CE Girl

As I typed that, I suppose I wouldn't be asking if I knew,,lol

But I'm going there anyway

ok, so its been a little over 2 months since I left my A. No contact except for "codie moments" of emails. But I haven't seen nor spoken to him in that time. In fact, pretty resigned that its over. Defiantly know I'm moving on, both emotionally and geographically.

Anyway, someone who has been a friend, and yes, I dated before the A, asked me out. I was so clueless, I thought it was to hang out. HE said, "no, its a date". He then proceeded to tell me, he's been wanting it to be more between us for a while, but didn't want to risk the "friendship". Now he simply wants to "go for it" and see where it leads.

Rut Roo

Thrown TOTALLY off balance by this one. So I went with my first thought which was. What do YOU want? After all, it is about me right?

I want to go!!! I've had NO FUN in the last few months and I want to have FUN!! By the way this guy is a "normie" only drinks COKE and in the time (5 years) I've known him has had 2 BEERS. Yup, a "nice" guy who I forsake for my A.

The guy has patience, I'll give him that.

Anyway, how do you know when your ready to start "dating" again?

Peace

Cynay

Wow.... this is a tough question because everyone is different.

I guess it depends on what you want from dating.... is it a relationship, companionship, friendship etc....

I usually know when Im ready because Im not mourning my ex anymore. That is when Im emotionally available to open up to another person. Till that time I may go out some but usually its only with guys I already have a friendship with and is totally netural.

2 things would worrie me on this one......

That does not sound to me like a firm knowledge of your relaitonship being over... or that your healed from it.... therefore it will be pretty easy for you to transfer the emotion to this new guy.... dangerous business.

I can understand his wanting you to know how he feels, but what is wrong with taking it slow and dating as friends? It would concern me that he is not worried about getting involved with you that deeply when you have only been single 2 months. If you had been single for 6 months or more it would not be a red flag for me.... but why is he in a hurry and why is he not worried.

Go have fun.... you need too.... you dont have to date to have fun.

minnie

You're looking at the wrong person for answers to that. The only guy I've been out on a date with seems to be another raging drinker. Luckily, I saw it this time.

I think dating's one thing, a relationship is something else entirely. I need to know me, and have confidence that I can hold firm boundaries, before I can get into anything serious. Oh, and I have to deal with the whole fear of vulnerability thing, but that's probably a different topic.

One thing I would say, and echo Cynay, is to gooooo slooooooow. What's the rush?

LaTeeDa

I think it all boils down to trust. Trust in yourself. Do you trust yourself enough to do what's best for you? To put your own needs first, even if they are in conflict with his or anyone elses? Are you brave enough to disappoint him if it turns out you really aren't ready yet? If you can sincerely answer yes to those questions, without hesitation, then you're ready.

L

CE Girl

Yup, I realize it, but thats whyI posted. I'm sure I'm not the only one dealing with this.

Ok, up front and honest

I've felt like lesser than dirt for so long, I am frankly FLATTERED that someone finds me attractive enough to ask out.

And I am concerned that I am "emotionally unavailable" at this point. The last thing I want to do is hurt someone else. I have talked to him a bit about what has been happening in my life, but he doesn't know it all. Also, again, honest, i've been lonely. Beside my meetings, work and occasional family obligations, I've been alone. I wanted to be. But now, I feel like I NEED to get out.

The date thing is the sticky point though

He wants to take me to see a band he manages. I've actually seen them before and LOVE the place they play. Its not a bar, but more like a dinner theater. Pretty funky.

Yup, your right Minnie,,I'm pndering that now,,,

Peace

minnie

I felt lonely after a while. Heck, I am still feeling unbelievably lonely on occasion now. Thing is, if I had given an easy solution to those feelings, I would have settled. I have had a few opportunities that would mean that I had a companion. In fact, I know that I could make some calls tonight and pour salve on the wound of yet another Friday night alone. (And I have a new, hot neighbour who I could "welcome"!) But that's not fair, neither to me or them.

I want to share my life with someone, not find a band aid.

Go, have fun! But take it at your own pace and make no promises you don't feel totally comfortable with.

Cynay

Ok... but here is the problem with this situation.

He has already told you what he wants.... he wants a relationship and has been waiting 5 years.... he will get hurt wanting a relationship and working for it if you are unavailable to him.

You on the otherhand do not seem to be in that frame of mind and it sounds to me that you doubting if your ready.....

HUGE red flag to me. I would never even consider dating anyone when I felt lesser then dirt... I have done that before and it was the worst relationship ever.... here is why.

When I was at my all time low and felt like that, I attracted unhealthy people... I attracted fixers (major codependent) Alcoholics that were drinking... basically the man I spent the next 1.5 years with was at his all time high when I was at my all time low.... so when I finally started to heal and become who I really am the gap was huge and the relaitonship got worse and worse..... He was the Alcoholic that brought me to Al-anon the last time.

Astro

Yep, no matter how available I think I am, my brain eventually tells me otherwise. I'm wondering myself if I'll ever truly know when I'm ready to have a relationship or not. In spite of our best intentions, how do we know when we've actually changed and are ready for certain?

I've hurt someone I loved very much numerous times in the last six months. The last thing I want is for it to happen again. Now that I've earned myself some time to be alone again that scares the crap out of me too.

Thanks for asking this, CEG. Maybe something will get through my thick skull this time around.

Cynay

This is a great point......

To really be in a relationship you have to be willing to open up to that person.... you have to be vunerable to them and when you do that there is a chance that you could be hurt...sometimes that alone will keep me from dating. Are "you" ready to be hurt again? Fear also places huge walls up.... fear of being alone, fear of not meeting anyone again, fear of getting hurt, fear of saying no ... etc....

It sounds to me like you feel strongly about this one, that he could be a keeper?? If so then I would be very careful to make sure you are ready because if your not there stands the chance of him getting really attached while you cant... Once you are "in" a relationship if find it pretty hard to go back to a friendship and you could loose that special person... in staying friends till you are ready, your chance of making it work go up alot.

It has been my experience there are way too few times that I have met someone that I "could" love in a very special way.... So in meeting them treat it like the most beautiful gift and handle it gently

LaTeeDa

Oh yeah, the other thing is, communication is key. We are all at different places in our lives, wanting different things. If you only want some companionship and company, and he wants a relationship, this will be a problem. The only thing that will solve or prevent the problem is open, honest communication. And making sure your words match your actions.

L

denny57

I had a similar situation early on and I turned it down. He made it clear he was looking for a relationship and I didn't think it was fair to enter into one at the time. I can't bring myself to do it just to make myself feel better - it only hurts the other person and delays my recovery. It wasn't easy, but it was the right thing to do.

kglast

CE Girl - I would go and have fun - but make it clear to him that you are not sure where your head is right now - nothing wrong with being honest and keeping it to friendship until you are ready. If he respects you, he will respect your honesty and understand. And if you need to get out, call some girlfriends!!! Hell, come on down to the Cape !

Cynay

I was thinking too.... there is a flip side to this.

There is an old saying that if you wait to have a baby till your "ready" ... well chances are you will never have that baby.

After my second divorce I did not date for a long time, I would tell myself and anyone that asked I was not ready... the truth was that I was afraid, I was not mourning my ex anymore, I did not have the anger ... etc, I was "ready" but afraid. I made a list of what I wanted and would not accept.... nobody could have lived up to that list and the other thing I would do is choose men that were unavailable to me and focus on them so I did not have to face that fear.

In time I figured out that I could spend the rest of my life getting ready and decided I had to just jump in and get back on the horse.... fear and all.... I threw out the list and said yes... Since then sometimes its good and sometimes its not... yep I get hurt and yep I still have fears, but one thing for sure.... with every relationship I have it takes me one more step the "the" relationship I want. I work my recovery I have to tools to keep balanced and that saves me alot of the pain and helps me know that no matter what happens ..... I will be alright.

SaTiT

I did the six month break up process thing..
Actaully.. i was never rady to date again, but as i worked the program
or followed the suggestions. Other people started showing up in my life.

how did i know is was ready to date again ?
I was happy being single or felt okay living by myself and having a goodtime.
I live by myself but i wasn't lonely or felt alone..I became comfortable with it.
a relationship was secondary to me at thart piont.
but then ..you know...changes had to come..lol

kind of like happiness...if you chase it you'll never catch it,
but once you just go on you bussiness or just relax...a butterfly will
land on your hand.

Pick-a-name

I would answer your question by saying, I guess you know you are ready when you say "yes" and go. (and don't have to worry about should I/shouldn't I)

(I'm not there yet, so I'm just guessing but that's the way it seemed to work when I was younger,too. )

chero

Well, Girl, you've got some great advice here! Let me quote you....

SO GO!!! Have a great time! It's a date...not a life-long commitment! Listen to some music, have a COKE(), laugh, talk, have FUN!!!

After all you've been through maybe you are analyzing too much. You said it yourself, And we want to hear all about it afterwards!!!

Bjen

Yep, go, have fun. Have lots of fun. It will make you feel good. You said you will be honest with him about what you want and that is fair. This is a date not a marriage. Have fun for the night take the rest as it comes. And definately let us know as Chero said!!! Good luck!! Feel good and be happy.

CE Girl

Ok, everyone, I went

Such good advice from all of you. And hopefully, it helps someone else that finds themselves faced with actually "moving on".

Communication. VERY IMPORTANT.

I told him EXCATLY where I was at BEFORE we stepped foot out the door. Including the fact that I have been working VERY hard on ME and right now, I have to be true to myself. I also told him, I have to live, and "isolating" wouldn't solve the problem.

You know, that's what I've been doing.

I used to accuse my A of "hibernating" in his "cave". Of course he was drinking, and I like to think I was doing something a tad more productive. But when I look at it was I?

This guy is a GREAT guy. I'm sure he has warts like the rest of us, but I don't plan on going there right now. We agreed to keep it "light" and simple. I told him, much Like cynay expressed, I VALUED his friendship and felt I had to be very "delicate" right now. I simply did not want to hurt him.

You know what he said?

Now that he had all the information, wasn't that decision up to him?

He said, we can't go through life without takng "calculated risks". For him, I was one of those. And much like I wanted to just go out and have FUN, he was in the same place. We always had FUN together. Its that simple. Now lets go

We had fun.

But,,,and I guess this is what I learned. My heart is still broken. I couldn't "relate" to him, if that makes any sense. I'm very concerend with my lack of "emotion". I feel nothing. Not just about him, but about my "world". Its disturbing to have the "rememberance" of how to "feel", try to invoke it, and come up empty. I'm not sure I'm conveying this right. Its hard to describe. Like my core is a shell, the hermit crab that gave it life has left. I just want to "feel" again.

This is effecting EVERYTHING in my life. My family, my friends, coworkers, acquantainces, EVERYTHING. I know I have love, but I can't bring it to the surface.

what am I afraid of?

Astro, I think you touched on it, earning the time to yourself, scares the crap outta ya. Yet, our tendancy as codies to think of others, makes us (or at least me) devoid of emotions. And very hesitant to let others in. Protection? Perhaps. I for one, do not want to live my life that way.

I look out my window at my island. And I think of the many birds (this is a sanctuary). flitting from tree to tree. Not really ever finding a home. Yup, they are fre, but they are alone, because not one of those trees offers what their looking for. Maybe because they are unsure themselves. But then their are the swans. Mating for life. You can set your watch by where you will find them during the day. Never seeing one, without the other. All are nedangered species. I feel I am becoming one in the human form.

Time, I tell myself time.

As we parted, my friend and I, he asked if he could see me again. I told him I have to "live in the day" and I liked his companionship.

But obviously, I'm still dealing with me.

Peace

Bjen

I'm very concerend with my lack of "emotion". I feel nothing. Not just about him, but about my "world". Its disturbing to have the "rememberance" of how to "feel", try to invoke it, and come up empty. I'm not sure I'm conveying this right. Its hard to describe. Like my core is a shell, the hermit crab that gave it life has left. I just want to "feel" again.

This is effecting EVERYTHING in my life. My family, my friends, coworkers, acquantainces, EVERYTHING. I know I have love, but I can't bring it to the surface.

That's your quote CE but I haven't figured out how to do that yet!! If someone wants to tell me how it works I would appreciate it

I feel absolutely the same way!!!!! I even lost a close friend of 20 years to it. I just don't care. She is full of negativity and I just don't care that we don't talk anymore. I can't feel and I don't care about stuff that once would be a concern to me. My heart is broken too.

I think this should be a new thread.

How do we get that back. I know it would be easy for me to love another certain someone that is in my life but I won't let myself. He might hurt me. Defense mechanism. But how do we develop the boundary to let someone love us, love them back but not let them close enough to destroy us again?

Maybe it is because it is just our turn to take care of ourselves. But how long does that last without feelings?

I had been trying to explain that "I don't feel" for a while but I never got it out. Thank you CE!! What does everybody else think?

Live

Take your time. Enjoy the moments of friendship for what they are. Some people will earn your trust over time. Others won't. Trust takes time and so does healing. Also we can love different people in different ways and to different degrees.

just my 2 cents.