Is no help cruel?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by tedseeker 
Yes, but that is how he behaves when given his own choices to make. I'm not taking responsibility for him behaving like a child, though I may treat him like one in order to protect him.
Originally Posted by tedseeker
If his safety wasn't such a real concern (the court date is in two weeks) I'd be much more comfortable with just handing him a wad of money and letting him put himself together or mess up.
ted
ted
Best wishes,
L
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Hi,
After reading your posts and the great replies, I will add that at one point I did come to the end of helping my son. Self esteem is a major issue for the addict and once I realized that I was diminishing his self esteem by my continual controlling and helping- I began to want to stop.
My addiction had become helping him. Over time and by various situations I became aware of MY role in his disease. When I gave him gas money- or even put the gas in his car, he still had the option to use the money or siphon it out and sell it for drugs. It was all an illusion that I could 'outsmart' the addict and 'make' him do the right thing. What happens is the other person is forced to stoop even lower with every bit of control placed on things.
Many will sell food for drugs and alcohol and/or do whatever it takes to keep using.
I had a light bulb moment of sheer dread one day when I realized that the $20 for gas could buy him his last hit. My efforts at control were at best useless.
I realized that _I_ could not live with myself if God forbid, something worse than I imagined might happen due to my actions.
You will have to realize things for yourself as others have shared. We have all been there too. I'm hoping you will go too lots of meetings... Alanon and open AA and NA because that is how I learned.
When I changed, fortunately my son did too. I let go and he was arrested, did his time and is now over one year clean. HE did this and HE gets all the credit because I didn't help him. This is what I have observed helps keep someone clean, owning the success and also facing the consequences.
After reading your posts and the great replies, I will add that at one point I did come to the end of helping my son. Self esteem is a major issue for the addict and once I realized that I was diminishing his self esteem by my continual controlling and helping- I began to want to stop.
My addiction had become helping him. Over time and by various situations I became aware of MY role in his disease. When I gave him gas money- or even put the gas in his car, he still had the option to use the money or siphon it out and sell it for drugs. It was all an illusion that I could 'outsmart' the addict and 'make' him do the right thing. What happens is the other person is forced to stoop even lower with every bit of control placed on things.
Many will sell food for drugs and alcohol and/or do whatever it takes to keep using.
I had a light bulb moment of sheer dread one day when I realized that the $20 for gas could buy him his last hit. My efforts at control were at best useless.
I realized that _I_ could not live with myself if God forbid, something worse than I imagined might happen due to my actions.
You will have to realize things for yourself as others have shared. We have all been there too. I'm hoping you will go too lots of meetings... Alanon and open AA and NA because that is how I learned.
When I changed, fortunately my son did too. I let go and he was arrested, did his time and is now over one year clean. HE did this and HE gets all the credit because I didn't help him. This is what I have observed helps keep someone clean, owning the success and also facing the consequences.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: St. Charles, MO
Posts: 95
Originally Posted by cmc
Hi,
After reading your posts and the great replies, I will add that at one point I did come to the end of helping my son. Self esteem is a major issue for the addict and once I realized that I was diminishing his self esteem by my continual controlling and helping- I began to want to stop.
My addiction had become helping him. Over time and by various situations I became aware of MY role in his disease. When I gave him gas money- or even put the gas in his car, he still had the option to use the money or siphon it out and sell it for drugs. It was all an illusion that I could 'outsmart' the addict and 'make' him do the right thing. What happens is the other person is forced to stoop even lower with every bit of control placed on things.
Many will sell food for drugs and alcohol and/or do whatever it takes to keep using.
I had a light bulb moment of sheer dread one day when I realized that the $20 for gas could buy him his last hit. My efforts at control were at best useless.
I realized that _I_ could not live with myself if God forbid, something worse than I imagined might happen due to my actions.
You will have to realize things for yourself as others have shared. We have all been there too. I'm hoping you will go too lots of meetings... Alanon and open AA and NA because that is how I learned.
When I changed, fortunately my son did too. I let go and he was arrested, did his time and is now over one year clean. HE did this and HE gets all the credit because I didn't help him. This is what I have observed helps keep someone clean, owning the success and also facing the consequences.
After reading your posts and the great replies, I will add that at one point I did come to the end of helping my son. Self esteem is a major issue for the addict and once I realized that I was diminishing his self esteem by my continual controlling and helping- I began to want to stop.
My addiction had become helping him. Over time and by various situations I became aware of MY role in his disease. When I gave him gas money- or even put the gas in his car, he still had the option to use the money or siphon it out and sell it for drugs. It was all an illusion that I could 'outsmart' the addict and 'make' him do the right thing. What happens is the other person is forced to stoop even lower with every bit of control placed on things.
Many will sell food for drugs and alcohol and/or do whatever it takes to keep using.
I had a light bulb moment of sheer dread one day when I realized that the $20 for gas could buy him his last hit. My efforts at control were at best useless.
I realized that _I_ could not live with myself if God forbid, something worse than I imagined might happen due to my actions.
You will have to realize things for yourself as others have shared. We have all been there too. I'm hoping you will go too lots of meetings... Alanon and open AA and NA because that is how I learned.
When I changed, fortunately my son did too. I let go and he was arrested, did his time and is now over one year clean. HE did this and HE gets all the credit because I didn't help him. This is what I have observed helps keep someone clean, owning the success and also facing the consequences.
ted
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
My brother has admitted he is an addict, but also says he doesn't intend to stop drinking. He says that when he works he modifies his drinking and drinks less. He knows alcohol has caused some life problems, but has had very little counseling over the years, and would prefer to not discuss the role of alcohol in his life.
Sounds like he is happy in his life. And it also sounds like you are not.
You remind me of me. I remember saying... but WHY do they HAVE to go to HELLL first? Why can't they get help NOW, while there is still time to salvage some of their lives?
The simple answer I would not believe was -
Because it is their choice.
I can't CAUSE addiction/alcoholism
I can't CONTROL addiction/alcholism
I can't CURE addiction/alcoholism
The 3Cs sum up the basis of Alanon for me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: St. Charles, MO
Posts: 95
Originally Posted by BigSis
Hi Ted... both my kids are the addicts/alcoholics who got me here... but I come from a lloooooonnnnnggg line of them.
Sounds like he is happy in his life. And it also sounds like you are not.
Sounds like he is happy in his life. And it also sounds like you are not.
You remind me of me. I remember saying... but WHY do they HAVE to go to HELLL first? Why can't they get help NOW, while there is still time to salvage some of their lives?
The simple answer I would not believe was -
Because it is their choice.
The simple answer I would not believe was -
Because it is their choice.
thanks to all, though.
ted
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Ted,
Get to some Alanon meetings my friend.
You will in time learn what others have. This is a learning process.
Which for you there will be much to learn as there was for all of us.
Get to some Alanon meetings my friend.
You will in time learn what others have. This is a learning process.
Which for you there will be much to learn as there was for all of us.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
ted, i think setting some boundaries may be helpful, and letting your brother know what your boundaries are, too. that way, if he pushes it too far, he was warned in advance and shouldn't be totally caught off guard.
it sounds like you really care about him and want to do what anyone here would have loved to do for their significant others. there just comes a point when you realize you can't do it all, and that no matter how great your intentions are, life is cruel and unfair when it comes to this disease.
it sounds like you really care about him and want to do what anyone here would have loved to do for their significant others. there just comes a point when you realize you can't do it all, and that no matter how great your intentions are, life is cruel and unfair when it comes to this disease.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
There is a story about a boy who helped a butterfly out of the cocoon.
The boy thought he was being helpful and making it easier and faster for the butterfly to enter the world and fly. Once out of the cocoon, the butterfly just stood there, unable to fly. It's wings all wrinkled and misformed.
Se what happens is...when a butterfly struggles to get out of the cocoon, it forces blood up into the wings and forms the wings so the butterfly can now fly.
Rather then asking ... Is no help cruel?
I would ask... Is there a time when to much helping is cruel?
There are times we need let nature take it's course so that others can learn to fly.
The boy thought he was being helpful and making it easier and faster for the butterfly to enter the world and fly. Once out of the cocoon, the butterfly just stood there, unable to fly. It's wings all wrinkled and misformed.
Se what happens is...when a butterfly struggles to get out of the cocoon, it forces blood up into the wings and forms the wings so the butterfly can now fly.
Rather then asking ... Is no help cruel?
I would ask... Is there a time when to much helping is cruel?
There are times we need let nature take it's course so that others can learn to fly.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: concord, nc
Posts: 304
Ted, where there is a will, there is a way (as far as getting booze). I would have done anything to see my AH quit drinking. I have only been married to him for 31 years, built a life, and raised 2 terrific daughters. Guess what? Nothing, and I mean nothing, worked. Finally, I came to the conclusion that if I stayed on the sinking ship, I was going to die. So, I had to get out of the quicksand. I had to save myself and my 2 terrific daughters. No contact. It is the only way for me. He will either sink or swim but I refuse to go down with him. Maybe he will not sink, maybe he will swim. That is totally up to him. I know how badly you hurt and want to help your brother. I too hurt and wanted to help my husband, the father of my children. For me, it was impossible.
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