EmotionalMeg

Hi Guys,
It's me again.
I am not even sure exactly what to post about. I just know that things aren't right with ME right now. I feel disconnected from my Alanon recovery, from my friends and my family... and especially from my husband. A few months agao I was doing great. So happy and strong... I had my recovery tucked in my pocket to carry around with me, and use whenever I needed it. Now, I have become sad, depressed, hopeless, needy... and I can't figure out how to USE my program in my life again. It's like I haven't the energy anymore.
My A has been sober for just over 3 weeks... wow... I am still angry at him or maybe just at life in general. Some say that "he is doing so well... good for him", and I just want to tell them to screw off... He is just living a dreamworld; I am convinced he will use again.
I am angry at myself too. Because a couple of months ago I kicked him out. I was strong and so SURE of myself... I was DONE being hurt, I needed more. I needed healing and space. But, I took him back, and I am still holding grudges. It makes me mad that he is such a baby... "where am I gonna go? who will take care of me?" And the threats he'd make... "If I can't live at 'home', I'll just move away for good... there is nothing here for me if I can't be with you and the kids". I guess I thought that if I didn't take him back, I'd lose him forever... even tho it was all "duck-talk." I wish I was stronger, and was able to keep my serenity for just a little while longer.
I think I am trapped sometimes, cuz thats how it feels. And the crazy thing is, that the feeling of being "trapped" is all mine. I make it so. There IS a happier healthier way... I am just lost... I've lost the road.
Thanks for listening guys
Meg
P.S. I think all of this has been triggered by the upcoming weekend. It is a long weekend in Canada (Victoria Day), and my husband is going to an AA Rally... I am left home with the kids, with nothing to do. I am having a pity-party I guess.

constant

Hey Meg, I am so sorry! I know the feelings that you are having exactly. The anger, the pity, the hatred for letting yourself be manipulated. STOP beating yourself up! You ARE a great person and VERY strong. We all take side steps, but we find our way back to serenity. Keep practicing the basics......take care of yourself.

So he is going to be gone for the weekend......plan something fun for you and the kids.....or make arrangements for the kids and go dinner with friend. (or dancing) Rent some chick flick movies or your favorite kind. Have a pizza party with M & M dessert! Make s'mores, go skating, bowling or catch up on reading. Make this weekend something to look forward to! YOU deserve it!!!! Awe heck, come on down south and WE can go do something. I have three kids we could throw them all in the basement and we could just hang out.

Seriously, you know your happiness doesn't revolve around him, try and have a good time! You are worth it.

Constant

Ann

**{Meg}}

When this happens to me, I just run right back to Step 1 - "We admitted we were powerless over drugs/alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable,"

Really - this isn't starting over, this is reminding ourselves and strengthening our recovery again.

How he "is", clean or not, doesn't have to control how "you" are.
We all hit shaky times, and that is when we need this program most.

I re-read my recovery books, ("Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beatty is great for this kind of setback), and I take time to pray and meditate, with candles and nice music. And I get myself to a live meeting, where I can reconnect with my program.

I know it is confusing, especially when everything seemed to be in place, but just know it happens to all of us, even after many years of recovery. Part of our recovery is learning how to deal with the tough times and hang on to our program.

Pray, turn it over to God, and then do something nice for yourself.
Plan something fun for you and the kids next weekend, even if you don't feel like it!! I promise that you will feel better for taking the focus off him and putting it back on yourself, where it belongs.

Don't hang out in the darkness for long, just grab a candle and get back into the light.

Clowie

Meg...
I can so relate to how you are feeling... I am there... I keep thinking the same thing you are... I should of kept him out... My hubby just recently relapsed...
Of course he did not tell me... I found the infamous baggie again while doing wash!
I don't know what to say... except take one day at a time... One day... maybe not today maybe not tommorw...but we will get the answer to what we want to do...
I keep trying to keep the focus on me... It's so hard!!!!
I'm sending you a bunch of hugs and want you to know your not alone...
Love Clowie

Gypsygirlmom

******{Meg}}}}

You described alot of what I just came out of (only a little worse, and I found out he was using again)I was feeling so trapped, depressed, even thinking s. thoughts.

All I can tell you is what is helping me...force yourself to get back on track. You can have again what you did have in the beginning. I think it is that feeling of peace and empowerment in myself I had lost. Step up the meetings, call someone in the program, start taking care of you again. This is sooo true!! Get up, brush yourself off, and start over again!! It really does work, Meg, you just gotta do it!! It's just part of the recovery, so now we just keep moving on to the next step. You can do this, and you ARE worth it!!!

****{Hugs}}}

myles1

Last Friday I had a horrible day and I was supposed to go to an A.A party and really didn't feel like it. But...........I got dressed up and went. I didn't stay for the whole thing mind you but just long enough to re-empower myself with the fact that I do have a life. It's hard when you are down you really don't want to take care of yourself I know the feeling. It is for the best that we do though, they have less effesct on us.

And stop beating yourself up we all make mistakes.

Maybe the next time you'll be able to say to him "move away then if that is your choice".

He wouldn't anyway they are too dependent.

Hang in and do something nice for yourself this weekend!

Ngaire

Gabe

this weekend. Rent a movie, read a book, paint your nails, give yourself a home facial, make what YOU like for dinner, play games with the kids, have a tea party, have something decadent for dessert. Just because the husband is going away doesn't mean you can't have a grand old time anyway. Think about it this way...What would a Queen do?
Peace,
Gabe

EmotionalMeg

I have been racking my brain, trying to think of what I can do with the kids. And usually it would not be a problem... But, I live in a small town. There are no movie theatres, no "fun" indoor activities. It is raining, so outdoor stuff could be out of the question.
And yes.... I am making excuses. IF it is sunny, I could take the kids to a nearby lake (even tho the bears and cougars are out in force ), or to the playground. I could go visit a friend... tho on the weekends the husbands are usually home... time for them to do "family stuff". I don't drink, so dancing etc. is not desireable. I was thinking of inviting me ONLY single friend over with her kids for dinner and cards... but she is an alcoholic too - do I need to be around her? I do like the sounds of having a hot bath, reading a great book, renting a movie...
I think part of all of this is that I have issues with being alone. I get all panicked, and can't seem to put things into perspective. When my husband was drinking / using, I would "run away" for the weekends so I didn't have to deal with the aftermath. I am trying NOT to do that now.
I am very much looking forward to my Alanon meeting on Wednesday night. There is only one meeting a week up here and I have not been able to go for 2 months now. I KNOW it will do me a world of good.
Thanks for your love and encouragement.
Meg

NoDoubt

Hey Meg,
Instead of looking for someplace to go with the kids why not stay in and do something silly (I can't believe this is my idea - I have been the farthest thing form sillly in a long time). My kids LOVE to be silly - make up, crazy hair styles, bake something fun to eat, rent movies, play fun games.. or even just cuddle with them. Most kids just love to spend one on one time with their parents (but make sure it's something you enjoy doing so you can all have fun). I'm going to get off line now so I can go and have some fun with my girls.
I'll be thinking about you.
NoDoubt

myles1

Hi,

Maybe renting movies and staying home would be a good idea for you......face some of those issues , you'll see that living alone is very enjoyable. I found I liked to sleep alot because I could rest I didn't have anyone bothering me for sex in the middle of the night or breakfast in the morning and lunch at lunch and supper at supper .and having to put up with their dreadful moods................need I go on?

Have fun.

Ngaire

JT

I look forward to alone time! Now with the kids....lets see!

Popcorn and movies. In bed?

Let them pick dinner. Make taco's or hot dogs...on sticks in the fireplace. (You are in BC....wood burner?)
Smores??

Let them MAKE dinner.

Start a tradition for when daddy's gone. Eat the stuff daddy doesn't want or something else special. Let them take turns picking. Follow that with ice cream...in bed?? With a movie?

My sister in law always made steaks and got movies for her and her kids when dad was out of town. Her kids are now late 20's and they remember those nites.

The Beav and I did the same thing...not steaks but we always had very relaxed fun.

Hugs,
JT

lyn_blossom78

Sorry to hear you're down! You've been doing so well! Tell ya what--put your tiara on--burn some candles, play some music, bubble bath--soft jammies--pile on pillows with the kids--and watch a Disney movie with great music--like Mulan (you can see how strong women can be, then). Don't forget the chips and dip, or popcorn. Rootbeer floats are fun.

If you need an activity for the kids--get a large flat container and dump "stuff" into it, like oatmeal, macaroni, cream of wheat, etc., and give them spoons, cups, little trucks, etc. for an indoor sandbox. Or make homemade playdough--I'm sure you can find a recipe online. Or make real dough, and let the kids shape strange cookies, and then bake and eat them.

The point is--have a fun, peaceful, joyful time!

I'll be praying for you!

Lyn

Hangin' In

Sorry I'm late with my reply, but Meg, bless your heart. We all have those ups and downs in our recovery. Oh yes, how well I know.

But I know you have the tools to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get yourself out of this 'funk'. Remember, 'this too shall pass' and just make it one day at a time.

You're a great inspiration to us on here and just know we love and support you.

Love,

Hangin' In

Live

I don't want to get tar-and-feathered here.....but sometimes a bad mood is a bad mood, and instead of running from it or pushing it away...I just hunker down in bed with a book and allow myself to be grouchy.
Sooner or later, I get tired of it. This too shall pass and when we get tired enough of something we change it don't we.?
I feel my feelings and then get over it and on wtih it. Sometimes after the main grouchies have passed I have a better understanding of what was going on with me.
And, sometimes, I find with me....it was HORMONES!!!

When someone else doesn't feel well, I am perfectly willing to let them rest and pamper them a bit....why shouldn't I do it for me??

Ask yourself, mainly,.....what feels right to me FOR me!!


live

EmotionalMeg

Hi guys,
Wow... such great suggestions! Usually, when I am alone, I end up doing housework and errands because I have to keep myself busy... but who says I have to be all responsible?!! Maybe I will dedicate Saturday and Sunday to the kids. I'll ask them what THEY want to do (within reason - 5 year olds have wild imaginations ). I'll suggest swimming, bowling, going for a walk, playing soccer at the park, watching a movie, makinf a fun dinner etc. Maybe I'll even let my oldest invite a friend for a sleepover.
I feel a little better today.
I am beginning to realize how much MY moods are MY fault. Like when I quit smoking for 2 months (I went back to it ), and started going to aerobics and the gym and walks etc.... I remember feeling so good! Is it really that simple? Start doing yourself good, and you'll FEEL good?
My husband has been in a "mood" for a while now too. I wonder how much we rub off on each other. If I begin feeling better, can it rub off on him? He he... sounds like I am trying to control him again. NOT true.
Anyway, you guys are wonderful, thank you.
I'll be checking in with you this weekend... I might need a shoulder to lean on.
Meg

constant

Hey Meg,

Sounds like you are feeling better today! I am glad. I hope that your weekend with the kids is all that you want it to be. Let us know how it goes!!

I always look forward to a little me time when the hubby is gone, some time for the kids, but that special little something that I need even if it is just having the remote control is somehow satisfying. Best Wishes to YOU!!

Constant

prettywoman

Hello sweetie ((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))) please don't be so hard on yourself. IT IS OK TO TAKE 2 STEPS BACK! It happens sometimes. I have days like that to . It has been almost 6 month now that I left my A and it has been a longgggggggggggggggggggggggggggg 6 month. It is normal to feel the way you feel so take it easy on yourself when that happens. Continue to focus on yourself and on making you number one in your life. Pamper yourself and keep working on your selfesteem. Go to AlAnon and CODA. Do everything you can to continue going forward and remember that if you make a boo boo and take a few steps back IT IS OK! One day at a time. You are a beautiful person and the world is such a great place because YOU in it! Much love!!


I have in my hands two boxes
Which God gave me to hold
He said,"Put all your sorrows in the black,
And all your joys in the gold."
I heeded his words, and in the two boxes
Both my joys and sorrows I store
But though the gold became heavier each day
The black was as light as before
With curiosity, I opened the black
I wanted to find out why
And I saw, in the base of the box, a hole
Which my sorrows had fallen out by
I showed the hole to God, and mused aloud,
"I wonder where my sorrows could be."
He smiled a gentle smile at me.
"My child, they're all here with me."
I asked,"God, why give me the boxes,
"Why the gold, and the black with the hole?"
"My child, the gold is for you to count your blessings,
the black is for you to let go."

prettywoman

I have in my hands two boxes
Which God gave me to hold
He said,"Put all your sorrows in the black,
And all your joys in the gold."
I heeded his words, and in the two boxes
Both my joys and sorrows I store
But though the gold became heavier each day
The black was as light as before
With curiosity, I opened the black
I wanted to find out why
And I saw, in the base of the box, a hole
Which my sorrows had fallen out by
I showed the hole to God, and mused aloud,
"I wonder where my sorrows could be."
He smiled a gentle smile at me.
"My child, they're all here with me."
I asked,"God, why give me the boxes,
"Why the gold, and the black with the hole?"
"My child, the gold is for you to count your blessings,
the black is for you to let go."