13th stepping...
 

What exactly is meant by this? I've read it on here before but don't know what you guys are talking about?? :)

to the best of my knowledge, it's when the alcoholic cheats on/leaves the person they're with for someone they meet through AA or rehab... (i think?!)

Is that the definition

I always took it to mean "hooking up" with anyone you met through the program, not that you are cheating.

13 stepping is when and old timer in the program attaches to a new member of the opposite sex using their vunerability to have a sexual relaionship with them. Usually one or both is married.

I always wondered what this meant too. My sister hasnt even got past the 1st step and I think she has done the 13th step many times.

I also believe it is used as a euphamism for any dating others in the program - especially since by doing so, a person can easily fool themselves into thinking they are working a program - but are instead just using the relationship/sex to distract themselves from working a strong recovery program.

There are predators in any vulnerable group... and newly sober alcoholics are no exceptions.

Also, another addictive behavior is sexual addiction. The program suggests sponsoring men with men and women with women to help protect against this sort of behavior.

After all, at most recovery meetings.... The odds are good. But the goods are odd.

Thanks for clearing that up.

I like that saying! :) Guess its a good thing I broke up with the BF before he started going to meetings again. Given his history he would DEFINITLY be a 13 stepper! Once less thing for me to have to worry about now ;)

"The odds are good. But the goods are odd."
LOL PRICELESS! ---nitelite

This thought has been killing my brain this week. Today i flat out asked my bf in a text if there was someone else and that was why he was avoiding me. Wrote back a ? mark and i asked again "is there someone else that you met that has to do with why you are avoiding or talking to me" his response was that we had already been through this so i wrote back "so no" and he wrote back "right"....not sure what to believe, i thought i would take his word for it instead of reading into it like i ALWAYS do. But the whole avoidance makes no sense and he keeps saying he needs a break.

That is brilliant lol!

I always thought there were 2 definitions of 13th stepping, the first being dating within AA and the second being people with a lot of sober time preying on the vulnerable newbies.
The first is fine but prolly not a good idea before both parties are 12 months sober.
The second definition is not fine and could be very detrimental to the vulnerable one, a lot of people come into AA absolutely broken and for someone to 'use' them for sex borders on plain evil.

hbb, take it from someone who's been there--GIVE HIM HIS BREAK! Quit obssessing about his reasons. There may not be ANY reasons other than he needs to focus on HIMSELF if he wants to remain sober. You can choose to ACCEPT that and wait around for him to return like the loyal little codie (which may or may not happen) or you can decide to keep obssessing over this and drive yourself insane and at the same time drive him away. If you think he's cheating why are you waiting around for validation? Trust me. It WON'T make you feel better or feel validated. It will CRUSH you. If he ISN'T cheating on you then you are making a fool of yourself with the repeated accusations. Ask once if you need to then let it go! I know its hard. I've been where you are. You have a choice: listen to your gut or listen to your boyfriend. If you take a step back and just do what he asked by giving him space the answer will probably make itself clear all on its own.

NO. NO. and NO

One of the first things my sponsor warned me about was 13 STEPPERS.

Huh???

Answer. People who appear to have long time recovery, who use the 12 steps to get into your pants.

Usually, those of us that had sponsors, were steered clear very quickly and our sponsors would take the 13 stepper aside and have "a chat." Also, there are those that are "chronic" 13 steppers.

Hey, it happens in bars, in places of employment, everywhere, why not in AA or NA. It is on the individual.

13 stepping does not necessarily refer to 'cheating.' It refers to someone, 'who should know better,' using the program of recovery for a "new conquest."

Love and hugs,

love it, laurie. that really makes it CLEAR. thanks, k

Thank you Laurie, you made me feel better, I don't want to think along those lines from someone who has NEVER lied to me and why should he start now I tell myself.

Dobiediva, I've decided it starts today, i congratulated him on his 6 months via text this morning, i've decided not to go to that meeting where he is getting his chip and have decided to go to Al Anon instead. I would like to see him get that but he also has kinda left it like i was more than welcome and not that he wanted me to go, so i've taken the hint and won't. He's not being rude or mean and i guess i should just appreciate that and give him his space like so many of you have said.

Good for you hbb! Its only after you make that conscious decision that things start to roll for you. I'm not saying this will be easy. It won't. (I'm struggling too!) but the more you work on yourself the better you will be for those around you (including your BF). If you BOTH get healthy you have a chance at a happy relationship--together or apart. If YOU get healthy you might realize that you don't NEED him even if you still WANT him. ;)

I have a male friend who just marked his 90 days clean in NA this week. We have a long history...we dated for three years back in the late 90s and he has always sworn that he wants to be with me.

During his active addiction, I pretty much ignored him...we spoke by phone sporadically and didn't see each other face-to-face for about four years.

He attempted suicide in mid-March 2007 and I think (hope!) that was his bottom. He was in the hospital for a week and began attending NA meetings, did his 90 in 90, got his old job back (a job for which the company had previously labeled him as "un-hireable) and appears to be doing well.

The catch?

He is having sex with at least three women in the program, one of whom is his ex-girlfriend/using partner who also began attending meetings--to keep her hooks in him, I think--when he started in the program.

He also gets EXTREMELY angry with me when I've confronted him about it. And I can almost guarantee that his sponsor knows nothing about this.

His behavior in doing this reminds me of how just cunning this disease is...he thinks he's working a great program but, IMHO, he's trying to fill that "void" inside himself by substituting physical intimacy for the drugs and alcohol that he's gone without for three months.

Recovering addicts/alcoholics...want to weigh in on this? Is this behavior normal for someone in early recovery? I foresee an eventual relapse if he continues on this path, especially with him hanging out/having sex with his exCH girlfriend.

Sydney, there is also a past i'm dealing with my bf, when i met him he was a year broken up with a fiance after 8 years together, he was beyond rock bottom and as a total friend i talked to him and we started dating, part of the problem i believe is that he has never gotten over her and that's why i cant help but think there is something still there deep down inside. Part of me feels like i masked the rebound factor and that he has feelings because he said he wanted to appologize for all the wrongs he did to her in the past....i trust him but not sure how far, she could say the right thing, and bang he's back and i'm left high and dry and she's a LOSER to boot.

13th stepper or the other name..............predator.

One who preys on vulnerable newcomers.

Earthworm