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I need to hear from a mom I have done a search but i am impatiant to find what i am looking for so i will just post. I am looking for a parent that lives with an alcholic son or daughter. Am the grown son of a wonderfull mom. At 36 years old i am not proud to be at home. After devorce ect, my drinking has forced me to move in. Been here for 2 years....putting my mom and her very patiant husband through hell. I hate that. In that time i have been through a 70 day rehab and have had periods of sobriety. But they live in fear of my next relapse. Wich i have had 4 of in the past 11 days. I really think i should move out to protect her from my every relapse she finds this devastating. It seems like her happiness depends on my every action from how i cut my hair to what i eat to when i shave....its brutal. What weird is she doesnt want me to move out becouse then she can't watch over me. Sigh and i don't have a lot of confidance in myself to move out, i feel trapped. Should i just do it....will it be better for both of us. |
((((stayin alive))) I don't match who you are looking for advice from, but I do understand how you feel. My XAF lived with his mom for a while too (about 11 months) and he frequent relapses were very trying on their relationship. He did eventually move out - it only took a month for his drinking to accelerate and for me to leave him. It has been 6 weeks now and I don't think he is doing well. :( Just my story - I am sorry for your dilemma and I look forward to the advice others are sure to post. Take care - |
I'm the mother of an addict but felt compelled to reply because this sounds so similar to the situation with my son. It was hell for both of us whenever he moved home, I was an enabling, frightened codie who watched his every move and took every relapse personally and he had difficulty living within my rules and we quarreled often. If your mother hasn't already tried Alanon or Naranon or CoDA, maybe encourage her to give it a try. I promise it will help her deal with her fear and her own behaviour. The decision whether to stay or leave remains between your mother and yourself, but personally I would never put myself in the position of having a front row seat ever again. Hugs |
I agree w/ Ann 100% susan |
Originally Posted by Ann
(Post 1358338)
I'm the mother of an addict but felt compelled to reply because this sounds so similar to the situation with my son. It was hell for both of us whenever he moved home, I was an enabling, frightened codie who watched his every move and took every relapse personally and he had difficulty living within my rules and we quarreled often. If your mother hasn't already tried Alanon or Naranon or CoDA, maybe encourage her to give it a try. I promise it will help her deal with her fear and her own behaviour. The decision whether to stay or leave remains between your mother and yourself, but personally I would never put myself in the position of having a front row seat ever again. Hugs |
Welcome! Perhaps you could tell her about this site :) Also,there are several books that I have found helpful: "Under the Influence", "Getting Them Sober", "Codependent No More" are some great ones to start with, IMHO. Good luck to you both! |
try & get yourself into a Sober Living home where you and the house rules are the boundaries to keep you sober. Take responsibility for your life. You went through rehab but now you must get into a recovery program, meetings, a sponsor and work at staying clean. Running home to a codependent mom is not good for either of you, and your post indicates that you know that. Do what you need to do to save your own life. your mom can't and the resentment you will feel for her efforts are obvious. Take the lessons you learned in those 70 days and apply them. This is no time for procastination. You know what to do, turn off the addictive thinkin' and follow directions that you were given in those 70 days. you can do this. |
If you haven't already posted over on the "Alcoholism" forum,perhaps that would be a place to try,too. Help yourself first; that will end up being the best for both of you,IMHO. She needs to be willing to get help for herself,too before she actually can! |
Well....you are not staying sober now so living there is not working in your best interest. My confidence quickly soared with AA recovery. Blessings to all of you |
(((stayinalive))) I'm a mom of a 22-year-old son who moved in 8 months ago after blowing up his own life. I understand your mom doesn't want you to leave. She wants to protect you. It takes us moms a long time to understand that we didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it — and that we actually get in the way of our kids recovery, sometimes slowing it down without knowing. You know how when we moms find out our kid was beaten up by a bully, or had a schoolyard problem — how our getting smack in the middle of it just made it worse? Same thing. In the beginning, your mom might still worry, and you might still struggle, but a sober or halfway house; 3/4 way house does sound like a great idea. Good luck! ~ Nitelite |
(((StayinAlive)))) I'm not a mom but, a daughter and sibling of A's. Also an XAB. IMHO from watching what my mother went through when my 49 year old brother moved home-it is exactly as NiteLite stated so well- She wants to protect you it takes a long time for anyone not just a mother to realize that they did not cause it, can't control it and can't cure it. Not only mothers but sisters, brothers etc....get in the way of recovery- unless we realize what we are doing to contribute to keep the enabling going there is no way for anyone to recover! I agree with others as stated above moving yourself out of the situation of being home because it appears your head is on straight and you are realizing there is a problem-can benefit you and your mother and others involved. My brother moved into a 1/2 way house and got his life on track and took responsibility for his life-of course my mother still did the enabling from afar but it was alot of ease on her and surely for him! This IMHO is a choice to consider for yourself-removing yourself and starting to make the right choices for YOU! Also as stated by pick-a-name as always those great books mentioned could be a big help to her as well. She loves you, and will protect you it is what mothers do! It is up to you to break that pattern that you realize is creating chaos! Good Luck to you and keep posting! |
Spiritual Seeker really nailed it, for me. I am the mom of 2 addicts (one whose drug of choice is alcohol and pot). At different times, we had to kick them both out of our home. They sofa surfed for a while, then figured out, eventually how to get what they needed. Son went into an Oxford House - and Spiritual Seeker is right - he used the house rules and the community of recovery to keep himself sober for 18 months. When he decided to "go back out" - it was fully his choice and there was no blame on his parents.... for once. Same with our daughter -she was in an Oxford House for nearly 2 months. She learned about HER responsibilities for paying rent and finding out how to get food. At 36, you can do this. A sober house, a shelter, the street.... those choices are entirely yours. I hope you can find your way and take the chaos of your drinking away from your mom's life. |
Your Mom loves you.....and she she wants you safe and well. Just tell her that you love her, that its not her fault. (The three C's) That because you love her you need move out, and get control of your life. Thank her for all she has done for you. Go do the right thing. Stay sober and have a great life. You can do it! Good Luck!! |
Originally Posted by guyinNC
(Post 1358908)
Your Mom loves you.....and she she wants you safe and well. Just tell her that you love her, that its not her fault. (The three C's) That because you love her you need move out, and get control of your life. Thank her for all she has done for you. Go do the right thing. Stay sober and have a great life. You can do it! Good Luck!! Sounds like a plan!! Keep working on your own recovery and things will fall into place. |
Wow thanks for all your perspective, and encouragement freinds. I just saw my counsoler for the second time last nite and she had preety much the same line of thought as you all. Her encouraging words empowerd me to make the decision to get a place August 1st .........i feared moving out and drifting into oblivian. But i totally CAN do it, i still maintain a good paying job( i pay rent here :), my BipolerII is under control and i am seriouse about my recovery. And ya...I AM 36, time to stop fealing like a little kid. I mentioned to my mom she is co-dependant and that didn't sit well. I just read the sticky on co-dependency and detachment tonite, very good stuff. I know i have to concentrate on myself, i would like her to find comfort in concentrating on her recovery.....just have to convince her that she needs to. Hmmmm should i email her this thread or would that be to much |
Hmmmm should i email her this thread or would that be to much I wish you well. |
It must be the worst part of having a stretch of sobriety followed by a binge, seeing what it does to your mother. I think you have to be honest with yourself, really honest. It would be presumptuous of strangers to think they know you better than your mother. I also think you may pierce her heart of you call her an enabler. With total regard from her perspective, maybe she helps you to the degree she does because she feels responsible for your drinking. When someone calls another an enabler, it is an accusation. This is a title a person needs to come to on their own. They need information that leads them to say, hey! what I'm doing is not helping. "I'm moving because you are an enabler, implies that you're problem is her doing and if you move away from HER..... I hate that the ones who endure the most are hurt the most. I think the question you have to ask yourself is this, by moving, are you really just trying to chop out the part where you have to SEE what your drinking is doing to your mother? She's your mother. It must hurt to the core to see how preoccupied and hurt she is when you drink. It is probably high time you moved out. I think if you want to move out, you are not entitled to move back. You can't yank loved ones in and out. There is a reason you live with her now as an adult. How did that happen? Do you have a plan in place other than calling your mother when you need her? You can break a mothers heart by saying I'm moving because I feel you are an enabler. Then the phone rings and she has to decide if she will respond or not. For her it always boils down to saying no to her own son or being accused of being an enabler. That's not fair. It's mean. What's a mother to do? No really, what's a mother to do? The focus of the issue shouldn't be her enablement. It should be your drinking to excess. I hate the term enabler. People do the best they know how for the people they love. Is there some reason you and our mother couldn't go to counceling together when you move out? Why can't that be a part of your plan? |
Originally Posted by mallowcup
(Post 1361481)
It must be the worst part of having a stretch of sobriety followed by a binge, seeing what it does to your mother. I think you have to be honest with yourself, really honest. It would be presumptuous of strangers to think they know you better than your mother. I also think you may pierce her heart of you call her an enabler. With total regard from her perspective, maybe she helps you to the degree she does because she feels responsible for your drinking. When someone calls another an enabler, it is an accusation. This is a title a person needs to come to on their own. They need information that leads them to say, hey! what I'm doing is not helping. "I'm moving because you are an enabler, implies that you're problem is her doing and if you move away from HER..... I hate that the ones who endure the most are hurt the most. I think the question you have to ask yourself is this, by moving, are you really just trying to chop out the part where you have to SEE what your drinking is doing to your mother? She's your mother. It must hurt to the core to see how preoccupied and hurt she is when you drink. It is probably high time you moved out. I think if you want to move out, you are not entitled to move back. You can't yank loved ones in and out. There is a reason you live with her now as an adult. How did that happen? Do you have a plan in place other than calling your mother when you need her? You can break a mothers heart by saying I'm moving because I feel you are an enabler. Then the phone rings and she has to decide if she will respond or not. For her it always boils down to saying no to her own son or being accused of being an enabler. That's not fair. It's mean. What's a mother to do? No really, what's a mother to do? The focus of the issue shouldn't be her enablement. It should be your drinking to excess. I hate the term enabler. People do the best they know how for the people they love. Is there some reason you and our mother couldn't go to counceling together when you move out? Why can't that be a part of your plan? |
it never works when my daughter (in early recovery) lives at home. i stay nervous and she feels smothered. she gets needy and i feel taken advantage of. she's 23. she needs her independence to gain confidence and self respect. i need my privacy and own life. she is in a halfway house, and my husband and i meet regularly with her and her counselor. it works best this way, for all of us. blessings, k |
I'm not venting. I will ask you if your mother has ever labeled you in any way? If she did, how would it make you feel? |
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