losinghim

I haven't posted in a very long time... just reading everyone else's stuff. I will post more later, just want to ask a quick question. He went through rehab... was 42 days sober, had a drink Monday morning but talked to sponsor and has been to meetings. He just ran out to pick up some food and I can tell he was drinking. I asked if he has been drinking and he said yes he had a drink. He was sad. How do I treat him right now. Not sure if he's buzzed or drunk, but do I ignore him? Do I show anger, hurt, sadness, or nothing at all? I will post the whole long story later, just want to know how to treat him when he's drank. Thank you!!

newenglandgirl

Ugh! You must feel so frustrated and disappointed. I am so sorry (((Losinghim))). I think you ask an excellent question. I have never been in your situation, so I don't really know what to tell you. But I'm sure others will be around shortly to give you good advice.

On one hand, I think marriage is supposed to be about honesty, so I'd tell him exactly what I really felt about his relapse.

But on the other hand, doing that might just exhaust you and get you all tangled up (even more so) in his alcoholic web.

Keep us posted.

hopeangel

doesn't that just knock the wind right out of your sails? it is really sad and disheartening. i know i learned after my ah's relapse not to trust or rely such a short period of sobriety (i won't say recovery cause that takes much much longer and much much more).
let's see, right now i'm for playing hard ball and maintaining my boundaries-that seems to be more effective for me.

i will say the fact that he is being honest with you about the drinking is a really really good thing and that he is talking with his sponsor is a really good thing.

i am for open communication too. i think i would just matter-of-factly tell him how you feel about it.

chero

Oh, Losinghim, I'm so sorry.

I've been in this situation many times and for me, I finally realized I had to go about my evening like I would have if he hadn't drank. It's easier said than done, though. I hope someone will be along to offer some help.

Your in my thoughts and prayers!
(((((LH)))))

Live

But maybe wait until he is sober?

I am stumped.

losinghim

Here's the story... you can read old posts of mine and then I'll take off from there..... so I left him and moved in with my parents. After a month of marriage counseling he finally realized it was a problem and asked me to take him to detox. I did. Tried to check himself out, I forced him back in. He checked into a 28-day rehab program. I visited 3 times a week for visiting hours and family therapy sessions.

I received a phone call on his cell from some girl. He admitted while I was gone that he was talking to her and she came by our house but nothing ever happened. Blah, Blah, Blah... the 28 days are over and therapy and visiting didn't go well so I stayed at my parents house and he drank for the first 5 days out. Then 5th night out I get panicked phone calls (while I'm out of town for the night for a fun Mary Kay girls' night). He and his dad got in a fight, it got physical, his dad ended up through a window. And somehow his dad ended up in jail. The next morning I got panicked calls from him that he needed help, so I sent him to my mom's house to talk to her and so he could stay sober also. Plus he needed to get out of the house permanently because we were renting from his dad and his dad was angry he was arrested.

So I get home that night, we talk... he's stuck without a place to live... I miss him.... we go out and get an apartment with an expensive rent and a 7 month lease. Smart, huh? Things have been good though. His boss visited him in rehab and so he walked right back into his job and I walked right back into his life and we have a brand new beautiful apartment.


So 42 days later, I come home sick from work in the morning and I suspect he's been drinking. He was working on step 4 and had a hard time so he got a beer. (Not so sure this is the first morning, just the only one I came home from work) So a few hours later he leaves to do some work (in outside sales so he comes and goes whenever without boss knowing or checking). I check the notebook of his 4th step to see what was so hard for him and in the middle I find his sex inventory hiding. It has all ex-girlfriends before me and about the great b jobs and sex and that he continued communication with them and lied to me. Then there's an old co-workers name on there and that she's Hot!Hot!Hot! and he had desires for her and promised her things and lied to his wife. Then there were two other women I don't know that were hot and he communicated with. One said "desire to bang another man's wife". Then there was **** #1 - **** #6. They didn't even get names.

So after much yelling and screaming. We both refuse to move out cuz it's an awesome apartment and we're both on the lease. According to me the marriage is OVER!! He's still trying, but I don't think I can ever get over it. So today I told him that we can both live in separate rooms in the apartment until the lease is up but that I want divorce papers. So he goes out hours later to grab some food and comes back buzzed because he's sad. I was actually backing down a little and wondering if we could work through the woman issues (WHY?? I don't know!!) But now, NO!!! This is sad. And I told him that... that he's sad.

So there's my story... I thought I was done posting here a month or so ago, but an alcoholic never ceases to amaze us, right? I really believe he's my soul mate, but you know what.... there's another one out there!! But still.... how do you react when you find out they've been drinking since I have to be here with him until November?

denny57

Sometimes it isn't always about the drinking. Why was it ok for you to read his 4th?

About the drinking - is that a boundary for you; or is it just what you read in his inventory?

newenglandgirl

FOLLOW THROUGH with your promise to serve him papers. Get the balll rolling. These are months, years that you can't get back...time used up playing this game.

Be careful, Losinghim, not to change the law you have laid down. "Mean what you say, say what you mean."

You both go to your separate rooms, cool down, and next thing you know, you're back in one room again until the next flare-up. Then back to separate rooms for a while. The dance will continue until YOU decide you've had enough. Until you figure out what you want.

Time is precious - this is not a dress rehersal.

Personally, I couldn't bear to stay in that situation til November. I know it's an awesome apt. but it just wouldn't be worth all the stress and anger for me. I believe it might be your legal right to find a subletter to take over your part of the lease until Nov.