changing relationships
full of hope
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
changing relationships
I find that as I'm changing so are my relationships with the people in my life.
I've heard some of you guys say that you've lost friends in the discovery of yourselves and the thought of that was unimaginable to me. But I see it happening and I don't like it.
I've always been caring and giving but never one to stand up for myself or my own thoughts and ideas. I would rather let people run all over me than hurt someone's feelings.
But today, I stood up for myself (at my counselor's advice) and ended up having a huge fight with my best friend--and I made her cry. I don't understand the changes taking place in me. I feel less tolerable of words and criticism and lies and whatever but at what cost? The loss of friendships?
Some of these changes taking place in me I hate. I don't want to alienate people and I don't want people to have to choose sides but I don't know what else to do or how else to be. I can't go around making people cry to make myself feel validated.
I'm not even sure if that's what I'm doing? I'm trying so hard to be honest in my own life and with my ownself that when I see others not being honest with me I react and speak out. I never would have done that before. And I don't know if it's the right thing to do or not.
How do you deal with all these changes?
I've heard some of you guys say that you've lost friends in the discovery of yourselves and the thought of that was unimaginable to me. But I see it happening and I don't like it.
I've always been caring and giving but never one to stand up for myself or my own thoughts and ideas. I would rather let people run all over me than hurt someone's feelings.
But today, I stood up for myself (at my counselor's advice) and ended up having a huge fight with my best friend--and I made her cry. I don't understand the changes taking place in me. I feel less tolerable of words and criticism and lies and whatever but at what cost? The loss of friendships?
Some of these changes taking place in me I hate. I don't want to alienate people and I don't want people to have to choose sides but I don't know what else to do or how else to be. I can't go around making people cry to make myself feel validated.
I'm not even sure if that's what I'm doing? I'm trying so hard to be honest in my own life and with my ownself that when I see others not being honest with me I react and speak out. I never would have done that before. And I don't know if it's the right thing to do or not.
How do you deal with all these changes?
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
Chero sista,,
I hear a rumble going on in your core,,,lol. Codie vs healthy,,,
I guess I'm wondering what happened? Did you ask her a question you felt she didn't answer honestly?
Peace
I don't want to alienate people and I don't want people to have to choose sides but I don't know what else to do or how else to be. I can't go around making people cry to make myself feel validated.
I guess I'm wondering what happened? Did you ask her a question you felt she didn't answer honestly?
Peace
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: phoenix arizona
Posts: 741
I try to remember that I can't control another's actions/reactions.
I have to stand up for myself, express my needs, and set boundaries when needed, too. Many people, especially those close to us might struggle with our changes. We have to do what's right for us. It sounds like you are growing! Be strong and keep learning about yourself.
Astro had a great reply from Language of Letting Go about relationship changes.
Look at my post "lunch out with friends" and that might give you some insight.
I have to stand up for myself, express my needs, and set boundaries when needed, too. Many people, especially those close to us might struggle with our changes. We have to do what's right for us. It sounds like you are growing! Be strong and keep learning about yourself.
Astro had a great reply from Language of Letting Go about relationship changes.
Look at my post "lunch out with friends" and that might give you some insight.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
You know Chero, sometimes we take people in our lives by surprise when the "new me" comes out
There not use to it. Us telling others what we want/need is foreign to them. Their use to dealing with us the way we were
For me, it all comes from the core. When I was scared and insecure I portrayed that externally to those around me. Friends, best friends, lovers, acquantainces, hell the guy I bought my paper from. They could TELL, you can feel someones core. Let me ask you, have you ever interacted with someone you felt there was something just not right about the encounter? We humans have been given a "gift". Perception and gut instinct.
Now that your becomeing "stronger" and more confident in yourself, the external reflection is different. Sometimes it takes others in your life to get used to it. Some will accept, others want the old you back. Does that mean you give up your favorite color?
Others peoples reactions are outside our CONTROL
Unless of course you were being MEAN or abusive. Then you deserve to be yelled at,,he,he,he
I bet your best friend was SHOCKED you called her on something you saw that she was not being true to HER core about
Ya, know, just cause some people don't have A's in their life, doesn't mean they don't have a little codie in them
Peace
There not use to it. Us telling others what we want/need is foreign to them. Their use to dealing with us the way we were
For me, it all comes from the core. When I was scared and insecure I portrayed that externally to those around me. Friends, best friends, lovers, acquantainces, hell the guy I bought my paper from. They could TELL, you can feel someones core. Let me ask you, have you ever interacted with someone you felt there was something just not right about the encounter? We humans have been given a "gift". Perception and gut instinct.
Now that your becomeing "stronger" and more confident in yourself, the external reflection is different. Sometimes it takes others in your life to get used to it. Some will accept, others want the old you back. Does that mean you give up your favorite color?
Others peoples reactions are outside our CONTROL
Unless of course you were being MEAN or abusive. Then you deserve to be yelled at,,he,he,he
I bet your best friend was SHOCKED you called her on something you saw that she was not being true to HER core about
Ya, know, just cause some people don't have A's in their life, doesn't mean they don't have a little codie in them
Peace
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Balance
Knowing when to stand firm and knowing when to walk away.
A person is standing on your toe... Will you move please that hurts.
A person cuts you off in traffic... forgiveness and prayer.
A balance will be found.
Knowing when to stand firm and knowing when to walk away.
A person is standing on your toe... Will you move please that hurts.
A person cuts you off in traffic... forgiveness and prayer.
A balance will be found.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
chero, i had two really good friends that i thought i could count on through all of this drama. i had known them both for over 10 years, and i just thought they would always be there to support me, make me feel better, yadda yadda yadda.
once i started standing up for myself, if they treated me badly, neglected me, weren't there for me when i needed them (even if i was always there for them!), they got mad at ME. for what?! doing the same thing most people do every day?!
they just didn't expect me to be that way. they expected me to be a doormat. they expected me to cave in. they expected me to not have needs. so, i let them go. sometimes i think it's just what needs to be done, ya know? as much as it hurts, you should only surround yourself with people who understand, appreciate, and value your friendship and what you have to offer. (like us)
once i started standing up for myself, if they treated me badly, neglected me, weren't there for me when i needed them (even if i was always there for them!), they got mad at ME. for what?! doing the same thing most people do every day?!
they just didn't expect me to be that way. they expected me to be a doormat. they expected me to cave in. they expected me to not have needs. so, i let them go. sometimes i think it's just what needs to be done, ya know? as much as it hurts, you should only surround yourself with people who understand, appreciate, and value your friendship and what you have to offer. (like us
)
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
I found that I let so many people I knew behind in my old world.
Reason being is most of the people I dealt with during that time are now toxic in one form or another to my present state.
When your outlook of life changes so does the way you look at people.
You see things you never did before and some of those things you will walk away from.
As the seasons change in you landscape of life so does the way you live.
Reason being is most of the people I dealt with during that time are now toxic in one form or another to my present state.
When your outlook of life changes so does the way you look at people.
You see things you never did before and some of those things you will walk away from.
As the seasons change in you landscape of life so does the way you live.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Backwoods, PA
Posts: 223
I didn't/don't like it either. There are people in our lives that are there to feed off of our misery. That sounds cruel, but it's true. I was never one to stand up for myself either. On those RARE occasions when I do, people who have used me as a doormat are shocked and pissed. They don't want me to be strong. We are supposed to be people pleasers and doormats. I needed to step back and figure out who my true friends really were. I discovered that some of my own immediate family members could be the cruelest. I agree with Best. Sometimes the best thing to do is nothing. When someone is attacking me, personally, then I have to take care of myself. I haven't done that for years, so it is new to me too.
Being around alcoholics, I have been lied to and used for years. I know that healing is going to be a slow process, but it will be worth it. If you're like me, you're probably going through so many different emotions right now. Sometimes I am so angry at people. Sometimes I just want to cry. Sometimes I hate being alone, and other times I crave it. It is so hard, all the changes, but you'll be fine.
Many of my family members are good friends with my abusive ex. I wanted them to abandon him because he had hurt me, took my money, and emotionally forced me from our home. I found out that it doesn't work that way. People have their own lives and their own agendas. The way that they look at it is, "Why should they treat him differently? He didn't do anything to them." It doesn't bother me so much anymore, but I'm still working on my expectations of others.
I apologize for rambling, and I keep de-railing too. In a nutshell, I just treat other people the way that I would want to be treated. I'm trying not to jump through hoops anymore though, and some people just don't like it.
Take care, buddy!
Being around alcoholics, I have been lied to and used for years. I know that healing is going to be a slow process, but it will be worth it. If you're like me, you're probably going through so many different emotions right now. Sometimes I am so angry at people. Sometimes I just want to cry. Sometimes I hate being alone, and other times I crave it. It is so hard, all the changes, but you'll be fine.
Many of my family members are good friends with my abusive ex. I wanted them to abandon him because he had hurt me, took my money, and emotionally forced me from our home. I found out that it doesn't work that way. People have their own lives and their own agendas. The way that they look at it is, "Why should they treat him differently? He didn't do anything to them." It doesn't bother me so much anymore, but I'm still working on my expectations of others.
I apologize for rambling, and I keep de-railing too. In a nutshell, I just treat other people the way that I would want to be treated. I'm trying not to jump through hoops anymore though, and some people just don't like it.
Take care, buddy!
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Chero, I really feel for you.
I seem to have no friends left from "before". Some, I think couldn't handle getting to know the new me. Some were male and didn't seem comfortable with being around me as a single woman - or perhaps their wives didn't. And some don't seem to be able to handle the fact that a) they bought into my ex's facade, b) that people like him even exist and c) they weren't there when I really needed them.
And yes, I do get lonely. However, the friends I have made by being in recovery go a long way to making up for all of that. The fact that they are in Phoenix, Va, LA, Chicago and Ca is a total pi$$er, but we make it work somehow.
I am building up to mending some bridges that have been burnt, yet have no expectation of the outcome. The friendships I have made through SR are so much deeper than those that went before and have set a standard that is hard to match.
One thing I do know is that I didn't foster those "real life" friendships as perhaps I might. I find it hard to ask for and accept help, and perhaps things might have been different had I done so. There has to be give and take in relationships so that power plays are avoided and I didn't fully undertand it at the time. I hope it can be different this time. If it isn't, I will understand and seek new friendships with those who are more on my wavelength.
Your average Joe has funny ideas about what we have been living with, I have found. They don't necessarily understand, especially if they are accustomed to setting healthy boundaries. They don't get why we didn't. I do. And so do many others who post here. That's the beauty of groups like this.
I seem to have no friends left from "before". Some, I think couldn't handle getting to know the new me. Some were male and didn't seem comfortable with being around me as a single woman - or perhaps their wives didn't. And some don't seem to be able to handle the fact that a) they bought into my ex's facade, b) that people like him even exist and c) they weren't there when I really needed them.
And yes, I do get lonely. However, the friends I have made by being in recovery go a long way to making up for all of that. The fact that they are in Phoenix, Va, LA, Chicago and Ca is a total pi$$er, but we make it work somehow.
I am building up to mending some bridges that have been burnt, yet have no expectation of the outcome. The friendships I have made through SR are so much deeper than those that went before and have set a standard that is hard to match.
One thing I do know is that I didn't foster those "real life" friendships as perhaps I might. I find it hard to ask for and accept help, and perhaps things might have been different had I done so. There has to be give and take in relationships so that power plays are avoided and I didn't fully undertand it at the time. I hope it can be different this time. If it isn't, I will understand and seek new friendships with those who are more on my wavelength.
Your average Joe has funny ideas about what we have been living with, I have found. They don't necessarily understand, especially if they are accustomed to setting healthy boundaries. They don't get why we didn't. I do. And so do many others who post here. That's the beauty of groups like this.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
chero,
I have very few friends from before because the old me used to not even notice, much less tolerate some very unkind attitudes and actions.
If she really is your friend, your recovery will not change that. You did not make her mad- that was her choice to react that way. I am going to recommend a book for you about assertiveness. Speaking The Truth In Love by Ruth N. Koch & Kenneth Haugk. (Stephen's Ministries) I hope that helps you out.
hugs,
cmc
I have very few friends from before because the old me used to not even notice, much less tolerate some very unkind attitudes and actions.
If she really is your friend, your recovery will not change that. You did not make her mad- that was her choice to react that way. I am going to recommend a book for you about assertiveness. Speaking The Truth In Love by Ruth N. Koch & Kenneth Haugk. (Stephen's Ministries) I hope that helps you out.
hugs,
cmc
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: By the sea
Posts: 415
In the years I was together with my STBXAH I became very friendly with two of his friends' wives. Mostly, we were "good time friends": we only saw each other once every few months for drinks, dinner, or to go on vacations. We were never "deep" friends mind you, but friends all the same.
When my A started to get really sick last winter, I reached out to them and they did not respond. They had nothing to say. Neither of them have contacted me since. This hurt my feelings very much. Sometimes I feel like I'll just never "get" people! I could never imagine not calling them if I had heard that something serious was going on in their lives.
Live and learn I guess.
I drifted away from many of my old college friends over the years...and especially when I started dating my A.
My friends at work have been a tremendous support to me this last year. I am so grateful for their cheer and companionship. We usually keep things light, which has been good for me...So good to have a break from all the thinking I do when I'm alone.
You know, I've found that dealing with an A is something that only a few people out there in your life can really understand and relate to. It's really heavy stuff. And if you haven't gone through it yourself, I think a lot of people just don't know what to say to you. Which is totally understandable.
Hang in there Chero...you are growing and changing and learning so much. It's to be expected that your growth will affect your relationships. It can be a good thing to call people on their b.s. But I try to do it in a gentle way as I can be quite forward at times. I just thought of one of my favorite quotes:
"Tact is the knack of making a point without making an enemy" - unknown
I'm always having to remind myself to have tact! I can be a little too intense at times!
When my A started to get really sick last winter, I reached out to them and they did not respond. They had nothing to say. Neither of them have contacted me since. This hurt my feelings very much. Sometimes I feel like I'll just never "get" people! I could never imagine not calling them if I had heard that something serious was going on in their lives.
Live and learn I guess.
I drifted away from many of my old college friends over the years...and especially when I started dating my A.
My friends at work have been a tremendous support to me this last year. I am so grateful for their cheer and companionship. We usually keep things light, which has been good for me...So good to have a break from all the thinking I do when I'm alone.
You know, I've found that dealing with an A is something that only a few people out there in your life can really understand and relate to. It's really heavy stuff. And if you haven't gone through it yourself, I think a lot of people just don't know what to say to you. Which is totally understandable.
Hang in there Chero...you are growing and changing and learning so much. It's to be expected that your growth will affect your relationships. It can be a good thing to call people on their b.s. But I try to do it in a gentle way as I can be quite forward at times. I just thought of one of my favorite quotes:
"Tact is the knack of making a point without making an enemy" - unknown
I'm always having to remind myself to have tact! I can be a little too intense at times!
full of hope
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Thanks for the words you guys. It just stinks, you know!
I know what I said to her couldn't have been said any more nicely than it was but it did need to be said. Maybe she was in shock. I was. I guess my new 'voice' scares me a little, too.
We talked and everything is fine now. But I know I won't ever let myself be abused or hurt again without standing up and saying something. I just can't go back. No matter how small the abuse and no matter who it is abusing. I just can't go back to that place.
I guess sometimes when you stand up for yourself....you stand alone.
I know what I said to her couldn't have been said any more nicely than it was but it did need to be said. Maybe she was in shock. I was. I guess my new 'voice' scares me a little, too.
We talked and everything is fine now. But I know I won't ever let myself be abused or hurt again without standing up and saying something. I just can't go back. No matter how small the abuse and no matter who it is abusing. I just can't go back to that place.
I guess sometimes when you stand up for yourself....you stand alone.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
i can relate...I'm acoa.
i love my dad..but he had a tasted of me standing up for
myself..i felt bad and guilty at first..I actaully broke down
and cried..But I just don't put up with abuse anymore...
he'll think twice ..will yeah he was shock...i changed.
I can't be around him yet..he's still drunk..
even if he would get sober..I still will not let him
do that to me again.
it's strange thou becuase after that..I didn't allow people
to abuse me anymore.. no freaken way..not any more..
I'm not reverting no matter what.
It's was a strange feeling becuase i was new to it.
i can't really put it into words to totally discribe it.
The closest i can say is...I got well.
and when it comes to dealing with my gf....it's
like i won't revert either..no freaken way..not anymore..
I'm not reverting no matter what.
it comes like grace or almost automatic..I don't struggle
with her..the codi/alki dance....that's over...no more.
not really we don't stand alone for long...
because after we break the border bullies of our comfortzone
Jack lighting comes...then Faith..then the General and
many other people comes into our new lives..
i love my dad..but he had a tasted of me standing up for
myself..i felt bad and guilty at first..I actaully broke down
and cried..But I just don't put up with abuse anymore...
he'll think twice ..will yeah he was shock...i changed.
I can't be around him yet..he's still drunk..
even if he would get sober..I still will not let him
do that to me again.
it's strange thou becuase after that..I didn't allow people
to abuse me anymore.. no freaken way..not any more..
I'm not reverting no matter what.
It's was a strange feeling becuase i was new to it.
i can't really put it into words to totally discribe it.
The closest i can say is...I got well.
and when it comes to dealing with my gf....it's
like i won't revert either..no freaken way..not anymore..
I'm not reverting no matter what.
it comes like grace or almost automatic..I don't struggle
with her..the codi/alki dance....that's over...no more.
not really we don't stand alone for long...
because after we break the border bullies of our comfortzone
Jack lighting comes...then Faith..then the General and
many other people comes into our new lives..
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
