sunshyne

I am new to this site and new to Alanon so I'm not sure where to start. My husband of 5 years is an Alcoholic as well as a daily smoker. In the beginning I didn't realize the extent of it. We both started out in the party mode and I guess in my mind I assumed people grow out of those bad habits...at least I did although my husband never did. It is frustrating for me to watch him fall apart. He has told me that before we met he was a daily drinker and now only falls back about once every 2-3 months. But when he falls it usually last a week or so. He is not the quiet drinker but just the opposite. He can be very rude and disruptive. He drinks alone for the most part...sometimes with his brother and a few guys. The days of drinking aren't to bad anymore 'cause he stays at a camping trailer we have on the creek. He doesn't even bother to contact me when he is on one of his binges. It's after he puts the bottle down that is frustrating. He is continuously contacting me - wandering when I will be home and when I don't rush to his side - as I don't anymore - his anger progresses in accusing me of meeting someone else. No...I'm just living for myself now - finally. Why does it all of the sudden become my fault. I didn't choose for him to get drunk on that particular day. After this last drunk I told him he could not come back which I have done before but always give in. I'm trying not to do that this time. I love him and would never betray him. I tell him I am giving him time to figure things out - I can't take him back unless he completes some type of program. He has told me before he wants help but doesn't want me to have the alone time. I see no difference in that alone time and when he is drunk for 1-3 days, sometime more, on the creek. I have free time either way you go. When is it enough? Am I being to demanding insisting on rehab? I just feel like I deserve a little respect.

Live

Welcome!

Yes you do deserve respect and no that is not too demanding.

Please make yourself at home here and browse around the posts, especially the stickies at the top.

There are so many wise and wonderful people here who have been in similar shoes.....they provide a network of info, strength and support.

best wishes,

live

alicewunderland

Hello sunshyne!,

I am just one day in to this site as well so I would like to welcome you as I was welcomed.....WELCOME!

I think you are on the right path just loggin in and finding this site...you are starting to focus on you, the only person you have any kind of control over, that is one hug step. Congratulations!

It sounds a lot easier than it actually is, doesn't it?

I can relate to your story and I don't think you are being to demanding because you do deserve respect. Just start giving respect to yourself first, which it sounds like you have started. The truth that I have found is that they (addicts) have their own agenda and they get help when they are ready and no other time. They sometimes go if you threaten but it isn't whole heartedly. I know this doesn't sound that great but focusing on you is the best gift you could give yourself. Direct all that energy that is wasted on trying to fix him and get creative in ways to fix you. Do anything you can get your mind on what is best for you, I think this site is great for that. If you have to post a book full of venting to get all of it out of your system, do so and then explore other ways to treat yourself in a loving manner.

I hope this helped, it was meant for that sole purpose and I wish you more peace. Talk anytime.

AliceWunderland

MystyDreamer

Welcome ((((((((((Sunshyne))))))))))
I'm proud of you for getting help for yourself in dealing with the effect alcohol has on your life. It's healthy for you to set boundaries and you definately don't have to run to him when he's done with his binge. It sounds like a bunch of manipulative hogwash to me, why would any sane and healthy person want to drop everything to be with someone so inconsiderate and childish. I'm not berating you for having done this before, I've been there and done the same thing too.
Congratulations for not letting him come back, but I'm afraid ultimatums don't work If he wants to quit drinking and start working a program it's got to be by his choice. It really won't work for him unless he wants to make it work.
It's much better to keep working on yourself and your program. Maybe by seeing the example you set he'll come to terms with his own problem and realize he can get help, but it's no guarantee. I'm not trying to bring you down, but just as you have to work your program for YOU he will have to work his program for HIM.
I know there's a lot more people around here to give you support and advice and I'm sure they'll be here soon. Meanwhile I suggest you check out the "sticky posts" at the top of the page as well as the rest of the regular posts. Quite a few of us have/were/are going thru similar situations and it gets easier I think when we realize that we aren't alone. Take care, keep posting and sharing, we care about how you're doing
Much love and HUGS,
Mysty

lyn_blossom78

Welcome! So glad you found us!

Lyn

matters

Welcome sunshyne!

You deserve much more then alittle respect. Asking that he go to rehab is a reasonable request.Keep coming back. This is a great place for support. And we can use all the support we can get!

Take care,
matters

constant

Hey! Glad you found us Sunshyne!

Sounds to me like you have already made steps in the right direction to start helping yourself. By beginning there (helping yourself) your thoughts will become clearer so you can better decide what is best for YOU. I don't think the request that you have made is unreasonible; however, being forced to go and going on their own are very different. Someone earlier stated that maybe if you set the example he would follow and here you are getting started! I would have to agree!!

Keep posting!
Constant

Sunshine28

((((((Sunshyne)))))))

I see where you are comming from. My husbend is a binge drinker too.....and has become a little nasty now (never was before). It is hard for us to want them (A's) to be ok when they don't want to be to see someone you love slipping away from you is not an easy thing. Just wanted you to know you are not alone!!!

This is a great place for support!!!

Ann

Welcome Sunshyne

I haven't got much to add to the above, but hope you will take a read around and feel at home here.

It sounds like you are already working on yourself and your recovery, and that puts you miles ahead of where I was when I first arrived here.

Just keep the focus on you and your needs.

sunshyne

It's amazing what a little positive feed-back will do for someone's self-worth. I appreciate all of your post...it's good to know there are others out there that no the situation. I have been to a few Alanon meetings but only one was there someone who spoke out about their own experiences. I really related to that one and that's what has me wanting to go back.

One of the reasons I threw that ultimatum out to my A is about 2 weeks ago he came in and handed me an appointment card. In the past I always made his calls/appointment's for him but I told him if he wanted help - this time he was on his own. He ask me to go with him to the Doctor and I never gave him a definite but did show up that day. He was shocked that I showed up...I didn't think he'd be there. He was very open with the doctor about how often he drank and smoked and how he wanted to be completely clean. A visit to the doctor 2 years ago...he stayed on the fact that his parents had nerve problems and he needed nerve pills - the doctor pretty much shut the door in his face. This time he went to the same Doctor and was honest and he put him on Librium and Anxiety pills. He went 3 days and when I returned to work on that Monday - he backslid...while on the medicine...boy was he messed up. Which at that point we should have went back to the doctor but that layed another week drunk on the table. He has asked me for the pills quite a few times since then but I am scared to give them to him. He does not take any type of medicine in the right way. I told him to make a doctor's appointment and explain what happened and I will hand the pills to the doctor...he told the doctor before that I would be the one giving him the meds. I don't want to be responsible if he damages himself by taking too many. He does get very depressed at times. He told me right after he backslid that he was more depressed than he had ever been in his life. I said no wander with what you hang around everyday. That's what his friends discussion revolves around - who's got the best smoke of the day. That would get me down too. Am I doing wrong...should I just give him the medicine - I know he'll abuse it.

constant

Well Sunshyne, it would seem to me that not lettting him medicate himself sounds a little bit like trying to control him. I would let him handle it, after all he is a grown man and knows what the doctor has told him. It would also alleviate you from being blamed because he would be responsible for HIMSELF and his own ACTIONS. Even if he doesn't take the medication as directed.....that is HIS choice.

I hope I don't sound too harsh.....I really am not good with writing and things often come off very blunt......I tend to be that way, but what I stated above is MY opion, you do what YOUR comfortable with.

Hang in there, Constant

alicewunderland

Hi Sunshyne!

I agree that in no way are you responsible for your A taking his meds and maybe the situation is a little too tempting of an opportunity to control ......but I don't think you should give his meds to him. The only reason I say this is because if he doesn't take them the way they were prescribed, he might hurt himself. In return you may feel responsible because you did tell the doctor you would be responsible for distributing them (did I read that right?) I think the way to let go of the situation and give the responsibility back to him, is either throw the drugs away and tell him if he needs more then he will have to go back to the doctor himself or go to the doctor and give the meds to him explaining your situation. That way you get yourself out of a tempting situation to control (one up one down) and you rid yourself of any responsibility you may feel by the promise you made to the doctor. I just wanted to suggest another option to the situation....I hope you find one that works for you.


Best wishes,

Alice

sunshyne

In a way I see that it could be a form of control...but he is the one that told the doctor that he wanted me to distribute them out daily. We had not discussed it this time so it was his idea on his own. I guess I looked at it this time as caring. He keeps asking me for the meds - sometimes very demanding - and I told him, as Alice suggested, make an appointment and I will give the meds to the doctor and he can then hand them over to Robert. I don't want to feel responsible. He may take them as for the high or he may take them all at once...I don't want that weight on my shoulders. He gets very depressed at times.

What really breaks my heart is he thinks he is doing very well. My A has the ability to triple his income when he is on these binges. He deals directly with the public and when he drinks it really boost his confidence. So when I tell him something is wrong...he always pulls his stack of money out and says I'm doing fine...DOESN'T IMPRESS ME ANYMORE. The money doesn't make up for the fact that he can be a total jacka.. at times.

constant

I think that referring him back to the Doc is excellant! That would relieve you from the responsiblitly and take the "monkey" off your back.

Hey Money isn't everything, and definately isn't a way to measure success. Unfortunately we can't totally live without it, but that shouldn't be an excuse to continue living out of control. My A uses that excuse a lot!

Keep plugging away.....you are doing great.


Constant

Daffodil

Welcome;

I do hope you keep coming back....Your never alone unless you choose to be...

I agree that I'd be taking the pills back to the Doctors myself...Just so I wouldn't have to be responsible for them....

I urge you to go to alanon meetings...and keep coming back here...these people are wonderful and caring....

Love and prayers from one who cares

2many2count

Welcome Sunshyne!!!

Wow, i can surely relate to the drinking and taking meds. Very dangerous i was told by the Dr. The sad part is that he knows it and still does it anyway. My husband is bi-polar. He has those up moods and that is when he drinks and is most confident. Then he hits the bottom and cries for days on end. Its like a roller coaster ride that never ends.
I am so glad you found this place. I have learned alot from others and I know you will too.

Take care and keep posting-

2many2count