lynnie

Hi Everyone,
I can't believe I am posting here. This is the THIRD alcoholic I have been in love with... After being with my abusive drug and alcholic abusing ex bf for over 8 years , I finally got out of it and promised myself that never again would I get involved with another one.. I was single for four years.. then last year I met my current bf..I made it clear to him that I didn't want to be with someone that drank too much. He isn't like my ex..who is a binge drinker. We have been together for six months and he is starting to show how much he really drinks. He hid his problem from me for months (putting vodka in coke cans) we have been living together now for 4 months and I found this site by searching for " why do they hide bottles ?" Because for the life of me I could figure out why I am finding bottles all over the place.. these bottles that I am finding do not have anything in them.. they are empty. I do not look for them.. they are found while I clean and I just throw them out. I have asked him very nicely time and time again to throw his bottles out.. and time and time again I still find them. Can anyone tell me why he would hide EMPTY bottles all over the place ? Probably a stupid question.. but I am curious..lol. Last weekend when I brought up how much he drinks , he tried to blame me for the amount he drinks.. claims he wasn't like this before. Does being a codie ever stop ? I thought after four years I was too smart to fall in love with another one.

Mr. Christian

Hi,

Have you been to Alanon?

ARealLady

That's your boundary which you put in place to protect yourself as a result of your past experiences. It is up to you to ENFORCE the boundary not him. You have absolutely no control over another person's behaviour. You can only control yourself.

I run for the hills if a new person I meet even hints there might be a problem with alcohol. You have to be able to recognize the RED FLAGS. Now, I don't know enough about your own situation but finding empties would be a big red flag (I don't know why they hide the empties....maybe to try to convince themselves they aren't drinking as much?).

Have you read Melody Beattie's "Co-dependent No More"? Invaluable!

ARL

MsGolightly

my guess would be he's drunk when he hides the bottles... and we all know it's pretty hard to think rationally when you're drunk

and i wouldn't blame yourself for falling in love with him! they know how to hide their addiction, and they know what kinds of people they need to find that will enable it. boundaries are an excellent idea, provided you follow through on them. are you planning on staying in the relationship either way?

SaTiT

all of my partners where alki or at the very least can drink like a fish..

yeap...that co-dependency stuff and those codi books exlpains alot
why I do the things I do and gives me instructions to resolves my problems.

splendra

I think hiding his bottles is symbolic...he thinks if he hides them nobody will know...

prodigal

To repeat Mr. C's question: Are you attending Al-anon? If not, I think it's time for you to give it serious consideration. Hon, I mean this with the kindest of intentions, but if you don't change yourself you will find yourself in the same situation over and over and over. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Why do they hide bottles? Denial, I suppose. They deny to themselves their drinking is as bad as it really is, so hiding the bottles allows them to lie to themselves.

Now you're bringing to his attention how much he drinks. The fact that he's gone to such lengths to hide it from himself should tip you off that attempting to discuss it will lead to a MAJOR WAR. You are messing with his "addiction business" and he WILL protect that addiction at any expense - including chewing you up and spitting you out, if he so desires.

Does being a codie ever stop, as in being totally cured? Not entirely. That's just my personal opinion. It can be put in remission, just as like an active A can put his disease into remission by working a program one day at a time. Putting our codie-ism into perspective and learning self-care takes work, patience, and time. I personally know several folks on this board who work very hard at their programs and are able to make healthier (and saner) choices for themselves, the partners they chose, and the life they lead.

You metioned in your post you and your bf have been together for 6 months and living together for 4 months. Perhaps that could be a red flag for you ... moving in before you really got to know him. Maybe you would have found out about his "closet drinking" before chosing your current live-in situation.

P.S. - He was boozing before you met him just like he's doing now. It's called "quacking," or as I prefer to call it, "blah, blah, blah ..." (What a crock!) You made it clear you didn't want to be around someone who abused alcohol. Now you find that you are. Are you willing to enforce your boundary?

lynnie

I have been to alanon in the past . Just not this time around.. yet. I am disappointed in myself for being in this position.. again. I have never been so cautious in the beginning of a relationship as this one.. I thought I did everything right, all my experience with being with an alcoholic and my fears of being with another one did not protect me from falling for another one. I was very guarded and he knew it .. as soon as I decided to give this relationship everything I had and let my guard down... POOF... out comes this stranger .. a cold condescending stranger that drinks everyday and the one day he didn't drink this week... well he came home early the next day at 10 am and drank all day to make up for it...ugh. I had not a clue that he was like this and he certainly had me fooled.. and I don't want to fool myself into thinking that the man I fell in love with is ever coming back. I feel so stupid, and it hurts this time just like the time before. I guess I am here before I can fall back into my old habits of enabling. It is very hard for me to get to a meeting because I have a child but I guess I will have to find a way. I am sure you all have heard this a million times so please be patient with me as I sulk and feel sorry for myself..

lynnie

I should also say... I did run for the hills in the beginning.. I am a bit of a commitmentphobe and extremely cautious with anyone. He chased relentlessly and I felt he was "the one". I am kind of lost, I don't think that man in the beginning really exists. Do alcoholics tell you whatever you need to hear just to bring you in and then turn around and do complete personality changes once they have all of you ?

LovesLife

It is so true that you never really know someone until you live with them. So just be glad that you have found this out BEFORE there is a marriage.
Don't kid yourself and think you can change him. Stick to your promise to yourself and get out now. There are other people to meet, and you are not giving yourself that chance staying where you are. Until then, wouldn't it be better to be by yourself. At least then you know what to expect everyday........just some thoughts.

denny57

Hey lynnie, welcome - and don't beat yourself up to much.

Prodigal pointed out something that also occurred to me. For a long time, I kept pointing to all the problems caused by the drinking, but I've learned to look at my own behaviors. A good question in your situation might be why did I move in with someone after dating them for only 2 months? That's not a judgment - just a question. Looking back almost 20 years now, I can see I "fell in love" far too quickly with AH and then spent many, many years trying to turn the relationship into something it was not. If I had paid attention to the red flags then, as I intend (LOL) to do now, I might have done things differently. I say might, because I was young, in love, and no one was telling me anything! LOL

If not Al-Anon (which I do attend and enjoy), have you considered one on one therapy? I have learned a lot about myself and the reasons for the choices I make. In both cases, having people who see things with fresh eyes and viewpoints has really helped me grow.

Take care of yourself.

leenymclaugh

After I divorced my first husband and started "looking" for someone else, I made it quite clear to any potential "mates" that in no way, shape or form can I see someone who is an alcoholic or has a drinking problem. I "screened" them carefully. Now, my idea of an alcoholic was someone who was mean, rotten, ugly and verybally abusive when they were drinking. Sooo, when I met my current husband, he was none of those things -- when we would go out he'd have a beer. Period. What I found out 2 years later, when I found the empty bottles in out of the way places, was that he was in fact a closet alcoholic. He never used to be a closet alcoholic -- he just started doing that when he met me beause I was vehement about NOT drinking problematically. So he hid them. He also hid them because if he threw them out then I would see them in the garbage can and I would know. Once I started finding the bottles, it hit me like a ton of bricks. Darnitall, another alcoholic! But I had been in denial -- he wasn't mean, rotten, nasty, verbally or emotionally abusive, so it oculdn't be all that bad, right? Technically, at that time, right...except for my obsession about the hiding of the drink. My obsession of the fact that he felt he had to drink. My obsession of how much he was drinking and where he moved the hiding place to. My obsession of what he was doing when he wasn't home...my obsesion with ___________. My whole life (and at this time I had 2 kids, one from my 1st marriage and one from this marriage) revolved about this obsession I had w/him and his drinking. To think of all the wasted time! How I was physically there for my kids, but surely not emotionally. But...those times led me to Al-Anon. I spiraled out of control for rougly 4 years or so. Just as their disease progresses, so does ours. If I go untreated (i.e. no Al-Anon) I will slip right back into those old patterns. I will continue to look for people who I can "fix" (of course, I know now that I can't fix anyone, only myself..and at that I need love and support from the fellowship and my HP). This is why, IMHO, Al-Anon or another 12 step program is so vitally important. I learn where the foucs needs to be; I learn to live and think healthier, which makes my life far greater.

CE Girl

Hi Lynnie,,WELCOME to another Northeasterner !!!

I can relate to your questioning how the man who pursued you turned out to be the TOTAL opposite of what he portrayed. I've often asked myself if my STBXA was SMART enough to be that conniving?!?!?!? he,he,he

Turns out, it's part of his alkie personality. I've since seen it in "real" with not only myself, but others. People, places, things are merely a means to an end to continue doing what he wants, being with his "buddy", (yup, he calls his bottle that).

I like you moved in and saw a whole different side of him. got to the point I had to save myself. didn't take long either. Figured, get out now while the getting's good.

It's been 3 months, but working my program and SR has helped me TREMENDOUSLY,,,

Keep posting and reaching out for support

Peace