WantsOut

I just googled "open alanon meeting" and found lots of them. Why were you under the impression that there were none?

Hemmingway's D

Yeah, there's open Al-anon meetings. They're just like the open speaker meetings for AA.

parentrecovers

i guess i always just go to the same handful of alanon groups, and have never been to one where they seem like open aa meetings..interesting,thanks - k

cautious

I think hostility to Al-Anon is a combination of (1) they don't realize that we are talking about OURSELVES and that, in fact, not much about them is being relayed, and (2) we encourage each other to think differently about our situations; hence, the situation that has up to now supported our As' addictions might change and cause difficulty for them.

BTW, I'd never heard of open Al-Anon meetings, either.

DesertEyes

It has been my experience that people who are active in their disease, who are still operating with a brain that expects the whole world to conform to their own expectations, will think that _anybody_ who holds them accountable for their actions is wrong. Doesn't matter if it's al-anon, the judge, the traffic cop, or the doctor who reads them their lab results.

As a recovering alcoholic, when I think of an al-anon I think of the people who loved me when I was unlovable, who had hope for me when I was hopeless, who tolerated me when I stank and who prayed for me when I was too angry to pray for myself. I think that for having a disease, alanoids are sure the kindest, warmest and most loving people in the world.

There's a biker meeting out here in Vegas called "The Misfits". These are serious bikers, not yuppie wanna-be's. Their wives have their own al-anon meet across the hall. One fine day a little old lady in her big giant car came round and couldn't find a place to park. She pulled up outside the row of Harley's and asked one young kid if this was the place where the al-anon meet was held. The young kid made some smart remark about al-anon.

One of the bikers, a fellow called "Clyde" cuz he's as big as a horse, picked up the kid by the scruff and pointed at the parked Harleys. Couple dozen guys moved their bikes to make room for the al-anon to park. Clyde personally escorted the al-anon to her meet, got her a chair and a cup of coffee and introduced her to the ladies.

You see, Clyde's mother is an al-anon.

Last I heard the young kid was still sober, Clyde informed him that Clyde was his new sponsor and he better behave.

The little old lady now has 8 years in al-anon, and I sponsor her husband.

Here in Vegas we don't tolerate disrespect toward our mother's, brothers, sisters, daughters or wives. WantsOut? As a member of AA with 27years of sobriety, as a member of the sponsee lineage of Chuck C, who sponsored Bill Wilson the founder of AA, you have my deepest respect. Any alcoholic who disrespects you in any way is welcome to come to Vegas and have his attitude adjusted. He certainly does not deserve you. The fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous is officially grateful for everything you have done for an alcoholic who should know better. I pray that you don't allow this one diseased individual to spoil your understanding of what Alcoholics Anonymous represents.

Mike K., 27yrs, Las Vegas Surrender to Win group.

harleygirl92156

Hi my name is Darrell and I am an alcoholic.

First I want to thank my lovely wife, harleygirl, for letting me post under her user name.

She shared this post with me this evening and I was really stunned. I can't believe anyone working a good program in AA would say anything negative about Alanon.

I can only say, and say it as often as I can in AA meeting, open meetings, and speaker meetings.........ALANON SAVED MY MARRIAGE, MY LIFE, MY WIFES SANITY AND HELPED US MOVE TO A HEALTY RELATIONSHIP.

If you aren't working the 12 steps how could you possibly understand what the alcoholic in your life is trying to do. Alanon is as necessary as AA when it comes to relationships, that includes husbands and wifes, boyfriends and girlfriends, parents and children, and friends. It is essential and if your spouse it telling you Alanon is not a good thing, he needs to spend more time in treatment because........HE HASN'T GOTTEN IT YET.

God Bless Alanon and the brave souls that attend, it takes more strength to stay with and alcoholic than be one....in my opinion.

WantsOut

Thanks for your posts everyone, especially the recovering alcoholics. I needed to hear from you.

who are still operating with a brain that expects the whole world to conform to their own expectations

DesertEyes, I think you're right on target because another part of his probation is an interlock on his vehicle for three years. While we were driving I mentioned that the breathalizer technology, as annoying as it is for him on a daily basis, is very interesting from a "Mr. Wizard" point of view. He said, "Yeah, it keeps society safe from me," in a sarcastic voice.

Now I'm done arguing with this man over really anything so I didn't bother pointing out the obvious - that he is a menace to society with his lifelong drunk driving and he's BLESSED to have gotten the interlock instead of jail time.

I felt at that moment that he might be clean from booze for the next three years, but it will only be so he doesn't go to jail. As soon as he's free, he's going to drink again. Of course, he could have an epiphany over the next few years and change, it's not fair for me to think I know his future, but at that moment I knew he wasn't really in recovery.

fluffyflea

Hi,

First of all he's trying to manipulate you and lay on a guilt trip because you left by talking about the other wives who haven't left. Just answer "Oh?" and don't get into it with him. He can play that game alone.

And secondly it's very common that A.Aers don't like Alanon because it's a threat to them, they'll lose control of thier wives. My ex was so self-centered he thought the whole fellowship of Alanon was all about him. He used to call me an Alanon b#$ch. That's one of the reasons why he is EX!

Earthworm

SaTiT

Just bunch of wet behind the ears newbies blurring out ..well
just blurring.

well..if you go to alaon meetings how many AA members
do you see ?
a percentage..but usually AA members with years or
decades
do you see AA newbies attending..so how the hell would they know ?

if anything..the oldtimers in the program with family
are very supportive of the families and trying to keep
the family together.

i don't know.. i grew up around alcohol and it effects
everyone of us. We either have children, parents, siblings
that's still in the grasp of alcoholism.

gee whiz i've been attending AA since 1992 and i still
don't have all the answers. and i havn't been cured.

what do you consider to be a newbie ?
A person going to treament that got cured ? with 30 days
or 60 days...
well..i put 60 days together before ever attending AA.
I just kept drinking again after life got a little bit better.
that was nothing new.

cagefree

B
I
N..G..O

and Bingo was his Name...O

When my XABF had just completed 90 in 90 he told me everyone at AA, including him thought Al-anon was the "dark side".

You can attend meetings, but that doesn't mean you're working on your recovery.

embraced2000

my xh tried to convince me that the people that attended aa were just a bunch of drunks. and al-anon was a cult that brainwashed the spouse.

i reckon he was a different class of drunk, eh??? and he didn't want his brainwashing of me to be discovered.

can't help but laugh at it all now. he was quacking for sure.......just like the whole time he wasn't sincere about recovery. big ole smoke screen.

Nickel

Hi there, just getting my daily dose of support to help me through today.

Just want to share with you, about 12 years ago I made the decision *finally*, to move on with my life. I had three young children, so believe me, it was a tough decision. Many nights alone, days when I received the phone call at work that I'd have to pick up the kids from daycare because he was drunk, and he spent his whole check at the bar and didn't pay the bills he was responspible for. I cried so many times.

It was VERY hard the first couple of years. I wanted so bad to go back to that comfort zone (and did a couple times) even though it was awful.

12 years later, I still have contact with the kids Dad. I see where his life is today, and really, I just can't see myself in that kind of life. He has been sober for several years and I do see that he is really trying to walk a new path though he definately looks like he has run hard. He is a nice guy, but not where I want to be in my life.

My point...I just want you to know, you can make it. You just have to keep telling yourself that and when you think about going back to it, step back, look a few years in the future. Can you see yourself living in an "OLD" motorhome because you can't afford a home, living on a limited income and looking like you lived that life???
Where will your kids be in that picture...

It took me a few years but I just can't picture myself ever in that picture. You know, if I hadn't left back then, I'd probably be there.

Hang in there, you'll make it.

dobiediva

That's exactly what my A used to say. He said they would all go off to the bars afterwards. I would point out to him that the people who went to the bars afterwards were usually court ordered just like he was. They weren't there to really get or stay sober.

Unfortunatly mine had the breathalyzer in his car for 2 years (one year left when I met him). It didn't do SQUAT to stop him from drinking. He cut back but didn't stop. It DID hinder his drinking and driving---to a point. He usually just found someone who hadn't been drinking (usually his brother) to blow into it for him then he would quickly drive whereever he "needed" to go and then if it went off again he would have someone else blow into it when he got there. If he didn't have anybody to blow into it then he made up some excuse about how something he ate gave a false reading (once claiming a strawberry milkshake did it?!). In the year he had the breathalyzer that I knew him he asked me to do it TWICE. I wouldn't do it. That was when he would just get somebody else. He called me one morning at 9 am to see if I would drive over there and blow into it. (we had been at a concert the night before and he had blown off work to start drinking at noon that day! This was my first sign that I should've RUN AWAY as fast as I can--but I thought --because he told me--that this isn't how he usually is. Anyway, he drank NONSTOP until midnight when we left for home from the concert. I was so angry at him that I left him at his house and wouldn't let him come over. He called at 9am--9 hours after he stopped drinking--because he couldnt' start his car to go to work. Found out later he blew a 0.12--still legally drunk--9 hours AFTER he stopped drinking!! How drunk was he that 9 hours later he was STILL drunk?) Of course I refused to blow into it, but since I had to drive by his work to take my mom home (she had spent the night with my kids) I agreed to drive him to work. He made up some story about his car not running right to my mom. He also had his brother blow into it after we had left so that he could claim it was a false reading. They find ways around everything don't they? And the Probation Officer bought it.

WantsOut

They are urine testing him too. And this breathilizer makes him blow into it every 20 minutes or so while he's on the road too. He'd need a sober person to ride iwth him the whole time. They really did well with the design on this thing. I asked what was to stop him from simply getting another vehicle and he said they monitor for non-use. If he were to not use it for a week they would call his job to see if he'd been in, and check DMV records to see if anything had been registered in his name. They might even spy on him to see what he's doing and if he's driving.

It was really smart of the courts because driving is really the only danger he poses to society. Otherwise he is a pretty valuable member - generate lots of taxes, follows the law, etc. They seem to have found a way to give him a chance to recover and protect The People at the same time. I admire their evenhandedness. It's one of the few times I have felt justice was fairly served. If he screws up it will be on his own head.

Now I know that he could still be drinking but it must be pretty hard to accomplish in a manner that doesn't interfere with driving or testing. After three years he might just step away from the dark side of the force for good.

And yes, I recognize that I'm putting way too much thought into him and his problem. Focus on me and all that jolly alanon stuff

Nitelite

I have a friend in NA; he said, "Gee, don't you guys all talk each other into divorcing us?"

LOL!! Most of us, well, in the groups I have been in, start out looking for ways - any way at all - to NOT leave! Codies 'r us....;-) nitelite

dobiediva

My A's breathalyzer beeped at him every 10-20 minutes or so at random. Sometimes he could drive all the way to work (30 minutes away) without it going off even once. But when ya figure he lived within 5-10 minutes of every bar he frequented and only 6 minutes from my house it didn't solve the problem. He found ways around it. Was still a danger to himself and others. They only did the urine testing when he was scheduled to meet with his PO. So he knew not to drink the day before. He could go 2 weeks without drinking anyway at that time so it wasn't a big deal to abstain when he knew he was going to be tested. Like I said before they find ways around everything! Sneaky little stinkers! (And guess where he learned all the tips on how to get around it?? Guys at AA!!!)

fluffyflea

The people in A.A who say they like Alanon are the ones with the recovery.

The ones who say they don't are threatened by Alanon because Alanoners are clued into their games.

Earthworm

minnie

I have a slightly different take on this.

Yes, those in AA who are not truly in recovery see Al-anon as a bitch-fest. I get that. However, I have met plenty of people in AA whose recovery I deeply admire, yet I still detect a very subtle air of "disdain" for those in al-anon, particularly those who are still with their drinking partners. A kind of "You suckers, you have believed all that crap that we spouted, put up with all that nonsense and still stayed around. What's wrong with you?" Kind of a sense of pity, rather than compassion. Perhaps it was the meetings I attended, perhaps it was British men (the AA women wouldn't come near us, for some reason), perhaps it is as Earthworm says, maybe it was my own projections. Actually, I think it is probably exactly as Earthworm says - men don't tend to like it when women figure out their games, drinker or non-drinker.

Never bothered me, mind.

minnie

Forgot to say - hi Darrell!!!! You've got a good woman there. We have had our run-ins in the past, however I am over the moon that you two have managed to work things out in the way you have. I wish you all the best for the future.

LarryATL

Great topic and great replies ! I have been in Alanon for 6 months and my AW (she's been to rehab but still active, and not doing AA) has been laying the guilt trip big time on me about attending my weekly Alanon f2f meeting. "You just go there to complain about me". "You're probably going there to meet other women" (yeeeesh), "You're ruining our Saturday by taking up the whole day with this", etc. etc. etc.

Through my 6 months in the program I have gotten enough sense, courage, confidence, etc. to politely but firmly correct her on all these points. And to tell her that it (attending Alanon and working the program) is all about me, my health, my recovery, my hapiness. And if anyone doesn't like the fact that I'm attending Alanon to help me, well then that's just too damned bad.

I NEVER would have been able to do that 6 months ago - thanks Alanon !

Larry