Major Relapse...For ME!
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Jacksonville, FL
Posts: 240
Major Relapse...For ME!
Oh how I wish someone from this wise board could just pop by my house and give me a good smack up against my head that I so desperately need. Please! Knock some God-given sense into my thick skull.
I've been doing so well. My AH was d/c from rehab on Thursday. He spent Thursday and Friday here to help me with some work around the house. He left on Saturday afternoon to go back to his Mom's. Our "plan" was that he would continue to stay there and go to meetings, get a part-time job and work on his recovery. And then, who knows (for our marriage). He started drinking again on Sunday, was supposed to go back to rehab today and instead left his Mother's in Daytona Beach and is, as we speak, headed to Tampa. He says he's going to stay there for a while, and of course won't tell me with who (though he does have highschool friends and family there), and then he's off to... the Bahamas!?! What?!? He says he has a job there. Now this just chaps my ass. He's skipping off to the Carribbean while I'm left here to REALLY work my ass off to take care of the financial mess he has left me with!?! Rationally, I know none of this will happen as he's still drinking, but I'm just hurt. He hasn't even been drinking (yet) today and he goes on and on with his blaming me for his relapse this weekend and that he should have never come back to the house, blah, blah, blah. I swear he is more cruel when he's sober.
I've been doing so well. I don't know why I'm so bothered all of a sudden. He's just doing what he always does, run from his problems, hoping that they won't follow him.
I KNOW I need to divorce this man. I've really come to accept that decision in the past couple of months. I was not even happy to have him around this weekend for only 2 days. He was just whiney and needy and REALLY annoying. Why am I not kissing the ground that he's gone? I feel like all the progress that I made is gone. I'm sitting here crying over this idiot, which I haven't done in weeks. I don't know who he is at all anymore. And maybe that's a good thing.
I just want all of this to be over. I'm so sick and tired of thinking about / talking about his freakin alcoholism and problems. As my screen name says, WHAT ABOUT ME?
Thanks for listening.
I've been doing so well. My AH was d/c from rehab on Thursday. He spent Thursday and Friday here to help me with some work around the house. He left on Saturday afternoon to go back to his Mom's. Our "plan" was that he would continue to stay there and go to meetings, get a part-time job and work on his recovery. And then, who knows (for our marriage). He started drinking again on Sunday, was supposed to go back to rehab today and instead left his Mother's in Daytona Beach and is, as we speak, headed to Tampa. He says he's going to stay there for a while, and of course won't tell me with who (though he does have highschool friends and family there), and then he's off to... the Bahamas!?! What?!? He says he has a job there. Now this just chaps my ass. He's skipping off to the Carribbean while I'm left here to REALLY work my ass off to take care of the financial mess he has left me with!?! Rationally, I know none of this will happen as he's still drinking, but I'm just hurt. He hasn't even been drinking (yet) today and he goes on and on with his blaming me for his relapse this weekend and that he should have never come back to the house, blah, blah, blah. I swear he is more cruel when he's sober.
I've been doing so well. I don't know why I'm so bothered all of a sudden. He's just doing what he always does, run from his problems, hoping that they won't follow him.
I KNOW I need to divorce this man. I've really come to accept that decision in the past couple of months. I was not even happy to have him around this weekend for only 2 days. He was just whiney and needy and REALLY annoying. Why am I not kissing the ground that he's gone? I feel like all the progress that I made is gone. I'm sitting here crying over this idiot, which I haven't done in weeks. I don't know who he is at all anymore. And maybe that's a good thing.
I just want all of this to be over. I'm so sick and tired of thinking about / talking about his freakin alcoholism and problems. As my screen name says, WHAT ABOUT ME?
Thanks for listening.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
((((hon))))
Sometimes we have to shown the same thing over and over again until we get the message.
Perhaps now is the time to go and speak with a lawyer?
Oh, and "sober"? Ya think? Just because he doesn't have a glass in his hand right at that particular second, doesn't mean he's sober.
Sometimes we have to shown the same thing over and over again until we get the message.
Perhaps now is the time to go and speak with a lawyer?
Oh, and "sober"? Ya think? Just because he doesn't have a glass in his hand right at that particular second, doesn't mean he's sober.
A work in progress....
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
Posts: 1,018
Don't be so hard on yourself. It took me YEARS to get this thing even close to right!
Take a deep breath and do a Scarlett O'Hara: "tomorrow is another day...."
You are going to be OK!
Take a deep breath and do a Scarlett O'Hara: "tomorrow is another day...."
You are going to be OK!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Jacksonville, FL
Posts: 240
Perhaps now is the time to go and speak with a lawyer?
(This truly breaks my heart because we have both always been huge animal lovers. We have 4 dogs and 3 cats and he could care less about them right now.) I just need to finish the paperwork. Of course, who knows where he'll end up now and I need his notarized signature on all of the forms. And now if he can't appear in court...I don't know how that will affect the proceedings.I feel...unfinished. I know there have been alot of threads here about closure and I know there will never be any type of satisfactory closure to our relationship. I just feel stuck, if that makes sense.
Let the head smacks begin!
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by WhatAboutME 
I started filling them out and stopped at the Financial Affidavidt because it's long and I didn't have all the information I needed. He "says" he won't contest the divorce. We don't have children and I don't want a penny from him, not that he has one to spare anyway.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Jacksonville, FL
Posts: 240
Seven years. I have basically agreed to continue to pay the balance on all of my personal credit cards that are soley in my name/SSN and our joint credit card which was used to buy appliances for our current house. I figure if I'm living in the house, I should pay for the appliances I'm using. I'm paying for the house and my car (which is actually in his name). He has an AmEx card which he pays in full each month and he just opened a high interest loan account in his name, which is how he's living right now. We really don't have much debt, jointly or individually, thank God.
I don't want anything from him. I am fully ammendable to splitting the proceeds of the sale of our house when I sell it, which would probably be within 2 years. I'll keep the dogs. He can see them, if he wants, when he's sober. I don't think he'll fight me on anything. He just doesn't care right now.
Filling out the paperwork and filing it with the court is really what I need to do to stay on track. If I keep waiting, I'm still married and still able to be sucked back in. I know what I need to do, I just need to do it. No excuses. This is not a marriage, it is a living nightmare. It is my prision.
I don't want anything from him. I am fully ammendable to splitting the proceeds of the sale of our house when I sell it, which would probably be within 2 years. I'll keep the dogs. He can see them, if he wants, when he's sober. I don't think he'll fight me on anything. He just doesn't care right now.
Filling out the paperwork and filing it with the court is really what I need to do to stay on track. If I keep waiting, I'm still married and still able to be sucked back in. I know what I need to do, I just need to do it. No excuses. This is not a marriage, it is a living nightmare. It is my prision.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
A lawyer would probably give you a free hour's consult. I don't know Florida laws, but if you were married when he took out that loan, you could be responsible.
I just want to share that I thought AH would also not put up a fight. It is, bluntly, a nightmare. For example, he has run up close to a thousand dollars in legal fees insisting I return the Doc Martens I stole from him. He could have bought 10 new pairs with that money. It is the insanity of the alcoholic, and I am very grateful I had those who had gone before me willing to share the crazy stuff that went on. Never, never, never, in a million years would I have believed he would behave this way.
Good luck and stay strong. I hope your settlement is peaceful. ((()))
I just want to share that I thought AH would also not put up a fight. It is, bluntly, a nightmare. For example, he has run up close to a thousand dollars in legal fees insisting I return the Doc Martens I stole from him. He could have bought 10 new pairs with that money. It is the insanity of the alcoholic, and I am very grateful I had those who had gone before me willing to share the crazy stuff that went on. Never, never, never, in a million years would I have believed he would behave this way.
Good luck and stay strong. I hope your settlement is peaceful. ((()))
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
Wow, it almost makes me want to be an alcoholic. I've never been to the Bahamas. They certainly can network their way to some pretty nice locations. Why am I reminded of a stone skipping the surface? What a ride but we all know that the stone sinks at the end.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
wam.....it took me several times of filing for divorce before i finally went through with it. then i married him again!!! yee---gaaddddssss!!!!!!!! talk about needing a head whacking.
mine ran like the wind, too. we had no assets together which made my self filing divorce papers a breeze. and he was a runner. so trying to track him down to get signatures would have been futile. i filed the type that you don't have to have his signature.
but just like denny said.....i found out in court that i can be responsible for any of his debts that were incurred during our marriage.
i would have to pay them off if forced to, then get a small claims judgement against him.
don't be so hard on yourself....they really are like a freaky tornado, aren't they???? just whirl into our lives and sling their crazy $hit everywhere, and we are just spinning in circles trying to catch some of it, almost trying to believe their crazy spewings, and then poof!!!!!.....they're gone. and we have to bring in the dump trucks to haul out all their garbage they left behind while they spin off to the caribbeans!!! it's almost funny.
mine ran like the wind, too. we had no assets together which made my self filing divorce papers a breeze. and he was a runner. so trying to track him down to get signatures would have been futile. i filed the type that you don't have to have his signature.
but just like denny said.....i found out in court that i can be responsible for any of his debts that were incurred during our marriage.
i would have to pay them off if forced to, then get a small claims judgement against him.
don't be so hard on yourself....they really are like a freaky tornado, aren't they???? just whirl into our lives and sling their crazy $hit everywhere, and we are just spinning in circles trying to catch some of it, almost trying to believe their crazy spewings, and then poof!!!!!.....they're gone. and we have to bring in the dump trucks to haul out all their garbage they left behind while they spin off to the caribbeans!!! it's almost funny.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
You know you could divorce him on grounds of desertion.
Check out the desertion laws in your state, some how I doubt that his signature would be required for a thing, just do not let any one know once you file the papers and once the required time passes your divorce is final!
Check out the desertion laws in your state, some how I doubt that his signature would be required for a thing, just do not let any one know once you file the papers and once the required time passes your divorce is final!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Jacksonville, FL
Posts: 240
He truly is a nut. The drama continues. He sees nothing wrong with just running off. As far as our debts, I was under the assumption that we can agree in a signed, notarized affidavidt what we will each be responsible for without asking the judge to "assign" financial responsibility for liabilities. The high-interest loan he took out, he did that after we were seperated. I don't see how I could possibly be responsible for that in anyway. I didn't even know about the loan until after the fact and my name and/or SSN is not on the paperwork anywhere.
This is a mess.
This is a mess.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
File enough paperwork to protect yourself financially from any obligations of his moving forward. I've done divorce pro per for myself and several others. It's easy to do as long as you file the right forms. Borders books or Nolo Press online have books telling you how to do it.We've heard the def. of insanity "doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results." Stop the insanity. So sorry that "you know it is time for a divorce" That is never easy to know it is the end and there is nothing left that you can do to change the outcome. It takes time to get our equilibrium back and I know it hurts like hell when a marriage ends. We know pain is our best teacher, but it doesn't feel that way while we are in it.Don't forget to have some fun while you deal with the wreckage. Best wishes for a little peace now.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Spritual Seeker
Don't forget to have some fun while you deal with the wreckage.
This is excellent advice!
Originally Posted by Spritual Seeker
Don't forget to have some fun while you deal with the wreckage.
This is excellent advice!
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Jacksonville, FL
Posts: 240
So I've decided that I really don't feel comfortable trying to fill out all of these forms by myself to file for the divorce. I got a referral from the court for a local legal service. I just spent about 45 minutes on the phone with a counselor. They charge $225 to fill out the paperwork. The court charges an additional $365 to process the paperwork. If I could get him back to where I live and go the legal services office, SOBER, we could fill out all of the paperwork, including stipulations about how we will divide assets and liabilities, and both sign. He could even sign a waiver to appear in court with me at the proceedings. It would only take a few hours, and then he could be done with me. The whole thing could be done in about 2 months. I
If he continues to run...I have to pay $50 every time he is served, and if I can't find him, I have to pay $150 to run an ad in the paper searching for his whereabouts. I guess all of this constitues reasonable effort to locate him. If I put the paperwork together without him and he is served and disputes the paperwork, another $225 to redo the paperwork. And on, and on, and on. It could cost me thousands of dollars and take up to 2 years!
I spoke with him just a while ago. He doesn't sound like he has drank yet today, but he was clearly hung over and miserable. I stayed calm and said if this is truly what you want, if you want to run off to the Bahamas or whereever, then just give me the courtesy of a few hours of your time to file this paperwork correctly to save me money I don't really have, and both of us the time of a drawn out divorce. I explained that in just a few hours we can both clearly state to the legal aide what we agree to in the divorce and sign the paperwork and be done. Well, he can be done. And then the two year old emerges, "Well why shouldn't I run off to the Bahamas? You're going to Las Vegas with that *****!" Yeah, they're the same thing. I give up. I just spoke with his Mother whom I remain quite close with, and she said that she and his Dad will both try to talk some sense into him when he sobers up to do the right thing in terms of ending this marriage before he runs off.
I have been through enough with this man. How is there not a bit of sense or compassion left in his body to give me the courtesy of ending this nightmare so I (we both) can move on. Is that too much to ask for? After all he has put me through, including running off with some hooch from rehab a few months ago. Good grief. This IS a marriage, from a legal definition anyway. He can't just break up with me through a note that he passes in study hall. You know, the rehab he was just d/c from did a psychological profile on him and found that he had the emotional maturity of a 16 year old. Ya think?
If he continues to run...I have to pay $50 every time he is served, and if I can't find him, I have to pay $150 to run an ad in the paper searching for his whereabouts. I guess all of this constitues reasonable effort to locate him. If I put the paperwork together without him and he is served and disputes the paperwork, another $225 to redo the paperwork. And on, and on, and on. It could cost me thousands of dollars and take up to 2 years!
I spoke with him just a while ago. He doesn't sound like he has drank yet today, but he was clearly hung over and miserable. I stayed calm and said if this is truly what you want, if you want to run off to the Bahamas or whereever, then just give me the courtesy of a few hours of your time to file this paperwork correctly to save me money I don't really have, and both of us the time of a drawn out divorce. I explained that in just a few hours we can both clearly state to the legal aide what we agree to in the divorce and sign the paperwork and be done. Well, he can be done. And then the two year old emerges, "Well why shouldn't I run off to the Bahamas? You're going to Las Vegas with that *****!" Yeah, they're the same thing. I give up. I just spoke with his Mother whom I remain quite close with, and she said that she and his Dad will both try to talk some sense into him when he sobers up to do the right thing in terms of ending this marriage before he runs off.
I have been through enough with this man. How is there not a bit of sense or compassion left in his body to give me the courtesy of ending this nightmare so I (we both) can move on. Is that too much to ask for? After all he has put me through, including running off with some hooch from rehab a few months ago. Good grief. This IS a marriage, from a legal definition anyway. He can't just break up with me through a note that he passes in study hall. You know, the rehab he was just d/c from did a psychological profile on him and found that he had the emotional maturity of a 16 year old. Ya think?
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
(((WAM))) Yep, same here. I think with AH his therapist said 17-18 years old. What stunned me for awhile is the fact AH was the one who filed for divorce, and here he is 18 months later still dragging it out. Feel free to PM me anytime.
My best suggestion right now (based on experience LOL) is to try to move past the analyzing of his behavior as quickly as possible and get down to the business of it. I still have my moments, but once I accepted this is just how it is, I was better able to get through it (so far :-) ) Try not to expect rational thinking, caring, etc. from someone still actively drinking.
Be nice to yourself through it all - that vacation will be a godsend.
((()))
My best suggestion right now (based on experience LOL) is to try to move past the analyzing of his behavior as quickly as possible and get down to the business of it. I still have my moments, but once I accepted this is just how it is, I was better able to get through it (so far :-) ) Try not to expect rational thinking, caring, etc. from someone still actively drinking.
Be nice to yourself through it all - that vacation will be a godsend.
((()))
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