to call me. In fact none of the ppl I ride with at the standard group rides call me. I feel so alone and I feel like its me. Ever since the relationship ended with the A in my life I feel like I'm a defect. I don't act sad or down when I'm out on the rides I'm upbeat and happy b/c I truly love mountain biking and it is something that brings me such immense joy its hard to be down when I'm out in nature doing what I love. I just wish I knew what it is I'm doing so I could change. I go away not wanting to go on group rides anymore and to just go and ride solo. I miss the my social network of friends that I had when I lived in Baltimore. I just haven't been able to find the same type of group of ppl who I click with. There has to be something wrong with me.

Stick with it. I think often times when we're alone we can project other peoples actions/words as something other than what they are. Try to focus your energy outwards (I know it's hard) and just be open to all the possibilities that are out there.

I hope things get better. It's hard to make new friends, but when you find the right ones, which you will, it will be worth it.

I have been living here for four years now.... with the mountain biking group I've known all those people for over a year now. Either its me or this MN nice thing is a fraud.

It is difficult to break into establish cliques. Maybe you can ask them to call you the next time they go on a group ride. Share that you're new to the area and would appreciate it. Sometimes we have to make the 1st move and not just wait.

Are you friends with anyone in the group? How did you find it? If you do feel comfortable with at least one person there, perhaps you could ask him or her. If not, how about picking that one person and saying something like, hey next time you're doing ____________ I'd love to be included. I know it can be scary.

Something else I've learned through experience is the more I think something is wrong with me the more I project that. Good luck and don't give up!

I've done that. I'm part of a big mountain biking group called MORC (minnesota off road cyclists) I do trailwork every week and there are standard group rides every Monday and Thursday night where anyone from MORC is welcome to show up and ride. The other rides that happen tend to be smaller and on a invite only. I call people I have there numbers and I ask if they want to go ride and such...I prety much get turned down at least by all the other female riders. I have also spoken up and have said hey give me a call the next time you guys all decide to get together to ride I have also said hey I don't get to get out much but would love to give me a call if you guys decide to do x,y,or z or give me a call the next time you guys are going out. What happens no phone calls. What happens when I text them or call them....they say I already have plans...but yet don't invite me even when its with all the other mountain bike people. Four years of this blows.

I should add I was a member of MORC before most of the people who joined who give me the cold sholder were...

i've felt like that sometimes too. i've found that even when i don't think i'm acting nervous or self-conscious, i really am. i think people are attracted to those who are confident... and i've found myself many times feeling like i'm acting nervous... or just NOT confident. that's changed and i've put myself out there more and acted less shy, and i've made a lot of new friends because of it. just a thought! :)

Mostly my grip is with the other women bikers. I don't really have such a problem with any of the guys they are always friendly to me and I have great conversations with them. Prety much all of them are married or have gf's so they don't really get together with others from the group outside of the standard group rides. Its the women and the few single guys that flock around them that drive me up a freaking wall.

Is there someone else in this MORC who is an outsider/loner that you could suggest ride with you outside of the organized times. Do you find that in other situations like work peers, neighbors, etc. that you get the cold shoulder?

Not that I have met no. As for other aspects of my life....I have a number of friends who are in AA (I'm in Al-Anon). Work I just started working again and unfortunately my job is more of an independent one so I'm not in an office with co-workers to interact with. While I was student teaching the teachers I was with were way older than me. Most married with kids and family life...so there weekends were busy with family things and evenings with taking kids to different things. All of your sugestions are great and I have tried most of them. I talk to my therapist about this too... I'm pretty much just venting.

You know what....if they act like that they don't sound like folks I would want as friends!

That's strange. Mountain Biking was my AA for years. (It didn't work, BTW). There was a definite fellowship, and a common love of things mechanical and of nature, and (of course) going really really fast.

It IS a testosterone driven sport for the most part, and some of the cliques you really have to "prove" yourself to get accepted. Even though showing up on a routine basis, volunteering to help maintain trails, and trying to go fast usually suffices.

If you think Mountain Biking is bad, go find a Criterium after work with the "roadies". The rumors are true, they're snobs. Fast snobs, but snobs.

Maybe they don't want the competition for the single guys?

I go through the same thing everywhere I go all my life long. It sucks. but sometimes it's not what you're doing or not doing; sometimes they really are stuck up bitches. Some groups are just very cliquey. We're not the only ones who have issues, after all!

I think you've done all you can to let them know you want to be more included than you have been. Maybe you can bring someone else along with you on these group rides? Sounds like the group dynamic is changing, if you were there first and then these other people came along. I've had that happen too, I was once on a frisbee team that was a lot of fun even for a non athletic marginally socialized outcast like me; then the manager moved away and her replacement was a total bitch who only wanted certain people on her team and no one else was welcome anymore.

If you watch groups of people from the outside you can see who's connecting and who isn't. There's some people who just cannot connect with others and I know I'm one of them. Maybe you are too. I can't pin down what it is but it's like we're in a parallel universe that's a half step off of the other one everyone else is in. I've been job hunting for a year now and I'm finding that it's the ultimate, high-stakes popularity contest. None of my qualifications or skills seem to count for anything. They just plain don't like ME for some reason. I get lots of interviews, but no offers.

Sometimes it's acting too aloof, and sometimes it's acting not aloof enough, and too desperate or pushy or clingy. And sometimes it's the other people who have the problem.

I am from MN and I have hear a lot of people say that Minnesotans can be sort of clicky with their own groups. I guess I personally don't notice, but maybe I am just used to it! Anyway, I am sure it is not you that is making the other women stand-offish. It sounds as if it is just that particular group of women. That does sound frustrating though...you keep trying to reach out and you keep getting ignored. Maybe a new member will join who you can hang out with.