hbb

Some of you know my story, me and my bf have been together 9 months, he's been sober 6 months and we've been on a 2 week "break" per his doing. Which has meant NO contact. He needs to clear his head and get a better understanding of things. Well yesterday was my birthday and i got a text saying "you probably hate me......but happy birthday". So i called him, we talked for a bit, it wasn't bad, he said he missed me and loved me after i had said that and so on. We then text for a bit and it seemed good. We left it that we may see each other for a bit after work. At work late in the afternoon I received an email saying that he hoped i had a good birthday and hoped i could understand why things were like this blah blah blah and talk to you soon. No mention of loving me, wanting to be with me, glad to hear from me...NOTHING.

So last night i went out with friends for my bday and when i got home i had a present on the door. It was from him, with a card, which normally i get a serious loving card. This was a joke card with writing about how i've done so much for him and us and hoped once again i could understand why things are this way and hopefully he would know more soon and still no I love you, no mention of us no nothing other than a Love, and his name. The present i received was the most thoughtless, uncaring gift i've ever received. It was a bag of some sort, looks like from a thrift store and a little plaque about how special of a person i am.....I am crushed. There was NO thought in it and i'm now resentful, very resentful. My now dilema is that he gets his 6 month chip tomorrow and i've said i wanted to really go and all he says is "your more than welcome to go" nothing about i need you there, or even want you there. I know it's had but i DON'T think i should go nor do i now want to. The way he's acting seems out of guilt for something else. I don't know what to beleive anymore but he's putting me in a bigtime downward spiral. I know 6 months is soooo important but why should i support someone who could care less, even an ounce about me..........

cagefree

Heh - I got a voice message when I was in no contact with my XABF...it went something like "I understand why you could hate me...but maybe I'll hear from you?"

Mine said he wanted me to be at his 6 month chip meeting as a supportive friend (translation = you're the only person in my life who will go and support me so you must be there)...then promptly threw me out of his life.

It's what they do - as a few have already said...why should I be surprised? Why should I expect any different? Why am I expecting him to be more than he can be?

It's tough and it hurts...but I was emotionally investing myself in something that was bound to turn sour and then devastated when it did...what was I thinking...

hbb

Thank you for the advice, your absolutely right, why should i go ... he could pretty much care less about me. Stating he thought about calling me a couple of times in 2 weeks....whats that about. I can't get out of my head that something else is going on like cheating or his ex of 8 years.....he says no but he just seems guilty. The only other thing i can imagine is that he slipped and because i'm the one that has stood by him and helped him quit that he feels guilty. I'm making myself mental with all these thoughts.....i want the truth and will probably never get it. I've put my life on hold for him, took out a very large sum loan for him to get organized that now we have together and this is how i get treated. I don't understand it.

CE Girl

(((((hbb))))))

Having been where you are myself, I can't say anything to make you stop making yourself crazy with your thoughts.

I can only share my expereince

What makes us codependant is our need to control and fix things

I did that by helping my A get sober too. Paid his bills, organized the day to day living so he would have time to focus on himself, hell, even did his laundry and picked up his mail,,,LOL. He didn't have to do anything but focus on his sobriety. He was in a outpatient program 5 nights a week where he's go right after work and not get home until 9 pm. I'd have dinner waiting for him. This even after I drove 3 hours back and forth to work every day so we could live in his area to complete said program. I had to get up at 4 am to be to work on time. Such a good little Martyr I was

He was never completely sober the WHOLE time

I didn't know it then

What made ME change was the realization I was doing ALL the work. Making myself whack-a-doo trying to "figure out" all the why's.

I couldn't CONTROL it, and I couldn't FIX it,,,

I was doped slapped with my codependancy.

Its not HEALTHY for ME,,,

Sweetie,,you NEED to do something for YOU,,,

Peace

Tazman53

hbb are you going to alanon or working a recovery program? I would highly reccommend that you do.

When we get sober we are no longer the needy dependent people we used to be, in recovery we learn how to live life on lifes terms, we learn not to manipulate and lie to others, we learn how to function on our own and become responsible. To put it short and sweet..... we change!

Give him time and let things work out as they may, if you 2 have only been dating 9 months then maybe you are not aware of what types of gifts or cards he buys for birthdays. He may not be buying you extravagant gifts because he has not been getting drunk or the like and trying to make up for it.

I would highly reccommend you work on your own recovery and learn that we change in recovery, not totally, but we do change, we go from the person who is needy and dependant upon you to a person that is not needy and dependant, we learn how to live life on lifes terms.

mallowcup

Birthdays are good times to measure things. I would be most concerned with who I am at this age. I would hope that I would be the kind of person who would graciously thank anyone who gave me any kind of gift and remembered my birthday. The gift itself, whatever it was or my inner thoughts on the actual gift would be something I would internalize. If the gift opffends you, I'd thank him anyway because that's just good manners. That doesn't mean the gift has the desired effect on me if the intention was not heartfelt. You have to be the person you want to be and not let his behavior define you. When anyone gives a gift, we thank them.
There is always the chance that it was the best he had to give. It was a gift and he did remember. He said nice things and I'd just call that a good day. You went home and he went home and it doesn't have to be more than that. The gift may have been a joke maybe not. Be your own best example. How would a classy person respond?

Rella927

Ditto what Taz said I have seen it with my brother and a tiny bit with my XAB.....it is about "CHANGE" and helping you right now is the most important thing! Make yourself a priority!

hbb

Hi Mallowcup, I did thank him and said it was a nice thing that he did. But on the inside i'm crumbling and thinking he met someone at AA, he's keeping me soooo distant and not being nice about it at all. It's like a lightswitch went off and now he's become guilt ridden towards me for something. I don't know if i should come out and ask him whats going on or what i should do. It's killing me because i feel like i'm being played for a fool.

lovemypup

"little plaque about how special of a person i am....."

and your upset about this??? Why? Sounds like he gave you the gift that he wanted to give to you. Who cares if it was from a garage sale or a thrift shop.
He thought about you and gave you a gift. Not to mention it told you how special you were. Sounds like you should be grateful for that. Sorry but is it because you couldnt control him this year and tell him the exact gift you wanted? Is this really your issue? Sometimes we have to dig down deep inside ourselves and find the real truth.
Give him time, if he is really sober then that alone would have been the greatest present he could give to me.

mallowcup

In the long run you should hope he dates every gal at AA. it makes YOU all the more precious. Don't sell yourself short. By being gracious and intelligent, you were a feather in his cap. If there is another woman, she has to measure up to you. Women in recovery will either stay sober or start drinking again. let him have a taste of what that's like. Sit tight an let him have a good long experience of life without someone like you in it. The sting of the day will wear off. Today is a new day and a new guy can't ask you out until you are available. If this guy want you back, he needs to understand there is now a new element, competition. Get out and meet some new people. Open yourself up to other men. Go out with your friends. Sure it hurts and its upsetting to think his life might be going on without you but.....if that's the case, its best for you to get on with yours. If not, he can earn his way back because you are a hottie and the men are out there. There is nothing so scrumptuous as finding out that men have been daring themselves to ask you out. You say that this bothers you, if your phone just rang and it was Brad Pitt...........

hbb

I know what your saying and i initially was greatful, i guess i read more into the card where he used to write about how much he loved me and wanted to be with me. My mind is racing and i'm wondering if he has met someone and thats why he's acting this way. I could be completely wrong, i just wish i knew the truth. He has yet to initiate an i love you on text or the phone. I just have a bad gut feeling but feel after all we've been through (which i haven't even touched upon) that i deserve more than im getting. I"m the LEAST selfish person and why couldn't have he given me it when i was home, he refuses to see me and is pushing me away further and further.

hbb

Your going to make me cry Mallowcup!! Thank you so much, i do feel like if i cut some strings than i would know if he truly is taking me for granted knowing i'll always be there or if he really is the jerk i thought he never was. I guess i use my last relationship as an example where i was cheated on and knew how him feeling guilty was treating me. Maybe i'm completely wrong and i hope i am, it's the one thing that i didn't think i had to worry about....someone else....and now i'm thinking of that. To be honest with you, if we didn't have a $12,000 loan than i would easily walk away. Thats another thing, how can you treat someone soooo badly that has done these things to better himself....i just don't understand

dobiediva

HBB it sounds to me like you've fallen into the same trap many on here have. Alcoholics are MASTER manipulators. Look at everything you say you've done for him. Come on--you got a $12,000 loan for someone you've only been with 9 months?! And you aren't MARRIED to this person. You are giving WAY more than is usual and that's probably why he chose YOU in the beginning. He knew you would give him everything he needs and put up with his crap. We hear so much on here about the "falling hard, falling fast--they're my soulmate". Do you think its coincidence that many of us on here felt that way when we fell for our A's? And then in hindsight we see how quickly we are replaced when we get healthy enough (or angry enough) to move on. Alcoholics NEED an enabler. They NEED a codie to continue their habit. But another thing I've found (both in life with my XABF and here on these forums) is that it seems they have to string one along while testing the waters with a new one. The more "back up" they have the better. So they do the BARE MINIMUMS to keep stringing us along. When they feel that they are losing us they turn up the "charm", that's when I always heard "I love you." That's when he was always affectionate and loving and kind....when I was ready to walk out the door! And I LOVED him. I STILL love him! It breaks my heart to be without him. But I CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE!!

Look, I'm not trying to be hurtful here. But I hear in your posts how upset you are about the "little" things he did for your birthday (which by the way are HUGE in my opinion. My XABF didn't remember my birthdays over the last 2 years even tho' they are only 5 days before his! The ONLY time he did was when we were broken up for the last one--he sent me a text at 2 minutes til midnight. Guess I was supposed to feel honored that he remembered!). If he IS drinking (and nobody really knows that for sure but him) and you stay with him those LITTLE things will be the dangerous things that keep you hanging on for WAY longer than you should. You will be destroyed by him and those "little" things will be what holds you to him. I say let go and free yourself before its too late.
If he's really sober and he really loves you he will find you when he is ready. But don't be surprised if you tell him its over and he fights like heck to hang on to you. That's when they panic. And that's usually when we feel the most "special". Its such a sick game. Do you really want to play?

embraced2000

when i was this confused and hurt, al-anon was the only thing that helped me.

if he is sincere in his attempt to gain serenity and sobriety, that will be the most important thing in his life. relationships take second place to the quest for sobriety.

when my xah got sober one time for 10 months, it crushed me that i was not as important as his getting sober.....but with the help of al-anon, i quickly understood.

have you attended any al-anon or other recovery programs for yourself?

and i will add this....if i knew now, what i know then, i would run like the wind if i only hadd 9 months invested in a relationship with an alcoholic. (ducks out of room)

parentrecovers

you have choices, hbb. and you deserve to be treated with more respect. blessings, k

hbb

thank you so much for your love and support, i couldn't do this without you guys and SR. I'm just not the type to give up, even when i should. I guess i truly have to let go of what he's thinking, doing, saying, feeling because it's killing me inside. I have tried Al Anon and AA both. I found Al Anon confusing but maybe it's because i was looking for answers to do with him. He gets his 6 month chip tomorrow and i would be running to that meeting but have decided that i've done enough and i just cant be hurt anymore. I do think that giving something for my bday meant something other than someone else....just so easy to think of all the possibilities when it could be NONE of them at all.

mallowcup

Hey, isnt' love supposed to feel good? This is the litmus test that it's manipulation. If it makes you feel bad, it isn't love.

hbb

I was hoping maybe he will see the light and snap out of whatever he's going through, now my concern is the finance part of it or i would walk away with no troubles. he assured me he would make the payments but now i'm concerned, the next one is Friday and i don't want to jump on it yet but hope he doesn't screw it up.

dobiediva

That's the problem. We always hope THEY will see the light--not realizing that WE need to see it too! I know how hurt you are. If I didnt' have my kids I wouldn't even get out of bed lately. I am CRUSHED by the latest actions of my exABF. I love him so much and just don't understand how he can still continue to NOT GET IT! I'm starting to realize that HE isnt' the one that needs to get it. Its me! Something I've known all along but tried to ignore hoping the little light would go off in HIS head and that would solve all our problems. I'm finding it doesn't work that way--not even a little bit!

hbb

If i wasn't financially bound, i would walk away knowing i did do everything i could for him. Maybe i need to believe him when he said not to worry about the loan and that it would get paid and just focus on me.....he's just not telling me anything straight out and i'm ready to flip out and i think he wants me to do that and i REFUSE to give him that out.