AllMyFault

Do they ever after being in recovery for awhile, finally talk to you and give you some closure? My ex is at the point that he won't even speak to me via email when I ask how he is doing, I think he is dry at the moment and plans to go to a remote area for the summer to further get his life together. He has refused treatment and thinks he can basically rewrite his life if he starts from scratch. The loss of my best friend is nearly killing me, compounded by the fact that everyone in his life has been feeding his desire to place the blame on me, and detract it from his own reality.
Because of the circumstances of the breakup, where I had him taken away by police after a failed suicide attempt, we were never able to do any kind of break-up talk as his parents are forbidding him to see me. I desparately need some closure but am having doors slammed in my face basically.
I am very sad about this, I don't want a romantic relationship with the person he is today, but I want to keep in touch to see how he is doing and support him from afar with the proper boundaries in place.

Mr. Christian

Closure?

Wow I can not tell you how much I hate that term.
If you are waiting or searching for someone else to say something to make you feel better you are looking in the wrong place.

As you must know by now , this is HIS deal. Yours is getting past the fact that you were in a toxic relationship.

Count your blessing and stop picking at wounds, or there will never heal.

Doors being slammed in your face are sometimes God’s way of saying ENOUGH!

Move away from the door my friend and go down the hall to the nearest exit.

It’s a nice day out , no reason to stay inside.

denny57

Many addicts (and non addicts too come to think of it) think life will change if started from scratch "somewhere else." The old saying is true: wherever you go, there YOU are. I could live on the moon, but unless I work at making changes to my own thinking and behavior, the moon will not change me.

I think it's normal to have these thoughts at the beginning - it's a shock to the system. I don't much care for the word closure, either. Instead of emailing him to see how he's doing, how about reaching out to yourself and working your own recovery? If it's meant to be, 2 recovered people could make their way back to each other. Once I got busy on the "me" work, looking for something called closure became less important.

((()))

GlassPrisoner

If he works a 12 step program, you can expect him to eventually approach you and make his amends.

AllMyFault

He absolutely hates AA, and in fact hates the term "Alcoholic" He refers to himself as a 'drunk' instead. So going through a 12 step program is not something he is likely to do

ARealLady

First off...stop blaming yourself for your A's problems. Your screen name says it all. Then buy or borrow Melody Beattie's Co-Dependent No More and Beyond Co-dependency. You will learn that you are in no way responsible for the behaviour of others. And once you understand that you will stop looking for "closure".

I have been right where you are and I still am there at times. Your A is fooling himself if he thinks he can start over without working the AA programme. My A runs and runs and runs. Once I put some boundaries in place, I let him know that he could NOT run in my direction. His reaction? Drank a bit more then went to rehab but NO, NO, NO, "I am going to do this my way. Not having anything to do with those Bible thumpers at AA. I can control my drinking." Heard it all and keep re-reading it all over these boards. Initially I asked him how he was but then I stopped asking. It was not because I don't care about him but that I care more about myself, INSIDE and PROTECTED by MY boundaries. That's all you can do.


ARL

SaTiT

I'm sorry allmyfualt...

I struggle with closure. it took over a year before my ex-wife
and I to actaully say a word to each other, not through
a second party. While i didn't like that we couldn't go on
living with each other anymore.

I needed to hear it from her. I'm truley greatful that she
actaully called me and told me that she still loves me no matter
but I needed to move on with my life...it broke my heart..

She was the love of my life and i just needed to know she loves
me just the same..For me i needed to know that..i need to know
that everything wasn't a total mistake. I also needed to tell
her that I love her very much...because i was going out of
my freaken mind not being able to tell her that.
it gave me closure. I stopped obsessing over her...

I wasn't totally well..but i belive somewhere deep inside
of me there was a shift...
Three months later...somehow i ended up in the rooms of
AA...i didn't even know what AA was at that point in my life.

I pray that you get closure someway, somehow.

GlassPrisoner

Been there, done that. Doesn't work.

If it starts hurting enough he might. I did.

minnie

Hmmm. I think the stats would not bear out this statement.

However, I do believe that simply stopping drinking does not resolve all of the issues surrounding the drinking behaviour. There are many ways to address these - AA, SMART, RR, therapy, locally run group support, etc. At some point in any process, I believe that a person will find a touch of humility and subsequently make amends, whether formally through the Steps, or just because it is the right thing to do.

However, I refuse to wait around until my ex is ready to make amends. I had to bring closure for myself. In a nutshell, that came from understanding my part in the whole sorry mess, and educating myself as to why a)he might have done those things and b)why I stayed around to subject myself to them.

Just like forgiveness, closure was something I had to do solo.

sthrnraizd

I can say I totally relate on so many levels to the questions and the responses. It has only been 2 months since my breakup with my xfianceabf. He will not have any contact with me, I am to blame for our issues. There isnt really closure, my love slowly changes for him, I still cry and miss him. But I think now it might be more of the dream of us....I miss. I have gone on to change my life, see my reality, (all of it....the good the bad and the pain). And when I romanticize the past I make myself remember the bad, the lies, the deceit, the cheating the drinking. As much as it may hurt I am better off now. You will be as well. Focus on you! Focus on You! We are here to support you...