"Stop Being Surprised"
A work in progress....
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
Posts: 1,018
chero,
Bless your sweet heart, what you are going through is so tough! It just stinks to keep getting hurt over and over again. You just have to learn not to let him do that to you anymore. He is what he is, and reality is that he is an A. He really is just doing what A's do.
It took me so many years to get to the point that I was really finished with my ex, for good, that when I let myself think about it I can find myself feeling like a real idiot.
Every time I left, I obsessed about how much HE hurt, how lonely HE was (because after all he needed me so desperately.....) etc, etc. Never ever thought about me or my kids or what was truly best for us. I went back several times. I got surprised over and over and over again.
I really did pretty much hate him last summer when this all went down for the final time. My 85-yr-old dad, who I dearly loved, was lying in the hospital dying of cancer, and all my ex cared about was that I wasn't meeting HIS needs because I was taking care of my dad (and my mom). Suddenly I saw my ex with different eyes, and I didn't like what I saw.
I especially hated him when he turned his venom on our oldest son when son confronted him about his drug use. Funny, he didn't say anything any worse to son than he had to me. But it sure sounded different to my ears when it was directed at my child.
The hate and the anger actually served a purpose, for me at least. Those emotions finally got me to the point of taking action in a positive way. Not as a reaction to his behavior, but as ACTION to protect myself and my kids.
After we seperated, I was surprised a couple of times by some of the things he did. Like accusing me of being on drugs to some of my friends. And telling our oldest son that I just got pregnant (3X!!!) to save our marriage. And throwing up to me things in my life that had really hurt me and that I had shared with him-even to the point that he told other people those things and used them as some sort of justification (in his mind) for the fact that I filed for divorce.
The hate is gone now, and most of the anger is, too. I still feel resentful sometimes over the way he treats our boys, but I don't *expect* him to be any different and it no longer surprises me.
What does really surprise me is what I feel when I see him now. Basically nothing. Pity, if anything, for the things he has missed and continues to miss in the lives of his children. It is just a sad, sad way to live your life. I am ever-so-thankful that God finally opened my eyes to the truth.
Hang in there, you will get there!
Bless your sweet heart, what you are going through is so tough! It just stinks to keep getting hurt over and over again. You just have to learn not to let him do that to you anymore. He is what he is, and reality is that he is an A. He really is just doing what A's do.
It took me so many years to get to the point that I was really finished with my ex, for good, that when I let myself think about it I can find myself feeling like a real idiot.
Every time I left, I obsessed about how much HE hurt, how lonely HE was (because after all he needed me so desperately.....) etc, etc. Never ever thought about me or my kids or what was truly best for us. I went back several times. I got surprised over and over and over again.
I really did pretty much hate him last summer when this all went down for the final time. My 85-yr-old dad, who I dearly loved, was lying in the hospital dying of cancer, and all my ex cared about was that I wasn't meeting HIS needs because I was taking care of my dad (and my mom). Suddenly I saw my ex with different eyes, and I didn't like what I saw.
I especially hated him when he turned his venom on our oldest son when son confronted him about his drug use. Funny, he didn't say anything any worse to son than he had to me. But it sure sounded different to my ears when it was directed at my child.
The hate and the anger actually served a purpose, for me at least. Those emotions finally got me to the point of taking action in a positive way. Not as a reaction to his behavior, but as ACTION to protect myself and my kids.
After we seperated, I was surprised a couple of times by some of the things he did. Like accusing me of being on drugs to some of my friends. And telling our oldest son that I just got pregnant (3X!!!) to save our marriage. And throwing up to me things in my life that had really hurt me and that I had shared with him-even to the point that he told other people those things and used them as some sort of justification (in his mind) for the fact that I filed for divorce.
The hate is gone now, and most of the anger is, too. I still feel resentful sometimes over the way he treats our boys, but I don't *expect* him to be any different and it no longer surprises me.
What does really surprise me is what I feel when I see him now. Basically nothing. Pity, if anything, for the things he has missed and continues to miss in the lives of his children. It is just a sad, sad way to live your life. I am ever-so-thankful that God finally opened my eyes to the truth.
Hang in there, you will get there!
full of hope
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Originally Posted by duet_4-8 
It took me so many years to get to the point that I was really finished with my ex, for good
Is that how you get to the point where you feel nothing and/or pity for them--because you keep trying again and again?
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
"just for today" don't think about the past or the future. Make today the best.
make a few plans for yourself to have something to lood forward to. Simple things. Things to do that don't have anything to do with the ex.
make a few plans for yourself to have something to lood forward to. Simple things. Things to do that don't have anything to do with the ex.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: phoenix arizona
Posts: 741
Originally Posted by chero
Is that how you get to the point where you feel nothing and/or pity for them--because you keep trying again and again?
That's how I got to the point that I deserved more and wasn't going to accept the behaviors anymore. I didn't have to and started taking care of myself. I thought by leaving, something would change on his end. Nothing did, so I had to be the something to save myself from a lifetime of pain and emotional turmoil.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Ohio
Posts: 105
((Chero)) I know the surprise you speak of. I've experienced it many times, over and over and over again. Twenty plus years of surprises (and the grave disappointment that soon followed each and every time) Family & friends can't see or don't understand why I would be surprised each time my A would "slip" up again. Afterall, they could predict it almost as if they were psychic.
I no longer feel so much 'surprised' any more as I do bewildered? Now, I can usually predict with some level of accuracy when my A will drink again. It's become the one and only way in which he no longer disappoints me because to be sure, he WILL drink again. (and again, and again,....etc)
Sad to say for many for us, certainly true for me, that the decades of living with active alcoholism and the repeated disappointments have caused me to basically give up. I haven't any fight left in me where his alcoholism is concerned. No more hope that maybe "this time" he'll come to his senses and get sober.
It's not so much that I believe I deserve anything any better than what I've had....It's that my heart can't take the pain any more. I just want the pain to go away. He's not going to alleviate it for me. It's something I have to do for myself now.
All the very best to you.
~ghm
I no longer feel so much 'surprised' any more as I do bewildered? Now, I can usually predict with some level of accuracy when my A will drink again. It's become the one and only way in which he no longer disappoints me because to be sure, he WILL drink again. (and again, and again,....etc)
Sad to say for many for us, certainly true for me, that the decades of living with active alcoholism and the repeated disappointments have caused me to basically give up. I haven't any fight left in me where his alcoholism is concerned. No more hope that maybe "this time" he'll come to his senses and get sober.
It's not so much that I believe I deserve anything any better than what I've had....It's that my heart can't take the pain any more. I just want the pain to go away. He's not going to alleviate it for me. It's something I have to do for myself now.
All the very best to you.
~ghm
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: concord, nc
Posts: 304
ghm, I too had to give up the fight. After many battles, I finally realized that it was his fight, not mine. The pain, at times, has been more that I thought I could bear. But, by God's grace, I have survived those horrible days and will survive the ones to come. For me, I had to get out of the quicksand, off the train track, or I was going to die. I have not seen him since March 1. Believe me, you do deserve better. I deserve better. We all deserve better.
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Chero,
Most people keep going back because of emotion, not rational thinking.
I mean how many times do you need to get it in the back side without being kissed?
I know that the statement will ruffle a few feathers here but hell it gets pitiful sometimes when you see it going on for years.
I know! I was that pitiful fool that took all that!
Our biggest problem is letting go of a dead relationship, be it with an alcoholic or not.
I seriously think even if they were not an alcoholic, some of us would still not give up.
We come up with so many excuses.
They need me.
I need them.
I love them.
I miss them.
He/she is so nice when they don’t drink….
Bla… Bla… Bla…
It’s all about learning to use the fertilizer- AKA CR*P you’ve experienced that can potentially lead to a defensive attitude – for personal growth.
Too many of us hold on long after the thrill is gone.
Ok, until it’s dead, buried and crawling with worms.
We do it out of societal pressure, guilt, shame and the belief that we do not deserve better, and that’s BS.
We all deserve to be happy.
I’m happy now, with life and with myself.
It took some time but it did not start to change until I got a grip on what’s really happening.
I also had to look at myself. Why accepted that pile of steaming dung as being a great life.
I know it’s hard.
I know the bubble was burst for us, but it happens.
It’s life my friends.
In time you will look back and it will all seem so different.
You will see that there never was that bubble there at all.
That all this does happen to good people.
So even if you really can not understand “WHY” at this point, you will in time.
In time you will also look back at what I’m writing not with bitterness, but with understanding.
We are nothing but sands in this clock of time and in 1000 years all that you have been through will not matter.
What matters is NOW and what you chose to do with the time you have left.
Do you sink back in drama or do you release yourself?
Do you enable a person to self-destruction or do you move on to build a better you>?
A person does not find happiness in others but happiness within yourselves.
Yes I do not mince words here and I’m that way because of time, or should I say lack there of.
Take care of yourself Chero and love the freedom and the 2nd chance you have in life to find happiness.
Most people keep going back because of emotion, not rational thinking.
I mean how many times do you need to get it in the back side without being kissed?
I know that the statement will ruffle a few feathers here but hell it gets pitiful sometimes when you see it going on for years.
I know! I was that pitiful fool that took all that!
Our biggest problem is letting go of a dead relationship, be it with an alcoholic or not.
I seriously think even if they were not an alcoholic, some of us would still not give up.
We come up with so many excuses.
They need me.
I need them.
I love them.
I miss them.
He/she is so nice when they don’t drink….
Bla… Bla… Bla…
It’s all about learning to use the fertilizer- AKA CR*P you’ve experienced that can potentially lead to a defensive attitude – for personal growth.
Too many of us hold on long after the thrill is gone.
Ok, until it’s dead, buried and crawling with worms.
We do it out of societal pressure, guilt, shame and the belief that we do not deserve better, and that’s BS.
We all deserve to be happy.
I’m happy now, with life and with myself.
It took some time but it did not start to change until I got a grip on what’s really happening.
I also had to look at myself. Why accepted that pile of steaming dung as being a great life.
I know it’s hard.
I know the bubble was burst for us, but it happens.
It’s life my friends.
In time you will look back and it will all seem so different.
You will see that there never was that bubble there at all.
That all this does happen to good people.
So even if you really can not understand “WHY” at this point, you will in time.
In time you will also look back at what I’m writing not with bitterness, but with understanding.
We are nothing but sands in this clock of time and in 1000 years all that you have been through will not matter.
What matters is NOW and what you chose to do with the time you have left.
Do you sink back in drama or do you release yourself?
Do you enable a person to self-destruction or do you move on to build a better you>?
A person does not find happiness in others but happiness within yourselves.
Yes I do not mince words here and I’m that way because of time, or should I say lack there of.
Take care of yourself Chero and love the freedom and the 2nd chance you have in life to find happiness.
Last edited by Mr. Christian; 06-19-2007 at 04:31 PM.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
Thanks MR C,,I needed that right about now
You know, I PRIDE myself as an "in the day" kinda girl when it comes to EVERYTHING else in my life. Drive people around me NUTS cause nothing fazes me. I think it was "grown" out of my expereince with watching someone I loved, and who loved me, die at a very young age.
It was then and there I decided life is too short. And I have to say, as many times as I've been to the cemetary since, I haven't ONCE saw a tombstone that said, "he/she made GREAT money and had the BEST boat",,lol No, what I notice are the graves that are lovingly taken care of because of the "legacy" that person left. WHO THEY WERE
But for some reason, and it IS the first time in my life, I can not "live in the day" with my A.
That's MY disease. I don't even like that word. I prefer to think it's my CHALLENGE. Something we are given by the spirits to learn the lesson of our cores. I'm figuring out, I haven't been true to mine. Trouble is Mr C, I lost it somewhere down the line with this expereince
I DO however appreciate your driect and HONEST approach
Peace
You know, I PRIDE myself as an "in the day" kinda girl when it comes to EVERYTHING else in my life. Drive people around me NUTS cause nothing fazes me. I think it was "grown" out of my expereince with watching someone I loved, and who loved me, die at a very young age.
It was then and there I decided life is too short. And I have to say, as many times as I've been to the cemetary since, I haven't ONCE saw a tombstone that said, "he/she made GREAT money and had the BEST boat",,lol No, what I notice are the graves that are lovingly taken care of because of the "legacy" that person left. WHO THEY WERE
But for some reason, and it IS the first time in my life, I can not "live in the day" with my A.
That's MY disease. I don't even like that word. I prefer to think it's my CHALLENGE. Something we are given by the spirits to learn the lesson of our cores. I'm figuring out, I haven't been true to mine. Trouble is Mr C, I lost it somewhere down the line with this expereince
I DO however appreciate your driect and HONEST approach
Peace
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
Well yes..i guess for me...2 years of madness.
But look at it like this...We cleared a path for ya..
Like Mr C...it's all emotional and my thinking gose
out the damn door.
It's the guilt and shame for how we were raised
and belief and the vows we took..
In sickness and in heath, through it all we vow we would be
there and love would conquar all.
Okay so there god involved in recovery and it makes
it all more confussing..So yeah i got it all confussed.
becuase we should love, we shold forgive...
Okay..so i just have to take a time out . Get some rest
so I think clearer..
if i truely have faith in god and If I do belive there is a god..
Why not just trust god ?
Why not just put it into god's hand ?
Why not just trun her over to the care of god ?
But wait a minute here....ding ! ding !
maybe thats the lesson after all...
Do i trust in god or don't I ?
Do I belive in miracle ?
Do i actaully have faith ?
if i do...i guess, i just have to stop playing god.
Maybe god's love can conquar all..
That's what I had to go through..I had to ask myself
those stupid questions..
After i came to that conclusion..
Well..you know me...i just had to put that through the
test first hand.
Well, maybe god can love me too...I needed it too.
Becuase i was a freaken emotional wreack and maybe
god dosn't want me to suffer anymore either. Maybe
god can conquar all my fears too while he/she/it is
at it..
But look at it like this...We cleared a path for ya..
Like Mr C...it's all emotional and my thinking gose
out the damn door.
It's the guilt and shame for how we were raised
and belief and the vows we took..
In sickness and in heath, through it all we vow we would be
there and love would conquar all.
Okay so there god involved in recovery and it makes
it all more confussing..So yeah i got it all confussed.
becuase we should love, we shold forgive...
Okay..so i just have to take a time out . Get some rest
so I think clearer..
if i truely have faith in god and If I do belive there is a god..
Why not just trust god ?
Why not just put it into god's hand ?
Why not just trun her over to the care of god ?
But wait a minute here....ding ! ding !
maybe thats the lesson after all...
Do i trust in god or don't I ?
Do I belive in miracle ?
Do i actaully have faith ?
if i do...i guess, i just have to stop playing god.
Maybe god's love can conquar all..
That's what I had to go through..I had to ask myself
those stupid questions..
After i came to that conclusion..
Well..you know me...i just had to put that through the
test first hand.
Well, maybe god can love me too...I needed it too.
Becuase i was a freaken emotional wreack and maybe
god dosn't want me to suffer anymore either. Maybe
god can conquar all my fears too while he/she/it is
at it..
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
Been putting it in the hands of the spirits lately,,
And they been having their WAY with me,,
Slap, slap, had ENOUGH yet!!!!!
Apparently not,
But come to the sea and visit, we're still here
It's the only time I go ahhhhhhhhhhhhh
Back to testing their power
SLAP, SLAP, do what we showed you,,,
Back to the sea,,,,,,,
Ok, hell my feet look GREAT right now, natural pumice stone that sand
Back to the pavement, and the ruts in the road,,,,Geez guy, can't you come with me?
BIGGER SLAPS,,when you gonna give it over to us CE Girl?'
I'm SCARED to lose control
This time when I went to the sea, I took my surf board. Figured I needed a life raft
It's coming to me, "have faith we will hold you in our arms"
What are you NUTS, you guys are like the tide, ebbing and flowing, I don't want to be brought out to sea and left adrift
I gotta get they won't leave me
Peace
PS SaTIT, 2 years!!!!! Say it isn't so,,,
And they been having their WAY with me,,
Slap, slap, had ENOUGH yet!!!!!
Apparently not,
But come to the sea and visit, we're still here
It's the only time I go ahhhhhhhhhhhhh
Back to testing their power
SLAP, SLAP, do what we showed you,,,
Back to the sea,,,,,,,
Ok, hell my feet look GREAT right now, natural pumice stone that sand
Back to the pavement, and the ruts in the road,,,,Geez guy, can't you come with me?
BIGGER SLAPS,,when you gonna give it over to us CE Girl?'
I'm SCARED to lose control
This time when I went to the sea, I took my surf board. Figured I needed a life raft
It's coming to me, "have faith we will hold you in our arms"
What are you NUTS, you guys are like the tide, ebbing and flowing, I don't want to be brought out to sea and left adrift
I gotta get they won't leave me
Peace
PS SaTIT, 2 years!!!!! Say it isn't so,,,
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: concord, nc
Posts: 304
If you don't "give it up", "it" is going to get you. That is what I finally had to come to terms with. 31 years--man it is tough but it was either going to be me or the booze. In the end I won. I got "me" and he got the booze.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Backwoods, PA
Posts: 223
I also, very much, appreciate Mr. C's posts. Right to the point. I also need to hear everything that he had to say. It is out of emotion. If I was thinking rationally, I would realize that I have been beating a dead horse. Life is just too short!
A work in progress....
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
Posts: 1,018
Originally Posted by chero
You know, everyone seems to say that. I've heard it took "so many years", "so many times going back and forth", etc....
Is that how you get to the point where you feel nothing and/or pity for them--because you keep trying again and again?
Is that how you get to the point where you feel nothing and/or pity for them--because you keep trying again and again?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Seattle, wa
Posts: 118
I read this and think god I relate so much. I remember when I said and wrote the very same words and felt the very same pain...but it does pass, it seems slower than we want but it does pass. I never could hate my xA either, and have moved to the feeling of pity for him, but also realize I am better off now...so much better off. You will find that peace as well and it doesnt take years, though I cannot say how long it will take to not think of him. But the energy of it does seem to be slowly leaving and just memories are gaining in that place. I look forward to the day I think of him and it is just a memory without power. Bless You!!!
full of hope
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Okay, there is so much to say here.
Mr. C, as usual, love to hear what you have to say...blunt and to the point gets me every time!
What I don't undestand is how you all got to your point of no return. I feel on the verge of making a mistake because, like you said Satit, it's how I was raised to believe. I'm scared. I don't understand myself right now.
I'm scared and I feel like I have no room for mistakes.
Mr. C, as usual, love to hear what you have to say...blunt and to the point gets me every time!
What I don't undestand is how you all got to your point of no return. I feel on the verge of making a mistake because, like you said Satit, it's how I was raised to believe. I'm scared. I don't understand myself right now.
I'm scared and I feel like I have no room for mistakes.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: concord, nc
Posts: 304
Chero, think about the definition of a home. Were you secure? Were you happy? Were you cared for? Were you comfortable? Were you relaxed? Were you at ease? Were you free from tension or stress? Finally, were you cherished and respected? When my AH was living in our "home", I could not honestly answer "yes" to any of these questions. Please think about this.
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