scared
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 633
scared
I gave my AH the "get help or get out" talk (we have been married for 16 years fri and I "detached" years ago but just had it with him in general), he has been in counseling for two weeks and went CT yesterday after tapering down for 3 weeks. He is doing "ok" other than physical discomfort (I don't miss the drunk quacking for sure) but for some reason I am more scared than ever.
I am not scared for the reasons most women would be, money is not an issue (I make 3 times what he does and the mortgage is in my name only),and he is not physically abusive. I am not afraid to be alone, actually I would welcome it at this point.
I am afraid he will relapse and things will be worse than ever. I am afraid that I tried for nothing and our son will watch his father spiral downward when (not if) I throw him out. I am more afraid now than I am watching him drink 12 beers every night.
I am not scared for the reasons most women would be, money is not an issue (I make 3 times what he does and the mortgage is in my name only),and he is not physically abusive. I am not afraid to be alone, actually I would welcome it at this point.
I am afraid he will relapse and things will be worse than ever. I am afraid that I tried for nothing and our son will watch his father spiral downward when (not if) I throw him out. I am more afraid now than I am watching him drink 12 beers every night.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Welcome to SR hadenoughnow.... Im glad your here....
Fear is a powerful emotion and I dont blame you for being afraid ...... I think it is normal to have those fears when your with an alcoholic.... Heck, the man I love is also an Alcoholic with 2 years sober and I still think about the what ifs .... the fear could take over if I let it.
My feelings is that when its family/love there is never a "trying for nothing" If your husband is trying to get help and is trying to stop drinking then he knows he has a problem and that is the hardest hurdle...
Have you considered Al-anon... I dont know if I could get by without it ..... We who love Alcoholics need the support more then we usually know.
Fear is a powerful emotion and I dont blame you for being afraid ...... I think it is normal to have those fears when your with an alcoholic.... Heck, the man I love is also an Alcoholic with 2 years sober and I still think about the what ifs .... the fear could take over if I let it.
My feelings is that when its family/love there is never a "trying for nothing" If your husband is trying to get help and is trying to stop drinking then he knows he has a problem and that is the hardest hurdle...
Have you considered Al-anon... I dont know if I could get by without it ..... We who love Alcoholics need the support more then we usually know.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Welcome Hadenough,
Glad you reached out for help for you.
I have found such comfort in my f2f meetings, SR, talking with other recovery friends, reading Al-Anon literature and improving my conscience contact with my HP.
Hope you will continue to share with us,
Rita
Glad you reached out for help for you.
I have found such comfort in my f2f meetings, SR, talking with other recovery friends, reading Al-Anon literature and improving my conscience contact with my HP.
Hope you will continue to share with us,
Rita
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
Welcome to SR HadEnoughNow,,,
Good for you to recognize detaching. That was the first hurdle for me.
the next, was whether or not I could live with the very real possibility of a relapse. It took a lot of courage on my part to face the cold hard honest truth about what I wanted and what I could live with.
For me, that fear of relapse was more than I could handle. The roller coaster ride of the stages of the disease too much to handle. Every time my A relapsed it was worse than the time before. But I also worried about what if's, what if he got better, stayed sober and became successful against his disease. Would I feel i had abondoned him, and maybe possibly given up everything I wanted? I tell ya, what it came down to was, what was HEALTHY thinking, and what was CODIE thinking.
Detaching and forming boundries was HEALTHY for him AND ME. Staying and trying to play out the what if's only added to the craziness and ALLOWED him to continue being "comfortable" in his alcoholism. Living my life "twisting" with every "what if" was compromising and CODIE thinking.
I'm a peace loving hippie,,,wasn't having any of that with my A,,,,
keep posting, keep reading, go to meetings, talk to the spirits (hp), but most of all give yourself TIME to decide what it is you want for YOU.
After all, isn't it about time it be all about you?
Peace
Good for you to recognize detaching. That was the first hurdle for me.
the next, was whether or not I could live with the very real possibility of a relapse. It took a lot of courage on my part to face the cold hard honest truth about what I wanted and what I could live with.
For me, that fear of relapse was more than I could handle. The roller coaster ride of the stages of the disease too much to handle. Every time my A relapsed it was worse than the time before. But I also worried about what if's, what if he got better, stayed sober and became successful against his disease. Would I feel i had abondoned him, and maybe possibly given up everything I wanted? I tell ya, what it came down to was, what was HEALTHY thinking, and what was CODIE thinking.
Detaching and forming boundries was HEALTHY for him AND ME. Staying and trying to play out the what if's only added to the craziness and ALLOWED him to continue being "comfortable" in his alcoholism. Living my life "twisting" with every "what if" was compromising and CODIE thinking.
I'm a peace loving hippie,,,wasn't having any of that with my A,,,,
keep posting, keep reading, go to meetings, talk to the spirits (hp), but most of all give yourself TIME to decide what it is you want for YOU.
After all, isn't it about time it be all about you?
Peace
scared Recovering Nicely
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
Hadenough,
I can certainly understand your thoughts. I gave my AH the same speech a few weeks ago, and he went away to rehab. He seems like he's with the program now, and all excited about being sober and doing what he needs to do, but he's there, not here. I am also nervous for when he comes home (I'm picking him up this Friday) and if you read my posts here for the past three weeks, you'll see I was looking for excuses not to be with him for fear of relapse. I have been with him over 20 years and in between he had over 14 years sober, yet relapsed. It's a very real possibility, something I too dread. I have since gone to two meetings and two therapy sessions, and am feeling much better. Maybe try and meeting or two and see how you feel. Good luck to you and keep us posted.
QT
I can certainly understand your thoughts. I gave my AH the same speech a few weeks ago, and he went away to rehab. He seems like he's with the program now, and all excited about being sober and doing what he needs to do, but he's there, not here. I am also nervous for when he comes home (I'm picking him up this Friday) and if you read my posts here for the past three weeks, you'll see I was looking for excuses not to be with him for fear of relapse. I have been with him over 20 years and in between he had over 14 years sober, yet relapsed. It's a very real possibility, something I too dread. I have since gone to two meetings and two therapy sessions, and am feeling much better. Maybe try and meeting or two and see how you feel. Good luck to you and keep us posted.
QT
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: concord, nc
Posts: 304
My girls watched their father spiral downward. No one could stop it. Believe me, we tried. For my AH, the relapses were more frequent. But that is just my situation. I know how it feels to live with the fear that you described. Walking on eggshells, no way to live. Everytime my girls would come home, they would always open the door with a look of dread of their face, never knowing what to expect. He has been gone for several months. Now when they open the door, they know what to expect--me, a dog, and a cat. Most importantly, no eggshells. I am glad you have found this board. This board literally saved me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Virginia Beach, VA
Posts: 29
Welcome!!!! You are at the right place. Sobriety is very possible. But to just be clean does not work. He has a lot of inner descovery to do. I am in a relationship with a man who has 11 years. I thought when I met him what strength. It is a battle everyday for him. To not use to deal with life. Things many people find they go through daily but always survive. This is a day by day step by step process. As a parent myself. You will do what is right for your son. The fear will destroy you you if you let it. Let go and let God. While you are in fear of what he does next you will lose a piece of you everyday. Be strong and have faith for you and for your son. Regardless of what happens you will always have you and your son. his is his battle. Offer support to him but there is a very fine line before it is co dependent. The first step is to acknowledge the fear not make excuses. You have acknowledged. Now take it one day and one step at a time. Alanon if you have not tried will help more than you could imagine. This forum has truly saved me time and time again. You will find the support "you" need here. In my prayers best wishes
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