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Careful what you wish for!!

Old 06-19-2007, 08:33 PM
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Careful what you wish for!!

Hi all,

After 3 goes at reconcilliation (he left to pursue drinking, his gambling and other women, but then always wanted back again - and I took him back) this time I have drawn the line.

For the past 2 months he's been calling and texting with all manner of messages - pleading (to be friends), sarcastic, nasty, back to pleading and nice.

I've done pretty well not answering.... ironic he's the one who dumped me over and over but I found myself the one trying to maintain the distance between us.

Anyhow, after a message at 3.30 am a week ago, I have now heard nothing. Which should make me happy and relieved right!

Well, it sorta does, but it also means (from past experience) that he has probably found someone else to focus obsessively on - also good. (The last women he managed to get into bed - who was married with two kids - he was texting between 30 and 50 times a DAY!)

BUT.....

it just reminds me that he really is only contacting me (when he does) because it's all about him. If he's lonely, miserable, bored, frustrated, tired..... I get message after message about how he needs me. Never a question about how I'm going even though he dumped me 3 times and life has been so sad and so hard.

So now that he's feeling better because (I'm guessing) he's got another woman, I'm completely off the radar even as a friend. He can't be bothered.

And that was the story of our marriage really. If he was being nice it was because he wanted something or had no-one to go out with. If he was at the pub or out drinking then I got ignored and told I should be 'happy' for him if he was out having fun - after all that's what marriage is about, being happy for your parnter if they're doing what they want to!!!!!

Anyhow, I guess I just feel irritated and annoyed at this reminder that I'm only good for him to use when he feels the need to have me around. Just makes me angry - ggrrrrrrrrrr.

No doubt he'll start contacting me again the next time he feels lonely, bored, miserable etc.

Oh well, on with building my new life and starting a whole range of new things for me to do.

And no, I haven't texted him to find out what's going on even though I feel like doing it just to have a go at him and tell him he's a user.

Sorry - just needed to vent!! Thanks for listening.
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Old 06-19-2007, 08:57 PM
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Vent away!

But it sounds like you are doing pretty good! Keep building that life!!

Do you attend Alanon meetings?
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Old 06-19-2007, 09:18 PM
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Hi Chero,

No, we have no al-anon meetings currently operating around here. We do have open AA meetings though, and I've thought about going to one of those.

But in a funny way, I don't want to go because it's once again focusing on him and his disease and how it's changed and affected me and what I did whilst involved with him. And I want to let that go, move on, start a whole new chapter of my life.

I am very aware though, that I need to work on me. I see a fantastic counsellor once a week, and we are spending lots of time at the moment looking into why I've behaved the way I have over the last 9 years (letting this happen, not setting boundaries, not reacting to the gazillion red flags I saw but wouldn't take action on etc etc), and we're also working on a plan for my future and how I can move forward from here.

This week I have looked into playing a new sport (squash), started my part-time home business up again (I teach part-time but also run a media/pr business from my home office), organised my retirement plan and savings (25 yrs to go, but you can never start too soon, especially as I have zero money behind me due to the debts we built up over the years that had to be paid off), put a saving plan into action, and plan to ring up the leukemia foundation in our city to volunteer to help with fundraising (my dad died of leukemia).

I also have quite a few outings organised with friends, and just went to see Miss Saigon last weekend in our closest large city (Melbourne).

So, I've been keeping busy and trying to look towards the future. But, I'm just irritated with his complete lack of compassion when it comes to me.

It truly is, and probably has been for years 'all about him', and I'm just feeling hard done by I suppose. Particularly since I have to shoulder the blame of letting it happen to myself, so perhaps a fair bit of this is irritation with ME!

Which is the reason I haven't contacted him to say 'Hey, you said over and over you want to be friends, but suddenly I'm off the radar because you don't need me to enable you anymore!' I need to work on ME, not focus on him.

Last night I had the mobile phone out and was ready to text him, and I said 'NO, this will not help you in anyway, and will only prove to him he still has a hold on you that he can exploit any time he wishes.' So, I put the phone away and did some exercise.

It's just hard sometimes - sigh.
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Old 06-19-2007, 10:07 PM
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If he was at the pub or out drinking then I got ignored and told I should be 'happy' for him if he was out having fun - after all that's what marriage is about, being happy for your parnter if they're doing what they want to!!!!!
Makes sense to me !!!!!

Scary though, I did think just that when I was still drinking. It's no wonder our marriage didn't work.
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Old 06-19-2007, 10:50 PM
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And it makes sense to me too - partly! Of course I want my parnter to be happy. I've always been very supportive of any partner having interests outside the relationship, hobbies, a night out with the 'boys', the occasional weekend golf trip away with his mates, week long trips to visit his friends and parents in another state etc etc. No problem there whatsoever within reason.

But when having fun means me constantly not knowing where he is, when he'll be home (usually anywhere from midnight to lunchtime the next day), who he's with, or how much money he'll have gambled/spent on booze by the time he gets back - then sorry, that's going too far.

He always said 'But you could go out and have fun too, I'd love it if you did'. (Yeah, the guilt pressure would be off him then).

Funny though, whenever I did (could count the times on one hand over the last few years), those would be the nights he'd go out and gamble more than ever, then say he just couldn't cope being alone in the house and he had to do something.

Consequently I basically never did go out and do stuff for me, every time I did he reacted the opposite of what he said he would and how he expected me to react to him. I then ended up feeling responsible for him being out and losing more money, and that effected our joint finances even more - so I just stopped.
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Old 06-19-2007, 10:55 PM
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My ex would say the same thing then if I did stay after school for a game or go out for dinner with a few co-workers, he'd call and say when are you coming home?
He'd use it against me for always being away from the house. After awhile, I didn't want to go home because I never knew what I was going home to. I guess I was just supposed to sit there and read my books quietly while he drank.

No thanks! Not a relationship that I want again.
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Old 06-19-2007, 11:08 PM
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And it makes sense to me too - partly! Of course I want my parnter to be happy.
Everyone does. Even I did when I was drinking. The problem with alikes is the whole world revolves around us. Everyone and everything around us is just a support system for our happiness (AKA Our Way). l actually told my ex once "If everyone would just do as I say, I'd be happy. If I'm happy, we're all happy !" Only after recovery do we realize that it's an inside job.

Insanity I tell 'ya.
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Old 06-20-2007, 02:01 AM
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Goldenleaves you sound like you're doing great and I hear everything you're saying as my A sounds just like yours-its all about their happiness and you only hear from them when they want something.

Its nearly four months since I flung mine out and I've only seen him when wanted money,he doesn't like where he's living-diddums-didn't have a problem spending lots of time with his barfly and their drinking cronies in her house while I went to work to pay the bills!

IMO you acnt be friends with them and I have told mine not to contact me at all while he's still with her and drinking.His answer to that was theres no harm in a wee 'phone call and he was told no way as he'll use any means to suck me back in.

If yours is with another woman,and i suspect he is,let them get on with it and remember the best revenge is living well yourself and you seem to be doing that just grand.
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Old 06-20-2007, 02:59 AM
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I agree Braveheart, I think friends is way out of the question. He was just so desperate to be at least friends as he 'couldn't bear to live life without me in it'.

Well, none of my other friends treat me this way, and of all the people I have in my life he has treated me with the least respect over time. Funny how he only wants to be friends on his terms, just like he only wanted to be married on his terms.

Sounds like you have done well with sticking to your no contact boundary - good on you!!!

aztchr I agree - not a relationship I want again! And one I will go to great pains to avoid with any new person who may at some stage enter my life.

Glass Prisoner, I love it when people chime in from the recovering alcoholics point of view. It's a good reminder that even though he's probably done more than all the rest of the men in my life put together (and there's been some real doozies) to ruin me emotionally, spiritually, and financially, he's still human and underneath it all deserves compassion.

Sometimes you guys do come out the other side!

He's just going to get compassion from a very, very long way away, and will not be in the forefront of my mind - that place is reserved for me from now on until I get to like myself and my life a bit more!
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Old 06-20-2007, 03:07 AM
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This was always the truth of it. It's just that you see the pattern more clearly because you didn't respond.
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