mec

Thank you all for the good information and I will take what I want and leave the rest... I know that I have to think about me first... and I have been... I just wanted to thank you all again....

leenymclaugh

I love this thread; thanks all for your responses. Does sound like alot of us can't stay married to the alocholic -- me included w/my first marriage. However, with my first marriage, I didn't have Al-Anon (as I look back to the urinating in the bed and the release of bowels in the bed, I'm not sure that Al-Anon could have saved my outlook on THAT marriage anyhow -- I spent the last 7 yrs of the marriage on the couch to save myself from waking up to a messy bed -- and I apologize if that's too much information, but this program is about honesty).

Fast forward to my 2nd marriage -- I found Al-Anon in Sept of 05 and stayed for 3 months, then left, then foundn it again a year ago May and have been attending 5 meetings a week -- I'm in my 8th year of marriage and it was in the 3rd year I found out he was a closet alcoholic. Of course, the disease progresses and by Sept 05 his body wasn't handling the alcohol very well (he was a maintenance drinkker) and he found himself in the drs. office and then off to the hospital in an ambulance. That was our awakening to his disease. And the start of many bouts of recovery and relapse. It was also the start of MY recovery, even though I left Al-Anon from Dec-May. What I picked up from the 3 months I did go kept me going until I went back.

You say, Wanttobefree, that "they don't suffer, we do". I would have to disagree for I believe that we both suffer. Differently, but suffer none the less. As our Tradition 5 states "...by encouraging and understanding our alcoholic relatives". Easier said than done. Part of my understanding of my alcoholic is that he DOES suffer, horribly. Daily w/o a recovery program of his own, and even in recovery, there's suffering. In many of the same ways we do -- the guilt, the shame, their own broken promises, the lies and then throw in those that live w/someone who is NOT in Al-Anon, the nagging, the controlling, the mistrust (deservedly, of course) and it gets very ugly.

In Al-Anon, I have found a better way to live, and I"m still married to my alcoholic. I've learned to be happy because Al-Anon has taught me that happiness is an inside job. I've learned to be happy because I know I am powerless over people, places and things and no matter what I do, I can't control another human being.

Talk about stress -- thinking I was the god almighty who knew what was best for everyone around me (non-alcoholics included) and I knew how people should be and how best to get things done the right way and then my focus was just being sure that I said to people what it was that they needed to do or be in words that they could understand so they could have their own spiritual awakening, of me, brought on by me. The "ahhh, now I get it, I need to do it YOUR way because only YOU know what is best for me; why did it take me soooo long to realize this". This was CRAZY behavior. No wonder it never worked!!!

On detachment: frankly, I suck at detachment with love, but I have been able to detach with like. I no longer have to detach with hate. This is progress for me, and Al-Anon is a program of progress, not perfection. I understand that I am one of the lucky ones in that my husband does at least have periods of recovery. These periods are a gift from God (my higher power). I've also learned I get many gifts from God, each and every day, and when I keep the focus on ME, where it belongs, I am better able to not only see these gifts, but enjoy them as well.

Al-Anon has not only saved my life, but it has given me a life. I sooo suffered from the family disease of alcoholism from the time I was just a very little girl, and it took me until I was 38 to realize I was sick too. What a life I have now. What power comes from Steps 1, 2 and 3. I'm currently on Step 4, where I think the very freeing stuff lies, and I look forward to completing it and moving on.

The bottom line for me, in my situation (marriage) is that for today I will stay with my husband. For today I will keep the focus on me and be one with my HP and live my life to the very fullest I can...for today. I don't know what tomorrow brings. Today I don't care what tomorrow brings for if I do, I will miss out on today and all the gifts I will receive. The "what ifs" are no longer in my vocabulary (when I work a good program anyhow) because again, if I'm "what iffing", then I'm not focusing on myself and today and I'm missing all the gifts all around me.

I should also note, that when my AH does relapse and/or not work his program, he doesn't get abusive of any kind, which does make it easier to stay with him. Of course, all forms of family relations (except the sex part of the marriage) goes out the window, but for me, if there's no abuse, it's easier to stay.

I always have to remember one word (well I need to remember many words, really, but one stands out): HOPE. I will always have hope. As long as I have my HP with me, I have HOPE and no one can take it away from me.

Thanks for letting me ramble. Take what you like and leave the rest.
Hugs,
Eileen

newenglandgirl

(((mec)))

You've gotten great advice here. Loving an addict/alcoholic is tough stuff. Keep reading and posting...there's lots of wisdom and support to be found in these pages. Welcome.

When I look back to the time when I thought I would stay in the marriage to my AH, I realize now that I thought, back then, that that was as good as it gets! ha!

I rationalized the problems to myself thinking that all relationships have problems and that no one is perfect. Simply put, I was willing to settle for unacceptable behavior.

It took a lot of hard thinking and growing (thanks SR) to wake up and realize that I did NOT deserve to be a caretaker to an alcoholic for the rest of my life.

I realized that it was my RIGHT to DEMAND ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR from my partner.

That was when I started to lay down the law (a.k.a. establish boundaries).

For me that meant telling my AH that he 1) needed to quit drinking 2) get professional help.

When he refused to do either, that meant that I needed to follow through with my boundary, which meant leaving him. End of story. Period. This is how I saved myself.

It took me a long time to understand this, but eventually I realized that getting well was 100% HIS CHOICE. If he chose life, I would stay. Otherwise, I was out. I was unwilling to put up with a middle ground; unwilling to put up with the b.s. of the alcoholic lies and manipulation.

I stopped listening to him, and started watching his actions.

They will tell you everything and anything to get what they want. My AH can sound so sincere...but I figured out that no matter what he said, he just kept doing the same ole, same ole. If nothing changes, nothing changes, so they say.

So I CHANGED.

I had to ask myself "are you willing to spend the rest of your precious life with someone who you cannot trust? Are you willing to stay with a man who does not cherish you; who is married to his bottle?" I had to answer these questions for myself before I knew that leaving was the only choice for me.

How could I have possibly stayed with someone who was mean to me? Who said those things to me? Who I could never have children with (due to his drinking)? Who did not protect me? Who repeatedly chose getting high over being my friend? etc etc.

Detaching was not an option for me. For me, that would have meant a slow emotional and spiritual death; the sacrifice of my life on the alter of his sick, sick addiction.

I'd rather be alone then subject myself to living with an alcoholic.

leenymclaugh

I look at it this way -- I took the vow of "in sickness and in health" (sidebar: he is not abusive to me in any way) so I owe it to ME, in keeping with the vows I took, to do my part in this marriage. If my husband had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's or Bi-Polar Disorder, which are mind altering/behavior altering diseases, would I jump ship? I would have to find a way to live my life w/a person who has a disease. My husband is a good, loving man iwho happens to suffer from the disease of alcohol, and I'll work on my marriage with him for as long as I feel I can. Today, I have that way, in the Al-Anon program.

We all have to take care of ourselves, and for each person that may be doing things differently than the others; what works for me may not work for you. I don't advocate leaving the alcoholic OR staying with the alcoholic, because I've done it both ways. But for me, for today, I find that I can be, and am, quite happy with my life and the life of my family.

Thanks for letting me share (take what you like and leave the rest).
Hugs,
Eileen

lilac

(((Hugs to you))))..........

I had to physically leave our house before things made a turn for the better.

Take your time......go at your own pace, there is no right or wrong. But always take care of YOU first.

It has taken time, but I am trusting again.

Cecilia

Ive been married for 36 years the only advice I would give you is be independent. I have always had my own money. I have always known I could take care of myself. I didnt HAVE to be with my husband. I CHOSE to be with him. When you depend on someone totally you give them power over you. Some people can handle that. I never could.



If you dont trust him. I wouldnt marry him. From a practical stand point divorce is expensive. Whats your hurry. If youre thinking marriage will make him into a different person, it wont.

mec

once again I want to thank you all and you have givin me some good information... and right now I am learning to depend on only myself... and that is the best way for me right now... on the marrage thing... not sure at this time.. but who knows... like someone said in here...(Can't remember who) we marry till death do us part... and if I do marry this man that is what it is going to be.. for better or worse... in sickness and health...

thanks again...