a note from my brother
 

His wife recently told us he's an alcoholic. She told us in confidence a couple of weeks ago, then last week told him she told us. His response to an email I sent him today follows. I have my own views but am very curious to see what everyone things of this email...
He's been sober since Saturday and told his wife that since he's got through the withdrawl symptoms he feels fine and just needs to find another way to deal with stress in the future. And since he's gotten through this fine, he's not an alcoholic.

The email:

Thanks for your note. I am sorry for not responding to your earlier
email. That was obviously rude and I didn't mean to offend you. I do
have a lot going on, but that's no excuse.

As for her coming to you, mom, and dad, I'm pretty furious about it.
I won't deny that I drink more than I should, but she is
exaggerating. Our relationship is not going so well and she's pinning
much of it on my drinking habits. She told me for the first time this
weekend that she had talked to mom and dad. If she said what it
sounded like she said, I'm sure you all think I'm passed out half of
every day, not to mention abusive. Which isn't the case. I've been
thinking about how I wanted to deal with this with you all and hadn't
decided yet. I agree with her that I over do it, so I'm not drinking
at the moment. But I'm afraid she's overstated the case.

My A did this,,not with his parents but with others in his life,,

When he went to detox the first time, I was the one who called people. And I was very up front and honest

I found out afterward, that he did some "damage control" when he got out

Told everyone, I didn't like him to drink at ALL and he went to detox to "satisfy" me.

He at the time, was highly "functional" Though i hate that term, cause I didn't think he "functioned" to well, another story, another time.

I'm sorry your in a position where you have to "decipher' the truth. I felt bad for the people my A put in that position too

I refused to "argue" my case, because I knew, the progression of the disease is such, that hidding it wouldn't be an option anymore. Besides half of these people knew he was an alcoholic WAY before he did

My faith and patience proved itself to fuition. Unfortunatly.

He is known as the "town drunk" today,,,

Peace

Normal drinkers don't have problems that arise from their drinking. Normal drinkers don't have withdrawal symptoms when they don't drink for a couple of days. Alcoholism does effect and deteriorate relationships, so is it surprising that someone who admits that they do "over do it"-- has withdrawal symptoms because they didn't drink for 5 days, also has marital problems? No. Do alcoholics often deny their problems and get angry when people stop hiding it for them? Yes. Do alcoholics readily admit they are alcoholics? No.

Sounds like the wife is stepping off the merry-go-round named denial. Hopefully everyone will want to join her. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and a potentially fatal one.

Well, you guys pretty much summed up what I was thinking. I was hoping for better news I guess.

I think he's in denial. I think he's already justifying a way to start drinking again.

Do A's REALLY think they don't have a problem? Or are they lying to keep everyone off of their case? Or does it just depend on the A?

That reminds me of my ex who used to say to me......

I don't have a drinking problem, YOU have a problem with my drinking.

Duh! Talk about denial!

My opinion is that it's both. Sometimes they really think they don't have a problem and other times they are just lying. The importatnt thing is that we don't get caught up and participate in the sickness. Al-anon helped me immensely with that. the better I am the better chance my husband has of treating his disease. Is it possible for you to go to al-anon with your SIL?

from what i've experienced, if there is a problem with drinking, then there is a problem. my xh used to try to smooth things over with a big smoke screen when he thought he thought he was close to being found out.....trouble was, everyone knew anyway.

Deflection. Deflection. Deflection.

Absolute and total denial. Addicts of any kind will do whatever is possible to justify their abuse of substances and keep loved ones worrying at bay so they can continue to abuse it without upsetting the apple cart so to speak in their life.

Admitting to his alcoholism would mean he would have to do something about it. He's not ready to do something about it and unfortunately until he is, no one can help him or convince him.

I keep reposting passion's post because I have found it so invaluable.
I think you may as well.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...hem-sober.html

Well the admission of being an alcoholic does not always lead to an alcoholic thinking he has to quit sadly.

I openly admitted I was an alcoholic for several years, yet even then did not see that my drinking was a problem.

To be honest if alcoholism was not a progressive disease, but had ceilings of different levels of alcoholism and I had simply leveled off 5 or 6 years before I did quit I would probably still be drinking today. The last 5 or 6 years of my drinking were like putting the progression of my disease into overdrive compared to the first 35 years of my drinking.

Very few alcoholics realize they have a problem drinking whether they know they are alcoholics or not until either the problems overcome them or they have a moment of clarity and see that thier drinking is going to overcome them VERY VERY soon.

In simpler words I did not have a problem until I hit my bottom.

The only way for an alcoholic to hit thier bottom is to have the people holding them up to where they can't hit it let them go to where they can!

If we are held up from our bottom to long our bottom will result in permanent health and mental issues and or death.

You want to kill an alcoholic?

Keep helping him and covering his ass!!

He will kill him self!

Thank you for sharing, Taz.

On the flip side, I often say that if AH had leveled off about 7 years ago I would probably still be in the marriage. The last 2 years in particular, with the acting out, sent me to my bottom.

((()))

Sunshine,

I am sorry you and your family are going through this. It was suggested to you to attend al-anon I would also agree and if possible bring mom and dad. It does sound like your brother is in denial and it's sad that there is not much you or your family can do for him right now. I would also suggest you offer his wife as much support as possible. I'm sure it was very hard for her to open up and tell all of you, it must have been building for some time and she needed a release.

WOW, my AH could have written that, exactly. When I confronted his dad, he came back with the same response, DENIAL. And this takes the cake:

The drinking IS the cause of marriage problems, no doubt about it, and for him to question the cause of their problems is DENIAL at it's best.

My AH, king of denial, has been "on the wagon" for 9 days, and we're getting along great. Alcohol IS the problem. I hope your brother comes to that realization. But you and you SIL are right!