Blunt honesty, good or bad?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 39
Blunt honesty, good or bad?
Hi all. I would like your opinions on my behavior. If it is hurtful or helpful to the A. I believe the term is called "Quacking." I no longer take it personal anymore, so I believe that is good. My personal "Quacker" has an insane need to let loose and "Quack" about every 3 months or so. It is actually an insane rage I hear, and it can go on for hours and hours. Until passing out. And it will start again after waking up and drinking more. It can go on for days. All the rage is directed at me and about me, nothing else. This has been going on for years. Like clockwork, I can predict it and I always know when it is coming. During this period of insanity, I do not argue or try in any way to difuse the situation, because I know better than to argue and it is useless to try and difuse it. There is no physical abuse anymore, that ended with a domestic violence charge years ago, but the verbal assaults (Quacking?) still continue.
It is possible to have a rational conversation with the A a day or 2 after the assault, and this last assault on my character seemed to push me beyond my intake limits and I let the A have it with all the blunt hurtful honesty I could muster up. I was deliberate, methodical and vicious. I made him sit and listen and started with a blow by blow description of life with him and ended by telling him he could count on one hand the people in his life that loved him, (not an exageration) and he should not put me on that list.
The reaction I am getting from this is odd. He's trying to be pleasant and not hurtful, which is not the normal course of things. Today is Father's Day and he turned down lunch with one child and a BBQ with another, to sit at the kitchen table and drink, drink drink. But, he's not being unpleasant, quite the contrary.
The thing is, I feel guilty about being so hurtful, hence my question to all you. Thanks.
It is possible to have a rational conversation with the A a day or 2 after the assault, and this last assault on my character seemed to push me beyond my intake limits and I let the A have it with all the blunt hurtful honesty I could muster up. I was deliberate, methodical and vicious. I made him sit and listen and started with a blow by blow description of life with him and ended by telling him he could count on one hand the people in his life that loved him, (not an exageration) and he should not put me on that list.
The reaction I am getting from this is odd. He's trying to be pleasant and not hurtful, which is not the normal course of things. Today is Father's Day and he turned down lunch with one child and a BBQ with another, to sit at the kitchen table and drink, drink drink. But, he's not being unpleasant, quite the contrary.
The thing is, I feel guilty about being so hurtful, hence my question to all you. Thanks.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
I've tried that WTF,,,by the way, not being a "christian" and an ex bartender, you know what your acronym means to me,,,? LOL 
Anyway, yup, been there, got the t shirt
Its cyclical with my A also. The QUACKING never ceases when he's in that mode. I don't respond either, cause not matter WHAT i say, it makes no difff. I call it A la, la land,,,,,Let him have it. It took me a LONG time to get to the point I COUld let him have it, without "arguing" why he is wrong
Then comes the "realization"
Screw that!!
It was usually too late and yes, after I let him have it, "both barrels"
You know what? I've come to the conclusion, my A is MESSED up in the head,,always a "step" behind
Sobriety would cure that curse. But too little too late
Let it go, that's my motto. The only persons thinking I can change is my own. Your never gonna convince him, cause as soon as you think you did, you find out he's fooling you. Telling you what you want to hear, cause you DARED to be honest.
Why bother?
Peace
Anyway, yup, been there, got the t shirt
Its cyclical with my A also. The QUACKING never ceases when he's in that mode. I don't respond either, cause not matter WHAT i say, it makes no difff. I call it A la, la land,,,,,Let him have it. It took me a LONG time to get to the point I COUld let him have it, without "arguing" why he is wrong
Then comes the "realization"
Screw that!!
It was usually too late and yes, after I let him have it, "both barrels"You know what? I've come to the conclusion, my A is MESSED up in the head,,always a "step" behind
Sobriety would cure that curse. But too little too late
Let it go, that's my motto. The only persons thinking I can change is my own. Your never gonna convince him, cause as soon as you think you did, you find out he's fooling you. Telling you what you want to hear, cause you DARED to be honest.
Why bother?
Peace
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Hello,
Now let me see if I understand this, you feel guilty about being so hurtful?
I feel blunt honesty is a good thing, in fact you may get some hear.
I don’t find it shocking that you would let loose after taking abuse for years, nor do I blame you.
I think the real question is, are you happy living this way?
Have you checked out any Alanon meetings? They may help you with some insight.
Now let me see if I understand this, you feel guilty about being so hurtful?
I feel blunt honesty is a good thing, in fact you may get some hear.
I don’t find it shocking that you would let loose after taking abuse for years, nor do I blame you.
I think the real question is, are you happy living this way?
Have you checked out any Alanon meetings? They may help you with some insight.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 39
Thank you both. Perhaps I left my post with the impression that I took the A's reaction to my blunt honesty as a hopeful sign. I am way, way, way beyond that. There isn't anything the A could do anymore to promote hope. And I am no one's doormat either. I have been on a spiritual journey for several years and am quite comfortable with myself. As far as being happy this way, of course not. Don't think anyone could be. However, everyone weighs the pros and cons of leaving. I'm not at that point yet. I did go to an Al Anon meeting once. I'm sure there a great group and very helpful, just not for me. I prefer research and reading and this site.
A work in progress....
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
Posts: 1,018
The last conversation I had with my exah, I let him have it with both barrels! I didn't do it out of anger, really, I just wanted to say my piece and be done with it. I didn't do it with any expectations that it would make any difference or that he would really hear or understand my feelings. I guess I am finally past caring about those things, praise the Lord!!
I told him all about the years of mental and emotional abuse and exactly WHY I am divorcing him and that without a doubt I was never never never reconciling with him again. Been there, done that. Didn't work the other times and I have finally accepted reality.
He is not the man I thought he was, or the one I tried so hard to turn him into for 25 years. And I had completely lost myself trying to control and manipulate every situation in my life and his life, and trying to 'protect' our kids. I was turning into a bitter, angry woman. HUGE reality check to realize that about myself......
I still have some rough days, but I can honestly say a whole-hearted YES to Mr. C's above question "Are you happy living this way?" I haven't been as content and at peace as I am right now for as long as I can remember. (And FYI I don't do meetings either, I do a LOT of reading and research, and I come here most every day.)
I told him all about the years of mental and emotional abuse and exactly WHY I am divorcing him and that without a doubt I was never never never reconciling with him again. Been there, done that. Didn't work the other times and I have finally accepted reality.
He is not the man I thought he was, or the one I tried so hard to turn him into for 25 years. And I had completely lost myself trying to control and manipulate every situation in my life and his life, and trying to 'protect' our kids. I was turning into a bitter, angry woman. HUGE reality check to realize that about myself......
I still have some rough days, but I can honestly say a whole-hearted YES to Mr. C's above question "Are you happy living this way?" I haven't been as content and at peace as I am right now for as long as I can remember. (And FYI I don't do meetings either, I do a LOT of reading and research, and I come here most every day.)
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: oh
Posts: 757
hi wtbf, well, i can only speak for myself here, but the last month and more increasingly recently, i have been using the blunt honestly and it seems to be working, at least for me. i think the key is to be tactful and not purposely hurtful.
i think you just have to look at your intentions and your actions speak even louder. if they are to express how you truly feel and not to hurt i think it is very helpful. you can't just speak it though, you must show it in your actions.
tough love seems to be working here.
i think you just have to look at your intentions and your actions speak even louder. if they are to express how you truly feel and not to hurt i think it is very helpful. you can't just speak it though, you must show it in your actions.
tough love seems to be working here.
full of hope
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
I can remember doing that with my AH. Things got better for awhile and then suddenly worse and worse and worse.
I don't see how honesty is wrong unless your motives were only to hurt him. Sometimes standing up for yourself requires you to be brutally honest, though. I don't see how that is something you should feel bad about--sounds like you were long overdue. Just be careful of the backlash.
I don't see how honesty is wrong unless your motives were only to hurt him. Sometimes standing up for yourself requires you to be brutally honest, though. I don't see how that is something you should feel bad about--sounds like you were long overdue. Just be careful of the backlash.
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
I say " Good On Ya Girl" We are only human and they are not the only ones on the planet as sometimes it seems.
I would actually let him know how you feel at best if he is ever sober. I wouldnt back down and feel guilty - let him know you are not prepared to take this anymore, of course, if youre not willing.
I would actually let him know how you feel at best if he is ever sober. I wouldnt back down and feel guilty - let him know you are not prepared to take this anymore, of course, if youre not willing.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
He heard you, did you hear you? When we think we are coping, sometimes we have to take our own inventory to see who alcohol is turning us into. I think most of us have heard this ranting and even when you think you are reducing it to drunken nonsense, it hurts and it does damage to our souls.
I found it wan't that he was saying anything new, it wqs that he was saying it all again and again, Pounding, like a brainwashing hammer into my skull.
You are no ones whipping boy.
When you have had enough, I would record the whole thing and take the tape to a lawyer. If you can get a witness to any part of it. I'd also make a copy for him so that when he needs to hear al the reasons you aren't there anymore, he can listen to his own words.
There comes a time when you have to stop and decide if you are even remotely the person you want to be.
I found it wan't that he was saying anything new, it wqs that he was saying it all again and again, Pounding, like a brainwashing hammer into my skull.
You are no ones whipping boy.
When you have had enough, I would record the whole thing and take the tape to a lawyer. If you can get a witness to any part of it. I'd also make a copy for him so that when he needs to hear al the reasons you aren't there anymore, he can listen to his own words.
There comes a time when you have to stop and decide if you are even remotely the person you want to be.
Royalty
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 366
My AH seems to be the same way.....it's a pattern of every few months, and he will go into a rage over the least little thing, much the same as you described it. The next day he will act as if it never happened........and my thoughts on this, is he doesn't remember what he said/did. Have you read much about blackouts that alcoholics have? This describes alot of that type of behavior.
No one can tell you if you should leave or not, that's entirely up to you. And we aren't here to judge you on your actions....we have all done the same things....and some of us (me) keep repeating those things.... over and over again... until we learn a different way to deal with all of it.
It's great to ask opinions and get feedback, but don't ask us if you were "right or wrong"... JUST MY OPINION
*ps I call my AH's outbursts PMS with testosterone. (PMST)
No one can tell you if you should leave or not, that's entirely up to you. And we aren't here to judge you on your actions....we have all done the same things....and some of us (me) keep repeating those things.... over and over again... until we learn a different way to deal with all of it.
It's great to ask opinions and get feedback, but don't ask us if you were "right or wrong"... JUST MY OPINION
*ps I call my AH's outbursts PMS with testosterone. (PMST)
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
the alcoholic scenario can turn us into quackers, too. and in cases that physical abuse has a history, it can turn dangerous.
i used to do the same with my xh, thinking i was standing up for myself. it would work for a little while......oonly to intensify the next time he went on a rampage.
i found out that nothing, nothing, nothing i could say was going to change things for me or him. it only made it more dangerous for myself, as he clung harder to the desire to protect his addiction from the intruder......me.
i used to do the same with my xh, thinking i was standing up for myself. it would work for a little while......oonly to intensify the next time he went on a rampage.
i found out that nothing, nothing, nothing i could say was going to change things for me or him. it only made it more dangerous for myself, as he clung harder to the desire to protect his addiction from the intruder......me.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by 8675309 
HolyQow - Do you have any recommendations on what to read about blackouts that alcoholics have?
"I'll Quit Tomorrow" has a couple examples. Take a look at the reading list in the stickys. Also googling "alcoholic blackouts" will give some good stuff.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: St. Paul, MN
Posts: 16
Wanttobefree~
Have the same "quacking" with the A in my life, but I have never heard it termed that way. Great way to put it! Yes, it is mean and hurtful, but I find it to be more creepy! I can't believe that a person can harbor that sort of anger and cynicism. Of course, it only happens when Mr. A has had way too much.
Brutal honesty...hmmmmmm.... Honesty is obviously a good thing I don't think we should feel guilty being honest with the A's in our lives, but I know where you are coming from with feelings of guilt when none really need be warrented. Of course, when the A is drinking, I have found that any kind of honesty does not go far, and only serves to make me feel a little better because I unloaded for a minute, but then makes me exhausted later. He does not remember it any way. He has fairly frequent black-outs. Now, I guess I just leave the room or the house when things like that happen. On a binge, I won't see the A for many days. My choice. It keeps me somewhat sane. Course, I won't lie, sometimes it takes all the strength I can muster up not to attack!
Thanks for your share and letting me share too!
Have the same "quacking" with the A in my life, but I have never heard it termed that way. Great way to put it! Yes, it is mean and hurtful, but I find it to be more creepy! I can't believe that a person can harbor that sort of anger and cynicism. Of course, it only happens when Mr. A has had way too much.
Brutal honesty...hmmmmmm.... Honesty is obviously a good thing
I don't think we should feel guilty being honest with the A's in our lives, but I know where you are coming from with feelings of guilt when none really need be warrented. Of course, when the A is drinking, I have found that any kind of honesty does not go far, and only serves to make me feel a little better because I unloaded for a minute, but then makes me exhausted later. He does not remember it any way. He has fairly frequent black-outs. Now, I guess I just leave the room or the house when things like that happen. On a binge, I won't see the A for many days. My choice. It keeps me somewhat sane. Course, I won't lie, sometimes it takes all the strength I can muster up not to attack!Thanks for your share and letting me share too!
Royalty
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 366
I am not sure where I've read about blackouts....probably on here somewhere. I have read Under the Influence, which I found extremely dull, kind of technical on what alcohol does to the brain, but extremely helpful. (I'll have to go look again)
Up above here, is a small section that have sticky notes posted beside them. One is titled Classic Reading.....lots (tons!) of recommended reading there. All very helpful.
Up above here, is a small section that have sticky notes posted beside them. One is titled Classic Reading.....lots (tons!) of recommended reading there. All very helpful.
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