When do you get used to it?
 

When do you accept that it will happen again? And again?

My mother's relapses. They seem to come every 3 months or so. Each time I hope it will be the last and then it happens again and I am denial. My insides crumble each time I hear her voice when she's had a drink. I can sense that it is going to happen in the days before she starts again. I don't know if it's a sixth sense or I just pick up on my mother's mood.

I'm struggling inside.

What do you do?

Sorry for your pain....with my father and brother mostly my brother- I felt that too and it broke my heart. Have you tried going to an Al-Alanon meeting? Counseling? They can be great support to you-

The focus needs to be changed onto you and not onto her drinking/relapse-it is hard to get to the point of accepting this and that it is not your problem but theres. Loving them and helping yourself deal with the situation will help to release this struggle inside of you. I loved my father and love my brother also my XAB but they have hurt me a great deal in my life and I will not allow it to happen anymore! Love is not about hurting!

Read the stickies here and keep posting!

(((hugs)))

I too am so sorry that you are in pain right now. I am that chronic relapser (with 6 months now). Thank you for reminding me that I also have hurt the people I love.

Keep the strength. *hugs*

Thank you. I just need reassurance from people who know how it feels.

Thank you for posting. It reminded me of myself and dealing with my alcoholic mom. I lost her to cirrhosis, I never learned how to let go while she was alive, and the guilt lasted a very long time.

I hope that you find peace around this, this site is a wonderful resource!

K

It is a process getting to acceptance of our loved ones self abuse. When we accept that we did not cause it cannot cure it or control it we begin to feel peaceful about them.

let's say she did not drink something else might bother you or make you crazy about her but you would probably some how get over it because the love you have for her is the most important thing. I would say keep the focus on the love you feel for her when you are relating to her and try not to control her drinking. Look at your own behaviors and control them

When you get the feeling that she is going to drink focus on yourself and take especially good care of yourself at these times.

I know that when I react to my loved ones self abuse it seems to make the bing worse for me and them....

I think instead of trying to decide that your mom will be this way, or that way, black or white, I think it helps when you stand way back and see her, who she is over the course of a year. She seems to have 3 month increments of sobriety and then the bottom falls out leaving you hurt and disappointed.
3 months bam! 3 months bam! 3 months bam! You can't really deny the pattern, as a matter of fact, you hate to know it's coming but you do.
My brother in law is like that. He is stone sober for a while, then he is the worst drunk you ever saw, totally vulgar. Then he gets himself into trouble and he is oure as snow. If you looked at his life over the course of a year, it is peaks and valleys.
He isn't moderate in anything. The torture of it is that you just start to relax in their sobriety and they bop you up side the head with a binge.
Depending on how old you are, distance, physical distance is good.
The last time I saw my brother in law he was sober. I have semi annual contact with him and that's good.
You can only see the patterns and one thing in that pattern can change. You. You can change how you react to it. When and if you get that undeniable sense that a binge is coming, step away. You are riding her peaks and valleys with her.
Your life is very good and then it is very bad. I would step away from her if you can. Go to some alanon meetings to learn skills to detach. I really works even though it's a hard concept to understand at first.

Control what you can and that is you. Learn from mom's mistakes and take every precaution that the cycle of addiction stops w/ her. Learn all you can about co-dependant behavior so that you don't pick a spouse with addiction. be something wonderful in spite of the adversity...you sound like a delightful person. Best wishes for a bright future regardless of mom's history and struggles.

Thank you all. I detached for the first time yesterday. I didn't ring her to find out where she was or when she was coming home. I didn't say anything to her when she did come home. I didn't get angry or lose my temper. I watched telly, went to bed and got up for work the next day. I asked her if she was ok this morning and she apologised for her little blip and thanked me for not having a go.

I have to say I feel so much better today. Normally, I'm a mess. If she drinks today, she drinks today and that's her decision, not mine.

Bravery did you ever think of going to Al Anon? Here is a link that might help you if you are interested http://www.mentalhealthireland.ie/Me...nessGroupID=2&

Proud of you for doing what you did last night! Way to go!

I have thought about it but I'm quite shy and self conscious in groups of people. Maybe I need to get over my own insecurities to move on. Thank you for the link.

Bravery my first meeting I went an hour early and sat in the car (I think some can vouch for doing this as well) I watched and tried to get up enough courage to go in there! I was 5 minutes late-I went into the room and just the feeling when I walked in...I felt so at ease!

I have a counselor too-maybe that might be another option? That is more one on one and less of that shy feeling.

Keep posting here! This is great for you too!

I went to counselling and it was awful. She focused on my childhood and even got teary at some things I told her, that made me feel a little uncomfortable.

I know when I first started to go mine asked me why I was there and focused on my issue at hand, then began getting to the core of my current reason of my behavior and living the way I was in the present and that happen to do alot with my childhood. I cried alot! They say no pain no gain well they are right! Unless we are willing to do the work we will not get where we need to be............maybe you are just not ready yet-

Read some stickies in here there is alot of helpful information! Keep posting (((Bravery)))

Thanks, you people are great.

She's in work now, which is another part of the building I work in. Was talking to her and I think she has had a drink. I'm afraid of her driving home later tonight with drink on her. What should I do?

Leave her be.............not your problem!

Ok, I know that's what I'm supposed to do. But...what if something happened? How could I live with myself knowing that I could have stopped it?

(((Bravery))) Keeping you (and your mom) in my prayers.