redbear

My husband has been sober and atending meeting for 5-6 weeks now. I have been attending al-anon meetings as well. every sugestion i try to bring back the communication does not work. I try not to snap, have well thought out questions before asking them. I once told another al-anon member when i described him, some what nice for the 1st 18 beer, the next real *******. now even though he is sober, this little fact still applies just without the alcohol. He states it is his character, the character of an alcoholic...is that just some sort of plore to continue to be a jerk. I feel so frustrated....is Al-anon the the 12 steps and traditions going to work for me and my husband. give give me advice?

laurie6781

First let me say WELCOME to SR. You have found a great site to share and vent. You will find lots of Experience, Strength and Hope here from people who have been where you are now.

You have expectations from your husband that to be quite honest he is yet capable of fulfilling. He has as many questions as you do and he is unable to answer his own questions, how on earth could he answer yours.

Early recovery is not pretty. He is scared, confused, can't keep clear thoughts in his head, doesn't know if he is coming or going, sometimes can't even understand one thing he hears at a meeting, and then he has you expecting to have a husband back. The world is closing in on a man who has no idea of what 'reality' is right now. Sure he's being a jerk, he's frustrated to the max and has mush for a brain.

It was 6 months for me, before I was actually starting to make sense of just a few things. It was 6 months before I could actually read a sentence and remember what I read after I read it.

At 5 or 6 weeks he is still dealing with a brain that is MUSH. And feelings? well, he is not even looking at those yet.

Best at this point to work on you and literally leave him be. Along about 6 to 9 months, if he is still sober and working on his recovery, you might see if he is willing to try couples counselling. His sponsor might even suggest it at that time. Heck at 5 or 6 weeks he has no idea of what reality is.

You are trying for rationality with a man who has been saturated in Alcohol and living in a false reality for a long time. He didn't get that way overnight and he's not going to get well overnight either.

Please, continue to go to Alanon and focus on YOU and YOUR reactions to him.

I'm sorry if the above sounds harsh, however, please keep in mind that it is coming from someone who has been on both sides. I have 26 years sober in AA and 23 years in Alanon working on my codie side. lol

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care.

Love and hugs,

Grasshopper

Hi and welcome!!!!!!...I hear you.My loved one was like a bird on a wire when he first came to AA.He eventually leveled out..Recovery changes folks.Im no longer who i once was,and neither is he.
Both recovery programs works when each work their own program,is how it works for us.I have my hands off his recovery.Been tempted to judge his,at times,,but i try not to,and keep the focus on myself.It takes what it takes.I know i no longer need to react,when he acts out,or if anyone acts out.I have my recovery tools,to help me.
my prayers for you both.

redbear

Thank you all, i do not fell like any of you were harsh...it needed to be said...i needed needed to think about it...
one more question for anyone or all to answer....i am very angry with it all...and bitter with him...did you go through that, how did you deal with it.