Frustrated
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 82
Frustrated
Hey everyone.
Well maybe I just need a shoulder to cry on but I am at a boiling point in dealing with my AW. I have been with her for 20 years and I have pretty much seen and heard it all when it comes to her drinking.
Last year my wife was arrested for disorderly conduct when she was drunk and was placed on probation. This follows a DUI that took place about 3 years ago.
She promised that she would go to meetings, not drink anymore because she didnt want to hurt herself or our family anymore etc.
My frustration is that she just refuses to go to meetings or seek help. No matter how much I ask her to go and as much as I offer my support, reading up on alcoholism, attend AlAnon so I can learn how to help, she keeps drinking using excuses such as "I think I can control this" "Sure I had one or 2 no big deal"
Sorry for my rambling but what do you all think? Should I keep quiet and let her hit rock bottom? should I push harder for meetings? I am just so frustrated because I have been down this road so many times I cant even count.
Well maybe I just need a shoulder to cry on but I am at a boiling point in dealing with my AW. I have been with her for 20 years and I have pretty much seen and heard it all when it comes to her drinking.
Last year my wife was arrested for disorderly conduct when she was drunk and was placed on probation. This follows a DUI that took place about 3 years ago.
She promised that she would go to meetings, not drink anymore because she didnt want to hurt herself or our family anymore etc.
My frustration is that she just refuses to go to meetings or seek help. No matter how much I ask her to go and as much as I offer my support, reading up on alcoholism, attend AlAnon so I can learn how to help, she keeps drinking using excuses such as "I think I can control this" "Sure I had one or 2 no big deal"
Sorry for my rambling but what do you all think? Should I keep quiet and let her hit rock bottom? should I push harder for meetings? I am just so frustrated because I have been down this road so many times I cant even count.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
You mention you attend Al-anon. I hope you're going on a regular basis. I think it could help lower your frustration level a bit. My experience with Al-anon has taught me to understand myself and my role in the alcoholic family dilemma. As far as Al-anon teaching me what I need to learn to help the A in my life .... well, the only help I can offer (if it could actually be considered "help") is to leave my AH to himself. I don't discuss his drinking with him, the consequences of his drinking, the behaviors he exhibits during his drinking, etc. I do have boundaries, and if he goes on a bender, I remove myself from the house, or simply stay clear of him in order to leave him alone with his bottle.
I understand your frustration because you're concerned that you AW is wrecking her life and her health and you can't understand why she won't listen to reason. However, keep in mind you are not dealing with a rational person, you are dealing with an addict. The person getting the migraines and the ulcers and the stress over this situation is you; not her. She's zoned out on Planet Booze-a-thon and is protecting her addiction at the expense of your sanity.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result each time. Maybe it's time to let her hit her bottom and maybe it's time for you to step back and give yourself a break from doing the same thing over and over. Thus far, the result hasn't changed.
I understand your frustration because you're concerned that you AW is wrecking her life and her health and you can't understand why she won't listen to reason. However, keep in mind you are not dealing with a rational person, you are dealing with an addict. The person getting the migraines and the ulcers and the stress over this situation is you; not her. She's zoned out on Planet Booze-a-thon and is protecting her addiction at the expense of your sanity.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result each time. Maybe it's time to let her hit her bottom and maybe it's time for you to step back and give yourself a break from doing the same thing over and over. Thus far, the result hasn't changed.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Sorry I missed your post earlier, sb.
I'd suggest continuing the Al-Anon meetings. For you. I learned all I could about the disease of alcoholism. One of the most important things I've learned to think differently about is the cold hard truth that I cannot make another person change. Sometimes that is best accomplished by changing myself and setting an example.
Keep posting!
I'd suggest continuing the Al-Anon meetings. For you. I learned all I could about the disease of alcoholism. One of the most important things I've learned to think differently about is the cold hard truth that I cannot make another person change. Sometimes that is best accomplished by changing myself and setting an example.
Keep posting!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 82
Hey sorry I sounded so bitter and frustrated the other night. I was just having one of those "fed up" moments.
Yes I am going to the meetings and as a matter of fact I went to one this morning and it was just what the doctor ordered. Afterwards I went and did something I truly enjoy. Just me and my thoughts from the meeting. It was wonderful.
Anyhow, my AW is on a binge again. She was released early from probation and I think the last 4 days have been a way for her to celebrate in the only way she knows how. It started on Wednesday when she got the letter and was for obvious reasons pretty happy.
Well later that night I saw the typical physical signs of her drinking (she thinks that after 20 years I cant tell immediately when she drinks) and to be honest I did the wrong thing and confronted her. Her immediate response is "I am drinking now because I can" and I dont care what you think.
Things continued on Friday when we were invited to a backyard BBQ. She goes to the store to get some stuff we needed to bring and of course a case of beer. I refrained and did not say a word and all she says is "I am free now and I think I can control it" Well like a true codependent I stayed away from a social outing as long as I could and finally made it to the BBQ about 10 pm. There is was in all her glory stumbling around, falling in peoples laps, spilling stuff etc. I behaved myself, didnt say a word, walked her home and put her to bed.
Then comes Saturday. My daughters and I arranged for a birthday party for her and had alot of family and neighbors come by. When I invited everyone I asked them to please not bring any alcohol. Everyone pretty much knows what is going on and didnt bring a thing. Of course my AW had wine and beer stashed in the house and yep before you know it was completed smashed. As soon as everyone figured this out they left pretty quickly.
One thing sticks with me after the party. One former drinking buddy of hers (who no longer drinks because of my AW) came up to me and said "when ever you are ready to help her I will be there as will everyone else."
So my question to everyone is had anyone every gone through an intervention before? and if so have you any tips and suggestions?
Sorry for the long rant I just needed to get this out of my system.
Yes I am going to the meetings and as a matter of fact I went to one this morning and it was just what the doctor ordered. Afterwards I went and did something I truly enjoy. Just me and my thoughts from the meeting. It was wonderful.
Anyhow, my AW is on a binge again. She was released early from probation and I think the last 4 days have been a way for her to celebrate in the only way she knows how. It started on Wednesday when she got the letter and was for obvious reasons pretty happy.
Well later that night I saw the typical physical signs of her drinking (she thinks that after 20 years I cant tell immediately when she drinks) and to be honest I did the wrong thing and confronted her. Her immediate response is "I am drinking now because I can" and I dont care what you think.
Things continued on Friday when we were invited to a backyard BBQ. She goes to the store to get some stuff we needed to bring and of course a case of beer. I refrained and did not say a word and all she says is "I am free now and I think I can control it" Well like a true codependent I stayed away from a social outing as long as I could and finally made it to the BBQ about 10 pm. There is was in all her glory stumbling around, falling in peoples laps, spilling stuff etc. I behaved myself, didnt say a word, walked her home and put her to bed.
Then comes Saturday. My daughters and I arranged for a birthday party for her and had alot of family and neighbors come by. When I invited everyone I asked them to please not bring any alcohol. Everyone pretty much knows what is going on and didnt bring a thing. Of course my AW had wine and beer stashed in the house and yep before you know it was completed smashed. As soon as everyone figured this out they left pretty quickly.
One thing sticks with me after the party. One former drinking buddy of hers (who no longer drinks because of my AW) came up to me and said "when ever you are ready to help her I will be there as will everyone else."
So my question to everyone is had anyone every gone through an intervention before? and if so have you any tips and suggestions?
Sorry for the long rant I just needed to get this out of my system.
let it grow!
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
nice to meet you, sb. we (my husband and i) have "nudged" our daughter into treatment programs. but she always relapses. i believe every day in treatment beats a day of drinking/using. but they really have to want recovery for it to be successful.
blessings, and keep posting - k
blessings, and keep posting - k
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: oh
Posts: 757
hi sb, welcome 
i can tell you you are not alone here. others are in your same situation.
i believe the help needs to be for you, unfortanately, as hard as it is to accept, aw has to help herself if she so wishes. it has been my experience that fighting someone elses alcoholism is a fighting a losing battle that will only leave you drained and empty, hence the serenity prayer. i don't believe we are ever equipt to battle someone elses probelm-only they are.
i do think intervention is a wonderful thing. A&E has a world acclaimed series every friday night at 10:00 called INTERVENTION (check your local listings) for it.
it is really good and will explain the intervention process to you in great detail. i would suggest making some calls to rehab centers and such and talk to them about it.
wishing you the very best!!!
i can tell you you are not alone here. others are in your same situation.i believe the help needs to be for you, unfortanately, as hard as it is to accept, aw has to help herself if she so wishes. it has been my experience that fighting someone elses alcoholism is a fighting a losing battle that will only leave you drained and empty, hence the serenity prayer. i don't believe we are ever equipt to battle someone elses probelm-only they are.
i do think intervention is a wonderful thing. A&E has a world acclaimed series every friday night at 10:00 called INTERVENTION (check your local listings) for it.
it is really good and will explain the intervention process to you in great detail. i would suggest making some calls to rehab centers and such and talk to them about it.
wishing you the very best!!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Anchorage, AK
Posts: 221
Hi, SB, and welcome. I've lived with AH's heavy drinking for eight years and full blown alcoholism for two--that was plenty for me. You must be exhausted. I agree with the above posts, you need to get some help for you. As for your wife and staging and an intervention, personally I don't believe they are effective. You might pursuade a person to enter treatment, but that wouldn't mean anything if that person is not ready for treatment. From what you stated in your post, your wife is clearly not ready. She bluntly told you that she drinks now because she can. She is not ready for recovery. You can't help her no matter how hard you try, but you can help yourself and your kids.
When you went to a BBQ and she got completely drunk and you "walked her home and put her to bed", you enabled her. You are preventing her from feeling the consequences of her actions. If she doesn't understand the damage that alcoholism is creating to HER life, she will not want to change. Why change if everything is taken care of by you and others? So, if you want to help her, stop rescuing her. Living with alcoholism is extremely stressful on one's emotional and physical being, and you need to be strong for your kids. Very best of luck to you, SB!
When you went to a BBQ and she got completely drunk and you "walked her home and put her to bed", you enabled her. You are preventing her from feeling the consequences of her actions. If she doesn't understand the damage that alcoholism is creating to HER life, she will not want to change. Why change if everything is taken care of by you and others? So, if you want to help her, stop rescuing her. Living with alcoholism is extremely stressful on one's emotional and physical being, and you need to be strong for your kids. Very best of luck to you, SB!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: St. Paul, MN
Posts: 16
Hey sb~
I am no expert with respect to interventions, but I pushed my mom, brother, and aunt to stage one for my AF. He went to treatment, and we went through family counseling with him in treatment. It was pretty emotionally draining. He stopped drinking for 1 1/2 years. He has since relapsed mutliple times and has currently "fallen off the wagon" again. He never worked a program of recovery following treatment. He went to AA like 2 or 3 times and never got a sponser, nor did he ever read the literature. He too is drunk at most gatherings and family outings.
In my experience, the intervention acted as a band-aid. However, it did make my family feel better. It allowed us to express our emotions to my AF openly in a safe and sober environment. I also feel like we tried SOMETHING to help him. I no longer feel like pulling my hair out in anger and frustration at my father. I have learned from that experience that it is HIS choice and HIS choice alone to get better. I am powerless against the disease.
I am no expert with respect to interventions, but I pushed my mom, brother, and aunt to stage one for my AF. He went to treatment, and we went through family counseling with him in treatment. It was pretty emotionally draining. He stopped drinking for 1 1/2 years. He has since relapsed mutliple times and has currently "fallen off the wagon" again. He never worked a program of recovery following treatment. He went to AA like 2 or 3 times and never got a sponser, nor did he ever read the literature. He too is drunk at most gatherings and family outings.
In my experience, the intervention acted as a band-aid. However, it did make my family feel better. It allowed us to express our emotions to my AF openly in a safe and sober environment. I also feel like we tried SOMETHING to help him. I no longer feel like pulling my hair out in anger and frustration at my father. I have learned from that experience that it is HIS choice and HIS choice alone to get better. I am powerless against the disease.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
I was good friends with a couple when I lived in Annapolis, and the wife staged an intervention. It was a large group because she came from a family of five kids and her AH was from a family of six kids. So all the siblings, along with their spouses, and the wife's parents and AH's parents were there. They also had a guy who had 30 years sober in AA and a psychologist who was an addictions' specialist facilitate the intervention.
Did it work? Ultimately, no. He went through the motions (I believe to passify them and get them off his back for awhile) by going to AA 90/90 and seeing a counselor. Then he relapsed and basically told his wife and the family that his problem wasn't "that bad" because he held down a really good-paying job. That was back in 1995. When I left Maryland in 2005, as far as I know he was still actively drinking. However, he still had his job. I've known lots of A's in my life and he was the only one I've ever seen who could hold down a steady job and do so well. Of course, not all was well - he had gotten two DUI's.
This is just my opinion, but if my AH got drunk at a picnic I'd leave him to his own devices to figure out how to get home. I don't confront him about his drinking at all. Sometimes I have to bite my tongue until it hurts or I just get in the car and go somewhere, but I refuse to discuss it with him - I'd end up ticked off and frustrated and get no rational answers from him, let alone an admission of being an A, so I leave it alone. I will say something about it, but that will be the day I make my final exit out our front door.
Did it work? Ultimately, no. He went through the motions (I believe to passify them and get them off his back for awhile) by going to AA 90/90 and seeing a counselor. Then he relapsed and basically told his wife and the family that his problem wasn't "that bad" because he held down a really good-paying job. That was back in 1995. When I left Maryland in 2005, as far as I know he was still actively drinking. However, he still had his job. I've known lots of A's in my life and he was the only one I've ever seen who could hold down a steady job and do so well. Of course, not all was well - he had gotten two DUI's.
This is just my opinion, but if my AH got drunk at a picnic I'd leave him to his own devices to figure out how to get home. I don't confront him about his drinking at all. Sometimes I have to bite my tongue until it hurts or I just get in the car and go somewhere, but I refuse to discuss it with him - I'd end up ticked off and frustrated and get no rational answers from him, let alone an admission of being an A, so I leave it alone. I will say something about it, but that will be the day I make my final exit out our front door.
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