New and Confused
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Chicago IL
Posts: 184
New and Confused
Hi Everyone...Been lurking for some time and need help understanding my situation.
If your "AH" has never been evaluated, but more than likely would be diagnosed an alcoholic if he was, how do you know what you are dealing with???? Sometimes I think he is just a mean ornery @#%!*&@ and other times I feel real sorry for him because I know its the drinking. He doesn't have a very supportive family (mom, brother and sister) and he blames me for everything from his drinking to his lot in life. He picks fights with me and our two sons (teenagers, 13 & 15). Yesterday, I thought he was going to blow a gasket because one of the kids used a wrench and misplaced it. We are not allowed to use his things and he locks everything up including the handle for the backyard spigot.
I never used to count his beer, but found myself doing it recently. He drinks 16oz beers 8-12 at a time. His theory is that he doesn't have a problem because it is only beer not hard alcohol and he works everyday. Only I have problems...I let everyone use me, including my family (who I don't know what I would do without...very supportive) and I spend way too much money on things like food and living expenses. (I work full time and make 25K more a year than him).
He is divorced from his first wife and his daughter from that marriage will not speak to him and hasn't since she was 14 (now 25). He refuses to open mail unless he is in a fighting mood and has not taken resposibility for our finances for the 20+ years we have been together (this is why our debt is my fault and not his). He has lost two jobs...one for open beer in company vehicle and the other for not obeying a supervisor's direction (they had a personality conflict...go figure?). The last was not his doing, but still affected our finances.
I am seeing a counselor through my company's employee assistance program and she is wonderful...she has advised me to go to an Alanon meeting and I am going to my first meeting tonight. I am tired of "walking on eggshells" and want a better life for me and for our kids. We deserve it.
Bottom line is that I know everyone's situation is different, but is what we are living with signs of the disease????
Thanks for sharing all your experiences and helping people like me take the steps to get their lives back!
If your "AH" has never been evaluated, but more than likely would be diagnosed an alcoholic if he was, how do you know what you are dealing with???? Sometimes I think he is just a mean ornery @#%!*&@ and other times I feel real sorry for him because I know its the drinking. He doesn't have a very supportive family (mom, brother and sister) and he blames me for everything from his drinking to his lot in life. He picks fights with me and our two sons (teenagers, 13 & 15). Yesterday, I thought he was going to blow a gasket because one of the kids used a wrench and misplaced it. We are not allowed to use his things and he locks everything up including the handle for the backyard spigot.
I never used to count his beer, but found myself doing it recently. He drinks 16oz beers 8-12 at a time. His theory is that he doesn't have a problem because it is only beer not hard alcohol and he works everyday. Only I have problems...I let everyone use me, including my family (who I don't know what I would do without...very supportive) and I spend way too much money on things like food and living expenses. (I work full time and make 25K more a year than him).
He is divorced from his first wife and his daughter from that marriage will not speak to him and hasn't since she was 14 (now 25). He refuses to open mail unless he is in a fighting mood and has not taken resposibility for our finances for the 20+ years we have been together (this is why our debt is my fault and not his). He has lost two jobs...one for open beer in company vehicle and the other for not obeying a supervisor's direction (they had a personality conflict...go figure?). The last was not his doing, but still affected our finances.
I am seeing a counselor through my company's employee assistance program and she is wonderful...she has advised me to go to an Alanon meeting and I am going to my first meeting tonight. I am tired of "walking on eggshells" and want a better life for me and for our kids. We deserve it.
Bottom line is that I know everyone's situation is different, but is what we are living with signs of the disease????
Thanks for sharing all your experiences and helping people like me take the steps to get their lives back!
let it grow!
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
nice to meet you, otherone. step 1 - we admitted we were powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable. good for you for seeing a counselor and making plans to attend an alanon meeting - all good steps in your recovery. keep posting, and take good care of yourself and your children. blessings, k
(there's alateen groups for your boys...)
(there's alateen groups for your boys...)
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 471
Welcome! i can't offer alot of advice, as I'm still learning myself, but I will tell you that, from what you wrote, you have all the signs you need. Your husband is an alcoholic. I'm sure lots of better abled people will be on with words of wisdom and experience. Please be good to yourself, and start putting yourself and your kids' well being first. You deserve it.
Oh, and as far as your finances, his anger, his drinking, etc,etc,etc....It's NOT your fault!!!!!!!!!
Oh, and as far as your finances, his anger, his drinking, etc,etc,etc....It's NOT your fault!!!!!!!!!
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Welcome to SR theotherone.
I am Martin, a recovered alcoholic, alanon will help you immensely to learn about folks like me and to learn what you can do for your self and your kids. I beg of you to please keep your childrens importance in front of your husbands.
I can attest to the damage that my drinking did to my children, my 4 oldest ones were not fully exposed to my last years of drinking and as a result have not suffered some of the damage I did to my 2 youngest. My getting sober has helped immensely, but there is no doubt in my mind that thier being raised by a drunk father has been part of the cause for thier low self esteem and anger issues along with one of them being anorexic.
If I could change anything in my life it would be that either I had got sober 10 years ago or my wife had given me the boot 10 years ago to keep my drinking from screwing up thier lifes. Most of the damage I did though I would imagine was done mainly in my last 2 years of drinking.
My wife tried hard to get me to slow down or stop, but I am an alcoholic and quitting had to be my decision and I had to quit for me..... no one else, I had to want to get sober to get sober, I was not going to get sober for any one else.
You will get a lot of good advice here, oh yea speaking of the kids get them into Alateen. If you want to ask questions of an alcoholic or a recovered alcoholic ask away. We are not all exactly alike, but there are some common denominators!
I am Martin, a recovered alcoholic, alanon will help you immensely to learn about folks like me and to learn what you can do for your self and your kids. I beg of you to please keep your childrens importance in front of your husbands.
I can attest to the damage that my drinking did to my children, my 4 oldest ones were not fully exposed to my last years of drinking and as a result have not suffered some of the damage I did to my 2 youngest. My getting sober has helped immensely, but there is no doubt in my mind that thier being raised by a drunk father has been part of the cause for thier low self esteem and anger issues along with one of them being anorexic.
If I could change anything in my life it would be that either I had got sober 10 years ago or my wife had given me the boot 10 years ago to keep my drinking from screwing up thier lifes. Most of the damage I did though I would imagine was done mainly in my last 2 years of drinking.
My wife tried hard to get me to slow down or stop, but I am an alcoholic and quitting had to be my decision and I had to quit for me..... no one else, I had to want to get sober to get sober, I was not going to get sober for any one else.
You will get a lot of good advice here, oh yea speaking of the kids get them into Alateen. If you want to ask questions of an alcoholic or a recovered alcoholic ask away. We are not all exactly alike, but there are some common denominators!
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Welcome theotherone,
Glad you are here.
I don't like to define others as alcoholics, but I can say that someones drinking has affected me, which is the only qualification for being here..
Stick around!
Glad you are here.
I don't like to define others as alcoholics, but I can say that someones drinking has affected me, which is the only qualification for being here..
Stick around!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
There are several angles to look at this from. You sound very unhappy, disappointed, and NOT married to a man you respect. Would calculating the degre of blame alcohol plays really matter at the end of the day? It does if you have no desire to build a life without him. Alanon sure wouldn't hurt, unless you start to take on responsibilty for his drinking. I guess I'm thinking of the term enabler. I detest that term although it does have some truth to it. Most of us married to alcoholics should be considered toleraters, endurers, survivors. We don't set out to enable, just make it through the day. When you become exhausted of having one day run into the next of enduring, tolerating and surviving, why not just consider divorce? Some problems can be solved but some can just be eliminated. He doesnt' sound remotely interested in talking about any of it. You are worth more than that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Chicago IL
Posts: 184
Thanks all!
That's the hard part...I started out wanting to learn how to deal and live with the "AH" and now I am teetering on leaving to gain some normalcy in our lives. It's a major decision and not one to take lightly or jump into. Last night after his tirade, I thought I had my mind made up and would contact a lawyer today...it's a big step. I will attend my meeting tonight and maybe some others in the area throughout the remainder of the week. I see my counselor again on the 19th and hopefully with a few meetings under my belt and the support and encouragement of all of you and those I have yet to meet...I will know what I want to do.
That's the hard part...I started out wanting to learn how to deal and live with the "AH" and now I am teetering on leaving to gain some normalcy in our lives. It's a major decision and not one to take lightly or jump into. Last night after his tirade, I thought I had my mind made up and would contact a lawyer today...it's a big step. I will attend my meeting tonight and maybe some others in the area throughout the remainder of the week. I see my counselor again on the 19th and hopefully with a few meetings under my belt and the support and encouragement of all of you and those I have yet to meet...I will know what I want to do.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
theotherone I will say this from the alcoholics side of the fence, nothing is going to change in me until there is a change of such magnitude that I have no choice left except stop drinking or going down with the ship if I don't change.
What I mean by that is as long as my drinking is tolerated by my family in any way that allows me to have a roof over my head, food in my belly, someone to bail me out of jail, some one to make sure my bills get paid, etc. etc. I am going to continue to drink!
When my safety net is pulled out from under me, or I see it is going to be pulled out from under me I have a decision to make, keep drinking and die, or stop drinking and live. I chose to live.
What I mean by that is as long as my drinking is tolerated by my family in any way that allows me to have a roof over my head, food in my belly, someone to bail me out of jail, some one to make sure my bills get paid, etc. etc. I am going to continue to drink!
When my safety net is pulled out from under me, or I see it is going to be pulled out from under me I have a decision to make, keep drinking and die, or stop drinking and live. I chose to live.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Bottom line is that I know everyone's situation is different, but is what we are living with signs of the disease????
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
Hey TOO,,(theotherone,,he,he,he,,,) Welcome to SR
Boy did your story sound familiar. What finally got me going int he right direction:
You did not cause it
You can not control it
You can not cure it,,,
Good for you for seeing a counselor. And Al anon is a good place to find support. In addition to SR, reading and educating yourself to the diseases of alcoholism AND codieism.
We look forward to you sharing
Peace
Boy did your story sound familiar. What finally got me going int he right direction:
You did not cause it
You can not control it
You can not cure it,,,
Good for you for seeing a counselor. And Al anon is a good place to find support. In addition to SR, reading and educating yourself to the diseases of alcoholism AND codieism.
We look forward to you sharing
Peace
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Chicago IL
Posts: 184
WOW Cynay...I never thought about it that way. My reaction would be to kick the #$&@*$ to the curb. Why is it O.K. for me and mine to be treated this way, but not O.K. for others??? I'm just now starting to realize where I am and why I'm here. The insightfulness is amazing...next thing you know, I could have an answer....stay tuned! You guys are awesome...SR families ROCK!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
I dont know... you tell me why it is unacceptable for others yet acceptable for you and your family...
If one of you children were in a relationship like the one your describing how would you feel..... Children learn by example is what I have always been told.
Fool To Do Your Dirty Work
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Greenflower Street
Posts: 362
welcome - may i suggest reading Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie?? VERY eye opening...keep reading and posting....sounds like you are doing all of the right things...
and Cynay...AMEN, sista....alcoholic or not....
and Cynay...AMEN, sista....alcoholic or not....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 39
Hi, welcome! Unless you count 26 years of marriage to an A, I'm no expert, I just want to give you encouragement! I am blessed with the best 2 sons in the world, and I wonder how that happened, given the environment they grew up in. Both of them have thanked me for doing my best in a horrid situation. You are doing better than I did, getting help when you recognize you need it. Hugs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Chicago IL
Posts: 184
Your reply was encouraging WTBF...thank you! Right now my boys are angry and have very low self esteem. Hopefully with the right counseling, meetings and maturation, they will come through with some wisdom and direction. Typically they resist the help because at 13 & 15, they feel every waking moment should be spent with friends. I'm pretty sure we'll get there...thanks to very supportive surroundings. Your sons are lucky they had you and you are even more blessed with their acknowledgment.
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