His Name was Richard and he was an Alcoholic
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
His Name was Richard and he was an Alcoholic
I met Richard in 1982, when I was just 22 years old. Back then he worked in the security department and I was a secretary. He shared a small office with two lively young women. Every time I visited his office, I'd lean on the counter and shoot the breeze with these two gals. We'd laugh, and joke, and carry on to no end.
Richard sat in the back of the office. He'd smile shyly when I arrived and chuckle to himself while I engaged his office mates in lively banter. Every once in a while, he'd interject a comment or two--enough to get me to notice him.
He reminded me a lot of my father. He was a man of few words who enjoyed sitting off to the side and observing the action. He had a gentle, thoughtful nature and he smiled easily. And on top of that, he was easy on the eyes. I fell for him immediately.
I couldn't have known back then that I'd be embarking on a 24 year relationship. He was my first love, and to this day, he's been my only love. What I didn't know back then was that he was an alcoholic.
Until I met Richard, alcohol had never played a part in my life. My parents didn't drink. My siblings didn't drink. I didn't drink. Not a drop. So, when he drank socially I had no measure with which to gauge what was normal social drinking and what was problem drinking. And even if I did, it probably wouldn't have mattered back then. I was madly, utterly, and deeply in love with him. I still am today.
For most of our 24 years together, we had a wonderful relationship. We maintained separate homes in separate cities, but spent every weekend together. Five years ago, I moved to a rural area--a far trek from where Richard lived. So it made sense to me to ask him to move in with me.
And that's when things began to fall apart. Apparently, Richard was a master at hiding the true nature of his addiction from me. And while he could hide it masterfully on the weekends, it became difficult for him to do so seven days a week. It didn’t take long for me to notice that he had a serious problem.
Three years ago, when his health began to fail, I panicked and started urging him to stop drinking. I begged, I pleaded, I threatened to end the relationship, you name it. Nothing I said or did got through to him. So late one night in desperation, I logged on to SoberRecovery in search of help for Richard. What I got was some much needed help for me.
After I ended the relationship, Richard made several serious attempts at sobriety, and for one 8-month period of sobriety, we returned to our previous courtship habits of maintaining separate homes but spending every weekend together. It was a dream come true for me. I got the man of my dreams back and my sanity as well. But long-term sobriety proved elusive for Richard and he relapsed and turned to his old friend, alcohol.
After several dark months, he entered an outpatient rehab facility and was able to stay sober for a few months. During that time, however, I was hesitant to invite him back into my life. I wanted Richard to be a part of my life, but not alcohol. So, I’d call him from time to time to check in, to let him know I was thinking about him, and tell him I loved him. And quietly and patiently I waited for him to get his act together so we could resume our life together. When it became clear to me that, despite his best efforts, Richard was unable to reach and maintain sobriety, I detached and pulled away.
I wasn’t able to move forward in my life as long as I maintained regular contact with him, so I limited my calls to once a month or so. I felt safer that way, and more sane, too.
The last time I spoke to Richard was roughly three weeks ago. He sounded quite drunk, but denied drinking when I inquired about it. He seemed a bit depressed, but said that, other than feeling more tired than usual, he was feeling pretty good. We spoke for a few minutes, he told me he missed me, and I told him I missed him, too. I wish I would have told him I loved him just one more time.
The love of my life passed away today, alone in his apartment. I wish I could have been at his side. I wish I could have found a way to save him. But that was impossible. Instead, I found a way to save myself.
His name was Richard and he was an alcoholic and I loved him so.
Richard sat in the back of the office. He'd smile shyly when I arrived and chuckle to himself while I engaged his office mates in lively banter. Every once in a while, he'd interject a comment or two--enough to get me to notice him.
He reminded me a lot of my father. He was a man of few words who enjoyed sitting off to the side and observing the action. He had a gentle, thoughtful nature and he smiled easily. And on top of that, he was easy on the eyes. I fell for him immediately.
I couldn't have known back then that I'd be embarking on a 24 year relationship. He was my first love, and to this day, he's been my only love. What I didn't know back then was that he was an alcoholic.
Until I met Richard, alcohol had never played a part in my life. My parents didn't drink. My siblings didn't drink. I didn't drink. Not a drop. So, when he drank socially I had no measure with which to gauge what was normal social drinking and what was problem drinking. And even if I did, it probably wouldn't have mattered back then. I was madly, utterly, and deeply in love with him. I still am today.
For most of our 24 years together, we had a wonderful relationship. We maintained separate homes in separate cities, but spent every weekend together. Five years ago, I moved to a rural area--a far trek from where Richard lived. So it made sense to me to ask him to move in with me.
And that's when things began to fall apart. Apparently, Richard was a master at hiding the true nature of his addiction from me. And while he could hide it masterfully on the weekends, it became difficult for him to do so seven days a week. It didn’t take long for me to notice that he had a serious problem.
Three years ago, when his health began to fail, I panicked and started urging him to stop drinking. I begged, I pleaded, I threatened to end the relationship, you name it. Nothing I said or did got through to him. So late one night in desperation, I logged on to SoberRecovery in search of help for Richard. What I got was some much needed help for me.
After I ended the relationship, Richard made several serious attempts at sobriety, and for one 8-month period of sobriety, we returned to our previous courtship habits of maintaining separate homes but spending every weekend together. It was a dream come true for me. I got the man of my dreams back and my sanity as well. But long-term sobriety proved elusive for Richard and he relapsed and turned to his old friend, alcohol.
After several dark months, he entered an outpatient rehab facility and was able to stay sober for a few months. During that time, however, I was hesitant to invite him back into my life. I wanted Richard to be a part of my life, but not alcohol. So, I’d call him from time to time to check in, to let him know I was thinking about him, and tell him I loved him. And quietly and patiently I waited for him to get his act together so we could resume our life together. When it became clear to me that, despite his best efforts, Richard was unable to reach and maintain sobriety, I detached and pulled away.
I wasn’t able to move forward in my life as long as I maintained regular contact with him, so I limited my calls to once a month or so. I felt safer that way, and more sane, too.
The last time I spoke to Richard was roughly three weeks ago. He sounded quite drunk, but denied drinking when I inquired about it. He seemed a bit depressed, but said that, other than feeling more tired than usual, he was feeling pretty good. We spoke for a few minutes, he told me he missed me, and I told him I missed him, too. I wish I would have told him I loved him just one more time.
The love of my life passed away today, alone in his apartment. I wish I could have been at his side. I wish I could have found a way to save him. But that was impossible. Instead, I found a way to save myself.
His name was Richard and he was an alcoholic and I loved him so.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Jill, when I read the title and saw it was a recent thread, I knew what you were going to say.
I am so sorry to hear the Richard has passed. He was living on borrowed time, however that doesn't make the loss of him any easier.
He's at peace now. The struggle is over.
My thoughts are with all of you affected by his passing.
((((hugs))))
I am so sorry to hear the Richard has passed. He was living on borrowed time, however that doesn't make the loss of him any easier.
He's at peace now. The struggle is over.
My thoughts are with all of you affected by his passing.
((((hugs))))
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Jill I too knew by the title what you were going to say and my first thought was
"Thank God he is finally free."
I am sorry for your loss, but I am happy that he has finally left the h*ll he has been living in. He is now at peace.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and his family.
love and hugs,
"Thank God he is finally free."
I am sorry for your loss, but I am happy that he has finally left the h*ll he has been living in. He is now at peace.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and his family.
love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,622
I am so sorry to hear your sad news. Your story made me cry. You loved him and he knew that somewhere underneath. Your love was deep and his life was very much better for it. Love is never wrong. I wish it had been different for you both.
Kia Kaha sister.
Kia Kaha sister.
Hope3
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 2,155
Dear FD, I thank you for sharing that story with us.
I am sad that things didn't turn out differently, but I am
also in awe of your strenght and wisdom for doing the right
thing for you and Richard when you detached, he at least made
attempts, to bad it had such a hold on him...I pray for those who
read this and hope they see the strength in themselves to do what
I believe must be one of the hardest things in life, and that is loving and
letting go at the same time....(((((((((((((((FD))))))))))))
hope3
I am sad that things didn't turn out differently, but I am
also in awe of your strenght and wisdom for doing the right
thing for you and Richard when you detached, he at least made
attempts, to bad it had such a hold on him...I pray for those who
read this and hope they see the strength in themselves to do what
I believe must be one of the hardest things in life, and that is loving and
letting go at the same time....(((((((((((((((FD))))))))))))
hope3
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I too offer my condolences and prayers, for you and for Richard and all who loved him.
Your post touched my heart, your words expressed how much you loved this man and just couldn't live with his disease.
May the memories of better days comfort you and the thoughts that today Richard rests safely in the arms of God.
Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Hugs
Your post touched my heart, your words expressed how much you loved this man and just couldn't live with his disease.
May the memories of better days comfort you and the thoughts that today Richard rests safely in the arms of God.
Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
(((((((jill)))))))) (((((((richard)))))))
jill, my deepest condolences. like minnie, when i saw the title of your thread, i knew what you had to share and instantly my heart swelled with love for you, richard, and your families.
his battle here on earth is over. through his own battle, you were given so many gifts from him. and in turn, you shared those gifts with so many here on sr.
you were always so kind and respectful when speaking of richards addiction. that was one of the first things i noticed about you when i joined this forum.......that you gave respect to the one you loved and that you respected the power of the addiction.
all my love to you, jill
jeri
jill, my deepest condolences. like minnie, when i saw the title of your thread, i knew what you had to share and instantly my heart swelled with love for you, richard, and your families.
his battle here on earth is over. through his own battle, you were given so many gifts from him. and in turn, you shared those gifts with so many here on sr.
you were always so kind and respectful when speaking of richards addiction. that was one of the first things i noticed about you when i joined this forum.......that you gave respect to the one you loved and that you respected the power of the addiction.
all my love to you, jill
jeri
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
Jill/Former Doormat
Prayers of deep peace going out for you and for Richard and for all who loved him.
I am sad to hear you must go through this difficult and painful experience, but I trust that Richard absoultely knows you love him always, and that he is at peace, forever.
May you find peace and healing now.
Prayers of deep peace going out for you and for Richard and for all who loved him.
I am sad to hear you must go through this difficult and painful experience, but I trust that Richard absoultely knows you love him always, and that he is at peace, forever.
May you find peace and healing now.
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