kermit

To make a long story as short I can, my daughter has been very mean to me lately so tonight, knowing we don't have any money she asks if I have any cash, I say no, she asks if she can use her Grandmas debit card to go to Starbucks, I again say no, she starts in on me, I tell her its her grandmothers Money and is used for emergency only, like food.... so she yells at me I yell at her. She leaves with friends, I tell her not to come home that she is not welcome here, that I'm tired of her treating me like ****. Yesterday I broke my toes, it hurt really bad so I asked her to go to the market and feed the boys something for dinner. That too was a huge fight, not untill I called afriend over to help me did she do it. I told her that she was ungreatful and she turns it around on me telling me I'm ungreatful, that she has a job and gets good grades and that I couldn't do anything without her help. (I thought thats what famials do, help eachother) any way, I told her I was shutting off her phone and taking her car away, that she can get her own "wants" that I would take care of only the "needs" She told me to get a new daughter and send her to her Dad. That hurt.
I'm not going to let her walk all over me, nopw way..
Did I do the right things?

thinkmink

You have to answer that for yourself. Did you do everything you could do to keep your side of the street clean? Is there anything that you said that you wished you didn't? If you had to do it all over again, is there anything that you wished you had said or did differently? How do you feel now?

kermit

I feel like my heart is broken,

MsGolightly

(((kermit)))

how old is your daughter?

it sounds like you were both just very emotional. i know i fight with my parents and others and say angry and hurtful things in the heat of the moment that i look back on and regret... and your daughter will probably do the same. give it some time to die down and i think things will get better between you.

kermit

she is 17 on sat and I'm sorry but things wont be the same anymore, she broke my heart

thinkmink

I only know what you posted but it sounds like she's just acting like a teenager.

LaTeeDa

Awww Kermie! Try to remember when you were 17, okay. You knew what was best and all the adults in the world were just a pain in the a$$! She's trying to push your buttons to get what she wants. Starbucks????? That's a neccessity? You know what's right, and so does she, deep down inside. Don't let her drag you into her angst. All teenagers have angst, especially those who have lived with alcoholism. At least that is my experience. You just keep on doing the right thing and someday she will appreciate that. It may not be anytime soon, but what really matters is you feel good about your own choices. Let her deal with hers.

(((((Kermit)))))

A quote I read once--"Trying to understand teenagers is like trying to nail Jello to a tree!"

Keep on keeping on!

L

aztchr

How old are your boys?

She said what would hurt the most. She's acting out because you said no.
If she has a job, then her wants can be met with her own money.

I wish my parents would say no to my sister more often. Keep setting your boundaries and taking care of the primary needs of your family. That's all you can do. I'm sorry you are hurting.

~Troy~

Regardless of right or wrong, everyone needs their feelings validated and that is extremely difficult in the heat of aggresive behavior. The louder the voice, the less gets heard it seems. If things get better, at least on speaking terms, I'd try a different approach.

MsGolightly

i've often thought things would never be the same after incredibly heated arguments, but you learn to forgive and your daughter will learn to grow up. she's acting like a typical teenager and i know you're hurting now, but it will probably blow over as soon as both of your tempers cool down and like troy said, try a different approach next time, where you aren't yelling at each other... that only seems to make things worse.

kermit

Thanks everyone, I let you know what happens

Pick-a-name

Kermie....perhaps she is mostly acting out and hurting....about her dad and him not supporting you and her and the other kids (heck; can't even have a Starbuck's but he can drink,etc.,etc),the divorce, the move....everything.... Especially at an age where things should be more carefree and less serious. You've all been through the wringer. Maybe she's venting because you are "safe" ...she knows you love her and will still love her even when she is acting rotten (just not the rotten behavior).

Hugs to you both.

Perhaps she's "sick and tired of being sick and tired,too...."
JMHO

cmc

******{kermie}}}}
Not to say a thing about who is right or wrong, but maybe what really triggered all of this is stress from the recent changes in your situation-divorce, moving to a new place, mom's hurt etc. I have found that most family arguments are _not_ really about the topic that seems to cause it...(going to Starbucks) imo my 2 cents
I hope you will feel better about things in the morning and that your tootsies aren't hurtin' too bad.
hugs,
cmc

kermit

Picka, agreed!

Pick-a-name

(((Kermie))) Hope you are both feeling better tomorrow!

kermit

Shes not home yet.

kermit

She came home and got her stuff it got worse, now she is gone

Cynay

I feel for ya Kermit.... I also have a 17 year old.

About 4 years ago she broke my heart and wanted to Live with her Aunt and Uncle... (more money, big house etc.... much cooler then I am *rolls my eyes*...

I told her she had a choice... She has a Mother and a Father and I have no idea why God thought it a good idea to give her to us... but he did and we could both take care of her.... of course not in the lifestyle she wanted to become accustomed too... SO she choose her Dad.... I was crushed. About 3 months later she calls me crying her eyes out wanting to come home... she made a mistake. I made her stay there till the school year was over... that was a boundry when she left.

Long story short.... she came home, moved out again to her Aunt and Uncles... realized it was not greener over there and is now sleeping on my couch... and BOY is she hard to live with....

But one thing I know is that teenage girls seem to have to push harder and more buttons to "seperate" from their Mothers. I had no choice but to detach from her and let her guide her own journey.... she is almost an adult, but with that she gets to make her own mistakes. I did tell her a thing or two the other day about being rude...

I found a letter she was writing to God asking him why she is so unhappy and rude... that she does not want to be that way and she is even rude to her boyfriend.... She knows what she is doing.... but she still does it... I honestly believe its the age and the seperation from the parent to grow up.

You will mend ... of that Im sure hon, it just hurts right now but she will always be your love.

kermit

When she came home I wanted to talk she said no, I didn't let it go, I told her if she takes thecar I will call the police, she said go ahead and I'll tell them everything. So said I was crazy, just like her Dad used to do. I yelled as she left... SHe came back and said I want my brothers you are going to hurt them youre crazy! I told her the only person I was going hurt was her.
I'm sorry but I'm tired of being treated like the child.
Cynay, thanks if she doesn't like it here, if it is not what shw wants then she can move out.I'm tired of bailing her out

mallowcup

I think too often we rely on our children to compensate for a missing parent. She is your daughter, not your partner. You are the mother. There is nothing wrong with her helping but you are the mother and she is the kid. She's being a teenager. I was the oldest and my mother treated me like an extension of herself. She is hurting too and her dad is gone. Sometimes it is good to remember that everyone in the house is effected by his leaving and NOT doing the right thing by his kids. To whom is she supposed to express this hurt but you?
She works and has good grades and no matter how good she is, it wasn't enough.
Not for him and now not for you. Kids take this personally. I'm sure her friends can stroll into Starbucks and buy a cup of coffee. She can't, her dad skipped out.
This post brings back many memories for me. My father drank, my mother worked and I raised the kids and held the house together, listening to both of my parents sides of things. You have to stop and realize just how devasting this has been to your kids. What she said was teenaged stuff, what you said to her about not coming back was cutting. You are her mother, you have to be the adult. Has your daughter attended any alanon. It breaks my heart to see this ripple effect.