unwanted advances
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: oh
Posts: 757
unwanted advances
okay, ah thinks now that he has said the right things that things are just supposed to be the way they were before. it has been his pattern before to say and do the right thing to be able to have sex with me and then he goes right back to his same behavior.
well, i have changed and i have come too far in my own recovery to go back now. i don't want to have sex with him right now. i just don't have those feelings towards him at all. how could i?
but then i feel cruel or guilty because i am denying him pleasure
and i am not doing it to hurt him or out of anger. i am doing it because it is what i feel i need to do for me- to keep myself emotionally stable and secure because, honestly, i just can't keep doing the same things anymore. if i allowed him into "my space" right now and the same things happened again it would honestly hurt me.
so, question is, how do you handle the unwanted advances? i tried to explain some of my feelings to him, but he doesn't understand.
well, i have changed and i have come too far in my own recovery to go back now. i don't want to have sex with him right now. i just don't have those feelings towards him at all. how could i?
but then i feel cruel or guilty because i am denying him pleasure
and i am not doing it to hurt him or out of anger. i am doing it because it is what i feel i need to do for me- to keep myself emotionally stable and secure because, honestly, i just can't keep doing the same things anymore. if i allowed him into "my space" right now and the same things happened again it would honestly hurt me.so, question is, how do you handle the unwanted advances? i tried to explain some of my feelings to him, but he doesn't understand.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Jacksonville, FL
Posts: 240
I don't have any advice for you. My AH does the same exact thing. I just push him away and ask him if he's nuts. It's amazing how they think that they can say all the right things, go a few days without drinking themselves into oblivion and we should just fall over backwards with our legs in the air. Sorry to be so blunt, but this is a serious issue for us as well. Then he sulks and blames me for his inevitable relapse because I'm so cold and don't show him any affection. Whatever.
Stay strong. You're doing great!
Stay strong. You're doing great!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
well, mine could always talk the bark right offa the tree. until, he crossed the line during one of his rehabs and made nicey with another woman.
so after that, i hissed at him like a snake....literally....when he made advances.
i'm divorced now.
p.ssssssssss. but in my case, that is a very good thing.
so after that, i hissed at him like a snake....literally....when he made advances.
i'm divorced now.
p.ssssssssss. but in my case, that is a very good thing.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
It doesn't really matter if he understands or not. You can explain how you feel--once-- and leave it at that. I once told my husband that I couldn't hear his words anymore because his actions were drowning them out. He didn't get it. It didn't matter.
A lot of times when I do what is right for me, other people don't understand. And I've discovered that what others think about what I do doesn't really matter so much.
If you keep saying no, hopefully, he will quit trying. I know how difficult it is. Your situation reminds me very much of mine a couple of years ago. It was one of those situations that hurt so much it finally became the incentive for me to end it. (((())))
L
A lot of times when I do what is right for me, other people don't understand. And I've discovered that what others think about what I do doesn't really matter so much.
If you keep saying no, hopefully, he will quit trying. I know how difficult it is. Your situation reminds me very much of mine a couple of years ago. It was one of those situations that hurt so much it finally became the incentive for me to end it. (((())))
L
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Being a guy...Our sex drive is a strong physical drive and the many jokes about what brain we think with... well as I said it is a very strong drive within us.
To use sex as a weapon would be wrong.
To with hold sex because you just don't feel right about it... we need to have it explained every time. We won't like it but over time we will start to understand.
One important piece of info that I was given that helped me understand women a little more... Guys get over things in a moment...women need time. It is hard for us to grasp the differences between us (both sides).
My best understanding... A woman needs a friend that will listen. For a friend to say...I am not in the mood. I don't want to listen right now. Stop bothering me, I said no.
A man being told no sex can be taken the same way. We need to have it explained every time.
There is a TV commercial. A guy calls a girl and the girl says...I told you don't call me anymore. The guy says...but that was yesterday and I am now calling you with my new phone, it isn't the old phone like yesterday. Yes we can be the simple minded when blinded by such a strong drive.
Each time ...till we get it (understand it) we may need be explained it again.
I know that was yesterday but I still feel the same today...try again next week.
Viva La Difference is something I can now say once I learned to get past my poutie face ways.
To use sex as a weapon would be wrong.
To with hold sex because you just don't feel right about it... we need to have it explained every time. We won't like it but over time we will start to understand.
One important piece of info that I was given that helped me understand women a little more... Guys get over things in a moment...women need time. It is hard for us to grasp the differences between us (both sides).
My best understanding... A woman needs a friend that will listen. For a friend to say...I am not in the mood. I don't want to listen right now. Stop bothering me, I said no.
A man being told no sex can be taken the same way. We need to have it explained every time.
There is a TV commercial. A guy calls a girl and the girl says...I told you don't call me anymore. The guy says...but that was yesterday and I am now calling you with my new phone, it isn't the old phone like yesterday. Yes we can be the simple minded when blinded by such a strong drive.
Each time ...till we get it (understand it) we may need be explained it again.
I know that was yesterday but I still feel the same today...try again next week.
Viva La Difference is something I can now say once I learned to get past my poutie face ways.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Anchorage, AK
Posts: 221
If you don't want it, you don't want it. Period. All you have to do is say no--no explanation required. He is a big boy, I am sure he will eventually understand. As for you feeling guilty for denying him pleasure, what kind of pleasure is he giving you?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
i tried to explain some of my feelings to him, but he doesn't understand.
It's more about a lack of consideration for your needs (emotional and physical) than his and whether he is willing to care about that. I can explain something a hundred ways to somebody- but if they are unwilling to really listen the communcation problem belongs to them. It seems as if he sees this as a reward for doing what he's supposed to do anyway.
What anka said...your 'no' says what you mean. It's not a hard word to understand.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
This was a huge issue for me with my ex - in fact, his first post on SR was basically to gather support to show me I was wrong in denying him sex. He also told me that his counsellor had said that it was abusive of me to with-hold and that sex should be part of his recovery (bleuch!). When I think back, I don't know how I didn't throw him out on his ear right there and then, however it just shows how sick I was.
I refuse to be a masturbatory tool for anyone.(At least not in person ;-, I have yet to find a way to control someone's mind.)). The fact that someone can think that it is OK to badger me in that way saddens and disgusts me and shows that they cannot see me as anything but an object for their own purposes. I love sex, providing it is mutually desired. Anything else is moving into the realms of rape or prostitution.
I do think that men and women see sex in different terms very often. And understandably so, given the different ways or brains work, but also the fact that there is a not so subtle power play going on because of the mechanics. Having made myself vulnerable and having had those vulnerabilities exploited, why would I feel comfortable about being being "taken" by the same person. It is not just that I see sex as an expression of love, which I usually do, but also because there is an element of "giving myself" which I find impossible if I have been walked all over outside of the bedroom. My ex saw sex as a means of proving his worth, his ability to be accepted and believed that as long as we were having sex, then everything was alright.
I could (and probably should) talk about this all night. Hope I haven't offended by being direct, but it is not easy to discuss without some frankness.
I refuse to be a masturbatory tool for anyone.(At least not in person ;-, I have yet to find a way to control someone's mind.)). The fact that someone can think that it is OK to badger me in that way saddens and disgusts me and shows that they cannot see me as anything but an object for their own purposes. I love sex, providing it is mutually desired. Anything else is moving into the realms of rape or prostitution.
I do think that men and women see sex in different terms very often. And understandably so, given the different ways or brains work, but also the fact that there is a not so subtle power play going on because of the mechanics. Having made myself vulnerable and having had those vulnerabilities exploited, why would I feel comfortable about being being "taken" by the same person. It is not just that I see sex as an expression of love, which I usually do, but also because there is an element of "giving myself" which I find impossible if I have been walked all over outside of the bedroom. My ex saw sex as a means of proving his worth, his ability to be accepted and believed that as long as we were having sex, then everything was alright.
I could (and probably should) talk about this all night. Hope I haven't offended by being direct, but it is not easy to discuss without some frankness.
A work in progress....
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
Posts: 1,018
Originally Posted by WhatAboutME 
Then he sulks and blames me for his inevitable relapse because I'm so cold and don't show him any affection. Whatever.
I heard him snorting the stuff down the back of his throat; I tasted the dope in his mouth. Made me want to vomit. The next night he had to "run to Walmart" (how many times have we all heard that one???) and didn't come back til sometime in the early morning.
I confronted him with the fact that the thing that supposedly drove him to use was me not having sex with him so how come he was using; he said that the sex 'didn't mean anything to him'.
That's good, because it was the last time he ever touched me. He lives with his mama now. After all, he's only 53!!
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
I forgot to mention something.
Just to show how much my ex used sex as a power trip, he actually proposed whilst we were having sex. And, sick bunny that I was, I accepted. A few months later we were at a friend's wedding and seated at a table with people we didn't know that well. I went to the loo and when I came back, the guy next to me said "R just told us all how he proposed to you. That was so romantic!". Well, I wish the floor could have opened up and swallowed me. I couldn't believe that he had told them. He hadn't - he had made up some story about getting down on one knee when we were out for the day at a local beauty spot.
See? Power plays all the way. Issues about sex are not in isolation to other issues that are going on.
Just to show how much my ex used sex as a power trip, he actually proposed whilst we were having sex. And, sick bunny that I was, I accepted. A few months later we were at a friend's wedding and seated at a table with people we didn't know that well. I went to the loo and when I came back, the guy next to me said "R just told us all how he proposed to you. That was so romantic!". Well, I wish the floor could have opened up and swallowed me. I couldn't believe that he had told them. He hadn't - he had made up some story about getting down on one knee when we were out for the day at a local beauty spot.
See? Power plays all the way. Issues about sex are not in isolation to other issues that are going on.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Best, he was nearly wearing the wedding cake.
I can laugh about it now. I laugh at myself that I was so naive as to think that it was OK to cover it up. I so wish I had taken the opportunity to use the MC's microphone, but I don't think the bride and groom would have been too pleased. Although, what's a wedding without a bit of drama?
I can laugh about it now. I laugh at myself that I was so naive as to think that it was OK to cover it up. I so wish I had taken the opportunity to use the MC's microphone, but I don't think the bride and groom would have been too pleased. Although, what's a wedding without a bit of drama?
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
Mine never wanted sex when he was drunk
He was drunk most of the time
I never had to worry bout him throwing out them "unwanted advances"
The thing that tweeked me was him touching me. He'd be all drunk and wanting to lay all over me, or spoon with me, or whatever, and I'd tell him "you STINK" Get away from me,,
I agree with Best, had to tell him EVERY time
LOL
Peace
He was drunk most of the time
I never had to worry bout him throwing out them "unwanted advances"
The thing that tweeked me was him touching me. He'd be all drunk and wanting to lay all over me, or spoon with me, or whatever, and I'd tell him "you STINK" Get away from me,,
I agree with Best, had to tell him EVERY time
LOLPeace
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: oh
Posts: 757
boy am i glad i didn't fall for this one ! it is amazing how quickly he went back to drinking when he found out he couldn't manipulate or control me with his "i'm done" ploy. right back to the same behaviour not just drinking but attitude also.
i even explained to him that i didn't know what he expected and that i have come too far in my recovery and am doing a pretty good job of detachment and if i were to let him into "my space" right now and things didn't change it would hurt me.
thanks for keeping me strong!
i even explained to him that i didn't know what he expected and that i have come too far in my recovery and am doing a pretty good job of detachment and if i were to let him into "my space" right now and things didn't change it would hurt me.
thanks for keeping me strong!
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
When I realized the marriage was dead outside the bedroom, all bets were off inside the bedroom. I sleep on the other side of the house; quite happily, I might add. He only made two attempts to get into bed with me and each attempt was met with a definitive "NO." End of story.
Maybe I got lucky, because I have not had to make repeated attempts at "no" or offer any further explanation. I think part of my luck stems from the fact that he's so fried at this point, he's pretty much lost his sex drive. Fine by me. It got to the point that it was nothing more than a meaningless physical act. No love. No emotional intimacy. No "connection." I have no expectations of bells ringing and the heavens parting anymore. He's an addict. If he has some overwhelming sexual urge, he can satisfy it all by himself.
Maybe I got lucky, because I have not had to make repeated attempts at "no" or offer any further explanation. I think part of my luck stems from the fact that he's so fried at this point, he's pretty much lost his sex drive. Fine by me. It got to the point that it was nothing more than a meaningless physical act. No love. No emotional intimacy. No "connection." I have no expectations of bells ringing and the heavens parting anymore. He's an addict. If he has some overwhelming sexual urge, he can satisfy it all by himself.
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Posts: 261
OMG!!!
I was just thinking of posting this same thing.. so your post I will be lurking into.
My AH and I are going through the same thing right not. I cant stand the smell and snorking in his sleep anymore. He even sleeps in his clothes he wears and it takes a couple of days to change.... same thing with hygine.
thanks so much for your post.. I will be watching.
Missy xo
I was just thinking of posting this same thing.. so your post I will be lurking into.
My AH and I are going through the same thing right not. I cant stand the smell and snorking in his sleep anymore. He even sleeps in his clothes he wears and it takes a couple of days to change.... same thing with hygine.
thanks so much for your post.. I will be watching.
Missy xo
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