What am I supposed to say?
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
What am I supposed to say?
My friends husband came to work(this immediately meant something was wrong) and my friend said, "What are you doing here?" Her husband said I came to take you home. Your oldest brother had a heart attack and died. This was completely unexpected.
I've stayed in close contact with her the past couple of days and I find myself struggling for comforting things to say to her. She is the youngest of 6 kids. Her father was a mean drunk and sexually abused every one of the kids before they were taken away and seperated in 1964. Her mother abandoned them to this father when she was 5. A couple oif years later, the oldest sister was 18 and turned the father in. All the children were removed after an investigation except the sister who was 18 and the father knew she was the one who turned him in.
The kids were all seperated into foster homes and lost touch. Fast forward.
As adults they found each other. Three girls and three boys. The oldest sister lived in Texas and was a heroin addict and alcoholic. One brother committed suicide after he molested a child. One sister married an alcoholic who is now in a long term hospital because he has dialysis and many other medical problems. The other sister is married and lives a very humble existance. Very humble. Poverty actually.
One brother is dull mentally and requires supervison. The oldest brother is the one who died. All of the boys are registered sex offenders. My friend is the only one who has a good job, a great husband and a nice home. Her two daughters are normal.
Her father is a mean old man in a nursing home about an hour away. He was placed there after a very long stay in ICU for a variety of all the long term effects of alcohol. He now has dementia. They all bicker and blame her, she's the one who brought all this back up again by going to councling. She's been seeing the same therapist for years.
Today is the wake and tomorrow the funeral. This brother had the heartattack getting his house ready for his sons wedding this weekend.
Up until this death, my friend was excluded from the wedding because the brother who died was very mad at her. He was an alcoholic and she recently learned that he had sexually abused his step daughter.
She is crying one minute and furious the next.
Now, these people are all getting together today and instead of mourning, they will most likely have some kind of brawl.
I just keep reassuring her that she can get in her car and head home if it gets ugly.
I post this for three reasons, I'm running out of things to say to her and second, to show how devasting one mans drinking was to a whole family and third, to ask for prayers for this incredible woman who has to stand over his casket today.
There is something terribly wrong with these people. My friends father will get checked out of the home to attend and she isn't sure how she'll feel about facing him as an adult woman.
So today she will be in a room with four sex offenders, one dead. One sister too messed up to come and one sister too poor to come. so my friend is giving her gas money to come.
I'm tempted to advise her not to go.
I know there could be some kind of closure for her but...
Should a person ever have to face someone who sexually abused them again?
Her father isn't sorry, he's a caustic mentally fried old man.
The more I think about it, the more I think I should suggest that it would be OK for her not to attend.
I've stayed in close contact with her the past couple of days and I find myself struggling for comforting things to say to her. She is the youngest of 6 kids. Her father was a mean drunk and sexually abused every one of the kids before they were taken away and seperated in 1964. Her mother abandoned them to this father when she was 5. A couple oif years later, the oldest sister was 18 and turned the father in. All the children were removed after an investigation except the sister who was 18 and the father knew she was the one who turned him in.
The kids were all seperated into foster homes and lost touch. Fast forward.
As adults they found each other. Three girls and three boys. The oldest sister lived in Texas and was a heroin addict and alcoholic. One brother committed suicide after he molested a child. One sister married an alcoholic who is now in a long term hospital because he has dialysis and many other medical problems. The other sister is married and lives a very humble existance. Very humble. Poverty actually.
One brother is dull mentally and requires supervison. The oldest brother is the one who died. All of the boys are registered sex offenders. My friend is the only one who has a good job, a great husband and a nice home. Her two daughters are normal.
Her father is a mean old man in a nursing home about an hour away. He was placed there after a very long stay in ICU for a variety of all the long term effects of alcohol. He now has dementia. They all bicker and blame her, she's the one who brought all this back up again by going to councling. She's been seeing the same therapist for years.
Today is the wake and tomorrow the funeral. This brother had the heartattack getting his house ready for his sons wedding this weekend.
Up until this death, my friend was excluded from the wedding because the brother who died was very mad at her. He was an alcoholic and she recently learned that he had sexually abused his step daughter.
She is crying one minute and furious the next.
Now, these people are all getting together today and instead of mourning, they will most likely have some kind of brawl.
I just keep reassuring her that she can get in her car and head home if it gets ugly.
I post this for three reasons, I'm running out of things to say to her and second, to show how devasting one mans drinking was to a whole family and third, to ask for prayers for this incredible woman who has to stand over his casket today.
There is something terribly wrong with these people. My friends father will get checked out of the home to attend and she isn't sure how she'll feel about facing him as an adult woman.
So today she will be in a room with four sex offenders, one dead. One sister too messed up to come and one sister too poor to come. so my friend is giving her gas money to come.
I'm tempted to advise her not to go.
I know there could be some kind of closure for her but...
Should a person ever have to face someone who sexually abused them again?
Her father isn't sorry, he's a caustic mentally fried old man.
The more I think about it, the more I think I should suggest that it would be OK for her not to attend.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
hi mallow
i think considering the circumstances, i would find a way to celebrate my brothers life in another way, other than facing all these people that have caused me so much harm.
no way would i go. i would send flowers, if i wanted, and spend a quiet hour reading the bible and praying for my family.
how fortunate she is to have such a caring friend as yourself.
i don't think a person should ever have to face someone who has sexually abused them.....although i may have worked past the harm, i just wouldn't be comfortable around that person. understanding the situation and working through it does not always mean tolerance of being in that persons presence....even during funerals, weddings, etc. i would take care of me. period.
i hope your friend makes a decision that she is comfortable with and will take care of herself.
another suggestion.....she could always call the mortuary, and make special arrangements for visitation by herself should she want to view her brother.
jeri
i think considering the circumstances, i would find a way to celebrate my brothers life in another way, other than facing all these people that have caused me so much harm.
no way would i go. i would send flowers, if i wanted, and spend a quiet hour reading the bible and praying for my family.
how fortunate she is to have such a caring friend as yourself.
i don't think a person should ever have to face someone who has sexually abused them.....although i may have worked past the harm, i just wouldn't be comfortable around that person. understanding the situation and working through it does not always mean tolerance of being in that persons presence....even during funerals, weddings, etc. i would take care of me. period.
i hope your friend makes a decision that she is comfortable with and will take care of herself.
another suggestion.....she could always call the mortuary, and make special arrangements for visitation by herself should she want to view her brother.
jeri
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(((hugs))))
Many prayers out to her-
And how amazing of a friend you are not only to us but to her.
I agree also that no one should ever have to face the person who has abused them in any shape or form. Everyone has different levels of forgiveness and I do not believe that even the most forgiveness given to some one should ever have to face this horrifying situation.
My mom was sexually abused by her father and so were a few cousins and my mom's sister. All of them are in denial except my mom-so the others in the family are so angry with her but, she continues to go to family things whatever they maybe. I know that the pain eats at her in some form as she has forgiven her father.
If I know you from your posts are on here you are doing what you can for her and sometimes saying something may not be what she is looking for-(Are you going with her today?) You can always continue to just tell her that you are at a loss for words but to please know that you are here for her in everyway possible-and willing to talk if she needs.
I like embraced suggestion of making special arrangements for visiting when everyone is gone-and she can always go to the cemetary aftwards also-if I knew I could have done that when my husband passed I would have done so to avoid alot of people!
Sending many prayers to your friend Mallow and prayers and comfort to you!
I wish her strength today whatever she decides to do-
Many prayers out to her-
And how amazing of a friend you are not only to us but to her.
I agree also that no one should ever have to face the person who has abused them in any shape or form. Everyone has different levels of forgiveness and I do not believe that even the most forgiveness given to some one should ever have to face this horrifying situation.
My mom was sexually abused by her father and so were a few cousins and my mom's sister. All of them are in denial except my mom-so the others in the family are so angry with her but, she continues to go to family things whatever they maybe. I know that the pain eats at her in some form as she has forgiven her father.
If I know you from your posts are on here you are doing what you can for her and sometimes saying something may not be what she is looking for-(Are you going with her today?) You can always continue to just tell her that you are at a loss for words but to please know that you are here for her in everyway possible-and willing to talk if she needs.
I like embraced suggestion of making special arrangements for visiting when everyone is gone-and she can always go to the cemetary aftwards also-if I knew I could have done that when my husband passed I would have done so to avoid alot of people!
Sending many prayers to your friend Mallow and prayers and comfort to you!
I wish her strength today whatever she decides to do-
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
i agree with jeri. i would suggest that she doesn't need to go... i'm not sure anything good will come out of it, and it will probably stir up memories of her past.
in the end, it's her choice, i guess. let us know what happened.
in the end, it's her choice, i guess. let us know what happened.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Hurricane Alley, Fl
Posts: 119
You are a wonderful friend...
Boy, I understand the ancient familiy pull, the need to connect with the craziest of relatives (tho I do think she has me beat on that one...) but ~ sometimes it's good when you can declare asylum visiting hours are over.
She didn't just lose one brother, she has lost an entire family to madness, and worse....
Boy, I understand the ancient familiy pull, the need to connect with the craziest of relatives (tho I do think she has me beat on that one...) but ~ sometimes it's good when you can declare asylum visiting hours are over.
She didn't just lose one brother, she has lost an entire family to madness, and worse....
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Perhaps she could write him a letter.... or even a series of letters - one for each family member.
I am so sorry she has had this path... though it seems of the bunch, hers has been somewhat less rocky, overall.
Please let her know folks here are praying for her... that she can find some comfort and relief and comfort during this awful time.
Thanks, Mallowcup. You are a good friend.
(((hugs)))
I am so sorry she has had this path... though it seems of the bunch, hers has been somewhat less rocky, overall.
Please let her know folks here are praying for her... that she can find some comfort and relief and comfort during this awful time.
Thanks, Mallowcup. You are a good friend.
(((hugs)))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
Thanks everyone. This woman probably has the kindest heart of anyone I know. She just wants everything to be OK finally. She measures that wish on HER degree of recovery and I hate reminding her that her sibblings have had no therapy at all.
I am half waiting for her call telling me they threw her out or made a big spectacle. I keep reminding her how wonderful her husband is and how safe and happy her own home is. She has friends who love her so much and her pain is our pain.
Of course she also gravitated to pediatric nursing determined to nurture every little kiddo. She really loves every little one who comes to our unit.
We had both volunteered our tie from 7pm to 7am tonight for Camp Inspiration, which is special week of camp for kids on ventilators. They do all kinds of things within their limitations. I'm half way hoping she cans the idea of the funeral and comes to spend the night with me around the camp fire. Thanks everyone. I'd love top refer her here but she isn't aware of some of my "stuff". Glad I have all of you, thanks!
I am half waiting for her call telling me they threw her out or made a big spectacle. I keep reminding her how wonderful her husband is and how safe and happy her own home is. She has friends who love her so much and her pain is our pain.
Of course she also gravitated to pediatric nursing determined to nurture every little kiddo. She really loves every little one who comes to our unit.
We had both volunteered our tie from 7pm to 7am tonight for Camp Inspiration, which is special week of camp for kids on ventilators. They do all kinds of things within their limitations. I'm half way hoping she cans the idea of the funeral and comes to spend the night with me around the camp fire. Thanks everyone. I'd love top refer her here but she isn't aware of some of my "stuff". Glad I have all of you, thanks!
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
mallow it sounds like you're doing great with her. i'm sure she knows her life is better than that of her siblings, sometimes it's just a harsh reality to face. it's hard, she probably feels these ties to her family and to her father, despite the abuse, and brushing off family isn't something that's easy. i'm so glad she has a friend like you that understands and can support her decisions.
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Join Date: May 2007
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Posts: 665
mallow,,your doing all you can for her. The fact she has you to talk to and TURN to should things go south is worth its weight in gold.
However, mourning is very "personal". We all do it in our own way, and our own time. Whatever decison your friend makes in terms of letting go of what once was has to be right for her. I don't know if i'd go. with my codie heart, I wuold rpbably be thinking, "another chance". Reality has a way of biting us though, no matter how many loving and wonderful people we have in our lives. Sometimes, we just got to find out for ourselves.
But to have a mallow to call after is the BIGGEST gift!!!!
Your one special person Mallow
Peace
However, mourning is very "personal". We all do it in our own way, and our own time. Whatever decison your friend makes in terms of letting go of what once was has to be right for her. I don't know if i'd go. with my codie heart, I wuold rpbably be thinking, "another chance". Reality has a way of biting us though, no matter how many loving and wonderful people we have in our lives. Sometimes, we just got to find out for ourselves.
But to have a mallow to call after is the BIGGEST gift!!!!
Your one special person Mallow
Peace
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
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I just called her to see how she was doing today and what time the wake was. She said it was 6-8pm tonight. She has spoken to some of the family and she said they are very tight lipped about the get togethers before and after the funeral. She said they are also not taking this opportunity to invite her to the wedding.
I get a good idea that this will be a horrible encounter for her.
I told her I will be at camp and the kids will most likely be in bed early so that leaves a whole night of nothing but time to talk. I told her I'm bringing my coffee pot and she knows where I am. She said she will most likely drive up when she gets home no matter how it goes. I was thinking that maybe that would give her a plan to follow which is good.
I told her she is the normal one and because she is the normal one, she is left out because they don't understand or feel comnfortable around normal.
She went from sobbing to laughing and that will probably happen about a million times today. I know she'll show up tonight and at least her day will end on a peaceful note.
I get a good idea that this will be a horrible encounter for her.
I told her I will be at camp and the kids will most likely be in bed early so that leaves a whole night of nothing but time to talk. I told her I'm bringing my coffee pot and she knows where I am. She said she will most likely drive up when she gets home no matter how it goes. I was thinking that maybe that would give her a plan to follow which is good.
I told her she is the normal one and because she is the normal one, she is left out because they don't understand or feel comnfortable around normal.
She went from sobbing to laughing and that will probably happen about a million times today. I know she'll show up tonight and at least her day will end on a peaceful note.
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Join Date: Sep 2006
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Posts: 680
(((Mallow))) Just continue being there for her right now.
I personally would not go to the wake either, as I get older and wiser (?) I am realizing that something that is right for one person may not be for another.
I will keep you both in my thoughts and prayers today.
I personally would not go to the wake either, as I get older and wiser (?) I am realizing that something that is right for one person may not be for another.
I will keep you both in my thoughts and prayers today.
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Join Date: Dec 2005
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I will pray that God may open the hearts and minds of the family members so that they stop causing suffering to her and to others.
On a practical/advice level, if it were me and my friend, I would support her in NOT going and in letting go of these people even more .
I, too, had a very damaging family and I no longer feel compelled to expose myself to their toxicity. For any reason, or drama.This includes weddings and funerals.
But, thats just me.
She can honor the dead brother's life privately and heep her sanity.
On a practical/advice level, if it were me and my friend, I would support her in NOT going and in letting go of these people even more .
I, too, had a very damaging family and I no longer feel compelled to expose myself to their toxicity. For any reason, or drama.This includes weddings and funerals.
But, thats just me.
She can honor the dead brother's life privately and heep her sanity.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Backwoods, PA
Posts: 223
I understand! That is a very difficult scenario. I have learned that if I'm in doubt....I don't. I have also realized that if a situation is going to, knowingly, be painful for me.....I don't go! As my friends on SR have taught me....Stay away from toxic people.
You are such a good friend, Mallowcup!
You are such a good friend, Mallowcup!
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