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6/1 Language of Letting Go

Old 06-01-2007, 10:28 AM
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6/1 Language of Letting Go

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Directness

We feel safe around direct, honest people. They speak their minds, and we know where we stand with them.

Indirect people, people who are afraid to say who they are, what they want, and what they're feeling, cannot be trusted. They will somehow act out their truth even though they do not speak it. And it may catch everyone by surprise.

Directness saves time and energy. It removes us as victims. It dispenses with martyrdom and games. It helps us own our power. It creates respectful relationships.

It feels safe to be around direct, honest people. Be one.

Today, I will own my power to be direct. I do not have to be passive, nor do I need to be aggressive. I will become comfortable with my own truth, so those around me can become comfortable with me.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie 1990, Hazelden Foundation.
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Old 06-01-2007, 01:36 PM
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So what's the difference between acceptable and aggressive "directness"?
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Old 06-01-2007, 01:38 PM
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I think, perhaps, motive.
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Old 06-01-2007, 01:40 PM
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I guess assertive is being direct and standing your ground. You dont have to "convience" or manuplate or force anything.... only to stand firm, be respectful of others and yourself, say it once and let it be.

Agressive to me is the person who pushes their opinions, gets into my space while doing it, will not let a subject go, angery, controling, manuplating. Doing what ever it takes to make it what they want.

My worst is the passive agressive.... I so struggle with that one.
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Old 06-01-2007, 01:53 PM
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Originally Posted by Cynay View Post
say it once and let it be.
Do that around here and you'll never get a bagel.
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Old 06-01-2007, 02:22 PM
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For me, the difference is in expressing my experience, or even my opinion, but letting go of the expectation that I can force another person to agree... or to even hear me. That helps "draw a line" for me. ... mostly.

Lately, I've been struggling with my son in law. He is immature ...to the point of being almost disabled. He comes from a difficult background (don't we all...) and has jumped with my daughter right into marriage, a baby and one on the way.... and he can't seem to figure out how to work more than 2 days a week.

sigh.

I want SO BAD to just sit him down and explain to him that

BABIES COME FIRST, YOU MAROOON!!!!

.. but when I tried that earlier this week, he walked away before the first sentence was out of my mouth, with a "whatever...".

.....And so then my hair caught fire. Ok, not literally - but you can imagine.

So... no one was arrested, but this week has been difficult. And one where I am working on MY part in resentments, communication, directness, control, anger, fear, .... lots of things. I want to be DIRECT.... but I have to accept that he may just walk away. I can't FORCE HIM to hear me!!

Because I cannot control him. I cannot even begin to get through to him. I want to soooo much. I want to open the top of his head and just pour some information into his brain - about how to work hard, how to accept what life offers, how things work (like if you don't write your time on the time card, it does NOT make it better to scream at the employer when your check is short!).

Anyway. This topic is good for me. Most of them are.



Thanks, Cynay.
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Old 06-01-2007, 02:33 PM
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For me, aggressive is going in for the attack and assertive is stating your position. Message v. messenger. I still believe it can be best handled by using "I" statements and not "you."

JMHO
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Old 06-01-2007, 08:59 PM
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Well then aren't we back where we started? The original statement that made me react in the previous thread was:

You've been hanging out on this forum for a while now. I'm beginning to wonder if you come here just to vent and share every detail of your alcoholic's life, because you don't seem to be interested in seeking recovery or a new life for yourself.

Clearly I am in the minority in feeling that I was correct to react by stating that the poster who said that "is correct but plays a little rough imo".

I am not here in anger I am here trying to understand - is the initial comment not an aggressive "you" statement? If not why not? Is it motivation? How is another person supposed to know what someone's motivation is? I percieve it as aggressive and it wasn't even directed at me. Am I alone in this opinion?
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Old 06-01-2007, 10:32 PM
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WO, it's a good point. I think when you ask is it motivation, I would ask when you say "but plays a little rough imo," (and mention the poster by name) what do you want to come from that? That person to play less rough (by your definition)? Is it a broad criticism and you'd like to see that poster change? It seems to be a statement about the person, not a comment on the thread topic.

I certainly have read some threads where I thought the person who started it was being "ganged up on." Probably a trigger on my part. I'll usually PM the person and share my thoughts on that and offer them support.

One thing that still surprises me is I'll sometimes read someone's response and think whoa, why are you being so harsh? Then the original poster comes on and says hey, thanks I needed that! I'm like what??????

I compare it to what we read in the closing at Al-Anon meetings: "We aren't perfect. The welcome we give you may not show the warmth we have in our hearts for you. After a while, you'll discover that though you may not like all of us, you'll love us in a very special way - the same way we already love you."

I still believe in the big picture, SR is pretty darn good about providing a home for such diverse personalities.

((()))

and good night :-)
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Old 06-02-2007, 12:08 AM
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Standard internet etiquette is that you do not talk _about_ other people. You direct your comments to the person who started the thread.

Standard internet etiquette is that if you disagree with somebody else's _opinion_ you just ignore them. When everybody ignores an opinionated person they get bored and move on elsewhere.

Standard internet etiquette is that it is _not_ possible to know another persons intentions because you can't see their face or body language or ask them to clarify their statement in the moment it is being said, which is why the first two rules are used.

The managent of this website has laid out the rules for this forum in the rules section. Among those rules there is mention that we will not share everything that we deal with in PM and email. For that reason we will sometimes have to take actions with a thread that may seem capricious, especially if we had to remove a number of posts that were downright insulting.

Based on the above it is clear that the subject of this thread has been hijacked into a discussion _about_ another member. That is just plain rude, as well as a violation of the forum rules. If you have a personal issue with another member bring it directly to that person's attention in PM. If that doesn't work for you then just _ignore_ that person. This is the internet, it is not a real life meeting or a real life room. You can just _ignore_ them and get on with your life.

Feel free to PM me all you want. I was busy today with doctors apointments and have some more tomorrow, so I won't be able to answer them right away. There is a lot of other stuff going on here on SR; people thinking of suicide, people trying to get off drugs and booze, people who's kids are getting abused, people getting beat up, people with terminal health problems. If I don't answer a PM right away it's because I have more important PM's to deal with, so please be patient.

In the meantime, this thread is closed.

Mike
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