Guess it Doesn't Always Pay....SO SAD...
Live, Laugh, Love
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
Guess it Doesn't Always Pay....SO SAD...
Well i wrote yesterday saying i hadn't talked to my bf whom has been sober for 6 months this Thursday. He came to me wanting to take a break 2 weeks ago and today is my Bday so i got a text from him saying "you probably hate me, but happy bday" sort of thing so i called him to tell him it was quite the opposite. We haven't spoken in 2 weeks and we did have an okay talk for about 20 minutes and then text back and forth a bit, it was light and cheery and good and mentioned about possibly seeing each other after work for a bit.
Well in the meantime at work i received an email saying happy bday and he hoped i could understand what he's going through, he hoped to get his stuff together shortly and would talk to me soon. So in a day's time he had digressed or maybe scared of losing sight of his focus. Not sure, but sounds to me like in other words he doesn't want to be with me and is backing off after saying when he saw me pass by him on Sunday that he thought i might stop by. I'm so confussed but i guess he is too. My thoughts are that the balls in his court once again and i've done what i can to let him know i'm there for him. But i guess the writing's on the wall that he wants nothing to do with me without actually coming out and saying it. Unless he doesn't know what he wants.....I'M SO CONFUSSED BUT FEEL I CAN'T DO ANYTHING AT THE MOMENT AS HE HAS LEFT THINGS...I'M SOOOOO UNBELIEVABLY SAD.....
Well in the meantime at work i received an email saying happy bday and he hoped i could understand what he's going through, he hoped to get his stuff together shortly and would talk to me soon. So in a day's time he had digressed or maybe scared of losing sight of his focus. Not sure, but sounds to me like in other words he doesn't want to be with me and is backing off after saying when he saw me pass by him on Sunday that he thought i might stop by. I'm so confussed but i guess he is too. My thoughts are that the balls in his court once again and i've done what i can to let him know i'm there for him. But i guess the writing's on the wall that he wants nothing to do with me without actually coming out and saying it. Unless he doesn't know what he wants.....I'M SO CONFUSSED BUT FEEL I CAN'T DO ANYTHING AT THE MOMENT AS HE HAS LEFT THINGS...I'M SOOOOO UNBELIEVABLY SAD.....
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Unless he doesn't know what he wants.
At 6 months sober, the fog in my head was just starting to lift a bit and boy...........I was more confused than ever!!
The REAL reality is slow appearing and understanding for one in recovery. Right now I would suspect that your BF doesn't know if he is coming or going.
He is probably also feeling like he is in 20,000 pieces and is trying to pull the pieces out of the air and paste them back on his body.
Let's see, it was about at 6 months when I started saying at meetings:
"Hi, my name is SCATTERED and I'm an alcoholic."
Are you attending any alanon meetings? They are a great way for you to work on you.
You know we continue to grow and change throughout our life, if we don't we get very stagnant.
Hope the above helps a bit.
Love and hugs,
Live, Laugh, Love
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
Thank you it does, I have attended both AA and Al Anon and he did ask if it has helped me and it has. I just feel like there is NO love there to me, and right now maybe there isn't. I feel helpless but he couldn't know more I am there for him so i guess i'll just go on knowing in my heart i did the best i could. I sense he doesn't want to be with me ever again but that could all be this emptiness he's feeling, he specifically wants to do it alone and said he always has when i offer myself for help. I guess if you give them wings they will fly back to you....so they say 
just soooo sad and want to help.
just soooo sad and want to help.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Happy Birthday!!!
It sounds like things are tough round your way at the moment. I do think that many problem drinkers have an issue with rejection and also of rejecting others. So, perhaps, it is hard for them to really say what they feel and make a clean break, especially if they are told "no major changes in the first year".
Can I ask why you are waiting for someone else to decide what you should do with your life? I don't mean to imply that you should be off dating other people, but is there not more to life than waiting to see if someone wants to be with you or not? Do you have any friends to catch up with? Hobbies to get involved in? Volunteering? Meetings?
I read a great book that someone sent me - Why Men Love B!tches. In a nutshell, it said that men tend to like the chase and that being ever-available was not a turn on. I have tentatively tested this theory and, so far, it is proving to be true. I, too, have a tendency to ascribe problems to dysfunction, when sometimes it is just about how men and women interact.
It sounds like things are tough round your way at the moment. I do think that many problem drinkers have an issue with rejection and also of rejecting others. So, perhaps, it is hard for them to really say what they feel and make a clean break, especially if they are told "no major changes in the first year".
Can I ask why you are waiting for someone else to decide what you should do with your life? I don't mean to imply that you should be off dating other people, but is there not more to life than waiting to see if someone wants to be with you or not? Do you have any friends to catch up with? Hobbies to get involved in? Volunteering? Meetings?
I read a great book that someone sent me - Why Men Love B!tches. In a nutshell, it said that men tend to like the chase and that being ever-available was not a turn on. I have tentatively tested this theory and, so far, it is proving to be true. I, too, have a tendency to ascribe problems to dysfunction, when sometimes it is just about how men and women interact.
Live, Laugh, Love
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
I agree totally with what you are saying. I have the most wonderful friends and unfortunately it's not even enough to get me through, all topics end up back about him and maybe it has to do with the fact that i'm also insecure and need that reassurance. Things moved apparently too fast, we talked about kids, marriage and whatnot, i know he's not in the position but thought we could talk as HE was the one that would always bring it up. Part of me feels like if i laugh or have a fun time i immediately feel guilty for that and i should constantly be thinking of him (which i am) but i'm so mad, why did he have to push me away again....he's the sweetest person i know and so not like him to be like this, i can't/won't understand.....i've never loved someone like i love him.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
Hi hbb,,and welcome to SR,,,
Me either.
I learned the best way to love him was to let him go,,,,,,
Did I feel he "rejected' me? Yup. it was a no win situation. He rejected me when he was drinking, and he rejected me when I was trying to enable him.
Nothing changes if nothing changes
I changed the enabling. And let him.
I let him do what he needed to do for HIM, without one thought of ME
It's up to us to take care of ourselves first.
Does it hurt not to have him in my life? You bet it does, but it's TRUE love when you let them swim or sink on their own.
Three C's sweetie,,
You did not CAUSE it
You can't CONTROL it
You can't CURE it
You CAN take care or you,,,,
Give yourself PERMISSION to laugh and have fun,,,you DESERVE it
Peace
i've never loved someone like i love him.
I learned the best way to love him was to let him go,,,,,,
Did I feel he "rejected' me? Yup. it was a no win situation. He rejected me when he was drinking, and he rejected me when I was trying to enable him.
Nothing changes if nothing changes
I changed the enabling. And let him.
I let him do what he needed to do for HIM, without one thought of ME
It's up to us to take care of ourselves first.
Does it hurt not to have him in my life? You bet it does, but it's TRUE love when you let them swim or sink on their own.
Three C's sweetie,,
You did not CAUSE it
You can't CONTROL it
You can't CURE it
You CAN take care or you,,,,
Give yourself PERMISSION to laugh and have fun,,,you DESERVE it
Peace
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
first, happy birthday!!
i can completely relate to what you've been saying. and you're right, the ball is in his court. he knows where to find you, he knows what he has to do to get you back. my ex did the same thing, and there's more drama than that with us, but i keep hoping we're going to get back together... but that's only what i want. i don't want to make someone feel like they have to be with me... and i want to be with someone who is going to respect me and appreciate what i have to offer.
he'll come around if it was meant to be. he'll fight for you just like you deserve, and if he doesn't, it may hurt for awhile, but you'll find someone who will.
i can completely relate to what you've been saying. and you're right, the ball is in his court. he knows where to find you, he knows what he has to do to get you back. my ex did the same thing, and there's more drama than that with us, but i keep hoping we're going to get back together... but that's only what i want. i don't want to make someone feel like they have to be with me... and i want to be with someone who is going to respect me and appreciate what i have to offer.
he'll come around if it was meant to be. he'll fight for you just like you deserve, and if he doesn't, it may hurt for awhile, but you'll find someone who will.
Live, Laugh, Love
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
Thank you for the kind words. We have been together 9 months, 3 drinking and 6 without. I'm not losing hope but i guess i should put him on the back burner for a bit while he has put me there. Just easier said than done i'm crushed, lost 12 lbs. in 2 weeks, crying constantly.....i truly believe nothing will ever work out for me, i've come to that conclusion. Maybe i'm wrong but no one has proven otherwise so far.
i'm crushed, lost 12 lbs. in 2 weeks, crying constantly.....i truly believe nothing will ever work out for me, i've come to that conclusion. Maybe i'm wrong but no one has proven otherwise so far.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
(((((hbb)))))))
Breakups just plain SUCK!!!!!
Let yourself FEEL the anger, pain and hell, noone ever died from crying,,,he,he,he
It's part of the grieving process.
AND part of the healing process
When I was/am going through those "down" day, I think of the very BEST part,,it forces ME to focus on ME. Before you know it, I was getting off that PITY POT and asking myelf, what I wanted for MYSELF. Good thing too,,,I was getting quite the ring around my arse
Time sweet thing, and maybe a choclate ice cream cone,,,,before you waste away to NOTHING
Peace
Breakups just plain SUCK!!!!!
Let yourself FEEL the anger, pain and hell, noone ever died from crying,,,he,he,he
It's part of the grieving process.
AND part of the healing process
When I was/am going through those "down" day, I think of the very BEST part,,it forces ME to focus on ME. Before you know it, I was getting off that PITY POT and asking myelf, what I wanted for MYSELF. Good thing too,,,I was getting quite the ring around my arse
Time sweet thing, and maybe a choclate ice cream cone,,,,before you waste away to NOTHING
Peace
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