prodigal

I'd suggest you give Al-anon another try. No, it's not about trying to figure out what the A in your life is thinking, what his motives are for doing what he does, what he ate for breakfast ... It's about you, you, you.

As far as the loan goes, I don't know if you lent him the money or if this is a secured loan from a bank or other lending institution. If it's a secured loan and both of you signed for it, then he's liable if he defaults. Unfortunately, in the case of joint loans, you are liable as well. Since I'm not sure about the details of the loan, I don't know how tied it makes you to him.

However, regardless of the loan, I'd suggest you quit trying to figure out what's going on inside his head and spend some time figuring out what is inside of your's. Perhaps you just take what he says at face value and quit trying to read something into it. The guy is making sobriety his number one priority right now and that means you're taking a back seat. But if I had to choose between taking a back seat to an AA meeting over a bottle of booze, I'd choose the meeting.

hbb

Thank you so much for the valuable information, i do appreciate it. Unfortunately as far as the loan went, i took it out and he has to make the payments but i'm going to have to tell him that he'll have to find another way to take it over because i'm not going to have this tie for the next 4 years. I at the very least think he owes me an explination of whats going on. In my mind, he's left it for me to get so aggrevated that i'll break up with him and i'm not giving him that easy out. I deserve much much more than that, all I want is the truth. It's so unfair, and this is why i hate dating

splendra

Multiply your pain right now and the loan by 10 years and think about how you would feel and how messed up your finacess could get if you gave him $12,000 a year...Your pain multiplying and your money being gone is a very real possibility.

Any man that asks for that kind of money has a lot of nerve in my opinion. I guess all he had to do was go to AA to convince you that he was sincere.

I believe you have a right to be angry are you angry enough to give him and yourself some space? See if he make these payments? If he does not make the payments $12,000. could be a small price to pay considering the math of 10 more years.

Take care of yourself and let the chips fall where they may. Please don't call him or try and pin him down...save your dignaty.

hbb

Splendra, thank you soooo much, i know your right, i just worry that i'm going to get screwed but he has made every indication that he will do the right thing by the loan. It was the first thing he said to me. I've been going though alot in my head with regards to his 6 month chip tomorrow at his meeting. I told him i wanted to go and he said i was more than welcome, not i would love you there, not i would appreciate you there or any indication other than a "doorman" response!! So i was thinking that since he hasn't given me an ounce of dignaty with whats going on either way that i should go to Al Anon instead because it's the start of a new series and maybe FOR ONCE i should do it for me instead of chasing him. Maybe it would be an eyeopener if i didn't run to his meeting and stand by him. He's has only known me to be right there ALL THE TIME. No matter what, i've always been there to pick up the pieces. And if he is doing the steps about fix past guilt he should add this to the list because i don't know a perfect stranger that would treat someone this badly for doing good in their life.

dobiediva

I guess I'm reading this and just trying to figure out why you're taking this all so personally? Seems like you have a dialogue in your head on what YOU THINK he should say or feel because that's what you would do or feel were the roles reversed. Sadly it doesn't work that way becuase alcoholics don't think like non alcoholics and you're going to drive yourself nuts trying to figure out why he doesn't respond the way YOU think he should. Even in a "healthy" relationship you can't control what the other person thinks or does. Expecting him to act one way and then getting upset because he didn't (he can't read your mind just like you can't read his) is only asking for trouble. Sometimes people really just don't get it. I think you try to should stop reading ANYTHING into what he is or is not doing and just do what he flat out asks because that is the only "for sure" thing you have to go on right now.

hbb

Your right, i know everyone's probably sick of me on here now It's my own insecurities and im trying to work on that. I would love to believe that he is still wanting a future together but as time goes on in my head the scenerio is: my girlfriend signed a huge loan for me, i don't want to be together anymore with her but will look like an ass if i dump her for all she's done so i'll **** her off to the point of her dumping me" is all i keep thinking and you know what, i'm not giving in to that, he can be a man if that's what he wants. Unless like you said, he is being genuine, it's all i have to go on without getting so mad. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt a little longer but not just sitting and waiting for him to decide the grass is greener!

splendra

He may not give any(dignity) ever but you can find it for yourself

denny57

I would contact a lawyer; draw up a promissory note and have him sincerely sign it. Find out what I would need to do to make sure I would not get stuck.

GlassPrisoner

I used to be convinced every one was out to get me, and I knew their motives (which was usually to screw me or get even)

But you know what ? Not everyone is out to get me. Most people aren't even thinking of me when they do what they do. Most of the time, people just do what they do, that's all there is to it.

Lastly, I don't know what motivates me. Who am I to second guess what motivates others ?

This was all revealed to me by my sponsor on steps 4 & 5. I can't take credit, but I happily pass it on.

minnie

It seems you have two different issues here.

Firstly, as Denny says, get something legal and in writing as far as the loan is concerned. I'm not going to beat you up about it, because my own financial dealings with my ex are well documented on here. All I will say is that I resigned myself to effectively paying a "Stupid Tax" if I hadn't have won through legal avenues. It was a hard way to learn not to lend anyone money.

Secondly, what help are you getting for the more emotional issues? You seem to have very high expectations of this guy, whether as a partner or as someone in recovery. He is who he is. He doesn't have to be any particular way just to please you. All you can do is decide whether the person who he is at any particular time is someone who you want to be with. Are you trying to make him fit what you think a boyfriend "should" be?

The answers to all your questions are available to you as long as you are willing to do the work.

dobiediva

We're not sick of you. We've all been there at one point or another. A very wise person once asked me "Why are you waiting for HIM to make the decisions? Why does HE get to decide whether he stays or goes?" My answer was always that I loved him and I wasn't ready to give up on him. So I waited... and waited... and waited... He drank. He cheated. He lied. He manipulated. What did I do in response? I got angry. I guilted. I manipulated. I threatened. I left. Then I waited. I convinced myself there was a reason I was waiting. That he would someday see how wonderful I really am and he would change. But ya know what? He already KNOWS how wonderful I am. If I wasn't the best damn codie I could be he would've left a long time ago because I would no longer serve a useful purpose to him! He's often told me I could do so much better. I deserve better. I would be better off without him. He KNOWS that is all true. Problem was I needed to see that he was REALLY telling me "I can't give you this! I WON'T GIVE YOU THIS"
So now I ask MYSELF: why did I give him all the power over my happiness, security, well being, future? I'm not sure I know the answer but I DO KNOW Its time to take that power back!

splendra

I just want to say again $12,000. is a lot of money no doubt. But it can turn into a much larger some if you hang in there with him. I wish I had gotten out and never looked back when my H only owed $12,000!!!!!!

Please don't minimize the emotional pain in just 9 months that you have felt.


I wouldn't be surprised to hear that this guy has borrowed money for other people as well. You might not want to rationalize why he could not get this some of money on his own. And if you do rationalize keep the facts for most in your mind.

Keep posting too cause it really does help

splendra

(((((((hbb)))))))Girl.....

I am sure that you are a perfectly lovely person and you deserve much better than what this guy is giving to you.

Get something in writing take it to a lawyer and keep moving forward. If he does not pay and you end up holding the bag consider that he could do much more damage and probably is out there working on another source of loans... which could be why you haven't heard from him much.

I have been there and done that got the tee shirt wore it to rags and trying to get him away from me....

fluffyflea

You've only been with the guy nine months and he's an A.

Why is he taking so much energy?

Earthworm

hbb

Thanks all, so many of you are so helpful, i can't even tell you. I already did a promisary note with him, he never asked for the loan it was something we decided ourselves together. I have that, his first words to me were "don't worry about the loan, i will take care of it". I'm not being niave, i believe him and have the documentation to back me up...THANK GOD!!! Maybe he is genuine, maybe he's not, but i think i'm at the point of pure exhaustion and not sure i could be sucked back in and he thinks he has me right where he wants me but the whole cheating thing, if that is the case (i have no proof or idea, he says no) i know i don't deserve it and not sure i could not let that go.

prodigal

I've read each of your posts and for the most part, they are based on your own conclusions that you've reached in your own mind. You're upset that he possibly cheated on you. You don't even know if he did, but you're all stirred up about the possibility that it happened. I'd suggest you read what you have written thus far. This says a lot about your expectations and suspicions; far more than it says about what he has actually done - at least according to what you're saying.

This isn't love, this is self-torture. I'd be interested to know why you feel the need to hurt yourself like this because it certainly sounds to me as if you're bringing a lot of pain on yourself. You have a legal document which indicates you can take legal action if he defaults on the loan (which hasn't happened at this point) - yet you're whipping yourself into a frenzy over the possibility of what may happen IF he defaults.

From what you've posted, I don't see anything, in my own opinion, that indicates this guy is being intentionally hurtful; he just isn't doing or saying what you want him to do or say.

hbb

Prodigal, your right, i can't say anything more than your right. My very dear friend has said the same thing, "why can't i take what he's saying to heart and believe what he is telling you". Like my mother said, you can't believe anyone or anything else other than what he has told you. Only he knows whats going on. It all comes back to my low self esteem, i actually made an appt. with a therapist in a couple of weeks, wished for sooner but i'll take it. I'm going to Al Anon too. Maybe it is as simple is that he wants to make sure this is right for him, me and the both of us now that he's clearing his head for a future of sobriety. This is me, this is me all the time, someone could say hi the wrong way and i'm upset. It always had been me unfortunately. I'm hoping tonight will shed some light on what i can work on while he's working on him. I keep telling myself not to get resentful and mad...i'm just not used to the no contact, push away, won't talk bf with him. He's always been such the opposite. I love him so much

minnie

Can you share what it is you love about him?

prodigal

Al-anon suggest you attend six meetings prior to deciding whether it's for you or not. Perhaps someone will say something in the meeting that will help you, but don't bet the farm on it. Some meetings are more relevant to my own personal situation than others, but I always walk away feeling better regardless.

hbb, please don't take this as my trying to be hurtful to you, but what you've been saying in your posts is not exactly what I would consider "love." At least not in the conventional sense of the word. You doubt his motives, you doubt his loyalty, you question his behaviors, you're suspicious of what he's up to. That ain't love. I certainly understand insecurity and low self-esteem, having dealt with it myself for many years. One thing became clear to me: unless I could love myself, I couldn't love someone else.

I think Al-anon and therapy are steps in the right direction. Just give it time. There are no instant answers, although I think you'll gain clarity about what's going on with you. It sounds like you can't stand the fact that he's asserting himself and requesting that you give him space. You say you love him. Loving someone includes respecting their wishes and not freaking out because you're not getting what you expect to get. Just leave him be. Take care of yourself. He's trying to do his best to get better. Now it's time for you to do the same.

hbb

Prodigal, I understand what your saying but i've backed completely off and have respected his wishes but there comes a time if he's not giving me an ounce of respect for what i am doing than yes i am questioning things. It's only been in the last couple of days that i've felt this questioning feeling. All along i've tried to give the benefit of the doubt that he is genuine but then i hear stories that he is out at bars after work with a friend at 2:30 in the afternoon. So yes, i guess i do question things but i do love him so much and don't want to see him go back down the same path. This is not for me, the entire relationship hasn't been an ounce about me, which i guess that also says alot but i do feel i do deserve a little respect on his behalf and not 1/2 answers and beating around the bush, if it's over it's over just be a man.......if he is genuine than my bad but i have given him PLENTY of respect for that.