guineapigjude

Today soon to be exAH showed up at 6:05 AM to bring me money. (Going golfing later, can't be late for that!). After being rude, nasty, belligerent etc about the divorce and child support $, he is now almost reverting back to pre break up behavior~he doesn't want to read the divorce papers because they are "too painful" (hmmm, he's the one that asked for a divorce without trying counselling or anything!), he's morose about Father's Day because "he's still a good father but not what he should be", wanting me to lend him money (just like the good old days, only this time instead of giving him money to keep the peace, I just sadi "are you nuts?!"). He even started reading a greeting card I had on the mantle, claiming he thought it was for both of us (A congratulatins on your divorce card, maybe?). I made sure he put it down and told him he no longer had any right to pry into my personal business. Then he tried to tell me what a big boy he is now, that he opened his own checking account, got a new job, yadda yadda. He was also appalled at how much he has to pay for his prescriptions now that I'm not taking care of everything for him. Yikes. I finally had to tell him I was no longer his wife or mother, and that his life wasn't my business, and send him on his merry way.
Ugh. I think I'll take nasty over clingy anyday! LOL.

Astro

Thanks for sharing, jude. It was a reminder to me of how clingy and pathetic I was, but underneath I was still the same old passive-aggressive drunk with a load of resentments that I'd always been. Yep, even wanted recognition for being a big, mature, responsible father.

Good on you for standing your ground. I have to admit that I'm pretty proud of my ex for having those same strengths.

parentrecovers

i'd give him a pile of pre stamped/addressed envelopes and tell him to MAIL the money from now on...k

denny57

Thanks for the share. I remember how free I felt when I no longer felt obligated to take care of someone else's day to day.

((()))

Cynay

The other one I love is the "how could you" puppy dog look....

Insert "how could you" in any of them....

elizabeth1979

Being free to take care of my own needs is a beatiful thing!!
Good for you GPJ!

reader

Wow!!! I am impressed, you should pat yourself on the back.... Great Job

Free At Last

I read the title and thought YES that is where I am. I keep trying to say he has made progress but comment on the hyperfocus and the hiding. His response: but what about all the progress. I understand but you were supposed to do that to be healthy and a grown man. Now I am supposed to overlook the rest because you got some of it. Good lord!!!!! Ya know my mother tells me he sounds like he wants you to be his mother and you already have achild you do not need another that is supposed to be a grown man. I read your post and realize it really is like that. He really does want me to picj up after him to clean his house do his laundry. Hold his hand listen to his complaints(constant) but as for the give and take and I have had a bad day. He is hiding in his room. Some days it is a little much. Don;t you love when they have golf or something they are on it. Neer forget that won't be late for the outings. But when it comes to a couple moment or could you notice that I am here. Sure when they get around to it. BRAVO for your responses one day i hope to be there again. I am almost but after a year I am here again and we allk now the strength it takes to finally let it all go thanks for your post i truly relate

guineapigjude

Free, if I can come this far, I know you can,too! It's kind of like having to relearn how to live rationally! I took care of him for so long without getting anything back ~ talk about a martyr! I have a long way to go, but one of the biggest stumbling blocks I plowed through (I can't say I got over, cause that sounds too easy!) is that I can't "make" him see logic or reason. And as I'm a logical person, I found his illogic especially frustrating and aggrevating (as in "how can you not get it??!!"). But I'm coming out of my own denial and admitting finally that he can't get it, and he knows he can't get it, and he craves relationships/approval on the most childish
level because those types of relationships allow him to concentrate on what's central in his life ~ his alcohol and drug addictions. You can't be a grown up and handle your life like a grown up when all your responsibility is directed toward feeding your addiction. Deep down he knows what he's doing, so "mommy's" approval helps him kid himself that he's okay.
Funny thing is that when he left, I was lost and devastated, and he told me he was happy and glad to be free. Now the balance has shifted, and I'm the one who is happy and excited about the future. Poor guy sounds more and more depressed and lost each day. The old me would've jumped through hoops to try and bring him up to my level. The Work-in-Progress me realizes, sadly, that I can't bring him up anywhere...I can just bring myself down .

duet_4-8

He sounds like he could be my ex's twin brother. Yuck!

But the good news is, you and I could be sisters! Yay for us!!

kglast

Jude - good for you! I completely understand where you are coming from with the logical stuff - I too, had to realize that he was never going to "get it" so I needed to stop beating my head against the wall...totally frustrating.