hbb

Hi, my boyfriend is 6 months sober and it seems everything has come crashing down, he feels empty and he said he needs some space and a break to clear his head and deal with the guilt and the past on his own without my help. We have been together 9 months total, it's been about a week and a half and not sure if i'm doing the correct thing. We have had no contact. I'm just wondering if this is a typical occurrance that he's going through and how long before I should contact him. He says he wants a future but can't the way he's feeling right now. He's going to meetings, talking to a sponsor and belongs to a group. I just feel helpless and wondering if i'm doing the correct thing by staying away. Any help would be much appreciated. Thank you.

minnie

Hon, if he says he wants some space, then it would be respectful to give him what he asks.

In the meantime, this would be a great chance for you to get some help for yourself. Have you thought of getting some counselling or going to al-anon meetings?

hbb

Thank you so much for that information, i feel in my heart i'm doing the right thing but not sure if it's his easy way out. I wouldn't imagine so if he said he didn't feel like it's over. Just hard to wait. I have been seeking Al Anon and AA meetings myself but find i'm trying to figure out what he's feeling so if we have a second chance that i can help him. But like he said he didn't like himself so i guess i should try to get myself better for me as well. I'm sooooo confused and its sooo hard to not call him, i know he's so lonely and depressed.

prodigal

I'm sure it must be difficult for you to go through this no-contact period. But you're spending your time trying to figure out what he's feeling so you can help him. How about trying to figure out why you need to know what he's feeling? There are other ways to support him. Actually, I don't think I have the ability to get inside someone's head and figure them out. But I do have the ability to respect their wishes and allow them the dignity to figure themselves out.

I know you have good intentions and want to be there for him. But he has to deal with his own lonliness and depression, just as you have to deal with your own emotions during this time. Chances are, you'll be able to have a better relationship if you let him work his program and you work your's.

loveRoy

You can't fix him. He will either sink or swim. If he sinks, make sure you don't go down with him. Always remember, you can't swim for him. These are little tidbits that I tell myself everyday. In my opinion, no contact is the only way. Keep reading and keep posting. We are here for you. Stay strong.

hbb

Thank you, this is all new for me and i'm trying to do the right thing. I believe him and what he has said, it's just the waiting period has been sooo long for me. I should dive into Al Anon even though i'm having trouble understanding it. I just want things to be good and we can be happy for a very long time.

parentrecovers

nice to meet you, and welcome. you didn't cause his addiction, and you can't cure it or control it. give yourself a break and go to alanon. nothing you do is going to change his choices or recovery. blessings, and keep posting - k

dobiediva

I agree. He asked for the space, you should give it to him. This is a tough time in their recovery and the fewer distractions the better if it is going to be successful. If you feel like having "contact" without interferring in his space forward him a funny email that you've received (not something you've written to him) Something simple and stupid like that lets him know you still think about him but you are respecting his wishes. He will call if and when he is ready. You should also prepare for the "what ifs" to help YOU in case it doesn't work out.

Free At Last

Oh sweetie. I think I wrote that same post two years ago. YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING. Mine has 11 years clean. I wanted to help and see him and on and on. He is telling you he cannot. he is emotionally bankrupt and trust me he has nothing to give. No contact was the only way it worked. it hurt so much. But one day i finally asked myself what am I holding onto. NOTHING he was not there. I was waiting but that was all. Blow up this site with every question tear and fear you have. The people on this forum will become your angels they have become mine. I have gone through this with my bf time and time again. He needs the space. he cannot offer you what you need. He cannot see it. Although it seem sselfish so is the addict. SAD ! yes I know. And it will hurt. But trust in GOD read and read go to meetings FOCUS ON YOU! If he stays sober and finds himself in all this and truly wants that future he will come to you. I kept thinking if I vanished he would forget and find someone else. LET HIM! If thats what he wants it is not for you to change. You do not call! Focus on you and have your life. You will wake up one day and realize how much time has passed. He has a lot to go through still. He will ask for your help he may freak out and say but you said you loved me. If you love him back off. Let him come to you. And that does not mean in a month. You will know it you will hear it when he hands you his speech if he is ready. If it excuse after excuse. And nt I realize and words like path healthy program fellowship says things that he has learned in the rooms he did not learn it. Rememebr how manipulative that can be. So concentrate on you know what you want who you are. There is a very tiny bookk at barnes and nobles in the recpvery section it is green and a book of prayers. Got me through everyday. Some harder than others. But you work on you and trust that God has a plan there is a higher power You will survive and you will be ok. And I agree about the what if's but acknowledge them have a plan and move on. He should be in recovery for a year before a relationship. Read what he reads if helps you to understand read the big book go to an aa meeting or two. it helped me understand and did not fear so much I could move on with me. I realized how this was not as simple as I wanted it be. I heard these peoples stories and realized how scared they were and alone. If you are not there he may not feel like you can understand. I tried to help my MISS CODY!!!! and made it worse You won't understand because hon hey don't even understand. Find a meeting or work this site and you will in time find a peace BEst wishes
FREE